Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

[extremesitting]

OOOh - Hope this'll do! Emergency!

I do have a tilted cervix.

I don't have a period.

Neither do I have time to catch up on today's musings - sorry!

Oh go on then, I'll have a quick one before the parents get here [pours double vodka. straight and downs] Cheers girls, I may return at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning.

Aaaaaagghhhhhh I am sooooo fist-eatingly bored and have nothing of interest to say - 'cept I have been told a few times (by nurses) that I have a very nice cervix This clearly does me no favours in the TTC department though - it's just that I've had a few glasses of airport wine and, erm, it seemed like a suitable thing to mention, and, ermm

oooh, really? I'm in? I love you all even more now (especially you Scorps; am honoured to have your first born named after me).

So, I am just back from food shopping (in my Breeders limo etc): wine, flat leaf parsley and wine. And a box of chocolates (is a gift, OK).

I don't think I'm taking any of this seriously enough.

Secret crush of shame: a few too many (may be lesbo) ...that woman off Transvision Vamp, for starters. Walls: cream goddamit. Are there some other questions? Vaginal discharge and the like. Spent 20s living off coffee, cigarettes and vodka. Think ovaries are stewed.

Right, here comes my man, must go.

kimdeal Yes, how many cats do you have and what's your cervix like? Is your sperm-donor sitting his GCSEs next summer or will he be in receipt of his pension?

20s? that's a given - although strictly speaking alcohol is a preservative so well done for keeping an eye on your eggs.

kimdeal
What is your poison alcoholic cocktail of choice?
Do you know what a luteal phase is?
Is the correct hole (a) Fifi Fufu, (b) Mr Hanky's House, (c) other?
Are you prepared to say Cunty Cunt cunt?

Ski I don't own any cats - I kill my house plants, so clearly can't be trusted with real moving animals.

Sucker for dogs though.

Talking of, the sperm-donar has just got his pension. And a pair of reading glasses, bought, I think, from a newsagent's (think he thinks he's Michael Caine off Alfie, or summat).

Thank you, however, for commending my good use of alcohol. I (we) have already drunk much of that bought at 7pm today. Still, at least I'm home. Now there's a healthy development from my younger days as a Pixie.

Ponymum my cocktail of choice... hmmm... aside from Mr Deal's, a Kir Royale.

I have little clue what a Lutal Phase is. Something to do with the moon perhaps?

Correct hole is my cunty cunt. Right, do I win a baybee?

You even know the correct hole! You will most likely avoid months of pointless pillow biting and get updiffed straight away.

More questions:

Do you ever wash your fifi fufu?
Have you ever drawn an extra red line onto a pg test with biro?
Do you hate sci-fi robots (ie the dreaded period)?
How big are your judgeypants and what really gets them twitching?
Does Kelly ever get jealous that you're more famous than her?

And so on.

Longwee - last time I had smear/pickaxe to cervix, the nurse told me I had a pretty cervix and it looked a 'fertile' one. How can a cervix look 'fertile'? Still, I shall cling to her bullsheeeet in a sea of ov/2woofl madness.
PS - fisting is not advised: not as high a chance of conceiving as SWIing and nobody wants a bucket fanny.

Really? So you think I'm doing the right thing? result!

Oh god ...suddenly projecting life forward...

Maybe drinking white wine and pissing about on the internet is not a bit of an easier deal.

OK, so this is my problem. Utter bleedin fear of the unknown, fear of turning into one of those hideous mummy types, and fear that my body is fucked.

Yes, I spent my teens and 20s eating air (and drinking vodka). And I entirely blame the Daily Mail for that.

Scorpette sorry for crosspost, I was overwhelmed by Pony's comments. Um, um: I do wash, yes! twice a day, but with Molton Brown goodies that probably kill all PH balances.

I've only actually done two pg tests (I only really had any delusions last month). But I have my biro ready for this month.

Judgeypants are maaasive, and have been for the past 20 years. I particularly enjoy wearing them for my condescending sister, who has four naughty feral childlets. I'm not talking about Kelly here, BTW - we just like hanging out and singing.

Am very glad to hear of your cervix. Next month sister. OK, think I have crush on Scorps now.

Dogman has just left flat to get more wine.

Oh, Daily Mail is to blame for everything!!

longwee My spermdonor DH has been to Nairobi airport. I asked him what it was like. (He was NOT in a swanky lounge.) He thought for a moment and said, Do you remember that day we spent waiting in the queue at the Leeds DVLA?

Hope your evening is much nicer!

WOOHOO, I've pulled! Your sexy cervix works every time, Scorpsy You can click on my name to see my absurdly long profile and click through to a pic of me dressed in an everyday fashion (cervix not shown, sorry)...

Ladies, let us console ourselves that we haven't got THIS bad (yet):
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/11/women-who-murder-for-babies

Pony - do you mean that everyone who works at Nairobi airport is called Barry and has a impenetrable Northern accent? Odd.

Scorps is that picture really you?? (Far too much wine, so I can't do no clear thunkin'.) If it is, then I clearly have an excellent taste in women.

Fight ya for Joey Ramone though.

scorp I think it's more like... you thought you had a life outside of this room? You are wrong. You are in the room of doooom.

You made me check your profile . Did you ever join in that faux-intellectual thread debating the realtive merits of Morrissey lyrics vs Betjeman/Larkin poetry?

Pony Dogman has bouught three (count 'em) bottles of red wine. Come and drink them with me. He's currently in the shower

But whaddyamean faux-intellectual? girlfriend, coma. Actually, I went off Mozza for 15 years, that's how miserable old I am.

kimmy why is he in the shower? You know it's you s'posed to be washing your undercarriage, you dirty thing.

And please, did I miss something? Dogman? You have to do it with a humanman or it doesn't work. Jeesh, diagnosing your infertility' probs is easy. Next!

pin and mount me, like a butterfly...

We need to write into the Daily Heil's Agony Aunt (do they have such a thing? Is it Magda Goebbels?):

Dear Frau Goebbels, my husband and I have been trying for a baby for a while now. I decided not to have children till my mid-late 30s as I am a selfish career woman. My husband is a dog... well, a puppy, really, as he's very young. We do it once a year, in the arse, and to maximise my chances, I haven't washed since 1997. My cervix looks like a banana and I drink 2 litres of gin a day, as I don't like the taste of water/reality. Also, I think I may have accidentally tattooed myself drawing big veins on my tits with a bic biro.

Where am I going wrong?

For those who don't know, Magda Goebbels murdered their 6 children in Hitler's bunker rather than have them live in a world without Nazism (then she and Goebbels committed suicide. Or he killed them both. Whatever). Nice.

I have the same birthday as Goebbels himself. Double nice.

Dear Scorpette,

Here, take one of these little pills and pop it under your tongue while I check on Eva.

All will be well.

Magda

PS Dogman cos you got me onto the topic of cats and then dogs and then him, and isa clearly drunk too much. It is quite a fitting description of him, though: an old dog with Michael Caine glasses.

This pill tastes a bit funny... PHOOOEEY! Phew, not cyanide. Hey, what's this.... Oh dear. You don't put vaginal pessaries in your MOUTH, Kim/Magda - think that's where you've been going wrong

Mr Deal? mercedesrules.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/dog-with-glasses.jpg

I actually had tears streaming down my cheeks for this one : "Correct hole is my cunty cunt. Right, do I win a baybee?" kimdeal if that comment alone doesn't win you a baybee I don't know what - although I did want to say, you think you know which hole you're doing it in - but can I ask (as per the fertility clinic), i) Have either of you ever been sterilised?, ii) are you using contraception? and finally iii) does he ejaculate in the vagina? Ha! thought you were so clever didn't you? ner ner de ner ner

crones Check out the barista thread on AIBU. I think when I do get pregnant I'm going to incite rage amongst middle-England. I may even take up pate just for fun.

Ski I have just seen your other thread in the tack room. Brilliant plan! is your thinking that if you spend thousands of euros on affiliation, training, etc, then it would be a disaster if you got updiffed after all? If so it's a great plan. My one successful updiffment ocurred after a long period of ttc, then a 'oh, what the hell' moment of madness which saw me spend damn near £6000 on.... a british eventer!! I had great plans for competing, etc etc. Two months later I was updiffed with a very expensive horse on my hands. Therefore it's a scientifically proven method.

Ladies, I feel duty-bound to report that there is a Valentine's Day 1975 reprint of JACKIE mag free with today's Guardian! Like, OMG! It is totally mint, ace and groovy. TYF has been weeping with laughter at how everything in it is about becoming a secretary and/or getting a boyfriend. I then reminded him that when I was at school, girls weren't allowed to do Computer Science GCSE and that when we had careers advice, the advisor used to ask, 'So, what would you like to do before you get married and have children?'.

I've had neither a career nor children, so I feel that we both lost there

Ski, am loving your cunning plan to spend loadsamoney on horseyness, thus guaranteeing imminent updiffication. I really want to lose weight but have not been very stringent as am worried dieting would either stop me ovulating or prevent fertilisation or stop it implanting or make it fall out. My usual worries about everything, basically. Should I embark on said diet ASAP? Nothing like telling your body you want to get thin to make it try and guarantee fatness via pregnancy, surely? Hmm, i think I may have fretted about this last month. Lazy fat BESH that I am

I can't believe that as well as washing and putting it the right hole, TYD has to ejaculate inside me as well! Why has no-one told me this before? So are you saying that when he pretended to have sex with my head as I was reading, earlier (it really cricked my neck, oww), that can't updiff me?

Small case 'i'? 'TYD'? My standards are truly slipping.