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Original poster

Is 39-40 too old for kids?

95 replies

Monzo235 · 15/10/2025 11:35

Hi. So I’m a man and don’t know much about this. I’m also 29.

I’ve been dating a 36 year old woman who turns 37 in December for the last 3 months. I’ve been quite concerned about timelines. Up
till now I’ve not even thought that much about kids. It’s something I know I wanted at some point but never considered it that hard. But as she’s 36. I feel pressure to get moving now.

She doesn’t seem as worried about timelines as I do. She says if we get more serious and she’s decided I’d be someone she wants kids with, we could look at freezing eggs. But she doesn’t want to seriously discuss that yet as it’s too early

thing is, I could see this going that far if everything aligns. IF.

But I’m having a lot of anxiety that we will get that far. Then she can’t have them because she’s too old. Which would be a disaster because honestly I’d have to leave her. And I actually think I’d feel quite angry if we got that far and she hadn’t taken it seriously enough, and now I’m stuck having to break my own heart and hers to go after something else, in my early 30s. When I’d worry about dating.

im worried she isn’t taking this seriously enough. I don’t want to end up in an incredibly emotionally tough spot.

can anyone chat to me about this? This is a really hard position for me and I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 15/10/2025 12:29

Seelybee · 15/10/2025 12:19

@Monzo235 Assuming this is real, you can't have the penny and the bun.
If children are the most important thing to you, don't date an older woman who will inevitably have fewer years for this to be a possibility given that you're not ready yet. And don't waste any more time on ifs or maybes.
It's simple.

Show quote history

This. You don't want children now. You have many more years to wait. You want to travel abroad. She is 36. Time is moving on for her. There is no point in a 36 year old woman freezing her eggs. The chances of those eggs defrosting successfully, being fertilised and then implanting successfully are vanishingly small. If she isn't seriously considering children now then the chances are that she doesn't really want them ( absolutely fine. Absolutely her decision ). You may not be fertile anyway. The longer she waits the lower the chances she will get pregnant and have a live birth. If children are hugely important to you but only a ' might be nice one day, maybe' to her then you are not compatible.

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 15/10/2025 12:30

MummyNeedsCoffee1 · 15/10/2025 12:22

It’s not unreasonable to think about this, if a woman asks these questions early before wasting years on a relationship, she doesn’t get such a hard time (quite the opposite actually, it’s called sensible then).

It's not unreasonable to think about it all. Agree that it's sensible.

It is unreasonable to make multiple posts about the exact same thing and reject everyone's advice. Every thread is the same.

Everyone: "break up with her"

OP: "I don't want to though"

Everyone: "Accept that you may not be able to have kids with her then."

OP: "but I really want kids"

Everyone: "You should break up with her then"

OP: "but I don't want to"

And round and round and round.

He's looking for a magical answer that doesn't exist.

tiresomee · 15/10/2025 12:31

Before anyone wastes their time. The OP is posting about this continuously and really isn’t interested in anything anyone has to say.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5412653-struggling-with-the-thought-of-long-term-commitment-to-her?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Kindlealltheway · 15/10/2025 12:57

It’s ok to care about this OP. And it’s ok to like someone, be attracted to them and still break up because your long term goals aren’t compatible.
You want someone for whom having their own biological+genetic children in the next 2-5 years is a priority.
Yes, as past posters say, you could meet someone ten years younger than your current girlfriend and then find out in two years time that you or she are infertile, but don’t borrow trouble. You are currently dating a women who doesn’t want kids in the very near future and who is unsure about the midterm (2-5 years) and for whom conception is unlikely to be possible in the more distant future (in 10 years time). You are not compatible. Neither of you in wrong in your what you would like for your future. You’re just incompatible. So break it off and find someone who’s life goals are a closer fit for your own.

SkipAd · 15/10/2025 13:06

PLEASE NOTE OTHER THREADS ABOUT THE SAME LINKED ABOVE.

Many of us have replied before and he doesn’t listen to anything

DoYouReally · 15/10/2025 13:09

I believe that 5 threads on a 3 month relationship means the relationship isn't working.

She doesn't mind if she doesn't have children.

You absolutely want them.

That's incompatibility.

AltitudeCheck · 15/10/2025 13:22

Your dating prospects won't change massively in the next 1-2 years. You can afford to give this new relationship a little time to develop. Three months is far too soon to know if you are even compatible as a couple, let alone potential parents and life partners.

You can't predict her fertility (or yours) over the next 5-10 years any more than you can predict if/ when you (or her) will feel ready to have children. That's life! Accept the things you can't control.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/10/2025 14:03

Children are not a “non negotiable” that you are entitled to OP. It’s not like you buy something on Amazon - yes I want that so I order it.

A better way to think of them is as a gift/blessing. They may come to you. But they may not.

I would focus on learning how to really love another person. Ie as a whole person warts and all who is a real person in their own right not just there to meet your needs/align with you.

Focus on building that first (whether with this girlfriend or another). It takes a lot of personal growth. Then you might be really ready to have children after. I don’t think you are at present because your way of relating isn’t developed enough.

Don’t put cart before horse and work on developing as a person so that you can be ready to be a father and a husband.

Don’t worry that you aren’t there yet. You’re only 29!

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/10/2025 14:05

… I don’t say it to be unkind but if your girlfriend is reticent it is possible because she has a sense that you aren’t ready …

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2025 14:07

it’s very likely that she’ll be able to conceive at 39/40 my friends are that age and having babies now either naturally or ivf but it’s happening!
you can also do donor eggs if hers done work, which would still be your child biologically and she’d carry it. There is a strong chance if the two of you start trying in a couple of years you’ll have a couple of babies don’t worry. If evening else is good, and she’s sure that she does want them in the right relationship at some point, then I would just be reared and continue dating as normal and see where you’re both at in a year or so

notatinydancer · 15/10/2025 14:08

Monzo235 · 15/10/2025 11:57

That’s a hard decision to make after 3 months

Show quote history

Then give it 6 moths to a year.

Coconutter24 · 15/10/2025 14:12

But I’m having a lot of anxiety that we will get that far. Then she can’t have them because she’s too old. Which would be a disaster because honestly I’d have to leave her. And I actually think I’d feel quite angry if we got that far and she hadn’t taken it seriously enough, and now I’m stuck having to break my own heart and hers to go after something else, in my early 30s.

Show her what you’ve wrote there and I’m sure the issue will disappear. If I was dating someone for 3 months and they sounded this intense I’d say thanks but no thanks. She is dating a 26 year old, she also needs to make sure you’re right for her especially when it comes to having kids. The fact you say you’d get angry shows a real lack of maturity

Dacatspjs · 15/10/2025 15:07

If you met a woman who was 29 and you didn't think ages was a factor but you had difficulty conceiving what would your thoughts be? Would it be to explore your options, IVF and potentially reconciling yourselves to the fact kids might not happen? Or would you end the relationship there to?

If it's the second then I think you need to look at your reasons for being in a relationship. Kids are great, but your partner should be enough for you- if they're not then they're probably not the right person, and you shouldn't be getting into a relationship with any woman just so she can provide you with kids.

BlueDressontheLine · 15/10/2025 15:10

I think this is the poster who says hes male and talks about fertility and being unsure re having kids. Extremely repetitive.

JayJayj · 16/10/2025 18:15

I had my daughter at 37. My friend had her 4th and last child at 44.

no 39 is not too old.

Lollipop81 · 16/10/2025 18:18

Wherethewildthings · 15/10/2025 11:38

I think it's good you are taking this seriously now. There is also the strong possibility you'll reach that level of seriousness and she's just not that fussed on having kids full stop and doesn't want to. Normally by her age if she wants kids she's very aware of the biological implications of waiting, so my suspicion is that deep down she doesn't and is happy to let nature run its course. Personally I don't see this ending well, and you should probably cut your losses now as it sounds like you want different things in life.

That’s rubbish. I’ve been that woman and now have 2 kids. Definitely need a conversation though about whether kids are on the table.

Tardigrade001 · 16/10/2025 18:30

Based on what she says, she either doesn't want kids, or doesn't think she wants them with you.
You can enjoy your time together, but don't treat the relationship too seriously because it's unlikely to last.

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 18:47

Lollipop81 · 16/10/2025 18:18

That’s rubbish. I’ve been that woman and now have 2 kids. Definitely need a conversation though about whether kids are on the table.

Show quote history

I'm pleased you were able to have the time to make up your mind and have you children. But it's not rubbish that for a lot of women that age they just don't want kids if they are umming and ahhing, and then when they eventually decide they do they hit real issues in conceiving.

SkipAd · 16/10/2025 18:52

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 15/10/2025 12:30

It's not unreasonable to think about it all. Agree that it's sensible.

It is unreasonable to make multiple posts about the exact same thing and reject everyone's advice. Every thread is the same.

Everyone: "break up with her"

OP: "I don't want to though"

Everyone: "Accept that you may not be able to have kids with her then."

OP: "but I really want kids"

Everyone: "You should break up with her then"

OP: "but I don't want to"

And round and round and round.

He's looking for a magical answer that doesn't exist.

Edited
Show quote history

as above

Lollipop81 · 16/10/2025 18:57

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 18:47

I'm pleased you were able to have the time to make up your mind and have you children. But it's not rubbish that for a lot of women that age they just don't want kids if they are umming and ahhing, and then when they eventually decide they do they hit real issues in conceiving.

Show quote history

Yeah completely agree it might not be that easy to conceive at that age. I was very lucky in that I didn’t even try for more than 2 months with either, but I totally get it isn’t that easy for a lot of older women.

Starlight7080 · 16/10/2025 19:05

I think if she is nearly 37 and doesnt want kids then she probably won't change her mind. If she does it will be a struggle and the risks increases alot.
But I also think you know this. And really someone closer to your age is more suited to you. Especially given it sounds like you definitely do want kids.

Bumblebeehee · 16/10/2025 19:06

Monzo235 · 15/10/2025 11:40

See. This is where I get confused. This is the total opposite of what the other comment said.

i can’t end a relationship on suspicions.

Show quote history

I agree, cut your losses now and move on. I don’t know how a woman at 37 is not panicking…. Because she doesn’t want them.

Fleur405 · 16/10/2025 19:09

Monzo235 · 15/10/2025 11:57

That’s a hard decision to make after 3 months

Show quote history

But you want her to commit one way or the other? Do you see the issue here?

Pessismistic · 16/10/2025 19:53

Hey op neither of you can see into the future so why don’t you just have fun see where it goes then worry in 2 years time if you get that far. 3 months is far too early to make these decisions. It won’t matter who you date nobody would want to rush into this decision unless they were desperate or got caught. You’re worrying about something that you can’t control.