Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

To be honest I have no idea where I could find the time or emotional energy to give to a baby if I had one. I can only imagine it would make a very difficult situation much worse, because I'd feel terribly guilty and everyone would think I was a horrible selfish mother.

I feel bad about moaning last night though. I woke up just now thinking what a lovely DH I have and how fortunate I am to have the choice, even if it's a difficult one.

Amanda, first time round was a happy accident after a miscarraige-v badly timed as was 2 weeks into a new job when I found out and received no maternity pay because of this. So dithering wasn't really an issue! I found a new job while on maternity leave-it can be done but I suppose it depends what sort of work you do and if you can afford to perhaps take pay cut etc. I am v lucky that Mum is my childcare otherwise I couldn't afford to work (so silly that it has to be that way!). My partner has agreed that we can start trying for no 2 but only if I speak to my Mum to make sure she would be ok with looking after 2 of them-not a conversation I really want to start but know that is sensible.

PS. why would you feel guilty or selfish? Because of still working, nothing wrong with that-keeps you sane!!

Hello all. I was going to make a new thread but this one seems to fit the bill. I am 26 and my fiance is 24, we are getting married in November this year. We have a holiday to New York in April and we planned to go to Florida for our honeymoon in November and then start trying for a baby.

However... I came off my pill recently and didn't go back to the doctor to get more (we had major snow and this made it difficult to get there) so decided to leave it for a bit and use condoms. The condom broke a few weeks ago (fiance hadn't come though, just pre come, sorry TMI!) and I actually can't remember when I had my last period. I think it's been over a month. So did a test but it was very faint negative. Still awaiting period.

I actually hoped I was pregnant and felt a bit disappointed when I wasn't. We have things all planned out... start trying after we are married. But something in me wants to try now for the next couple of months. I spoke to fiance about it and he feels ready too. We are dithering. We wouldn't get our honeymoon to Florida but as long as I get to New York in April then I will be happy as we went to Florida 1.5 years ago. Things would be perfect if we waited... I just worry about fertility and things. I'm just not sure whether to wait or go with the feelings we are having of feeling ready. I worry a little that my parents may wish we had waited til marriage if I do/am pregnant but I think they would be fine.

Financially we are ok, both in good paying jobs. My job is more secure, I work in a private school and do a lot in my job that others can't do (computer geek) and very valuable member of staff so pretty sure I'm secure.

I just don't know if we should start trying! Big mistake? Wait for the 'perfect' time? Give up the honeymoon? Which doesn't bother me much at all, which I am surprised at myself for! Must be getting less selfish or something.

Arghhh. Thanks for listening :)

what a dilemma! I didn't want to leave it unanswered, but I'm just rushing out. I'll reply later.

We talked more last night and are thinking of waiting now. It would all slot in nicely that way and we have our honeymoon :) No doubt we will wait and then I take 2 years to get pregnant, typical luck!!

It sounds from your post that you are very comfortable with your decision to have a baby and that, bar a few minor considerations, none of which are important in the grand scheme of things, you could have a baby pretty much any time you like.

Thanks Amanda, you are right :) I do feel quite happy in our situation, just hope the ol' insides let us have a baby when we would like it :)

Just passing by quickly whilst Eleanor is sleeping to let you know she is still perfect, I am still knackered (although getting a tad more sleep now) and I am still a strong advocate of chucking the pills away and taking the risk! Glad to see this thread is still being used for quality dithering. :)

Amanda I know its a cliche that there is never a right time, but it is true. I am fortunate in that I was in a reasonable position jobwise, so have a decent maternity package, but I think, provided the decision to procreate didn't actually leave me homeless, I'd still do it.

LST must be counting down to due date now - how are you feeling?

HP / AD hope you are well and the poking and prodding isn't stressing you out too much.

Right, off to feed my daughter. We are getting the hang of breastfeeding now, after a rocky start. I don't think I had sleep deprevation and masticated nipples on my list of possible having a baby cons. I seem to recall twittering about lost lie ins at one point. LIE IN! I don't need a lie in, just give me 6 hours of unbroken sleep once every three months, that'll do me!! At some point I will find time to give you a blow by blow account of the euphoric highs and bloody, soul-crunching lows of early motherhood. It's tough, grinding hard work, but so so worth it. :)

YTD!! Great to hear from you. I'm due tomorrow but hoping she holds off as the house is still full of workmen after a ludicrous number of setbacks with work we're having done and it would be a nightmare to go into labour now... Well, inconvenient, anyway. So great to hear from you - glad you're getting a fraction more sleep but I know it must still be utterly relentless and exhausting - glad there are some highs to balance the lows. Any details at any point definitely welcome! My sister came to stay with her 8 week old over Christmas (and she has a 20-month old son as well) so got a good insight into how it can be - i.e. no sleep at all as far as I could gather as he feeds ALL the time! But she's been lucky at least this time around that the feeding is going well (after a tough time last time).

Hello to everyone else - and good luck with decisions (and life in general...). Sorry to hijack the post but just wanted to say hello to YTD - and everyone else. xx

Hello,
It's been a very long time I know. The main reason for this is that I am still no clearer to a decision, also no nearer in the rest of my life (work / cash / house sale) to be even consider a decision and, as always, I go hot and cold all the time. If I really wanted to the house / cash etc situation wouldn't be so important but I can't muster enough enthusiasm to want to got for it so I am still in limbo-land.

I have gone into my reasons for for and against a million times and now feel as if I have said all I can say, re myself and others to be honest. There are other fresher recruits who can undoubtably add far more thought provoking stuff than I can (I am like a stuck record.)

Talking of records, for the record right now I am, erm, a VERY pale green.

YTD my pills have been chucked away for a long time now but I'm not getting any nearer!

Can I join? I'm dithering, my DP would have "big and fat and full of baby" tommorow given half a chance!

Enchantica, I think your right to wait. You're very young and TTC can put alot of pressure on your sex life and you want to enjoy your honeymoon [wink}

LeviStubbsTears I hope all's going well. I searched for more posts from you but this ^^ was the last one. You're now either 10 days overdue, or you've had your baby! either way.

YTD good to hear from you. And thank you for the balanced description of what it's like on the other side.

I've never had the opportunity to choose the dithering path, as DH is so completely not on board with TTC that TTC is not actually an option. Have been off the pill for about 6 months now, and think I feel better for it, regardless of the fact it's had seemingly no impact on the TTC debate.

DH has just got a kitten for Christmas, which is taking up all our attention for now. I'm surprised by how hands on DH is with caring for it (OTT in my opinion)! It's not keeping us awake, thank goodness!

Hello all!

I am checking in asthis thread helped me loads and nice to some familiar names. I had the work/money/house debate going on for ages until I forgot to take my pill on a trip away with work and got back then hey presto I am now 25 weeks!

We are both so happy and I hope all of you find a happy decision soon x

Congrats, cowboylover! Sometimes an accident needs to intervene to resolve these situations.

Just an update for those interested (apologies for those who aren't!) - yes, Amanda, now 11 days overdue so no news here - but will be induced by the end of the week if no action so should have a baby, or be on the way, by the weekend! Still feels utterly mad and hard to believe.

Hope all is ok with you all (hi, confused - will write directly soon!) and the life hurdles to TTC are cleared, if those are what are in the way. I'm sure I'll report back with mixed feelings/ messages from the world of motherhood - still a ditherer at heart, even at this stage! (Especially with labour looming...)

Take care, all. xx

Oh my goodness, Cowboylover, that's fabulous news - congratulations!

YST - am all giddy and have been for over a week so god knows how you feel!! Good luck xx

Cowboylover I wish that would happen to me! Good to hear that you are both happy.

LST if they haven't already, I hope things kick off soon.

I have to say, a genuine 'happy accident' does appeal to me too (bit more complicated with me being diabetic though unfortunately*.) However, this would not resolve the cash / house blah blah issues and it would also not be a proper accident. Saying that, we have not been using an contraception for over two years now and are yet to have an accident of any description (DH, ahem, pulls out at the crucial moment) so suspect it might be harder that I'd like to think.

• this may not be the end of the world as I am sure lots of Type 1 diabetics have 'accidents' but after seeing the gynae lady who talked me through the risks of both being diabetic and also over 35 I think the sensible thing is not to take the risk if I can help it.

Yes we're not using any properly recognised form of contraception either, so it would be a "genuine accident" in the loosest sense of the word! Just been using FAM for the past few months. Not sure how you can accidentally think it's a safe day when it's not!

I don't think I understand what you mean about the diabetes. Do you mean you're not going to have children at all because of it?

Oh I guess you mean you have to prepare somehow, so an accident's off the cards?

Writing at work so being brief.

Re the diabeties, it is better to be super careful and keep your blood sugar VERY level when both TTC and once you have managed to C (especially then.) As I drink and do other things that make it go up (only a bit, which normally wouldn't be a big deal) this would not be good if I found out I'd had an accident. This is apparently extra dodgy in the first few weeks, when you generally don't even know you're pregnant.

Hope that makes sense - typing extra fast!!

Hi! can I join you for a dither and a rambling post???

I have a DS who's going to be 2 in a few months and I've just started a new job. My life is pretty up in the air and I'm the main breadwinner of the family. I know in the sensible part of my brain that TTC now would be a bad idea, but I get moments of total broodiness maybe once a week and the rest of the time I'm quite 'Meh'! Arrggh! I don't know what to do. DH thinks it not a good idea and I agree with him, except I'm soooooo broody sometimes....sigh!

I'd really like DS to have a sibling close in age to him, but I don't know when would be a good time.

Situation is not helped by practically everyone I know being preggers with no. 2. but also .

Thanks for letting me ramble on!

OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies it's a bit quiet in here I'm afraid, a lot of the original posters have moved on to Facebook and msn. I'm not technically a ditherer, I'm just waiting for my DH to change his mind about not wanting children.

Your situation does sound difficult. I'm glad I'm not the main breadwinner in our family, that would be an extra complication I don't need.

2 is quite a standard age to start thinking about a little brother or sister, isn't it. I think a lot of my friends will be starting on number 2 in the near future. I'm still working on number 1.

Hi all,Im currently TTC #3 and Im not sure its the right decision so this thread seemed perfect, I do think that we would be put under some financial pressure, and we use family for childcare so that would be added pressure for them although i have talked to them about and they have said go for it. I feel really broody and cant imagine never having a baby or being pregnant ever again! but how different will it be having 3 children, our house is big enough and i work part time so the hours would be fine to go back on, i do worry mat leave will be a struggle but only financially. arrrgh its so difficult sometimes, and to top it off I actually feel better off the pill so dont want to go back on that.

ohno i left it to have a 4 year age gap and i think it was far too long, you have started to rebuild your life and your LO has become some what independant, 2 yrs is about the right age i think. my youngest is 2.5 and were trying for #3 :)