Is 39-40 too old for kids?

[Monzo235]

Hi. So I’m a man and don’t know much about this. I’m also 29.

I’ve been dating a 36 year old woman who turns 37 in December for the last 3 months. I’ve been quite concerned about timelines. Up
till now I’ve not even thought that much about kids. It’s something I know I wanted at some point but never considered it that hard. But as she’s 36. I feel pressure to get moving now.

She doesn’t seem as worried about timelines as I do. She says if we get more serious and she’s decided I’d be someone she wants kids with, we could look at freezing eggs. But she doesn’t want to seriously discuss that yet as it’s too early

thing is, I could see this going that far if everything aligns. IF.

But I’m having a lot of anxiety that we will get that far. Then she can’t have them because she’s too old. Which would be a disaster because honestly I’d have to leave her. And I actually think I’d feel quite angry if we got that far and she hadn’t taken it seriously enough, and now I’m stuck having to break my own heart and hers to go after something else, in my early 30s. When I’d worry about dating.

im worried she isn’t taking this seriously enough. I don’t want to end up in an incredibly emotionally tough spot.

can anyone chat to me about this? This is a really hard position for me and I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t

I’m so glad you asked.

Your post is sexist and ageist.

You have assumed the issue will be her because of her age, despite me just pointing out that males can and often are the reason behind infertility. Often infertility can just be unexplained. After years of both you undergoing tests, it can still come down to doctors just not knowing.

Women’s health is and has been chronically underfunded so there are a number of conditions women experience (nothing to do with age) that mean she might struggle to get pregnant and stay pregnant. This isn’t a woman’s fault. She will had tried to get help for her health and been fobbed off by doctors. You can end it with this woman because she’s too old to give you a child but the next partner might have endometriosis and may struggle getting pregnant. Neither women deserve to be left by you just because they may struggle to get pregnant.

You’ve said if she can’t get pregnant, you’ll have to leave her. You’re talking about this woman as if she’s an incubator for you to produce your kids. Not a partner. Not someone you love.

Going through infertility as a couple is really hard. If there’s a chance you’re just going to leave any woman with whom you can’t have a baby, then don’t date. Infertility is unpredictable, it can affect couples at any age. It can affect couples who have already children.

Find a partner who has similar values to you, who you can see yourself building a life with. At some point you have to take a risk that it might not work out, you might break up down the line or you might not be able to have kids due to any number of reasons.

No it's not. You hardly know her. But you do know she's not fussed about kids so she'd be mad to put her through potentially dangerous egg harvesting. It'll be harder in the future.

How many therapy sessions have you had since
your first thread on this? What were the results of your full sperm analysis that I assume you have had done to be commenting on her fertility?

No. You need to make a decision. Take some responsibility. You said you probably won't want kids soon either so I don't see the big dilemma. Even if she did decide she wants kids now/soon, you wouldn't be ready. You're just not compatible.

Yes, have a serious discussion.

If you are very attracted to each other you both need to see if you are on the same page.
Why waste each other's time? Or break each other's hearts?

Honestly I think this is a bit of a mad take tbh. I’m a 29 year old man

You have a lot of growing up & educating to do :)

And I think you would be more compatible with a 24 year old woman.

Lots of women have kids at 39-40. Lots of men, increasing numbers, have fertility issues.

Can you link his other posts, please?

I don't think he's being particularly unreasonable. It's ok to not want a relationship with someone who wants a fundamentally incompatible life to you. It's also ok to think you'll resent someone if they can't do something important to both of you for totally predictable reasons that they've chosen to ignore.

I'd give it a few months. If you're not on the same page about kids and timelines by a year or so you can both cut your losses and move on having given it a good shot.

yes. I do. Hence the post asking questions.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5419878-girl-ive-been-seeing-doesnt-want-me-to-pull-the-rug-out

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5419045-i-dont-like-feeling-like-my-actions-effect-her

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5417870-wondering-if-i-should-end-it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/work/5427617-really-struggling-with-anxiety-not-sure-how-to-cope

Thankyou. I don’t understand the hate

That hate is because you don't listen to anyone and you post the same thing over and over. Everyone on your other threads told you to end it.

Professional help needed, as you were told originally.

no one’s actually answered my question at all. Just had a go at me

no. It’s not. Stop gaslighting.

The answer is to leave her, and do LOTS of work on yourself before you even consider another relationship.

That is the one and only answer.

Again, you got it on your first thread.

Gaslighting🤣 people can now just read your other threads themselves as they have been helpfully linked and see this is just a boring cycle on loop.

So many people have given you long, thoughtful answers on your other threads. And here we are, on the fifth thread about the exact same issue.

And yet he still hasn’t bothered to seek professional help for his anxiety, and despite his fixation on this woman’s fertility, hasn’t gone to get his own fertility checked🙃

@Monzo235 Assuming this is real, you can't have the penny and the bun.
If children are the most important thing to you, don't date an older woman who will inevitably have fewer years for this to be a possibility given that you're not ready yet. And don't waste any more time on ifs or maybes.
It's simple.

It’s not unreasonable to think about this, if a woman asks these questions early before wasting years on a relationship, she doesn’t get such a hard time (quite the opposite actually, it’s called sensible then).

Did you not like the answers on your other threads?