30s TTC - After all, we're not nice 'down there' at the BESH of times...

[CUNextTuesday]

Polly,

I second what weewee said. I don't think that blokes really understand that it's not just about not getting pregnant month, but there are also concerns about getting pregnant, especially for us BESHies, as every month that passes takes us statistically further from our goal.

I started this game whenI was 34...within the recommended age range for ttc #1, and now I am 38, FFS!

Also, we have all got a life and a job, and frankly, TTC and the possibility of pg affects decisions that one might make...(e.g. me and the boyf bought a big 'fuck-off' house 3 years ago, thinking it would be full of kids by now, when in fact it just equates to a massive mortgage and heating bill!)

Your man is probably secure in the knowledge that he has many years of fertility, so can't what you feel about it.

Do bear in mind that, for him, he might see you getting really upset, and one of the solutions is to lay off the TTC for a while. He clearly feels that this is consuming you and affecting family life, and just wants the 'old' you back. There's nothing wrong with that, but he is a bit insensitive in the way he expresses it.

Go ahead with your FC appointment - if anything they might give you Clomid or something, which would not affect him anyway. Also, your chap might be anxius about being dragged in to get his sperm quality tested...

I suppose, what I am trying to say, is that you have a family who clearly love you, but don't share the yearning you have to extend their family unit! I am sure that you will feel better in a couple of days' time...you know what it's like in this ttc game!

arsewankbollockshitcunt poo

Is a fucking awful crash when you so convinced - I have been there and gone menkul, hence last months policy of not counting dates .

Have some of your special chocolate

Poo, that is, er, poo I think we all thought this was your month, although I don't know if that will help or just make things worse. And men seem to make an art of saying the worst thing in any given situation, don't they? I remember how my Dad tried to cheer my weeping Mum up about entering the menopause by pointing out how much money she'd save from not buying tampax anymore Like others have said, he's prolly just trying to cheer you up by reminding you what you've already got and wanting you to stop stressing about TTC issues and relax but it all came out wrong. TYF tries to reassure me about my TTC fears by saying that I look younger than 37, so it's not like I'm 'really' 37 'inside' and that if we can't have kids it doesn't matter because he'll never leave me (which is all v nice, but still) - SIGH. To me, the thought of never having a child makes me feel like I'm getting a death sentence, but men simply don't have that painful physical yearning that we get.

You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting another child. Men find it hard to conceptualise this person who doesn't exist yet, whereas we're already imagining their future graduation, etc. (or is that just me?!). And cos they're so crap at talking about their feelings, we forget that we can make them feel less like partners and more like sperm machines merely there to enable our desire for this thing that's unreal to them. Saying that, he was out of order. I hope you put him straight.

Well, am off to work in a bit - can't wait till tonight because it's TYF's 28th birthday today (2 Scorpios - dynamite!). Soon he'll be a real man and everything! Bloody Ski's been taking the piss out of my soppy FB status, the git.

Oh fucksticks poo, I too had high hopes. Everyone's already said it all so I shall just say fucksticks again.

Lo all, fanks for commiserations, I do heart you BESHies. Am feeling slightly better after grabbing some zzz's on the sofa this morning while Boo elbowed me in the tit constantly snuggled in to watch Shrek 3. (Polly's bad parenting tip no 4653, when you need some time to breath, put child in front of tv )

I think my body just likes making me suffer. I really did not imagine the fact that I had NO pmt symptoms this month. Last night on the drive home from work I did allow myself to think this could actually be it and then within about 30 mins the droid had arrived without any preamble, spotting or warning. It was like my body was saying 'ner ner ner ner ner.... you didn't really think you'd be diffed you sad old dried up husk of a woman? HAH!' At least this month there is none of that 'is it droid? Isn't it a droid? Am I secretly diffed?' kind of lunacy, which I suppose is one thing to be grateful for.

At my age (38) it feels like every month gone by is a waste and I'm marching ever closer to menopause and its just NEVER going to happen. I would probably be happier if I could just accept that, but I can't. I've never really been a career person and when I met TG (not until I was 33) I felt the first time that I really wanted children... lots of them. It feels like my vocation - I've never really had anything else that I've been so passionate about. That prolly sounds really wanky and self-indulgent. Sorry.

I know I will feel better in a few days and soon it will be time to SWI again but I'm thinking I might take some time off of opk's and monitoring etc until the new year. I can't keep doing this to myself every month, its not good for my mental health or my marriage. Besides it would be nice to get absolutely fucking shitfaced without feeling guilty, espesh over xmas.

Sorry for warbling on. RIGHT. Lets line up flaming sambucas down the entire length of the bar and have a race to the other end - who is with me?

And how could I forget... where is the random violence?!! Come on, there are protocols to be followed laydeez, tut tut.

Flaming sambucas woohoo! Line em up and I'll chin anyone who steals my share. I think I've had my chances for this month. No sign of anything in the knicker department. Was all over a bit quick. Time to start crazy symptom spotting.

Polly We all think you're aces anyway.

As for TG, next time he says something unintentionally vile perhaps it's time you suggested that you're searching for stand-ins to "do the job properly".

You're 38 - you're not ancient yet, Ponymum was 41 and there are lots on the June a-n thread who are 40+.

I do think it's a great idea to temporary lay off the obessive monitoring - but as for the "drink without guilts" - well... that falls under the same category as cunty's "I've had enough and I'm not even going to try for a few months" and the rest of us "we don't want no thicko bottom-of-the-class summer baybees".

Because I'd finally organised myself enough to enter the lovely Ginger in ODEs next year that plan is a total no-go, although jailbait did ask if I wanted to do the one in early-Oct we visited this year. I'd love to. In theory. But... how long is it going to be before I can sit in a saddle without crying, never mind run a course! And who will get/keep her fit? Intensive lessons for jailbait? I'm fully convinced my diffedness has come about via alternative plans... but even as I write this I fear it's coming across as "relax and just let it happen". Punch meh.

ChoCho You're lovely too.

muser Are you referring to OV or er... bedroom antics?

Lovely Polly - everyone's already said it, but fucksticks.

I was bitching about husband's lack of response to pink stuff trauma last night to headshrinky lady (yes, I am that mad, now fuck of the lot of youse), who asked me if I thought that he was traumatised about failing me every month. So I went home and asked him. And he said no. But anyway, maybe that's your partner's difficulty - he sees your disappointment, feels like a failure and says something awful? Not that it fixes things, knowing that, but maybe it makes it easier to understand?

I will be taking time off TTC over Christmas - because of all the lovely fertility tests that will be happening - and so I can drink without thinking that I'm going to have a seven-headed Ganesh babybeeee.

OVing! Bedroom antics are just fine thankyewverymuch. It's the EWCM that vanished so quickly. I thought I was just building up and then Nowt. Am hoping I did really ov. I can't go down the temps route yet. Mebbe in the new year.

muser good news!

humpy good thing re headlady, well into that. I'm going to one too soon (waiting for appointment) over "issues" surrounding ex n stuff. Hope it helps.

polly see other place.

I think TG doesn't really understand why I get so upset each month - its not like I m/c. He hates seeing me upset and if anything I think it puts him off ttc. Because of what my GP said, he thinks the problem is with me, so he's not feeling like he is failing me.

I think he at a loss as to how to deal with me. He thinks my yearning for another child is selfish when we already have beautiful Boo, and it is hormone-driven (most heinous crime). In his head, hormones are irrational and therefore are to be discounted. Which makes me absolutely fucking furious. He keeps going on that having children is not a 'right', hence we should not seek medical help. I just want to slap him, but he'd only say it was the hormones... grrrrr.

If I don't talk about how upset I am when the droid appears then we just tick along. Its when he sees how upset I get he questions why we are doing it and we end up having the same old row.

He is worried what effect another child would have on the dynamic of our relationship. I appreciate our family would change with another child, but I don't think that is a bad thing. I am more worried on what will happen if we don't have another child - espesh if I feel that he hasn't really wanted it/supported me/done his utmost to ensure updiffment. I am worried I will resent him.

Anyway enough of my depressing selfobsessed lunacy... Bessie I'll race you to the end of the sambuca line and then I'm going to go away until I feel better. I'm thinking I should try and forget ttc until the new year just to give myself a break. The trouble is the clock just ticks all the louder when I try to ignore it.

Thanks for the support and kind words BESHies.

Carrots have replied on t'other place.

Cameltoe you have got me thinking now... maybe I should give up the acupuncture and then I could afford a headshrinky lady too...

Polpot (too far?) What did your GP say?

Headshrinky ladies are great, but annoying. Have to admit I started counselling in the expectation of being patted on the head and talking to someone I like, so it's interesting to have to work fucking hard at getting well.

Although I'm not doing that great a job, since we discussed whether or not the Palace was a good idea last night (fuelling the TTC obsession, which is then fuelling my anxiety) and my response was very much am not giving up playing with my nice friends. Even if it would make my head better.

Camel the GP said that as we already had a child the hospital may not even ask for a sperm sample. Bitch!

The palace can be a double edged sword - it is brilliant at making you feel like you are not mad (or not that mad anyway) as its the only place people really understand what its like. But when the madness gets too much I think perhaps it does fuel it.

camel and poo this is why I had time off from the palace - it got a bit much. I took about month away - and i was ok again.

Camel - ooh you tell your headshrinkylady about us?

weewee I don't tell my bloke either

That's BOLLOCKS. Sperm counts can alter radicially, as can hormone levels. Bloody GPs. Still, the fertility clinic will be much more clued up if it's anything like the one I went too. The registrar is making me retake all the tests that the doctors have already done, just to make sure.

Yup - palace can both soothe and make menkul. But the BESHIEs are a great place to vent. I guess I'll be removing self a bit over Christmas because not trapped in office and not trying, but will inevitably end up lurking.

Am going to take great delight in giving up temping once the droid finally arrives, though.

I tell my bloke. But he just sneers in a Mr Darcy-like manner. Which I find appealing.

weewee SFF knows about it all. Think he's glad I've been venting here rather than at him and seems quite impressed with all I've learned from you lovely lot.

Hi Polly,

I don't think having kids can be defined as a 'right'...it's frequently an effect that follows a particular cause in human beings.

However, in my experience, part of my body or the boyf's body, is NOT WORKING, and so we go to the docs to get it fixed, in the same way we would if our eyes or ears were not working. That is the tack you should take, especially as they could spot the cause of problems immediately and sort it out for you straight away (NHS waiting times notwithstanding).

By the way, I get hung up thinking I'm an OLD LADY sometimes, but then I see all the mums here (I work with kids), and TONNES of them are older than me, some older. They all have different stories and backgrounds, so that's positive. One of them get pg ACCIDENTALLY at 49, with her first and only child!

Can I come in? Almost mid 30s and certainly evil and selfish, hoping very much I?m not barren yet although this baby is taking its merry time coming along. Am now on cycle 4 of TTC number 2. Got pregnant very quickly with my first but I guess 3 years on with a body ravaged by sleepless nights and not enough exercise, plus a noticeably less active sex life, has probably taken its toll on my fertility! So, I?ve been following your antics on here and have noticed that quite a few of you are now with child, so I thought this must be a lucky thread and I should try to muscle my way in to steal share some of that luck.

And so to the questions?

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   Yes! Although I?ll drink pretty much anything.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   On the cougar-ish side, he is almost 2 years younger - which was a big deal when we got together in our early twenties.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Foofoo ? but in my darkest hours I might resort to praying to the baby Jebus just in case it might help! (am atheist with secular Jewish background, but am willing to be open minded if it will lead to a baby)

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

Bellow POAS! I PO 4 sticks last cycle even though there was rust already in my gusset?I am an idiot I know but couldn?t help myself and still cried when period arrived!

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

The source of all evil. I know of someone nicknamed R2D2, will never think of him in the same way again.

6. what colour are your walls?

Boring stone/cream colour with a pale blue in the bedroom ? this was as adventurous as my other half would allow us to go.

7. Number of pets?
   0 ? lived with a mad old cat lady when growing up (my mum) and vowed never to have any of my own. However, have just put offer in on a house that has a cat flap in the door to the garden and other half went all gooey and mumbled something about icklebabykittens.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame? Don?t really fancy many slebs, tend to lust over people I actually know. But will keep trying to think of someone.

9. Lesbian crush? Mariella Frostrup (How boring is that!? it?s her voice! and I like her book program on R4)

10. What are your views on camping? Secretly love it but promise not to mention it on this thread.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Probably about 100 squid so far ? stupid really as I only work part time in hoooman rights ? not a lucrative field - so consequently am brassic.

Am I in? If so, next round is on me ? but I?m poor at the moment so no cocktails until pay day.

Cho The 49-accidental-baby-lady has cheered me right up, hurrah. Ta.