30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

[CurlyCasper]

Come in, come in. The wine is mulling, the bird is stuffed and cooked. We have a huge table at which to enjoy our festive feast, and the rippling Ricky Whittle is the centrepiece, draped in berries to be removed by whatever method you choose.

A bottle of Gin and an elf-man in a box awaits each and every one of you. Just make your wish and when you undo the bow he will appear.

There's a nativity tableau in the corner, for praying to the baybee Jebus and, most importantly of all, Santa has been asked to deliver the gift of exceptional fertility, so that each and every BESH can enter the new year with a baybeeee in their tum tum.

Oh, and I've let a few cats in to aid with the 2WOOFL menkulness.

Now, let's get together and get the tree up!

laurielou Wentworth is my favourite of all the gays.

Did anyone else catch that Brazilian dancer on Arlene's thing on saturday night? I had to go and have a "lie down" after watching him!

Like Scorps I'm not much of a drinker... still managed to fail more times than I passed. iggy An enormous number of smack/crack-addicts manage to conceive quite nicely fankuvehmuch. They probably take folic acid though.

My top fertility tip is: take the aspirin - it'll dull the pain of day-to-day life too.

Scorps Do you not ever find it a bit weird that you refuse to eat nearly everything and yet you smother your face in crap?

PS laurie I wasn't allowed to buy the Wentworth calendar for the kitchen - we've got "dramatic weather" or some such guff.

ski I'm still thinking of Brazil boy's thighs...

SFF keeps suggesting boys' names that are also my exes' names.

It's like:

SFF "Hugo*" CC "Ex";
SFF "Tobias*" CC "Ex";
SFF "Bartholomew*" CC "Ex";
SFF "Tarquin*" CC "Ex";
SFF "Cornelius*" CC "Ex"....
SFF "Oh, FFS!"

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Curly I was relieved when I saw 'names have been changed'. I was thinking, Whew! That's quite a line up of Hons!

I want the next baby name trend to be names that sound like they should have 'Uncle' in front of them. Uncle Trevor, Uncle Brian, Uncle Gordon, etc.

Just to mess up the alcohol theory a little more, both of my diffups have followed shameful heavy drinking bouts.

Hey, I'm not hiding behind my laptop just yet.

Quiz time:

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

Gin is the source of my very best story. I made a lad very very ill on gin once & we tell the story very often, so yes, I love gin!

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Used to be a cradle snatcher, but no more, got my lovely (slightly) older man now.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

c

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

b. can I please have a ticker thing too?

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

b

6. what colour are your walls?

magnolia, magnolia, magnolia, magnolia...you get the idea.

7. Number of pets?

2 pinny piggies

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

errr none

9. Lesbian crush obsession?

Cheryl (ahem) Cole

10. What are your views on camping?

Viewed from a nice, warm, cosy hotel room, with a toilet, hot water & a lovely comfy bed.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on? i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it. ii) Over 100 quid iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

none yet, am going to be really really good and not test until I 'know' (well until March maybe)

Do I get to stay?

chim you is clearly not menkul enough if you haven't already used a million sticks

only joking... what are pinny piggies please?!

I feel we have lost some BESHlets... Anyone seen looney or chocho ? And I is also missing ginhag

Shurrup ski the lovely Wentworth cannot be gay.

I miss ginhag too. If you're lurking, hope you're OK.

I don't actually drink much as the boyf doesn't drink at all (freak) as he doesn't like the taste of it (uber freak).

The boyf is also fairly healthy eating (Cadburys Fruit & Nut counts as 2 of your 5 a day, right?), doesn't drink alcohol, tea or coffee, isn't overweight & yet still has lazy, crazy sperm (he's done the test & everyfink). So I'm not overly sold on the healthy lifestyle = baybee story.

Well, that's what I'm sticking to as I munch on my Crunchie bar anyway!

laurie I fink I got a bit menkul / desperate and would believe anyfing i read...

I am off the booze for January, until skiing holiday anyway. But this is mainly due to excessive consumption over Christmas and general lardiness.

I am not off chocolate though. In fact, I've just realised I must have chocolate right this second. Hmm, fruit & nut or Crunchie?

Laurie my friend told me her husband had v slow swimmers but he took some fertility vitamin supplement thing and they had turned into super sperm by the next test at the fertility clinic. Very unhelpfully I can't remember what the supplement was but I guess I could find out if you want..?

bessie was it these by any chance? I nearly bought some...

Iggs I am feeding my poor husband supplements every night. And cracked yesterday in Waitrose and bought Maca, as recommended by Polly.

Not sure how helpful/unhelpful being off the booze is, since I have had dry months and boozy months in the last 13 fucking cycles and neither option has resulted in a baybeee.

iggy I'm sorry, I don't know. My friend raved about them though.

Ooooh, Bessie if its not too much trouble.......

Laurie I'm seeing her at the end of the week, I will try to remember to ask.

I am good iggypiggy, I am strong & I am NOT going to wee on anything til I'm sure. Well, next month I may (probably will, (definitely will)) buy some ovulation test sticks. Does that count?

Pinny piggies are guinea pigs. My 4 year olds language has rubbed off onto the rest of us. They are called 'the white one' and 'the brown one'.

Right, I'm helping Mr Chim make some paper hairyplanes.

worried about chim's answer to Q4...

Welcome chim and queenrollo. And yay for all furry creatures (as long as they don't live in my house, although meeting a colleague's guinea pigs this morning reminded me just how cute they are) - cute puppies iggy, do you get to choose?

My ebaying was rewarded this afternoon with a thermometer gadget thingy, but I'm not sure I've got the hang of it. I got readings of around 34C when I tried using it (orally!) which seems weirdly low. So what am I doing wrong?

Camel, how did you persuade your husband to take supplements? Mine is ignoring the tub sat by the bed and moaning about swallowing things. I'm not sure how he can have got to nearly 30 without learning to swallow tablets (malaria pills was a bit of a saga....) but he seems to think he doesn't need to. Gah.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. I want a ticker with fluffy wuffy lickle baby waby bunny wabbits and cutesy wootsy birds tweetering and some pwetty flowers too. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

less cute more violence please!

Line up the tequila shots please David, my hangover's wearing off and I'm giving up alcohol next week.....

Please can someone PLEASE say BUMSEX?????????

delivers kicks all round.

occy yes - i get to pick!

BUMSEX

BUMSEX!

Did you know, that after bumsex, sperm can travel 2 feet up inside of the person? I love that fact. It's my party fact.

My name is Muser, and I used to talk about BUMSEX for a living!

YAY - BUMSEX

Muser - I first read that as party trick