30s TTC - Our BESH GussetWatch Ever, With Guest Star Joe Mangel!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, you raddled old caaaaahs, whotchoo waitin' for?

I've gone for a groovy 60s psychedelic theme, so get your fat upper arms comfy in the hanging globe chairs and hide your mememe shame in the glow of the lava lamps!

Russell Howard is our new bartender, although I don't think he's happy at the flares 'n' kipper tie outfit I've forced him to wear. And of course, Mitchell is in the pit, nervously awaiting his first guest.

Let's make this one diffalicious!

Oh Mas. I sort of do but am worn out. Plus, you've heard it all before

(I'm only feeling fighty 'cos I'm going to a friend's party tonight and she always ties herself in knots to accommodate a veggie pal - to the extent of cooking pancakes in a frying pan that has never had lard in it (he's that fussed) - and yet he has admitted to still enjoying the odd kebab when drunk. Oh whoops, dearie me, naughty boy, rap on the knuckles etc. etc., and don't you even bloody think of using pork gelatine in your trifle young lady I'm a vegematarian you know etc. etc.)

And so on.

I know - IABU!

Awww...

But you're right, I have heard it all before. And of plenty of meat eaters who are utter hypocrites as well

I'm a totally hypocritical meat-eater. I bloody love tofu

I think we've scared everyone else off headcase

I know, right?! It's almost as if people have better things to do than MNing all the dang day long. Bastards. I bet they have matching china. And shop at Waitrose. And never leave their knickers all tangled up in their tights on the bathroom floor.

BANGERS!

I made myself laugh the other day, I did. I was thinking about my breasts. As you do. And thinking about men eyeing 'em up. As they do. And I thought, "Yeah, LOOK ON MY NORKS YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR!"

See what I did? Shelley + vulgar tit slang. Don't tell me you're not in hysterics. Jeez. I kill me. I should be onstage.

You two should get a room!!!

Am lurking around today. Usually go quiet on the first part of my cycle - boring, innit?

Nowt to report here - dull, dull, dull!

So I'm going to continue watching you 2 with your eyeing each other up chatter, in the hope of some hot lesbo action

Where is my bastard DROOOOOOOOOIIIID???!?!?

Don't know, but mine has appeared. Am now in need of chocolate so may have to have a trip to Tesco on the way to election party.

So who's staying up to watch the chaos unfold?

Sorry Cass, that probably wasn't a helpful response. How many DPO are you? Could it still be malfunctioning pregnancy tests? One of the sites I was looking at to fuel the menkul for research yesterday afternoon had long lists of how many pregnant people were still getting negatives however many DPO using different sorts of tests and it surprised me how many were still negative after quite a long time.

Oh Okky I'm sorry I think chocolate is the only answer. DH is staying up to watch, I don't think I'll manage, sleep is my only relief from menkulness at the moment.

I am, um, about 18 DPO? And 5 days late, 6 in morning.

Going to test again in morning... I have also read same so while I don't at ALL feel pg I spose I might as well.

Thought droid was coming earlier, had cramps - just felt relief, which I know you will all rightly smack me round the head with a kipper for, but I think as I've pretty much given up on being pg I just want this cycle to end and the next to begin. Never late, just never, so just want my body back on familiar territory really.

Anyway. I'm sorry yours has arrived. Is it me or are we all syncronising? I thought you had to live together for that? Apart from headbutter though, but she always does have to be different

Sagitarius are you surviving thus far? How goes the brown string and what did you end up cooking?

Sorry, what dreadful spelling.

"is"? Am, dammit!

I think I'm in love with my Needles Lady! You know how I describe my mental rushed-to-hospital usual period pains, akin to something too terrify for Bruegel to depict? Well, today has been my Day of Agony - except it hasn't! It has been my Day of Mild-Moderate Discomfort Where I Have Been Able To Go About My Day Completely Normally! Have worked a full, and indeed, an extra-busy day and despite a few moments of clutching sides whilst sucking in breath with pain, I've been fine. No clots (sorry), no bloating, no nork pain, no spots, nuffink! In fact, my stomach is looking pretty flat - result!

As I said joyfully to TYF - if she can do this for my period pains, she can get me pregnant, FO SHO!

And talking of cooking, as you were earlier, I usually cook quite sophistimacated grub, but tonight I have had sausages, beans and a few oven chips (all allergy-suitable ones). TOP SNAP!

(Snap is wot us Derbyshire folk call food. Do not ask me why!).

Cass, I dunno what's going on with your droid/baybee but I hope for your sanity that it resolves itself asap

That's ay-may-zing Scorps I'm so pleased for you!

I know! I haven't had oven chips for YEARS! Oh yeah, and the tolerable droid was cool too

Well, that's really good news Scorps. Needles Lady sounds ace.

Cass, I ended up cooking lasagne. Realised half through that I didn't have any lasagne so had to do an emergency dash to Tesco's, where on the spur on the moment I also bought an avocado. Which was rock hard and spoiled the salad. This is very interesting isn't it? Brown string isn't really brown string. It's kind of bleurgh. Maybe getting redder. Tis clearly droid.

Yay scorps! Glad it's helped the helped the period agony. You won't need TYF now you've got needles lady

Right, whose watching election coverage & will be trying to stay up all night? Anyone wanna join me? Ah, yer problee all at exciting election parties - me, I'm excited enough that I'll be watching the same coverage here (on BBC world) as is on BBC1! David Dimbleby! Aww, it's like being at home...

Handy avocado tip - if the only ones available are a bit hard, also buy a banana and cuddle them up together for a bit. 'Nanas make other fruit go off, esp. avocados. Trufax. Also, firmly rolling an avocado under the flat of your hand softens the bastard up.

I hate avocados.

Am watching election thingy on Ch 4. How come none of the TV ads showed Lauren Laverne? Realise they were trying to ape the '3 leaders' thing, but twas monstrous sexist nonetheless.

PS Massiveattack - I still need him to reach things off high shelves, mind. Acupuncture hasn't given me magical Mr Tickle arms. Yet.

Oooh, Beeb predicting hung parliament from exit polls...

Avocado - shove it in the oven for 10 minutes, that softens it a bit then run it under cold water to cool it back down again. Not brilliant but better than nothing?!

Obviously all these tips are completely useless to you now...

Am stunned at your avocado knowledge.But you're right - have eaten the sucker already. Scorps, that was very vehement. Have you been attacked by an avocado in the past?

Dimbleby is scratching the barrel already. Perhaps I'll watch channel 4.