Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

Right, if anyone is still out there....

This tooing and froing is getting out of hand (I am speaking mainly for myself, by the way) is getting out of hand. I have been on this thread (or one's of this ilk) and have been saying the same thing for over 18 months. I am also 36 (not too old but not a spring chicken either) which means time may well be getting on. I also, and I know I said this before, have run out of excuses and pros and cons to write that I haven't said 4981276 times (approx) before. So...

I think I might (note use of hesitant language) give my DH this for Valentines. I can't make my effing mind up so feel that perhaps it would be a good idea to pass the decisions over to him (yep, am a wuss!) and hope he gets really into the idea and hence passes some enthusiasm on to me!

However, I am not totally sure what he'd say as we a) still haven't sold the house and b) are trying to move 200 miles north to live in a house which will be akin to a building site for months on end. While it would be much more sensible to wait for a while, TTCing could take aaaages and then there the 9 month, er, incubation period.

I still go hot and cold all the time but know that I am not making any progress on the decision front.

And besides, I've got him bugger all else for Valentines...

Any thoughts....?!

Sorry, wrote sneakily at work - hence above post is not written very well!

I've not read the thread but sneaked over here as we're just ttc, there is never a good time, the practicalities of house move etc will work out, get the book and some amazing underwear

C, proper reply awaiting completion in my outbox, but I completely know what you mean about just being at a stalemate, not going forward or back and just regoing over the same old pros and cons. I think hand on heart we are a couple of peas in a pod and may never come to a decision at this rate, its getting embarrassing (just kidding).

The book - do it, just chuck it in there and see what happens. He may interpret it that you have made the decision and this is your way of telling him! Perhaps buy a bottle of wine to go with it

I knew I'd be the last of us hanging around like a big old saddo with wonky innards and a perpetual look on my face as I try to decide......

Hi to everyone else. Ignore me, I'm not here, I have gone away to Not Think and Reduce Stress. xxx

Hello HP-SP, I didn't expect to find you here!! I do miss the days of full of threading (so to speak) but I think I have wrung myself dry and, you're right, it is getting embarassing! I bet half the readers here are tutting at us, and have been doing for the past, gulp, 12 months (as been officially dithering for 18 months!) Don't worry about being the Last Man Standing either, I am veeeeery far from going to The Other Side just yet!

Talking of which, vaguely, I have also bought DH two more Valentines pressies, one of which is is from the dog. Before I sound Valentine mad, I am not, and also normally have a nice but relatively modest pressie planned, this year I do not. So, as well as the potential Book (I think something of this significance warrants capitals!) I have also got him a dressed crab (he loves dressed crab and I don't) from myself and a torch with a small torch with a pocket molded into the plastic for poo bags from the dog. Romantic? I wrote the bloody book!!

More seriously, I think that I want him to think I have made a decision and want to go for it on the baby front. I haven't really if the truth be known, but also know I am better getting on the case now, when there is time to breathe than having a mad panic at 39 and perhaps being disappointed.

Thanks for the post Verybusyspider - I agree that if you for the 'right' time etc etc it'll never bloody happen. Saying that, I am not keen on the idea of the building site as it is!

ps After typing the above and now looking at my toy and clutter free home in a clingy desperate way (esp as house we are wanting to move to as much smaller rooms!)

Just proofread - not a touch with a small torch at all, the laptop keeps going super slow, I meant a torch with a small pocket for poo bags. This

As for the comment about the building site, I meant living in a building site!

Farking hell! Are you really going to say that to him?? This is Big. I mean, I know you haven't really decided, but acting as if you have is an intriguing strategy. What will you do if he says 'brill, let's get on with it lovely Confused, starting from tonight'??

Or, 'let's wait another year', or do you think he is more on board with the age thing after Stats Month?

I have to say I am kind of doing something similar with DH, acting more positive than I feel because of the 'latching onto negativity' trait he has with this issue.

I have a strong feeling that you will be ditheringTTC within three months....

Hello everyone! This is a bit of a surprise: an old skool ditherer gathering!

I know exactly what you mean about the effect of your OH's attitude on your own. I think DH's feelings about having children hold me back from getting comfortable with the idea. Pretending to be completely on board with ttc has been my brilliant strategy all along!

Don't worry, the last man standing title is far from decided!

Oops there were a lot of exclamation marks in that post.

Have to be quick - I suspect he will indeed try to put things off, if purely for practical reasons (he is as red / green as I am most of the time.) Ridiculous as this is, and I know it really is, I kind of like the decision being taken out of my hands. To be honest, while I have VERY red moments I think I am generally rather malleable - and suspect the likes of YTD help with this!

HP - what is Stats Month....?

Got to go but back later (prob this eve)

Quite enjoying this Dithering Reunion!

The depressing educational month we spent discussing the statistics of aging and TTC, thanks to your baaad GP and her rubbish data

Ah, that old chestnut! Pls email me proper faxcts (sorry< pished, making most of it ) as may need them... if the dressed crab doesnt come up to scratch of course!

hic!

C, I suspect you may be drunk, naughty girl

Have to be quick as at work. I am now recovered from hangover and also in two minds. Playing it by ear is a good idea, methinks. I think I am also rather hesitant due to house etc situation and suspect DH may say as much. Also, he doesn't get the age thing which is understandable as almost all of our friends started their families at 35+ (more like 38 plus.)

Might need to think this one through a bit more...!

If anyone either cares or is even vaguely interested, DH was very pleased with his dressed crab and dog poo bag dispensing torch...

And his book?????????????

Er... I didn't give him the book.
The reason behind it are quite sensible though; in short I think DH would have said we need to move etc first, which is fair enough in many ways. This would mean we'd only end up having the conversation again in 6 or 12 months and it would probably be me who instigated it too. While the age thing is a factor to some extent most of our friends in RL have been older than me and had no problems so I cannot see him getting his head around thinking we need to get a move on.
He goes hot and cold rather like I do but I also know he wouldn't want to now, or very soon anyway. Hence, the book stays in the drawer for time being.
Slightly more positively, we have had an offer on our house. Not a great offer at 15k below the asking (and the price already had 25k knocked off) which has been justified due to the fact we don't have a shower. We do have a bathroom with a beautiful stained glass window and Victorian roll top bath, mind, and a shower would be very easy to plumb in (and a hell of a lot less than fifteen bloody grand!) We are now 'in negotiations' so watch this space...

They say that if it's 5% under 2007 peak price it's probably ok - and you should be able to buy the next place at a discount don't forget. Sounds like a classic case of dithering to me!

We are rushing our kitten to the vet tonight as he's a bit snuffly and we're convinced he must have one of the many fatal illnesses we've read about on Google that have snuffliness as a symptom. PFB at all?!

DH and I are now aiming to start ttc in July, but it's anyone's guess whether we actually will! We were supposed to start in January... and then March...

We have already agreed a price on the new place so can't go lower with that. Have agreed a price now and things ought to start going ahead asap. Still in the shit a bit financially but much better than before, which is the main thing.

TTC in July, eh? Blimey! That sounds close to a decision!

Our buyers buyers have pulled out, hence our chain has broken for the time being. The people who want our house have put their house back on for five grand less in a hope to sell it asap.

I am SO pissed off with this house buying bollocks, I never want to do it again!

It might be as it's fallen through and so we can't do it yet, but I now feel very frustrated that we cannot even consider TTC for the time being. While I know 'it'll work out' etc etc I don't want to risk complicating our life so much, especially when it is avoidable, and know DH would think the same. And the house we want to buy will need a shit load of work once (if!!) we finally move.

That must be incredibly frustrating. And to think if only the house was sold you could crack on with ttc lol

A friend of mine at work is living apart from her husband because he's moved for work and they can't sell the house. We've got the opposite problem: we can't buy one!

Any news from LST?

Frustrating is an understatement! I am feeling more and more frustrated by the day, and everything seems like it is im limbo. When we finally move we need to gut the house we are buying right back to the plaster in a lot of the house which will take both a lot of time and a fair amount of cash (which we will have to take the time to earn first.) Hence my decision to leave all TTC type conversations alone for the time being, despite my intial book ideas for Valentines.

Yes, there is news from LST who hopefully will be able to post soon. She had her little girl and, boy, is she cute! (The baby, not LST....!) Hopefully she will appear soon and tell us what it's like on The Other Side.

Oh yes, Amanda, the frigging banks turning down first time buyers are what's making the chains buckle. I am SO hoping our buyers get another buyer soon (apparently they only had their flat on the market for two weeks before they got their first buyers, although this obviously is no guarantee that they will get someone that quick again I am hoping like mad that they do.) They have knocked off a further 5k off their flat too to hopefully generate more interest. Not meaning to be negative, I hope this doesn't mean they'd have to lower their offer on our house though as we can't afford to drop the price any more as we are on the bare minimum as it is.

God, I am SO bored of this shit!

Lets get back to dithering in circles....!

Buying a house/not buying a house and having a baby/not having a baby pretty much sums up my life at the moment, and actually for what feels like forrrrrrever

But I have had a glass of wine and I'm on the edge between relaxed and blasé - hurrah! Houses and babies for everyone!

Cripes, someone has to have some luck, or make a decision soooooon.

Actually, HP-SP, I am on the brink of one, I think.

I want one. A child that is. I was, and sober this time (!), thinking about it a lot last night and seemed to have a lightbulb monent, one where I thought 'yes!' about the whole baby malarkey. Admittedly, I am also filled with dread as well (after all, these things can be somewhat over analysed and hence get more daunting by the minute) but, yes, I think I do.

However, this 'decision' is kind of redundant at the moment as we still have the cash / house etc issues (and there is no need to further complicate things, is there?) That is not a cop out, by the way, but it is true. Or, should I say, Fact.