30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

[CurlyCasper]

Come in, come in. The wine is mulling, the bird is stuffed and cooked. We have a huge table at which to enjoy our festive feast, and the rippling Ricky Whittle is the centrepiece, draped in berries to be removed by whatever method you choose.

A bottle of Gin and an elf-man in a box awaits each and every one of you. Just make your wish and when you undo the bow he will appear.

There's a nativity tableau in the corner, for praying to the baybee Jebus and, most importantly of all, Santa has been asked to deliver the gift of exceptional fertility, so that each and every BESH can enter the new year with a baybeeee in their tum tum.

Oh, and I've let a few cats in to aid with the 2WOOFL menkulness.

Now, let's get together and get the tree up!

BUMSEX

2 feet! Bloody hell. The boyf's lazy sperm will be putting their feet up after 2 cm!

laurie I have just remembered something I read about 'sperm boot camp' once... when men go to sort out their lazy sperm by doing lots of press ups and eating rare steak will see if can find link for you! Is v. funny..

Muser For real??? I love bumsex facts. iggy did you ever find out if it's true that doctors used to call bumsex babies 'backwards babies'?

Guinea pigs are the best of all the rodenty type creatures.

ski I think is made up - I could find anyone to say it was so....

couldn't - obv

what's a bumsex baby?

(ps I don't want to google it in case it is akin to dragonbutter or other MN revelations)

(pps if it is akin to said, please just don't tell me anything, I could vom at any moment)

Aaargh, now I've gone and googled things I didn't want to know about - thanks vag! (yeah, I know, it was my own fault)

Didn't help with bumsex baby though.....

VAG Well legend has it that the medical profession use phrases and acronyms to describe situations amongst themselves which perhaps are not obvious to the layman. E.g., NFN (normal for norfolk), TF BUNDY (Totally fucked, but unfortunately not dead yet) etc., etc. Anyway, one of the rumours I once heard was that a 'backwards baby' is one who has been conceived via hot, salty manfat leaking out of the lady's bumhole and swimming strongly towards its destiny (egg). Because apparently in days gone by bumsex was a reasonably safe contraceptive and of course you married a virgin.

Iggy, being a huge bumsex fan but also an enormous wimp, refuses to ask her medical parents whether this is true or not.

Def for real ski. It's a top fact I was told when working in Bum Sex and is a genuine troo fact.

One should keep in mind that the colon is very very long, so it's not like the sperm comes shooting out the top of someone's head...

too many mental images I didn't want!!!!!!

muser - How can you 'work in Bum Sex'???

To clarify - I am not a fan of actual bumsex... just of the use of the word. Can't think of anything worse than a cock up the arse - but maybe I'm a prude

Tsk @ iigy'missionary'piggy - letting the bad girl image slip...

Have you tried poppers?

I worked for a sexual health org iggy, and with a ton of gay men. Hence lots of bumsex chat and knowledge.

cunty You can keep your poppers thank you very much

I have just found out that I don't have syphilis, which is always good to know

Cunty, you're making me wheeze with laughter. You're so obviously a big, heavily tattooed, no-nonsense gay trapped in a woman's body. Tell me, was Liquid Gold involved in the conception of your baybee?

I am firmly anti-BUMSEX (for me). I was once asleep in bed with an ex when an alarming sensation in me Gary Glitter woke me up. That was when he became an ex. Well, after I leapt up, looked for something to hit him with and then beat him with my umbrella till it broke. No, no, NO.

I want some Maca now - can men and women both take it? I feel that I'm not being control-freaky and neurotic enough about TTC yet At the mo, I feel shit and am eating crap and can't stop myself even though I look like a transvestite killer whale and am forcing TYF into perfunctory and bitter SWIing, so this will probably be 'my' month. Am superstitious that the 'ironic updiff' is the best way to go.

I like bumsex. There, I've said it.

cunty, little Miss iggy isn't actually a missionary girl - I thought we'd all admitted to getting a babypass with "wrong way up" sex?

muser 'nuff respec'!

just sticking head around door to say hello to newbeshes. You are most welcome. I believe it's your round.

scorps, no it wasn't a feature although I do have a bottle in the drawer of my bedside table. It was my drug of choice when I was 17 and going to parties. Not because I indulged in bumsex (although my best friend was gay - quite what that has to do with owt I know not) but because it gave me a toptastic headrush and wore off after 5 minutes.

It's a sign of the times that it's now in my drawer because of sporadic bouts of constipation brought on by relentless salad dodging.

And for the record I don't have a single tattoo, not one, and also I don't have my nipples pierced.

I also hold my hand up and admit I have been known to participate in bumsex. Well I did until I met TG anyway. Lets just say his cock is in proportion to his height. Ouch. TMI? Lol.

Oh polly! Although my bumsex friends (male) tell that those are the best types!

Bloody hell - have I managed to shock the unshockable Ski?! My job here is done....

Yeah it ain't no good if it don't tickle the back of your throat

Enough bumsex talk for you Iggs?