Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

[extremesitting]

OOOh - Hope this'll do! Emergency!

cosmo take heart, I've been doing temps (currently on month 3) & my dots are all over the fucking place. Absolutely no pattern whatsoever (unless "random" counts).

So I was really nervous having my D21 bloods, fully prepared for GP to laugh. Instead I scored progesterone level of 54 (whatever that means!!). But GP said it showed ovulation, & that anything over 30 was a good score.

We're still managing to have sex throughout the month, but I am wondering if we should be saving it & having a concentrated campaign around ovulation. I promised myself I wouldn't go down that route though............ (also promised myself it wouldn't take over my life, oops, another failure )

Laurielou that makes me feel better

ps my doc said the current advice from fertility clinics was not to time shagging with ovulation but just to do it 3 times a week.

Hello all and congratulations to bessie - see told ya we could get your hopes up a bit longer... I think we're averaging one diff per thread here so glad we've managed to knock another one out in time...

Well I'm in transit on the way to the UK - only 8 hours to wait at Nairobi airport until the next leg.... However fortunately fella is a frequent flyer so we get to go in the swanky lounge with all its free booze and internet access So please don't all fuck off out tonight to do anything interesting as I am stuck here till nearly midnight... yawn...

Is our shipment of orphans safely packed wee?

Yup - if you hear of someone being arrested at heathrow tomorrow morning then you might wanna lock your doors as I'll have given the authorities your details...

Places row of kick-arse Bloody Marys on the bar.

To add to the list of inspiration torture: my sis now has six children. The most recent one at age 42. My mum says, "oh you're not like your sister - they just fall out of her!"

scorp I am trying the temperature thing for the first time this month. I have a new book (clever me, I can read). It is big and looks very official. Apparently there are three signs of Ov: temperature rise, ewcm, and position of cervix (soft, high and open). I am not sure about all this, and a bit scared tbh. The temperature rise happens about a day AFTER you have ov'd, so it is too late to be any use the first month. Apparently you use it to get an idea of your luteal phase length so you know what to expect next month, or something.

I think my approach this month is to pay more attention to my (ahem) cervical fluid. When there is gloopy egg white stuff flooding my knickers I'll tie DH to the bed and get what I need. That's the theory. But I also support the do it every 3 days anyway, but just make sure you also do it on the day when you are most 'wet'.

I don't know yet whether I can do the cervix thing. Am I weird in that I have never felt my own cervix? Does everyone else do this all the time? Also, lots of fussy nurse types have told me over the years that I have an unusual fufu. Apparently it is long and narrow and bent at the top. They always have to rush off to get the extra-long speculum from the back of the cupboard because they can't find my cervix. So how am I supposed to do this myself? And without specialist tools?!

The book also says (peering over black rimmed glasses)(really) that if your partner's spunk is normal you can SWI as often as you like. The only reason you would hold off waiting for the exact day of ov is if he has SN sperm. But I suppose if I read another book it would say something different again, innit?

I am proud to say I would not recognise my cervix if it introduced me to itself in Waitrose.

right beshes, have lovely weekends all. I'm off to stay with a friend in Cheltenham. Sees ya all Monday.

Grrls: you are gorgeous. Me: I am ancient, not entirely sure about baybees (in denial?), but have been off pill for a few (OK five) months. Completely convinced self was pg last month ? I mean, I had ALL the symptoms, and I swear I wasn?t pinching my boobs. Have been drinking heavily ever since discovery that any idea of pg was all completely delusional. Still, am taking my folic acid.
Can I join, or sd I kick myself out?

kimdeal You can totally join! You're one of my favourite bassists.

Plus - drinking heavily is the only rational response to the discovery that you're not pregnant.

Somewhere there's a list of qs you're supposed to answer - colour of walls, number of cats, secret lesbian crush, crush of shame and I think there are a few others...

Re: cervix. I am on close, personal and intimate terms with mine, these days.

Oh and new advice from my lovely GP, who has commissioned all sorts of tests for me:

alternate between putting a pillow under your arse and under your tummy after sex (on different occasions, not turning yourself into a bizarre spinning top) as people have differently-tilted wombs.

if you know you're going to have sex, wash your bits; makes it close to ph neutral which is better for sperm survival.

cheers ponymum I too have been subjected to the very same special long (for awkward to reach places) special implements from the back of the cupboard, and my nurse said its quite common apparently to have a 'tilted' cervix. Obviously the smug cow was lying to make me feel better. She must have seen the look of pure terror on my face.
longwait can you smuggle a tiny one out for me purleeease? I'm out on the tiles tonight, which is totally unacceptable as I'm awaiting RTD2 next week, but what the hell, if I get totally pissed I should get up-diffed right?
Serious TTC question alert is there a decent book i can read about all this malarkey?
I'm now off to face my up-diffed neighbour. I might suggest she moves house, to a nicer neighbourhood with better schools

Are you really the Kim Deal? But your band is called The Breeders. Isn't that a bit inaccurate, given your desperate stumble into this palace of last chance-laden doom?

I hope you are swallowing the folic acid with a Bloody Mary.

Afternoon, lushes!

I haven't deserted the palace, honest - just haven't had time to pop in quite so much now my baby substitute (new puppy!) is taking up all my waking hours. Honestly, is as good if not better than a sprog: he only poos three times a day and does it where i tell him, he sleeps a lot, doesn't cry and has enormous big paws that he puts on my face. Aw. Puppy snoring away next to me.

I also feel a bit of a TTC fraud next to all your heroic efforts, since DH and I have more or less given up, and I've let my Fertility Friend membership lapse. 18 months is long enough to fail at anything, I reckon. The Thermometer of Doom is now gathering dust in my packing cases, along with my unused OV sticks and folic acid. Feel loads better though. It was taking the most horrible toll not just on our relationship but on my mental health, all that 'amIamIamIamI?' and then 'ohnoooooooimabarrencowanditsmyfaultforhavingacareerandsneeringatMiniBodencatalogues' every month. Alas, I don't have a teen stud muffin ever ready to service me at the key moments, just my longterm slightly older man, and the pressure was getting to him too. Despite me doing all manner of tests, he still hasn't collected his spunk-in-a-cup kit from the surgery; the more I nudge him the more he convinces himself it's his fault we're not knee-deep in nappies, and I just can't do that 'neither of us feels like getting it on, but we have to' sex. So I thought it was best if we stopped trying, and let nature take its course. If nature wants us to be affluent barrens, then so be it. [eyes up white sofa and Alfa Romeo Spider]

ALSO - and I hope you're reading this, Mumsnet moderators - I was very spooked by the sudden cut'n'paste bits of Mumsnet appearing in the Daily Heil, and the potential 'collaborations'. I don't work for the Heil, but I am in that line of employ, and am probably quite easily identifiable to anyone who knows me, from what I've already posted. TCC is such an emotional headfuck, and being able to be open and honest with a barfull of strangermates is lovely and the sole heart-warming thing about it - but not if you're constantly on edge that select chunks of your experience might appear in an 'OMG I Left It Too Late!' hatchet job. Given that we're all over 30, articulate and not taking it too seriously, I got cold sweats thinking about what an easy feature it would be for some lazy hack and it would probably finish DH off to see our tribulations in print. I know it's a public board and all, and that there are warnings everywhere about how what you write is property of MN but still...

So, in short, I'm feeling a bit ambivalent: I'm still tormented that I might never hold my own baby in my arms. And I haven't been able to stop snapping at my mum and sister when they do their, 'ooh, new house... you never know!' routine. (Know WHAT, fgs? I'm shattered. DH is shattered. We talk mainly about our dogs' bowel movements and whether the windows need replacing. None of those things is conducive to rampant sex, which I understand is a contributory factor to pregnancy.) But, on the other hand, I'm clearly not fussed enough to start spiking DH's food with rohypnol and Chinese potency herbs.

So, no further on then... Will retire to the back of the palace near the fire, with a steak and ale pie.

Questions:

• Tilted which way though?
• Pillow where? So I'm not biting it then? So confused.
• Is my lack-of-up-diffedness due to dirty parts? Or is this another way to shame blame wimmin for everything?
• wildfig are you drinking real ale and growing a beard?

Answers:

• Big clever book him here.

Waves frantically at figgle! Helloooo!

Fuck the Daily Mail and all it represents. I think the whole debate has messed with the boards. Whenever I see "benefit" in a headline at the moment I assume it's a lazy hack trolling for outrage.

But in all seriousness, it sounds like you've reached a moment of calm. I'm quite envious - I'm made of counselling and tearful meltdowns at the moment, and looking forward to the bit when I get beyond that to some peace.

Off for glamorous cocktails now with a very glamorous friend who has NO SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER for the baby-desire. This will either be brilliant or end in tears.

Pony TCOYF makes me want to bite my own head off.

The GP used clever words re: womb tiltyness, but I have no idea what she meant. It's just to make gravity help the sperm get where it needs to be. If you're biting the pillow, btw, you're probably heading for the wrong hole, which could explain everything.

Oh, and when I told lovely GP that I was depressed about babyfail (lower lip wobbling like a mad person and everything) she literally said "Bof," (for she is French) "why do women always assume that they have the problem? Often it is the man's fault." This made me happy.

Well, have some sympathy for DH. I am amazed he can find the right hole at all if it is apparently so twisted, wonky and old.

Wish my GP saif "Bof!". Mine is beautiful, young, skinny, has a wardrobe I would kill for... and has a photo of two cute grinning kiddies on her bookshelf.

said

Bof!

Mexican wave to greet fig back from the wilderness...one, two, threeeeee! We missed you! Glad you are lurking a bit. How's the new house? I suspect we could all do with TCC down-time, it sounds most healthy.

I'm also "glad" to hear about the effect TCC is having on our relationships, as I can't seem to stop being horrid to TSF at the moment and I hate myself for it. It is nice to know this is a totally normal part of the TCC headfuck.

Oooooh Kimdeal! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! Kimdeal (one name) is the joky moniker for our future girl - TYF (my barely legal boyf) joked that if we have a son he wants to call him Dawkins after Richard Dawkins, his hero, to which I retorted that a future daughter therefore has to be called Kimdeal. Tell me, Kim, is your fella Gigantic? Do you have a big, big love for him Does it make me a Pixies-obsessed loon if I've told TYF that our future kids will be taught that the answer to the question 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' is 'I want to grow up to be, be a Debaser'???

*Longwee& - I am a saddo who never does owt on a Friday night (or any other night, come to think of it ), so I'll be here. Please take extra-special care of my girl twins (you got them for me, right?).

ideal - I have to WASH me flange as well as everything else? Getting it in the right hole, not biting the pillow and now this? FFS!

Figsy - are you a famous/semi-famous journo, then? I wanna know (I won't tell, honest) - please message me? Please? Oh and welcome back, yay!

Pony - Shall we temp-fail together? I read that book before we started TTC, and I was all blasé: 'yeah, ewcm, yeah, know all about that' and sent it back to the library. Think I'm going to get it out again and reread it. Was a bit at suggestion that women who don't have any/much FFJ can use actual egg white. "Congratulations - you have a baby AND vaginal Salmonella!" BTW again and at your mum's tactlessness. Couldn't your sister give you a couple? Sheesh, siblings are sooooo selfish!

Well, I was so overcome with SQUEE feelings when I had to walk through the children's clothes and shoes dept. in John Lewis to use the loo earlier, that I forgot to wipe the seat before I sat down! Luckily it was bone dry, but am worried I might have to hand back my Middle Class membership card...

Oh yes, how rude of me, welcome kimdeal! I'm not cool enough to know why everyone's going nuts about your name but I will quietly go off and google it and curse my unusual taste in music.

Have great weekends all, and safe flight longwee!

And can I have some sort of braincleanser to remove the thought of vaginal salmonella please? and any childbirth-related tales.

VAG, you've let the side down, and more importantly, you've let yourself down. You are hereby banned from all alcohol until you have thoroughly researched Kim Deal

Evening all . I had enough of that lark so went to the stables instead - madame had an enormous dose of hormones but I stood in front of her, hands on hips and had a "chat". She backed down, even though she is 700kg+ - therefore slightly fatter than me.

Biting the pillow indeed - for the love of God - we're in our 30s - get it right! Although this probably does go a long way to explaining how we're all so brilliant yet barren.

Welcome Kimdeal. Wildfig I'm taking this lark very seriously I'llhaveyouknow. But I do somewhat share your fears - especially as I outed myself a few threads back, although thankfully not being in the UK I can stick two fingers up. As for your barreness - it ain't over 'til it's over.