30s TTC The Loch BESH Monsters

[CurlyCasper]

Welcome along women of a certain age. The new palace has a post modern water feature, spouting forth gin from a serious of suspicious looking humps...

hawaiian I've been talking to Cosmosis by email this morning and if we've got a collective babyfail by late-Spring we're coming to visit you! Aloha! All BESHs are coming to the cocktail party - iggy ditch the breeches and get your frock on!

n.b., we won't be bringing the men as they are clearly surplus to requirements and don't fulfill their manly-obligations anyway.

Something I'm wearing today smells quite strongly of "the stables" but I'm yet to identify the offending item.

ski! You're back! Got the hang of telekinesis at last, eh? Sounds like things have been pretty wank - being sued AND no dutysex? Wha' gwaaan? PS We missed you

I would rather be Poking the Christian than Puking the Pregnacare, but each to their own...

So scorpy and iggy are bezzie mates now eh? Sending each other little billy dooze in the post

Listen, if you want to be in mah stable of bitches, Pukeface, you needs to supply me with a steady stream of gifts. My gals know how to keep Scorpy La Besh (me) in style.

Thanks to a certain someone for the diamond earrings. Scorpy loves you

Pigsy, put on that metal coil bikini and come next to me with a chain around your neck

Scorpette Oh it's all about DC these days - email to my box this morning. I have no internetee at home, so now I'm back at the office I'm making up for lost time. I'm sorry about your babyfail - wot, not even no ikkelangelbaybee named Kai? haha I get progesterone-poo-dumps - once I get that there's no more kidding myself. Are you going to stick the poo's pressie up your chuff?

Poor cunty - she needs a gin to balance her nerves, quick - somebody get the bartend!

I hate GAP. There is no GAP in Benelux but there are a few in Germany. Not wanting to drive for 4 hours to not find what I wanted I emailed their customer service in the US asking if they had x in a size y in Krautland. They emailed back saying "dunno, why don't you go and have a look, here's the address" - so I sent a tirade back. The cunts.

Scorpy I can't believe YOU'D wear diamonds. What about the leetle African baybees with no arms?

ski are you sure it's not just the way you smell

Glad you got the menkul monitor scrope - I has been having huge feeling of relief that the stupid thing is out of the house - so try not to explode into further insanity

Scorp eternal love and gratitude will be fine

Oooh, usually I loathe Stella McCartney as a massively overrated designer who can't cut for shit (give me Vivian Westwood Red Label any day - there's a woman who understands waists!) but those are so cute. Especially the little military jackets.

If anyone else wants a fertility monitor, I have a Persona that I'm not using because it made me too mad - the moment when I had to go for a pee at 3 in the morning and therefore had to wee in a glass (to save my first morning urine, factfinders) was a particular low point...

Is it not normal to wee in a glass, then?

I have my own weewee tuppaware for doing POK and POAS testing. Don't look at me like that! Don't you dare judge me! I'm probably not even ovulating - it's probably the stuff in washing-up liquid that's mimicking my LH (And no, of course I don't use the same washing-up sponge for that as I do the normal washing up! Or the washing-up bowl)

Nah, I wouldn't have diamonds, Ski. Don't agree with the diamond trade and that sorta thing. Don't even like getting flowers as so many are sourced from abroad where workers are treated appallingly and get ill from the chemical environment, etc.

Pigsy, I am still grovellingly grateful to you, even if I have rid you of the stress. In thanks, I will just step up my stalking a level and continue the anonymous love tokens. Tell me, how do feel about a dead crow in a doll's dress? In a heart-shaped box?

BTW, as ski brought it up - what do people think of the Rooneys naming their son Kai? I am forming an opinion from the letters V, H, C and A...

scorp I would worry more about me stalking you - seeing as I now have your address - be afraid

Scorps I think it was pretty much a given that it wasn't to be named "Rupert". Still, as it'll spend the next 18 years sleeping on a bed of 50 quid notes I'm sure it'll not worry too much.

Btw Scorps, iggy hates sentiment - make the gift "darker". Give her a dead crow with anthrax in a dead doll's dress.

Afternoon ladies.

God, you lot truly are mental! I love it!

Peeing in a glass and/or tupperware is necessary in my humble opinion. Otherwise you just give the pee-sticks even more ammunition to humiliate and mock you. My customised pee-stick would simply say "What?!? How do you expect those poor swimmers to find their target if you can't even get your piss to find it's target? Fool!"

Piss-tupperware is therefore essential to avoid pee-stick humiliation and pissing all over your hand.

Someone should put some instruction videos on YouTube for poor BESH like myself that lack such life-skills.

As you were ladies.

Alright, bitches?

I have been away in cave for a few days, hiding my desparate haggish barreness, for fear that should any other women simply look at me, their wombs would instantly become petrified...don't dare look upon the hag of BESHiness!

So CD5 for me now, after the most extreme bit of WOOLFing I have ever exhibited (must have been a Level 5 WOOLF, at the very least). The appearance of the droid brought a return to calm reality though, so I am currently serenly looking forward to some dildocam action on Monday.

idealcamel I am absolutely with you on Stella vs Vivienne: Vivienne allows her women to have tits, for a start, and her clothes are better made and less outrageously expensive than Stella's flimsy rags.

Glad to see that Cunty is puking her guts up ...for an emetophobe that's at least as bad as the half nelson I was going to give her, so I can save myself the bother!

longwee How many days post ov are you now?

And, while I'm in an opinionated mood, Kai doesn't really pass the screaming-yerdinnersready-out-the-front-door-with-gin-in-hand test does it?

But then, if your front door is in a mansion with a mile-long driveway maybe these tests are a little arbitrary...

Kai means 'food' in Maori. It is one of the most widely used Maori words by non-Maori speakers too. In NZ it is used in everyday conversation, like, "I'm starving, let's get some kai" or "Yum, good kai." I cannot think of it being used in any other way so I am v confused.

KAI! YERKAISREADY!

ski hurrah, thought you'd got lost.

cho good to see ya

blue I have the same problems with the stick pissing!!! I thought it was just me!

Scorp and I thought THAT ALSO was just me, about the flower thing. I had my wedding flowers done by The Organic Flower Company (www.tofc.co.uk) and they were gorgeous. I then could compost them too - wouldn't put "normal" cut flowers in my compost, too many yucky chemicals. In fact, I tried to grow my own sweet peas for the table decs (we had the reception at home) but the day before the big day was an absolute monsoon and they all got damaged. Then massively panicked telephone message to TOFC on night before wedding, begging for extra flowers for t'tables, only to find she was also on wipeout from same said downpour. Fortunately she'd saved some in cold store from earlier in the week so quick change to purply colours from blue colours and bob's your uncle.

It's more ex'otic than Kyle - pron. Koiiiiiile.

Anyways, I'm on day 19. I can't believe how long a whole 2 weeks looks. Convinced I've not caught though. V confused on temp spike - temp still v low (too low). Must be faulty thermometer (both in house must be faulty )

I think it's probably the house which is faulty carrots, not you, or your using of the thermometer. There's always a logical explanation if you dig deep enough!

BlueberryMuffin - but I also piss on my hand when wazzing in the tuppaware Loving the image of you hiding in the cave to protect others from the hideous BESH crone bad luck A few 100 years ago, we'd've been sent there for real. Or dead already. I guess things nowadays aren't so bad after all. This is what I look like in my droid cave of despair at the mo. But with dark hair, of course.

(Blueberry Muffin was way cooler than Strawberry Shortcake)

Vivienne Westwood is from Derbyshire, is a menkal and a total cougar. So just like me, then My idol! And whilst we're on the topic of colloquial terms for food, I remember seeing her in a documentary confusing pretentious fashiony Laaadaaaahn people by saying she was ready for her snap, which made me love her more than ever (snap is what we call food in T' Peak District). My friend goes out with a twat, but keeps taking him back because he buys her VW stuff to say sorry. Am thinking of manufacturing arguments with TYF to force him into the same

Carrots - I heartily approve. And having seen your wedding pics on FB, I can confirm that they were gorgeous. Like the Bride

PS PigglyWiggly, it goes without saying that I paid a tramp to piss on the crow before I dressed it up. Is that unsentimental enough?

WIDDERSHINS, Ski, you've got to massage the ovaries widdershins, not farking clockwise...no wonder the baybees never come to me!!!

Sorry CHOCHO, got the crone in cave person mixed up, I do apologise Have you been massaging your ovaries widdershins? WIDDERSHINS, fer chrissakes!

Ooops, you already know to go widdershins Guess there's not much else to do in that cave, anyway...

I'm lovin' VW with her 'snap'...that's about to become the new saying in our house!

Happy to hear you have your cave of despair..if I was you I would just hang out behind the Roaches, and approach passing strangers (young, pretty, fertile looking young maidens) dragging one foot behind me and holding out a hooked grasping hand to try to suck out their youthful energies, and create a vacuum in their mortal souls, bwah hahah...