Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

30s TTC - More Gin Than George BESH

1001 replies

Scorpette · 22/11/2009 12:43

Come on in ladies, the bar is fully stocked with Advocaat, Bailey's and novelty Xmas drinkies and the slaves are wearing Ann Summer 'Santa's Hat' posing pouches. Have also festooned the place with plenty of festive tat and lots of v un-eco and tacky Xmas lights and shit because I know we all love getting Xmassy dead early. There's a fireplace so you can send your wish list to Santa up the chimbley, platters of wooden spoons and coconuts on the mantlepiece and 'Mulled Wine' scented candles lighting up The Pit of Despair. Make yourselves at home!

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorpette · 15/12/2009 18:18

I'm not too late for the cunt kicking, am I? BOOT!

When am I made Queen of The World (will surely happen v soon), I will pass laws that make saying things like 'just relax and it'll happen' punishable by torture and anyone who boasts about getting updiffed by stealth/by accident/despite using contraception will be sent to Gulags manned by bitter childless women over 40.

Well, I hope Ski's 'heavy lifting aids conception' theory is true, because I've been lugging about Waitrose bags (for life, natch) this avo that weighed approximately the same as my own body weight.

My womb-stitch is starting to go off, 24 hours after it started and am now feeling nauseous, ravenously hungry and needing a wee all the time, but am not going to menkul it because I know those are all yer Generic Raised Progesterone SymptomsTM. Only when I POAS and get something other than my usual 'Dream on, Grandma' result will I get happy. Now then, do I plaster soft goat's cheese or MIL's rancid meat-fat on my cervix? Decisions, decisions

*I really do wear them regular-like. Am working a luxe-grunge revival look this A/W (get me!). Or 'why is that midget wearing a silky dress with those awful boots?', as most people would see it.

OP posts:
skihorse · 15/12/2009 18:35

Stand by troops - Scorpette is not going to go menkul this month.

Original poster
Scorpette · 15/12/2009 19:30

Hey Ski - looks like you were right about the heavy lifting: check THIS out!

OP posts:
rollerbaby · 15/12/2009 19:55

Where's my invite? I wanna baybee too. Lemme in.

Bessie123 · 15/12/2009 20:01

Hi honeymoo. If you want to join us you have to prove that you are resourceful barren and selfish by:

  1. finding the questionnaire; and
  2. answering it.
rollerbaby · 15/12/2009 20:08

oh alright...

skihorse · 15/12/2009 20:22

honeymoo Put the absinthe on the bar for a minute and answer the questions.

Questions need to be answered:

  1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

  2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

  3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
    a) weewee
    b) poopoo
    c) foofoo
    d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
    e) none, relax and "it'll just happen".

  4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
    a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
    b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

  5. Is R2D2:
    a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
    b) the source of all evil.

  6. what colour are your walls?

  7. Number of pets?

  8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

  9. Lesbian crush?

  10. What are your views on camping?

  11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

rollerbaby · 15/12/2009 20:26

  1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes') Yeees. Particularly useful for cleaning my bling.

  2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar? see above for second wife privileges

  3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
    a) weewee
    b) poopoo
    c) foofoo
    d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
    c) hubby love me poonani

  4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
    a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
    b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.
    *a) then run upstairs and manically work my way through new box o'sticks

  5. Is R2D2:
    a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
    b) the source of all evil.
    *dishwater setting?

  6. what colour are your walls?
    *dunno we can't be arsed to paint after the previous inhabitants

  7. Number of pets?
    *4 go go hamsters. they look kool.

  8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame? *True blood head vampire.. I like fangs

  9. Lesbian crush? *holly willoughby's big arse

  10. What are your views on camping? *no hairdriers

  11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

None of above - use hubby amazon 1 click account for all purchases to pay him back for adult friend finder.

PollyPoo · 15/12/2009 20:42

Pmsl... we had an 'adult friend finder' episode in our house. Give her the absinthe back, I like her! Welcome Honeymoo, first round is on you.

Bessie123 · 15/12/2009 20:52

adult friend finder??

ClaireDeLoon · 15/12/2009 20:55

Welcome honeymoo am also at the adult friend finder - explain!

rollerbaby · 15/12/2009 21:03

Well no, ok. But he does threaten it if I have been on here for more than 3 days at a time.

rollerbaby · 15/12/2009 21:15

Is droid day 1 and am partaking in drinkage of the wine rack and therefore prone to exaggeration.

Original poster
Scorpette · 15/12/2009 21:20

I like the cut of your jib, honeymonster

OP posts:
CUNextTuesday · 15/12/2009 21:26
CUNextTuesday · 15/12/2009 21:28

Fuck me scrope we're like a couple of Churchill parcel shelf ornaments

Original poster
Scorpette · 15/12/2009 21:31

Ohhhh YES, Cunty

OP posts:
rollerbaby · 15/12/2009 21:41
CUNextTuesday · 15/12/2009 21:45

...

Medee · 16/12/2009 08:41

welcome honeymoo!

Bessie123 · 16/12/2009 10:05

Good morning. How is your head, honeymoo?

I have another symptom: a rubbish truck made me retch. What do you think?

Where is Hawaiian? It's time she came back. And if Ginhag doesn't get back here soon I'm going to hunt her down and kick her back to our thread.

Original poster
Scorpette · 16/12/2009 11:34

I has a new symptom - wanting to shout 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!' at the workmen who've been drilling right outside the apartment block since 7am (illegal to start so early, too). Today is my lie-in day AND I didn't sleep well. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

(I sleep wearing earplugs and the bedroom is the furthest away from the road but it still woke me up, that's how loud it is )

OP posts:
skihorse · 16/12/2009 11:43

Except on Wednesday when she's rudely awoken!

CurlyCasper · 16/12/2009 12:05

Nice Britpop ref there ski although I think that has to be dustmen... scorps if it helps a scrap metal truck has just come down my street with a ridiculous Dukes of Hazzard style horn blowing every five seconds. Seriously can't a girl get any peace at noon on a Wednesday?

Still in bed with the dog, feeling sorry for myself as I struggle to get mobile while recovering from D&V Virus.

Welcome honeymoo. Good answers, though I think we will have to come back to your scant knowledge of the evils of camping.

Want Gin to come back with good news asap. Tempted to risk upsetting my dodgy belly by doing a nikid jiggle in bed...

Bring on more festive diffments!

And get we get Ricky Whittle into the Palais as soon as Strictly finishes? He can keep his tight shirt on...

Original poster
Scorpette · 16/12/2009 12:13

Sorry to hear about your D&V, Cassie Is that you off work for the rest of the year then?

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.