Waiting to TTC part 2!

[bebejones]

Shiney new thread before we drop off the end of the last one!

Ooh can I join in too? Was just lurking on the Conception board, saw this thread and thought 'that's me!'
Background: 30 years old, married for two and a half years. Hopelessly broody.
Our reason for waiting is mainly financial. I moved to the UK four years ago with no savings, met DH who had had a considerably misspent youth, had some debt and also no savings. Now we are both earning well and starting to build a little nest egg, but I just cannot see how we will ever be able to afford for me to give up work. How will we pay the rent?
I am self-employed, so no maternity leave, and am not a British citizen, so no benefits.
Can anyone give me any guidance as to how much money you spend in the first year or so?
Did any of you 'save up' for your first child?

Welcome to CuppaTee & Leptin!

Cuppa - don't think a kitten would have held off my broodiness either! My Dh is totally afraid of having a baby...and we already have one!!

Leptin - Haven't totalled up how much DD (20months) has cost us. TBH I would be a bit scared doing it!! We were given loads of stuff & DD is the 1st granchild so actually we have been quite lucky that most of what she has needed has been bought for her. If you BF I would say for the 1st 6months costs are quite minimal. It's just the 'set up' (nursery, pushchair, car seat etc) that's the tricky bit. But I would buy things a bit at a time and spread the cost that way. We didn't have savings & things have been financially tough, but I don't think having DD has made that worse, think it's mainly down to the recession & DH being self-employed!

Welcome Leptin. I shall have to wait and reply to these when I get home and get on the laptop.

Thank you. Looking forward to hearing of others' experiences.

Only two of my close friends have DC. Two of DH's friends have LO. DH is three years younger than me, which means that I'm asking him to do something I wouldn't have been prepared to do at his age.

Just exactly as you found, CuppaTee, once sufficient of DH's friends had got married, DH was happy to do so as well. I think this will be the same. So I keep desperately hoping DH's friends' wives will make announcements, but I think they're probably thinking the same about me!

He's just fed up with hearing about it. I've no idea how much I mention it but from my (perhaps slightly paranoid) point of view it seems constantly. I'm almost constantly thinking about it and restraining myself from mentioning it! DH is willing to talk about it a bit, but doesn't really see what the purpose of the conversations are. Poor DHs - what they have to go through!

Leptin you say that finances are one of the reasons for waiting. What are the others? I have such a combination! Finances, DH, no house, fear, work... I'm planning to save £5k before I have the baby, but most of that is to cover loan repayments while I'm off work. The main costs are going to be childcare, which I'm expecting will cost £800 to £1000 a month. But DH has started making noncommital grunting noises which, if you listen carefully, sound like "why don't you stay at home with the baby for longer?" But that must be my imagination.

Thanks for your post Amanda. TBH your combined reasons sound quite like ours! Finances definitely number one. It's interesting that you mention 'no house' as one of your reasons for waiting - I am the same. I guess I always assumed that buying a house comes before having a baby, but how the hell does anyone in this country ever get a mortgage????? All the banks need a minimum of 20% deposit to grant a mortgage. Considering the average price of a flat in London is £300K+, that is a deposit of at least £60K. I just don't see how we will ever save that

Work is another issue. I am self-employed and have worked bloody hard to be where I am at the moment. I love my work and have so many exciting things going on, am turning work away, never believed I would be so successful. It's very scary to think of giving all that up. Or at least putting it on hold.

And then there's health. I have an autoimmune disease that can cause problems with fertility. I am also unfit and very underweight - I need to gain lots of muscle mass before considering falling pregnant.

I don't have any family in the UK, and my in-laws are not nearby. We would have no practical support in terms of childcare. I've always wanted to be a very 'present' mother, so will not want to return to work fulltime. After a few months I am sure I can start work again one or two days a week - but would need to save to be able to pay rent and bills etc in the meantime.

It's a nightmare thinking about it all. Everyone always says 'if you wait until the right time you'll never have children' but when will it be 'right enough'?

If we both did nothing but save we could raise the deposit for a house within three years. And then if we saved for another six months we could afford to try for a baby then, and assuming no fertility problems I'd be 36 when it was born. And 38/39 when/if we tried for DC2. And that's just not the age gap I want between me and my children. I don't want to be having sleepless nights when I'm 40. I'm already operating on half the energy I had in my twenties.

But with debts, no house and no savings, is it mad to plan a family? I've recently watched DH supporting his mother through the difficult task of sorting out her brother's affairs and care following a stroke and I keep thinking "where would she be without her DS to help her?" - and that's another thing to factor in. I don't want to leave it too long and find that I can't have children.

Amanda - That's a lot of saving!!! There is definately no right time to have children.

I am going to be secretly saving. DH is reluctant to have another baby & I have convinced him on the basis that we already have everything big we would need... but I NEED a new travel system as I really dislike the one we have!!! So will be saving for a new one! I will justify this as it wll be the only new thing we need for another baby. Have picked one I like already but it was research as needed to know how much I had to save!

Wow Amanda that's a lot of saving! I suppose financial is also part of our reasons for waiting as DH is currently unemployed and I've recently become self employed (working from home) so I'd have to take a v short mat leave (the stat 16 wks in Spain, or poss even less) so as not to lose clients while I'm gone. I will get 2500 euros from the governemebt for having a baby and got a start up grant of 4600 euros for the business, so we have some money lurking. If I wait til DH is employed again we might never have another as the job situation is so shite here he'll probably have to retrain.
We have EVERYTHING. I'll be reusing my jané ttravel system, so will just be a few more clothes (but people give you stuff anyway...MIL will be thrilled to have another chance to buy little outfits, especially if we had a girl, I'd think she'd be in 7th heaven buying little girl clothes ). If BF went tits up like before I'd need some more bottles as mine are all cracked, but other than that...maybe a ringsling?
We're thinking of about July/August still to stop using contraception.

ooh, and back to the other people with children thing. I had a couple of slightly older friends (5 yrs or so older) with kids but I was one of the first in my age group. Now, suddenly everyone I know is having kids.

It is a lot of saving - and definitely more than DH will countenance - but how else can we get on the housing ladder? Once DC1 arrives everything will go on childcare, so saving for the house deposit would go out the window. I've just paid off my overdraft and my current account is in the black for the first time ever, but it's been a frustrating few months! Now DH is planning summer holidays, which won't be cheap.

Babysitting my friend's 8 month old this morning. He's just amazing. So envious!

is it just us waiting?

I know for a fact we're not the only ones waiting, I guess we're the only ones who want to talk about it at the moment. Personally, I often find I'm so busy at work I don't have time to post anything meaningful in here. I'm sure others are in the same boat. I also prefer to use my laptop and won't post if DH is reading over my shoulder and rolling his eyes!

I'm still here waiting too! My medication was delivered yesterday but have to wait until next week to start! Feeling very aprehensive as it will definately mean no TTC until I stop! Managed to get DH to agree to getting rid of old travel system! So he knows we will need a new one!!

Maybe nobody else wants to dwell on it, after all it's pretty grim. Don't get me wrong, life is fine - good even. The freedom to do whatever we want, the long lazy weekends and the peaceful nights are all wonderful things that I'm sure we'll look back on longingly. But this thing hangs over me all the time. It's not even waiting for an actual something; it's first of all waiting to see how DH and I feel about actually having a baby when all the planets finally line up - and then trying to conceive.

It is helpful to know that I'm not the only one and that other women out there are biding their time in just the same way.

Bebe at last it's finally here. I know you're not looking forward to these months of treatment and that it's not much comfort to hear this but the sooner it gets underway the sooner it will finish and you can get on with your lives.

Hello bebe I can see you're not that keen on starting the meds, but try to think of it in AC'S terms that the sooner it starts, the sooner it stops and ou can TTC. How long is the treatment? Do you have to wait for a while after stopping?

I look back longingly on lie ins and the freedom to do whatever I want but I wouldn't swap it for what I have. And I'll get those things back in time as DS grows up and needs me less. It must be hard though, thinking about ttc so long before ou can start.
I sort of knew I wanted to give it a go once we'd got married but there wasn't that long long time when i wanted it but couldn't.

I'm having a more keen phase again just recently, ahving felt very off TTC just recently.feeling quite broody again. Still all the same things in the way, so at least july for me still. it creeps closer though!

Found out DS will start nursery 1st sept if he gets a place so that fits v nicely with ttc in about aug.

Been a bit worried about money this month as had a CRAP month earnings wise (self employed) and got an enormous tax bill, but feeling a bit more gung ho about it all as I should be getting my grant soon. So, going to crack on with the same old plan for ttc/NPP in the summer and deal with other shit when we get to it.

im still here waiting for sept only 5 months left im getting very board of waiting a cant wait to start got a bit down at the weekend i went to see my sis whos 6 mons pg she was showing me all the baby boys clothes she got so wish iyt was me on a good note had a lovley day on mopn as it was my dd1 7th birthday

Pipoca - have to be off meds for 3 months before TTC. Last injection will be the 24th September (already worked it out!!) so can start trying from 24th December! What a great xmas present!!

Iwantanother1 - my SIL is PG with her 2nd & I find it really hard hearing all about her baby plans. Visiting my friend 2moro who is also PG with her 2nd, just feels like it's so long off for me.

Nice xmas present! It'll fly by . can't believe it's April (halfway through April) already!

It's funny you should say that about the broodiness coming and going. My terrible broodiness has recently taken a dip. I still want a baby but my preoccupation with it has faded a bit. I think it's partly attributable to the fact that DH seems to be coming round to the idea. Or maybe it's the change in the weather has cheered me up and stopped me obsessing over what I can't have.

Good job your broodiness is on the ascent, Pipoca, seeing as you only have, what, two cycles to go? How exciting. It would be brilliant to have another graduate on the thread - reassure the rest of us that even though it may not seem like it, time is passing and one day it will be our turn.

I know it's supposed to be bad luck, but I bought future DC a cute little sleepsuit at the weekend. Naughty I know, but think of it this way: if I should turn out to be one of those women who suddenly goes into labour having had no idea that I was even pregnant, I'll have a well dressed little surprise!

AC - Before we TTC DD I had bought a couple of cuddly baby toys kept them in my wardrobe! Found a tiny little newborn hat the other day (was DD's) have put it in my bedside drawer with the list of names! Don't think of it as being naughty, think of it as being well prepared...and spreading the cost!

My craziness went up a whole level the other day when I googled increasing chances of having twins! Always wanted 3 DC but next one may be the last one because of the medication I will be on after. Figured if I had twins I would have my 3!! Don't worry, have come to my senses now!!

I didn't buy anything pre ttc DS, but then I didn't really feel broody before TTC.I knew I wanted DC and thought it was a good time to do it (kind of, why wait?) but was actually a bit scared of it all. so this brrodiness now is really the first time I've felt it.
I'll have periods in MAy June and July and then will prob stop using contraception after the july one so maybe conceive any time from Aug. Assuming nothing else goes hugely wrong before then. It's probably not a brilliant time (mum waiting for an operation, DH unemployed, my business is newish) but I think sometimes you have to take a leap....might take ages to conceive anyway.

oh, and twins was my total nightmare scenario. Was sooooo relieved at 12 week scan that there was only one in there. the idea of 2 makes me feel quite ill with stress!
So, lets indulge some of this broodiness today, bebe you mentioned a list of names...what are your dream names for DC2?

Oooh I love discussing names, especially since DH won't even entertain that conversation!!

For a girl (I would love & DH would loathe) Tabitha Emily Jane

For a boy Oliver Robert Bern, Middle names are a given as are for both our fathers. Logan is also a contender for a boy.

Need 2 middle names to be the same as DD, I'll probably change my mind a million times before now & DC2, but at the moment these are my fantasy baby names!

so, for example tabitha first name then 2 middle names? I like your names, particularly emily.
Like robert too.

for me they have to work in English and Spanish. Top names:

boy- really hard as struggled to find an Eng/Sp name we could agree on. DS is Nicolás. I don't mind Alejandro (al-eh-HAN-dro) or Tomás (2nd syllable stress) but DH doesn't like Tomás and many Alejandros in his family. Love James but would sound like Hammer here.

girl- much much easier. In no partic order I like
Amaya (but sounds like Am I a..?)
Elena
Isabel
Amelia
Alicia but not pron'd Aleesha, pron'd Alisia

can't think of the others now, there were loads for a girl. Actually Isabel is my favourite.

So, come on the rest of you...we are waiting to TTC the least we can do is have fun and indulge baby name fantasies and admit to buying things before we're even pregnant.

We've moved house recently so I had to ge the pram out of the shed and wash the covers again (smelt musty) that's poss part of the reason for the broodiness kicking back in. Will be using the same travel system as before. Jané. which one do you want to get in the future bebe, you saidf you'd chucked the old one?