30s TTC - The BESH little gin palace in mumsnet

[idealcamel]

The bar is open and the ticking clock has been muffled for the duration...Come on in!

kim OK, crossed-wires - got you know and will put you through. I didn't recognise the name but know you've been around long enough to have real names.

it's so I can drop a butter dish on the first go standing up after my eggs float about for several years being fertile and then taunt you all with it, Scorpette!

Or you know, thanks, I really am in my 30s!

Ski sorry to hear about the RTOD , I've just had my fertility treatment cancelled for the month...what a drag, but as stated upthread, me and the Boyf will indiluge in illicit 'not sanctioned by the NHS' sex, and maybe have multiples, as I have got 5!!!! viable follicles ready to pop.

Should they all pop and updiff occurs, then we have decided, all things considered, we can cope with a maximum of two, so we will pick the brightest and most beautiful and auction the runts off in the palace to the highest bidder.

Dropping the butter dish was something I did age 7 - I saw it crash to the ground. A lovely German butter dish. Still etched in my memory - in slow-mo. It was, like, the worst thing I could have done at that age. (I clearly didn't get out much.)

chocho that is very generous of you. You must insist on cash bids though or ski will try to offer you her fancy new horsebox in exchange for one.

kimdeal This morning I actually went as far as opening the facefuck website! (This is a first for me.) I now need about ten shots to give me the courage to actually type something in and 'open a page' or whatever you kids call it these days. If I succeed in that, I'll come in search of the beshes.

Happy to take a runt cho ta. Am prepared to swap for a Jackapoo.

kim Imagine your parent's disappointment upon your breaking the butterdish. Teenage pregnancy was to be expected from there on in I'm sure!

Ponymum DOOOIT!

I'm afraid that animals and their related emphemera are not asseptabul tenders for one of our litter, but I am prepared to do swapsies for shiny baubles or magic beans.

chocho "asseptabul"? Are you Supernanny in RL?

Very perceptive, Meester Bond...you have found my true identity, though of course now I will have to Kill You...

Cho Oooh shiny baubles eh? Will you take baubles per oz?

Where are you in terms of fertility treatment? Are you paying or are the NHS taking you seriously?

Ponymum I'm very touched actually and I'd have loved to be in foal at the same time with you. Our little ones could've locked eyes over the fuzzy mane of a Shetland pony at Pony Club Camp.

I'm actually quite down and frustrated by it all. Only plus point at this stage is getting a ski holiday in Jan without guilt!

Skihorse I am being fully funded by the NHS, so take that, Daily Heil BESH-haters...you are all funding the INEVITABLE result of SELFISHLY waiting until I could afford somewhere to live, and had a willing victim to reproduce with, rather than immediately conceiving during the NANOSECOND between the age at which I would have been a FECKLESS SLAAAAG producing mewling, puking burdens on the state, and the age at which my eggs instantly WITHERED on the vine, thus making ME a burden on the state.

How long have you been at the TTC game?

ChoCho You've just made Paul Dacre sponteaneously combust. He couldn't decide whether BESH was worse than unmarried single mum in council accommodation.

I have been trying for 11 months with just one ickleangelbaby who smelled of glitter to show for it. I've got sex coming out of my ears dammit.

I'm supposed to go back to the doctor next month if I don't have anything where upon I expect to be fully (re)patronised by the fertility clinic and told I'm too fat to breed - as happened last time. After examining my diet they recommended the Dutch equivalent of lighter-life. I told them the last time I was at their required weight my hair fell out and I felt this was a bad omen as far as "sticky bean" was concerned. Cunts.

So I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do. Gear up for a row I think - I fail to see what the size of my arse has to do with whether jailbait's sperm is any good or not - yet the onus is on MY weight. Bonkers. If they won't test then I think we'll have to nip across the border and pay for tests. If preliminary tests show nothing then I think I'm going to have to hit up my parents for cash. "You want grandbaybee? You give cheque-ee." Dildocam revealed me to be ovulating and pg followed the next month and as ovaries alternate I know I'm firing off both and I have good short cycles and have done all my life... so I have no fucking idea what to do.

Hi Ski, Sorry about ickleangelbaby Rushes off to write inspirational haiku (Us lentil weavers don't just write 'poems')

Don't worry about the weight, didn't you know, you just need to relax and stop trying then you will instantly get upwardly duffed...it happened to my friend!

By the way, how do people feel about ickle baybees here? Despite over 3 dozen babyfails and 2 ickleangelbaybeesindeheaven, I'm not really a baybees person..aren't they just a bit tiring and boring and parasitic? Is there anywhere you can send them for the first year or so?

I am assuming there will be some hormones 'n' shit that will force me to dig the new motherhood...any experiences of this?

ChoCho The general consensus seems to be we haven't got a bloody clue - even those already in posession of one. Personally I adore the terrible twos - I don't get baybees - doesn't that sound awful? I like children in general, troubled teens a lot, baybees meh. I'm too old/fat/middle-class/professional/Scottish to adopt so I've turned to a toyboy to fulfill my fantasies. We have at least got childbirth cracked - sneezes and ickelbaybees arrive wrapped in soft, sweet-smelling towelling. It's all a bit Miranda & Steve: It's your turn not to kill the baybee.

Ski - thank you . I agree but I am biased, etc etc.

Cho Babies are TOUGH work, speaking as a mummy, but I still want another. It's worth keeping on at it. THat's my feeling.

Ponymum Horsebox? That's not a horsebox. Now that's a horsebox

And guess who made the windows. Go on, guess.

Cho that came across as unintentionally patronising as opposed to quick reply. Please don't take it that way.

Can't write now but basically, me=no maternal feelings, didn'tlike babies, etc etc. DS planned n all, completely, but went with ticking clock drive as opposed to knowing what I was doing. Hormones DID kick in and it was all fine. If tough, but then exH was an utter dick so I had that to deal with as well.

I think I have booze on the brain; I just misread this thread title, I am sure you can guess how!

" How do i know if a DC is G & T? "

No worries carrots, at least you did not start the sentence with you can never understand until you have your own...

Anyway, we do have every intention of carrying on. The Boyf has bags of energy, and he is very well housetrained, so I expect him to do most of the baby work that doesn't directly involve breasts!

ChoCho, your MN name saaahnds forrin and you're a BESH getting babies off the state - somewhere a Daily Mail-reading fairy has just died. Incidentally, which Angel is guiding you through your miracle journey? And can you look in your big guide to 'Knowing Your Angels' for me to tell me who mine is? You could start your own version of those 'Postal Gold' ads on daytime telly - Postal Baybee Gold': "Just send me your old gold and if it costs enough, you get one of my rejected foetuses'.

Ski, you are NOT fat. I have seen pics of you and whilst it's true that you ain't getting in a pair of size 8 hotpants any time soon (then again, who is? Except gin, grr) you are completely normal (and shapely with it ). Your bad luck is to live in the NL where nearly every fucker is thin and Drs consider anyone too body-conscious to not sunbathe topless in public parks* a reet chubber. Your bad for not cycling and climbing 57 flights of insane stairs to get to your home every day like the rest of the nation. Besides, I read one of my Gran's dreadful mags earlier (possibly 'Take A Break') and there was a story about a woman who was size 24 and started having agonising stomach pains one day and thought it was because she'd eaten TWO family buckets the night before instead of her usual one but when she went to hospital she was in labour. So if she can do it, anyone can (mind you, she was 24. Hmmmph).

I want an ickle baybee, but this is based entirely on rose-tinted daydreams about snuggling a sleepy infant to my bosom and looking like a beatific earth mother, brimming over with smug love. I am ignoring the fact that in reality, that scenario would include me being 4 stone overweight, hysterical with tiredness, weeping, sat on a rubber ring, cabbage in my bra to heal the tits of agony and wearing the same pyjamas I'd had on for a week with puke, shit and piss all over me. And that's not including the baybee's.

Boom! Boom!

I had a jolly good time on my gripping day out. I got the new Steig Larsson from the library (W00t! And it was brand new, so I'm the first ever to crack open that book) and TCOYF - because there can never be enough patronisation, confusion and disappointment in a BESH's life.

Also got Booja Booja ice cream for my birthday. Elasticated waists here I come!

*Well, they do in the Vondelpark. Purely coincidentally, TYF loves to cycle there in the summer...

By 'family buckets', I meant KFC family buckets. I wasn't suggesting she was munching on plastic receptacles. Although Pica that extreme might be a clue to a dropped butter dish.

But I'm TALL, dammit!

ChoCho glad to hear I'm not the only one in here who has been trying for a while - I think scorp traced my ttc history back to 1853. Yep, that's about right.

Cho I wouldn't worry about not feeling maternal. I never wanted children - even asked the dr to sterilise me when I was about 23.

At 34 suddenly the clock started ticking VERY loudly, but strangely I wasn't feeling 'i want a icklebaybee'. It was more 'I NEED to be pregnant. NOW!' I can honestly say I gave no thought to post-labour, so arriving home with a newbie was a fucking huge shock to the system, but we soon settled into it.

I just can't wait to do it all again. Don't know why this time its taking soooo long. I suppose it is my dried up old womb and dessicated eggs.

polly I feel as you describe - I need to get pregnant. Beyond that I have had purely practical thoughts like childcare, pushchairs, cots, names. Very logical rather than emotional and not actually dreaming 24/7 of having baybee by my bosom. Despite all the waiting and trying, I expect getting pregnant* and having to handle an actual licklebaybee will be a huge shock!

*when, if, how...

I'm just the opposite, I can only imagine what it will be like to have the buudge in the house, teach it, train it and cry at it... but I cannot imagine actually being updiffed, at all. I try to force myself, then it's immediately expelled from my skull.