30s TTC The Loch BESH Monsters

[CurlyCasper]

Welcome along women of a certain age. The new palace has a post modern water feature, spouting forth gin from a serious of suspicious looking humps...

Is that where I've been going wrong, Camel? No-one told me I had to remove them first! No wonder I've been breaking TYF!

PS Worrabaht a classic 'It was the BESH of times, it was the worst of times'?

Oh yes, let's do the "Not BESH down there one". It will be a good legacy for my Gran . Actually she would ROFL over that one, were she not cremated. Bless her [wish I could hug my gran emoticon].

blue Told you I was pants at maths. Fertility Friend says count the first day of proper bleeding... [shrug emoticon]

polly V glad you've moved forward with DH and his sulks.

Let's do it for the Grans! Gawd knows we have it so much easier than they did!

Carrots you get double nip twists for that! That means I'm day 9? I think?

But feeling the horn, so will resort to Mr Rabbit if darling husband has a headache. At least I don't have to stay awake and cuddle Mr Rabbit when I'm finished, or tend to his needs. Sheesh.

wee that was very polite of you to wash it before you returned it. What a lovely nice clean girl you must be.

Yes I did SWI on day 10 does that mean I win a baybee?

And I saw some advice about putting actual egg white up your foo foo if you don't have ffj, surely a wind-up?

No, have seen that advice in many places. Zita West, I think, recommends it, as does the mad lady what I am reading in a car crash kind of way (The Fertility Diet guru).

I wonder how it's done? Do you head off to bed with an uncracked organic egg laid (fnar) seductively on the bedside table? Do uyou break off just before penetration to crack it open - then carefully separate the yolk from the egg?

Also, has made dealing with eggs slightly tricky as I keep looking at them and thinking FFJ rather than yummy omelette.

Isn't egg white on your bits some geisha thing

Can you lot stop me woofling please - I is not supposed to be doin that this month...

ski if it helps I can direct you to the thread I was on just before discovering my updiffment and you can read all about my 'suspected appendicitis' and phone call to NHS direct... in my defense - I had POAS an got fail... but two days later i did get non-fail

Stop WOOFLing!

Did that help?

yeah - that helped!

Founds Geisha thing online - fink is true: www.abc.net.au/foreign/stories/s857003.htm

I think you're thinking of the film Ai No Corrida, where the lady done putted a hard-boiled egg up her mingepiece for the 'erotic' purpose of titillating a man (each to their own).

Do I win 'most offensive term for a foofoo award'?

On AIBU news, apparently me and Cho have extremist views simply because we are Atheists. I'd love to see what the person who wrote that would think if I explained what I really think

If anyone from this thread puts fucking egg white up their fucking fanny, I will personally come over there and kick every fucking one of you in the fanny repeatedly until you decided to pack in the ttc!!!

FFS, is there NOTHING too demeaning to expect us BESHies to do to ourselves...it's bad enough giving up the fags, gin, and crystal meth!

Scorps

Gp surgery pile of fucking twats. Still not got my blood results because I dared to go for a piss when they called and now I have to move to tomorrow's list. Tomorrow, I will be in big meeting with big boss and will probably miss the call again. Cunts

(However, if any of you work in my local GP surgery, please ring me first thing tomorrow and tell me all is well, my ovaries appear to be functioning beautifully and instead of low prolactin, FSH or LH, you have actually found very high levels of HCG which would suggest the presence of twins in my well-prepared, homely womb. Thank you )

Work has been awful this week and it's only the end of Tuesday. I could so be a SAHM...

'Fuck's sake, I can't use crystal meth as well?!?!?!?! The restrictions when TTC are ridiculous!

I'm afraid that when TTC in M1 (so young! So innocent! So deluded!), I'd read about 'natural lubes' like albumen or olive oil in TCOYF but hadn't heard of pre-seed. Nixing the eggwhites, I applied a little olive oil to my, ahem, 'flower'. It were useless - TYF kept sniffing and asked me if I thought he'd turned off the hob* and I babyfailed anyway.

Sorry for 'it were useless'; am feeling reet Northern today (think this droid might have toppled me into a smidgeon of mental imbalance. Am not worried as feel grrrrrrrrrrrreat. But mad).

*I carefully decanted a little from a new bottle into a clean travel-sized cosmetics bottle. I didn't just throw down a waterproof sheet on the bed, get splashy with some Crisp 'N' Dry then shout 'It's-a your Dolmio Day' to TYF in a novelty racist accent...

**Possibly invented for comic purposes.

for Curly. You know my opinion on Drs and their 'special' phoning abilities. If you send me your number I will ring you and tell you it's twins in a disinterested receptionist manner, if that helps

BTW, you don't want a homely womb surely? I thought 'homely' was a euphemism for 'fat and plain' Although I guess that would be just right for a baby - plump, calm and grateful!

errr....

is you feeling a leetle bit fighty today?

Curly if it was anything to do with HCG your GP's receptionist would not be phoning YOU...you'd be phoning them, only to be told they can't tell you the results of the blood test, that you must book an appointment with the GP IN 3 WEEKS!!! They don't want to waste GP's time in case you lose a lickleangelbaybee in v early stages...

(However, if you correctly assess the GP's receptionist to be a fucking thicko, then you could do what I did, and say "Okay, but would you mind just giving me the number next to the letters 'hcg', for my reference?" This worked for me when I NEEDED to know hcg level to determine whether I was getting positive HPTs just due to leftover hcg after miscarriage the month before, or if I was indeed newly updiffed).

Anyway, if you are going to docs for fertility, you will probably turn into Octomom by this time next year, and we will be lining up to take them off your hands.

Talking of which...sorry I failed to deliver on those 5 baybees...don't know what could have happened...

Pigsy - I'm tasty, I'm tasty!

Cho - back to the drawing board for our future master race of Atheists then?

Thanks cho was actually just the very first PCOS tests - not even day 21 progesterone, plain old FSH, LH, testosterone (cos I is a man really) and prolactin. Nonetheless I want to know!!!!!! and can't beleive they don't even warn you that if you miss the call you have had it. If I hadn't called back I'd be still sitting tomorrow waiting for a call that is not going to come. And the last two times I had bloods (for other matters)I was told to make an appointment, got there, and saw two, different, very blank faced GPs who had no idea why I was there!!! INEPTITUDE

And to make matters worse the laptop people have fucked up again too...

Anyway, lets go hunt for those 5 baybeees cho appears to have misplaced.

Am envisaging small scorpette ball of anger - ready to explode at any minute...

Am atheist too. Cos I is scientist innit

Pigglywiggy, I am an Atheist cos I am sensible I love confounding the preconceptions of religious folk - they always presume Atheists are going to be scientists or maths geeks and the like and I'm crap at maths and find science a bit boring (apart from your science, obviously, ahem). Although I do fancy Keith (the singer) out of We Are Scientists - does this count? He's the one with the flower

Have calmed down a bit now. Have eaten and TYF is home. Think I was hungry and bored.

Atheists: wait until you are updiffed, cos then apparently you have to be religious. I had my booking in appt with the midwife last week - copious forms to complete. One of the questions she asked me was "Religion?" to which I answered "No". She looked really shocked and offended and stared at her form for ages. I don't think there was a tick box for "No".

Although I've mentioned it on here before, I shall impress you by telling you that my Mum refused to be admitted when in labour with my brother until they put 'Atheist' on the bit for 'Religion'. Then when she was refused, she kicked off until they put 'Militant Atheist'. Gotta love my Mum

I gots no problem with people being religious; I gots a problem with people expecting other people to be religious. Respect has to flow both ways.

Am now longer feisty, just in a lot of pain

Wow, I thought scorps was scary - imagine her mum!

Thread is very quiet tonight. I got so bored I actually started a thread in AIBU!! Very controversial too.