30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

[CurlyCasper]

Come in, come in. The wine is mulling, the bird is stuffed and cooked. We have a huge table at which to enjoy our festive feast, and the rippling Ricky Whittle is the centrepiece, draped in berries to be removed by whatever method you choose.

A bottle of Gin and an elf-man in a box awaits each and every one of you. Just make your wish and when you undo the bow he will appear.

There's a nativity tableau in the corner, for praying to the baybee Jebus and, most importantly of all, Santa has been asked to deliver the gift of exceptional fertility, so that each and every BESH can enter the new year with a baybeeee in their tum tum.

Oh, and I've let a few cats in to aid with the 2WOOFL menkulness.

Now, let's get together and get the tree up!

I have never tried bumsex and never intend to. thankfully, MrM feels the same.

yay for doc appt, Scorpy.

or squeamish (put that in there???)

OK, it helps if I refresh the page before posting - that made sense in the context it was in at the time....

Yay for Drs appt Scorps, grrrrrr at yours Polly Camel would you like some of our snow? We'd like rid of it ta. Had to travel too many miles to a training thing today that everyone apart from the organiser thought should've been cancelled - grrrrr. Unfortunately the fact that we mostly turned up to tell her this kind of proved her right - we could get there, apart from the ones from way up north.

Scorps, highly amused at the couple your Mum met, but at anyone managing to be that naive. Apparently in some conservative Christian bits of the US bumsex is all the rage among teenagers because it doesn't count and you're still a virgin

I feel I may have unleashed a bumsex outpouring.....

There's a lovely thought....

poo that is properly shite

poo that's derangingly annoying. Don't they KNOW how time sensitive these things are?! I hope you gave them a special death-stare. Here, have half my gin.

Scorp I hope your GP is a bit more on the case. But why are you here if you're oving? Go and adopt the impregnation position. Chop chop.

Just to finish me off completely, I've found out that our contents insurance doesn't cover the loss of my wedding ring, just before christmas. Can't afford to replace it - it was lovely chunky platinum band, engraved on the inside and I opted not to have an engagement ring, so I feel nekkid without it. I am off the wagon already. Fuckety fuck fuck FUCK! If I get a babyfail next week it will be the fault of my GP's for inducing breakdown and Aviva insurance for being cunts. (Obv not the lovely vodka I am currently necking)

Fig I think you have hit the nail - I do feel deranged. I am going to keep drinking until I feel numb/pass out, whichever comes first.

Kick today to the kerb and wake up invigourated tomorrow. Get yourself a nice warm bubble bath and tuck yourself into bed with a hot water bottle and an attractive husband. That should sort things out nicely

Hugs and kicks to Polly and Fig.

But where will I get one of those now Cunty? Good call on the bath though... Thanks Medee.

Glasgow kiss to Polly, that is much yuckiness

Fucking incompetent idiots, poosticks. And grr to wedding ring. Poor you. Vodka will help, though.

Figgy that's just cruel. Suggest you find a toyboy asap to fill you with his little babies.

Ta for snow offer, oca. If it could turn up in time for another snow day, that would rule.

iggy piggy I love your little ones. Very mini.

I is a bit menkul this week. Ov'd on Sunday I reckon, following mucho shagging (but no bumsex) and bizarrely since Tuesday I more knackered than can ever remember and cannot get our of bed in the morning. Can't even blame excessive consumption of le vin rouge or late nights. Also, have unquenchable thirst for grapefruit juice. Have I lost the plot. Someone slap me hard in the chops.

Watching Turn of the Screw. Well spooky.

Kick 'em ALL in the cunt, Poosmell! The medical incompetence is a headfuck, the wedding ring thing is just the foetid cherry on a steaming pile of cow dung masquerading as cake Absolute arsebuckets.

I has indeed SWIed ce soir (once I'd dragged TYF away from the PS3... sigh), heartened by a visit earlier at work from a midwife friend who told me that 37 'isn't that old at all nowadays' to be TTC (she regularly deals with women up to 48!). I also got to hold her gorgeous 8-wk old son and stopped him crying. Just call me the baby whisperer (Gina Ford can fuck off)

But also got shit news that my place of work will be closing at Easter Anyone got, or know of, a job for a fabulous and swotty BESH like myself? Am secretly hoping that getting a new job or starting some kind of training will guarantee a badly-timed updiff

Polly That's quite an astounding display of incompetence from a phlebotomist. I'm really sorry about the ring, perhaps boo can temporarily lend you one of her princess rings if you explain the situation?

figgy Don't you dare be so bloody passive in your babymaking attempts. This is the official gafg kick up the arse for you Ms. Wildfig if that even is your real name! Don't you dare sit there for the next x months praying that one day you'll be ov'ing when he's home. When you are about to OV you can either drive in to town and demand a 10 minute quickie or you can meet up at a Travelodge halfway. I will not accept such passivity - turn it in to an illicit affair. Get his man-muck and get home to the puppy. You need his man-muck and him. 120 miles away 4 nights a week is too much. Make plans, it's only 120 miles away, not 1200 and I'm assuming it's not overseas. When I worked in Brussels a colleague of mine flew in Monday morning, flew home Tuesday night (to Gatwick) and back again Wednesday morning to visit his wife which is a darned sight more complicated than checking in to Travelodge Slough for a bit of bump 'n' grind with the puppy giving you sad eyes...

ocarina The religious have always loved a bit of bumming - apparently Italian Catholic girls are the absolute worst for it. Let 20 boys up your bum when you're 15? NO problem - just as long as your coochy-coo is as fresh as a daisy on your wedding night!

fig that bit of stern talking to will guarantee an undiff, take it from me

scorps sorry to hear about your place of work - I'd give you a job here but a) it's a long old commute, and b) even I'm allergic to some of the shite people come out with round here with their 'run up the flagpole' this and their 'touch base' that. It causes a nasty itchy rash on one's eyeballs and teeth, so I can't risk your health in this way little lamb.

scorps I'd offer you a job here except all the people I've interviewed in the last 5/6 weeks I have discretely advised them not to accept the roles as it's a doomed project and the leader's name is Adolf - which always makes me giggle. Anyhows... someone went over my head and hired a load of people anyway - and you remember how I've said in the past that if jailbait and I have a little mong it doesn't matter because we'd love it anyway? Well... the boys they've hired... we'd have handed the baby back.

Blimey, ski, you're terrifying! Could you order my ovaries to pay attention and produce better eggs, pliz?

Scorp Boo to job. Can you use your mad writing skillz and freelance from home?

camel my love, there is nothing wrong with your eggs, it's your husband and his shoddy sperm. You've been torturing yourself for months about your diet/alcohol consumption/fitness - and what has he done? Has he changed his diet/underpants/exercise regime? Or is he completely oblivious to such things? I am certain that when jailbait and I started trying his diet was fucking appauling (cherry coke as only form of liquid intake anyone? ) - I broke him down over the course of a year (diet-wise) and also made him take zinc pills. The fact that I conceived at my most unhealthiest tells me that my ancient lady-eggs were fine and it was actually his head/tailless swimmers which were the issue. Now, go home and have a nice fuck. And no toilet/shower immediately afterwards - let it bake in!

Cunty is right. Nothing guarantees diffedness more than a stiff talking to - beats the pants of stiff cock!

Oh Scorps that sucks. Lets hope you are updiffed this month and can then claim your maternity allowance when bubba arrives... that will tide you over for a bit. Maybe you need to start writing for a living - perhaps this a sign.

Hell Ski - were you in the military? You are fierce. (and a tiny bit scary!)

Polly haha no, but I've made a career out of military boyfriends since I was 21! Hubba hubba - I like a man who can do rather than talk. Plus they tend to have what we call in the business "fit bods".

Thanks guys, but I'm not eligible for Maternititty leave. And my boss-friend is so skint that she couldn't pay it anyway - she can't afford to heat her own home at the mo

I have been all Mystic Meg and thinking 'aha, it's a sign to use my mad writing skillz (TM Camel)' but then settled for a pathetic wail in TYF's arms about how I'll never get a job. My default setting is overblown depression - surely I'll be fine re: PND?

Me and TYF were talking over Xmas about what we'd do if he had rubbish sperm. I said, 'well, if we have to do sperm donation, it'll have to be your elder brother, as he's the better-looking one'. The way he slowly swivelled his head to look at me agog showed that I have put waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much thought into the matter already

Then he pointed out that the baybee might have the brother's personality (ie none) and it was back to the drawing board.

I would be well pissed-off if his spunk was all wrong, seeing as he's so young and is one of 55 cousins (mega-fertile family)!

Hey! Camel's Eggs! What the hell are you playing at? You better turn into a baybee this month, or so help me God, your life will not be worth living!

There, does that help?

Am OVing on CD16 (today). Droids have been shorter of late, so fear a luteal fail already. Again, the overblown depression. Was crying on bus again yesterday at fear of childlessness. Can you all pile on for a group bitchslapping?

Bitchslap administered, scorp.

Also, horse pill sized Vitamin B seems to have started to control my spotting and slightly extended my luteal phase - but can also backfire and delay ovulation, so you might want to do your own research before taking it...

ski Husband has been taking supplements, has never smoked, and barely - if ever - drinks. Plus, his sperm have form (former girlf who had an abortion (although even he admits that isn't actually proof of mega-fertility)). The only thing that might be affecting stuff is totally out of his control, unless I want him to quit his job, and I feel that might be even more stressful.

If only with the going home and having a nice fuck. I loved my snow day yesterday. Trackie bottoms and thermals and a big jumper and many, many cups of tea. Shame I couldn't justify the same today...

Scorps I gather you'd get Statutory (sic) maternity pay - which is probably more than your current wage (which I'll assume is minimum) and I think she'd have been able to claim it direct from government. I remember being a poor fucked-up Tesco employee aged 19 - off sick and because my manager was a complete cunt Tesco refused to pay me and put me on SSP - which ended up being more than my wage! Twats.

I'm sure you'll get another job Scorps, but perhaps you're going to have to accept that your application for rocket scientist is unlikely to be successful.