Mid 30s TTC - Simply The BESH... BESHer than all the rest!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, ladies. I've had a widescreen telly installed and there's a big cupboard full of 80s teen movies if anyone's interested. New and more secure cages for our prey are being delivered soon. There's a big picture of a desert over the bar, a loudly ticking clock in the corner and bowls of raisins, currants and sultanas on every table; everything the discerning BESH could ask for...

Braaaaahn Bits Watch Day 7: still braaaahn bits, even less than before. One single, tiny blood smear. POAS neg. FFS.

Manflu Day 3: 2 1/2 hours sleep. Urrrrrrgh.

gin, I sometimes get moody an' ting around OV and my boss is a nightmare - she doesn't get PMT but she's a bitchwhore from hell when she's OVing.

You count the first day of your period as Day 1, that's what I've always been told; your system would make it D2, which doesn't make sense. But I think the main thing is that it's time to get some sweet monkey lovin' for you and DH

PS It's certain that Mani will become an accountant with a love of MOR and change his name to Brian

VAGikins - how are you today?

Scorps Are you peeing on cheapie sticks or proper ones with a wrapper and everyfink? I have two theories:

i) Your LP is longer than you were calculating it to be this month.
ii) When you broke TYF's cock he sprayed your insides with cock-blood and because you spent so much time on your back with a cushion under your bum it's finally leaking out.

Scorpette - try one of those stupidly expensive tests that either shout NOT PREGNANT, YOU NEUROTIC FREAK at you or tell you that you are pregnant and how many weeks. They can detect lower levels of pregnancy hormone so if you are updiffed but your body isn't producing loads of the hcg hormones it will still show up.

Scorpy - I can join ya in the non-existent period (and inexplicably sharing it with the world....) I had one day of half hearted period then nuttin, so am wondering what's going on. I think long flights might mess with ladytimers so am putting it down to that - don't feel a need to POAS as this was The Month Of Food Poisoning so it can't be owt to do with that. I agree with whoever said its our ladybits enjoying the attention and showing off/acting up

Hmmm, thinking about it, maybe our ladybits have realised their behaviours are being shared with the world and so are taking the piss out of us to see exactly how much info we'll share with whoever cares to read it...

Scorpette Are you counting your coppers to go down to superdrug?

beshie I didn't think that was actually the case with the clearblue digitals? I don't think they are actually as sensitive as some of the others,their popularity comes more from the fact there is no squinting n going 'is there?isn't there??'

scorp yeah I realised I'd put day 2,meant day 1,can't type. And there was nothing for you to perv over last night,am just too fucking tired. Am hoping our earlier hot monkey lovin will have done the trick as I am almost certainly coming down with something and am not feeling amorous.

Another ttc question (shock) I assume that after you ov you get another day or so of ffj? Just cos I'm hoping I've ov'd already y'see,for the reasons mentioned above. I feel lousy.

ginhag - the digital one gave me a positive when other tests gave me a negative result

Ladies, your theories are genius. What do these Drs and specialists know? Well, if your my Dr, not v much. I decided to ask for a call (you have to chat with em before they'll give you an appointment) because I know there's summat weird going on with my Ov and droid. You can't ask for a particular Dr to ring and I unfortunately got the one who's a bad-tempered, useless cow. She told me that I can't be Oving on D19-22 of a 28 day cycle as 'everyone' has 14 days between ovulation and their period starting. Apparently it's physically impossible to ov after D14 if you have a 28 day cycle. Stupid cow! Then she told me that my braaaaahn bits were also impossible. I feel like going over there and wiing myself in front of her and showing her the evidence. Anyway, she said sh's have to talk to another Dr then would ring me back in 5 mins. That was 8.55am

I love ski's idea that it's cock-blood working its way out. I'm having TYF's manstruation instead of my menstruation. Beshie, I can't afford the costly tests. The ones I have are FDA-aroved ones off eBay and are the ones the NHS use, apparently. And they're 'high sensitivity', too. I did a test a bit ago, but I forgot to go check it for nearly an hour (cold-flu has made me forgetful) and it said 'results will fade after 30 minutes'. I thought I could see the vaguest hint of a 2nd line, but then again, I have shit eyesight and am mad. Seeing as a late Ov generally means a shit quality egg and I've got a shocker of a cold, I dread to think how mangled any actual cell-bundle might be.

Weeweesmell - one day of rubbish bleeding you say? IMPLANTATION BLEED-TASTIC! Food poisoning is always a good route to ironic updiff. I think you are right in that our lady parts are rebelling against us slandering and discussing them all over the web. Perhaps we should turn the place into a hippy commune where we sit naked and complement each others' fanjos and 'honour the goddess within'. Or some such shit.

BTW gin - me and TYF were looking for cards on Saturday and I was showing him loads of Urban Graphics ones, going 'Look! This is my friend's company!!!'. He was genuinely impressed, as they are so bloody cool. Unfortunately, we didn't buy one of yours cos we needed a 90th b-day card for my Gran and none of yours covered that.

PS don't worry - I'll just keep spying on you and Mr Gin until I do see something worth watching And I get several days of special love juice after the Chucky Egg, be assured.
PPS I am allowed to call you my friend, aren't I?

Bessie How are you feeling today? Do you want to get bundled like VAG was yesterday?

I'm always gabbing to jailbait about you lot - he thinks I'm mad obviously. But I do find you all a huge source of inspiration and support. I don't have too many female friends - none of whom are going through an intense breeding programme right now anyway.

I've just adopted a bipolar older lady though. She goes to Jujitsu classes.

Scorpette Your doctor sounds BRILLIANT! I wonder if she's got any weight-loss advice for me? E.g., "Have you considered not having a fry-up for breakfast every day? hmmmn, I suppose you eat a lot of chips don't you?"

General besh love in!!! Yay!! I would be lost without you lot at the moment [saddo emoticon]

scorp course you can call yourself my friend,ya mad bint. And sorry we didn't do a card to suit your gran!

I proudly told mr gin last night that I have friends called cunty and vag. Obviously this impressed him greatly.

Fucking hell don't even know if ov'd yet and I've gone all 2WOOFLy already. Thought I was gonna stop this arsing obsessive malarky??? And I feel quite unwell.

Skihorse - thanks for the offer, I am feeling quite bad tempered today and a bundle might help.

Hag - I didn't realise yours were the urban graphics cards, I have bought the scrawl ones before.

Ski, this is the same Dr who ripped my vein when taking blood, because she sneezed when inserting the cannula and who told me that 'wowee, you have a lot of stretchmarks for someone who's never had children' when I was getting a smear a few years back. I can never forget the 'wowee'. And yes, she did ask me earlier if me and TYF were having sex 'properly' when TTC. I said yes, he rubs his winkie against my tummybutton and then we pray to Teh Baybee Jebus for a child. Okay, I didn't, but I wanted to.

Her advice for Chronic Fatigue? Try not to slump in your chair. Genius.

I heart you lot too. Last night, TYF said (nicely) 'you're always on that Mumsnet thing!' and I told him about how ace you lot are and how waffling on here really helps when you're baby-fretting

gin, my friend , I'm impressed by you TWOOFLing potentially before you've even ovulated. That takes a special type of BESHery

I'm going to make Gran a card (I likes all sort of craft malarky), just TYF needed one for her. For all other occasions, I will stick with Urban Graphic - the best card and gifts company in the UK! (That'll be £75 for the plug, ta)

God, we're all always on that Mumsnet thing. I (briefly) made my techhie husband ban the site at home because I was getting too obsessed. But then I realised it's all too late for that.

scorp You and I were indeed on a bicycle made for two. Luckily I have now finished the major bleediness - having said that, I'm still spotting and I have to go for dildocam tonight. If they don't just send me away, I imagine that it will all get a bit messy. Eurk.

BUNDLE! To cheer Bessie up!

Also, I note that our prey have been silent recently, even when Mitchell got his togs off. VAG Have you remembered to feed them?

Ta beshie.hope the besh bundle is lifting your mood?

scorp that's luvverly that is (am ignoring the request for cash) but we int actually a gift company... You might have looked at our online shop,we got stuff produced by other companies on there?

Another ffj question!!! So when ya get it does that most likely mean a) you are about to ov in a few days or b) you are actually ov ing??? And how exactly did I manage to make a person last time with no knowledge of pant snot?

Basically I just want someone to tell me I ov'd,we shagged at exactly the right time and thus I am now pregnant.

I would also like to say that I have never ever 'got involved' with an internet thread and certainly haven't got all fuzzy about any online people in this way. Snogs all round - mmmmwah!

By the way VAG and I had loads of fun withud wrestling/bolly. Anyone else want to join?

Lunchtime boys!

gin You ov'd, you shagged at exactly the right time, and through the magic power of the internet I can tell you that...

Well, really, who knows whether or not you're pregnant yet? Suffer through the 2WOOFL! It is all our densities.

VAG Is that a proper lunch? Hmm? Where are the vegetables...oh, oh, I see. Probably shouldn't have asked really.

ginhag Why don't you POAS now? According to our Hawaiian friend it's not considered freaky, stoopid or ludicrous to POAS minutes after an OV-shag or even before said shag!

In answer to the pant snot thing, fertility friend says:

Your chances of conception are best when you have intercourse just before ovulation and/or the day of ovulation. Your cervical fluid is thus one of your best signs to indicate when to start having baby making intercourse since it offers a sign that ovulation is approaching.

You should begin to have frequent intercourse (at least every other day if there are no known sperm issues) from the time you first see fertile cervical fluid. If you do not observe fertile cervical fluid for several days, start having intercourse even before you see it. Ideally, you want to have healthy sperm waiting in fertile cervical fluid when your egg is released.

The phrase 'pant snot' has just made me actually retch.

camel. am not interested in actual facts otherwise I would obv have started a 'i had sex,am I pg???' thread.

Just some lies would be fine.

Well, I've got plenty of FFJ, gin, after watching you and VAG wrestling

FFJ happens for me when I'm exactly ovulating. I also feel as horny as teenage boy and have loads of energy and am upbeat and think I look good (so clearly a time of great insanity). If it's a strong Ov, I can feel it tailing off and I still get some, but less, FFJ for the day after. I've been worried lately, because I've not been pant-ruiningly wet with FFJ like I used to when Oving in the past, but 'checking inside' shows that there's plenty where it counts.

Well, talking discharges n shiz, I gots nuffink now. Just one little 'meh' first thing, like the end of a droid and now nothing. I defo OVed, so if I'm not pg, I have to have a period at some stage, don't I?! Could I be one of those women who have a type of period for the first few months (like my Gran)? And yet tests say 'babyfail'. I fashioned them out of an old envelope and some red pen, but they STILL don't give me a BFP I'm actually starting to wonder now if I am updiffed but it's too early to test or my hormone levels are too slight to be caught or whatever (is that the same thing?). Can you all imagine the stress of getting a bit of 'weird discharge' but no bleeding or full droid but also getting BFN? Camel*, did you get some bleeding at the end of your 'weird period'?

*Who would've ever believed even a few years ago we'd be discussing our pantysnot with others online and be eager to read about theirs too?