30s TTC The Loch BESH Monsters

[CurlyCasper]

Welcome along women of a certain age. The new palace has a post modern water feature, spouting forth gin from a serious of suspicious looking humps...

gown it's a virtual hook up. What would we do huh? "I'll meet you by the windmill, you won't miss me I'll have a piss-stick behind my ear"

I don't think I could meet in real life. I'd get all tongue-tied and reveal myself to be give everyone the impression I'm a sub-normal inarticulate loser

extreme Can I put you in my pocket like my own personal little leprechaun? It is scientifically impossible not to swoon at a southern Irish lilt

Cosmo - the long version, please. TYF has decided he doesn't want to go (huzzah!).

I have that annoying thing where my accent changes slightly with others. I automatically 'neutralise' it for Southerners or poshos. Although I though I'd done that with the MIL, but it turns out I sound like I walk around in me flat cap with me whippet saying 'Ee bah gum' all day long

So just like Cunty, then

(I know the difference, it's just a 'war of the roses' wind-up)

I don't think I can handle the stress and disappointment of TTCing month after month after month (and it's only M4!). I might end up swaddling a tampon and holding it to my naked breast to feed at this rate

Too much?

Tampon? You dirty whore. Shoving things up your noo-nah like a harlot

I never said it would be my used tampon, did I?

Anyway, you can talk - I know how you got that there baby in your tummy and it didn't involve storks or gooseberry bushes. And you an unmarried woman, too!

POAS POAS POAS POAS POAS POAS for god's sake woman!

Bloody hell woman it is obvious what is going on - you are up the duff!! POAS POAS POAS!!!!

I've had fake or phantom pregnancies before - just like the dog - BUT I never got veiney boobs.

Scorps is gonna be a mummy, Scorps is gonna be a mummy (sing in v annoying childish voice )

When I was updiffed with Boo, I was convinced the POAS would be negative as I felt bloated and had that 'i'm about to come on' heavy wombular feeling. And of course it was positive.

POAFS woman! (pee on a fucking stick.... not sure I needed to spell that out)

But the braaaahn, the braaaahn!

It's only DPO10 - I know the POK will just laugh in my face and then I'll have to pull the massive veins out of my breasts and hang myself with them [madwoman face]

It'll just be my period coming and everything else will be random coincidental shit, like a weird variation of mastalgia and a jippy tum!

And then you'll all laugh at me and call me a menkul. As per usual

We won't call you a menkal at all - I admit that the brain is a very clever thing and can make symptoms out of nothing BUT surely it cannot make your bosoms all blue and veiney?!

(Feel I should now admit that pre-last-droid I was convinced boobs were more veiney - so much so that I had to get out of bed and go and check again. And found they weren't veiney at all)

So Scorps go and check them again and get TYF to check them too, just to make sure you are not looney. And then send TYF out to late night chemist and get some of those first response hpt kits that you can use 6 days early.

scorpy I say... wait.
(Yeah, yeah, horrified gasp from all of BESHiedom)
Yes, I know I'll prolly be cast out for suggesting this, but here's my reasoning: I was the first to declare that you are diffed (me have wise woman status now) AND when I got the BFP I waited until DPO14 before testing. Kind of a superstitious thing, and it worked. You cannot argue with this reasoning. Can you possibly make yourself busy for the next 4 days and pretend to forget about it?

Well SHE might be able to but I'm not sure the rest of us can

There's no point asking TYF! If I was substituted for Michael Clarke Duncan (the enormous black man-mountain from The Green Mile) it'd take TYF at least a week before he started suspecting something was amiss.

Gah we, all know it'll be the droid. Am going to sit here and fume at my own body.

The Ancient Crone Wise Woman of the village hath spoken and she says wait. Scorpette will wait. Has my hut of madness been prepared for me? I do not wish to infect the rest of the village with my insanity.

Thank you Wise Woman; thine words of wisdom are as a balm upon my fevered brow. Yea, my firstborn will hear of thy succour.

I think its too late for that Scorps. Any news this morning?

Morning BESHies

(Belatedly) on accents I am from Birmingham so I sound proper stoopid like. Well actually I'm usually told I don't sound brummie at all, although sometimes people can pick it out. I think I probably lapse into it more when I'm back or drunk (or even more so, both) and have one friend who likes to say I "make Beryl Reid sound like the queen"

Sounds promising Scorps - have you managed to hold your wee in still?!

It's Game Over. Proper red stuff and droid rumblings down below. Still sick as a dog with massive veiny zeppelins (even TYF agrees they're v veiny) and sense of smell gone mad. Apologies to FB group members, where I've said this on there.

But I can tell it's the droid. This is why I was so confused and crazy last night - how come am getting proper pg signs but droid is coming?

Am going to spend day sulking, feeling scared will never updiff and generally hating myself for being lazy and useless and baybeeless.

WeeWee - I now also imagine you with Noddy Holder sideburns. It's up to you, Extreme and Cosmo to diff this cycle now...

So sorry Scorps, I felt certain this was your month, it was all sounding so positive. Its so fucking annoying that the early updiff signs can be the same as droid symptoms - who the fuck designed that?

You are not useless, we BESHies heart you and you will make a baybee. I don't blame you for having a sulking day though, go for it. Have a quick knee in the groin while I cop a feel of those ginormous norks. Where is Cuntshine with the fish when you need her?

It's the sickness, though, that's doing my head in - it's a really weird sort of nausea. Must be a tummy bug or summat. And presume temp will drop tomorrow.

Thanks for your support, Pooface (and everyone else). I too felt it was my month, but ho well. So bored at thought of having to wait another 2 weeks to time things right again...

You know what I'm pretty pissed off about? Being the neurotic freak that I am, I didn't make anything chocolatey for my birthday, as was scared about caffeine (had a bit of vegan choc ice-cream, but c'mon!)! Can't normally eat that sorta thing, y'see, but make an exception for birthday. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am a twat. Being conscientious and well-prepared is clearly a shit way to TTC

Here, have this enormous bar of green and blacks orange choc on me. Perhaps next month we should try forgetting the folic acid, drinking gin until we puke and living on takeaways? Just an idea...

And you are not a twat - you care about yourself and the environment you are planning to grow a baybee in. That is not twatty. I Afraid I can't argue on the neurotic front though (although I can't claim to be any different!)

boo to eveil droid, Scorp

I can't have normal chocolate I can only eat no added sugar chocolate by Plamil (made with xylitol) or those raw choc brands like Om. I have just eaten a raw choc and acai bar to cheer myself up - YUM! (Am not a deluded hippy about the deliciousness - TYF is a chocoholic and when I have one, he hovers around me like a starving puppy, giving me the Di Eyes). I spent @£40 on raw chocolate in Infinity Foods in Brighton this summer

Just giving everyone a heads-up as to my Xmas pressies

Actually not had any more redness, but body is clearing in droid preparations. And I think today's obsession with chocolate just proves I'm about to come on

Ooh think I need to google this choc... I have found dark choc made with fructose on t'internet and it is ok if I am desperate, but I don't think your TYF would be desperate to get his mitts on it.

BOOO HIIISSSSSS to scorp's droid. I'm sorry mate. I wish I could say something encouraging that didn't sound cliched or massively patronising. So here's a head butt instead.

You can get Plamil no sugar added choc from good independent health food shops (but not Holland & Barrett) and Om bars from the same sorts of places too. Glad to be of help!

I eat unsweeteened carob (siesta brand) for a sweet snack. But I've always liked carob, even as a kid, and I know it can be an acquired taste for a lot of people. PS the Plamil carob is rank.

Just found a fab website called funky raw and they have LOADS of choc on there! And they do free delivery if you order more than £50