30s TTC - Our BESH GussetWatch Ever, With Guest Star Joe Mangel!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, you raddled old caaaaahs, whotchoo waitin' for?

I've gone for a groovy 60s psychedelic theme, so get your fat upper arms comfy in the hanging globe chairs and hide your mememe shame in the glow of the lava lamps!

Russell Howard is our new bartender, although I don't think he's happy at the flares 'n' kipper tie outfit I've forced him to wear. And of course, Mitchell is in the pit, nervously awaiting his first guest.

Let's make this one diffalicious!

What about the licking coins thing? Don't have that. See?

Oh I think you're allowed to lick coins whether you're diffed or not

Meant the metallic taste.

Anyway, have been to loo. Am on verge of being completely gutted. I can detect brown-string-ness. It never just appears. I get a day or so of taunting.

Am speechless. Just told Husband, who laughed and said, "Never mind, didn't know you thought you were". When I took issue with that and mentioned that I thought he was being rather insensitive, he snapped and is now not talking to me. Am literally speechless. And am getting fucking pissed. Going to drink an entire fucking bottle of cheap Soave. Nice. Hope I puke on him.

Oh Aries, me duck. Don't despair. I know that gusset-checking feeling only too well. A bottle of Soave will do the trick - if nothing else, as a PESH once said to me, it might defy your body into diffage.

Oh Aries. Here, have another bottle. I've got loads.

Pisces - the brown string could be implantation bleeding, you never know. Genuinely. That was the only diffed symptom I had early when I was.

But drink the wine anyway... and I am cross at Mr Pisces on your behalf.

Well ladies, end of day 33 and nadda. It is officially my longest cycle, like evvva. Feel not pregnant, feel not droidful, feel not nothing except like must eat and drink everything in house by midnight or be damned.

Oh I am drinking the wine. But can you get implantation bleed fourteen days after ovulation?

Oh, I dunno. Why not? everything else round here's up the spout at the mo...

He's not really a wanker. No, he's really not. It's just what he knows about women could be written on the back of a postage stamp. Despite being married to me for eight years.

oh aries I'm really sorry. Mr Gin is good at being similarly tactful and supportive. Big smooches to ya.... and a bottle of spirits of your choice.

Aries to the brown string to knobsock comments of yer fella. Even TYF, who is normally sickeningly lovely, comes out with some tactless howlers at times. Also, whenever have a babyfail and cry, etc., he says things like 'Don't worry, I'm sure there's still a little bit of hope', like I'm 48 and we've been trying for 20 years and I have no womb, etc. Makes me feel like situation is even more ghastly than it already is!

Droid due tomorrow or Friday. Will miraculous St Needles have made it less painful? Watch this space.

Oh Aries, that's rubbish. Hope the wine is good but preferably without the puking.

Do you think we can run a course to send men on of 'things not to say'? They all seem to manage to put their feet in it sometimes.

Just popping in to say hello and goodbye again. Don't panic, its not for good (you'll not get rid that easily I can tell thee>. Had a lovely time in Cornwall, avoided sickess bug (hoorah!) and got wind sunburnt. We are off tomorrow for a week or so in Dorset where I may or may not have access to t'interweb.

Aries NO NO NO to the brown string. And give MrAries a smack round the back of the head from me. He sounds like he has taken a leaf out of TG's book - 'oh you didn't really expect to be pregnant this month did you?'

I am off to bed, I am blimmin' knackered, but enjoy the cider and have this bitchslaps from me.

'this bitchslaps'???

Have dealt out the violence by proxy, laydeez and the fucker is suitably chastised. Even brought me a cuppa tea in bed this morning. Thanks for the lovely words .

Pol - thanks for the cider. I trust it's proper blow your head off scrumpy? Yay. I too am windburnt after the weekend - it was a real howler wasn't it?

Have manaaged to get up and start work without puking but it was a close run thing. Brown string is developing nicely (*HB, you should patent that as perfect description). I guess one good thing about it is that I've had a droid without the customary boob agony. Onward BESH soldiers...

Mother arrives this afternoon What can I cook that doesn't make her more ashamed of me?

Ooooo, food chat!

Roast a chicken with a lemon up its arse & have with rosemary-roasted new potatoes and green salad? Never fails. And lemon posset after! Easiest dessert in the world.

Lasagne! I want some right now.

Aries - it ain't over til the little metal bastard actually bleeps. I still reckon you're updiffed.

Headbanger I have said before that I am a shit cook. I also have a crap rented oven. I don't even know what a posset is. She'll be lucky if she gets chicken and chips. Though I suppose I could rustle up a lasagne. Veggie of course (meat free zone).

PaulaRadcliffe (you like?) I'm almost certain it is over. But thanks anyway

Lasange is a THOUSAND times more difficult than posset! Or a roast chicken!

And FWIW I slightly agree with Lycra. Brown string is not typically droidesque, as far as my Googling could advise...

You're a vegetarian ?

Actually, I won't. I got modded on a Guardian board for being offensive to vegetarians once. True story! I learnt my lesson. Manners and politeness all round.

Ps - Why aren't I 2WOOFLING? I should be. Now I'm worried that I don't deserve a baybee because I'm not being menkul. Which is itself a form of menkul

I'm not a veggie by choice. Husband is and he's a worse cook even than I am so I do nearly all the cooking and making two dishes is a faff. Deffo don't eat fish though. Seen The End of the Line? Scary shit, very scary. Actually I do eat some fish, if it's been caught by one of the angling boats and they have leftovers they're distributing. Pollack and mackerel mostly. How Cornish does that sound?! "Moi luvver do ee want sum fish? Proper luvvly tis."

I'm veggie - wanna fight?