I don’t like feeling like my actions effect her?

[Monzo235]

Hi. So this might sound a bit strange. But I’m late 20s and I had been single for almost 4 years until about 2 and a half months ago.

we became exclusive officially around 3 weeks ago. And at the time that felt right. Just felt like the natural progression and I wasn’t seeing anyone else anyway.

what I did not expect was this big of a leap. People are now asking when they’re gonna meet her. Asking what our future plans are. Asking if she wants kids and if it’s gonna stop me going ahead with my travel abroad plans etc.

I also don’t like feeling like I have to tell someone when I’m not wanting to message much right now. Or feeling like I have to explain myself. Or meet their parents etc.

I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything. Or that I am losing a chance at kids with someone. Or losing their chance. I feel that’s on them to tell me right now as I tried really hard with the last one on that to get her to tell me how she feels. I’m tired of it.

I know this sounds bizarre. But it’s stressing me out a lot. I don’t really know what to do. Even the feeling of ‘I have to break up with her because if I’m feeling this way I owe her x or y’ feels quite frustrating. I feel like I’m having to consider her before everything else.

It sounds like this is stuff you feel you have to do - but maybe you don’t and you’re just imaging all this?
Tell other people to mind their own business!

Who cares what everyone else is saying. It's been you and your GF. What are yOU thinking and feeling and planning and are you both happy with where you're at?

Just have a standard reply like 'it's early days yet.'

Thing is it’s just the way I am. I feel a duty to someone I date to consider them and their feelings. its why I’ve been single for so long and not got into anything with anyone.

i thought that might have gone now but it hasn’t.

I’m not that happy really. It’s early days but I feel pressure from all around me. Internal and external. That’s not her fault but I’m fed up of worrying about the future and having to keep a consistent communication tone to not make her worry

Part of being in a relationship has to be considering the other person’s needs and feelings and balancing them with your own. It’s a partnership. It sounds like you’re not ready for that, which is fine as it’s not for everyone. You have to be honest with yourself and her though.

People ask questions all the time! Doesnt mean you have to answer them. If you say you're in a relationship it's natural to respond with a few questions isn't it? Or should I just say ok!? Nervous now 🤣

It reads to me that you are a commitment phobe OP.

Yeah. But she can bring it up I’m tired of being the one always on the ball for this.

Yeah. I probably am now. I don’t want to go through breakups again.

Do you want a family in the future OP? If you do then perhaps see this as an adjustment time and try not to overthink about pressure from other people. It would be a shame to end something really good because you had a temporary freak out.

Yeah I do. But not yet. And not sure if it’s with her.

It sounds like an exclusive relationship isn’t really what you want at the moment.

When I was dating it was so long ago there wasn’t any of the exclusive announcements - you were just dating one person and you broke up if it wasn’t working. I think those days were less complicated.

I think the words “official” and “exclusive” make it seem like a huge leap, but you need to remember they are just words. Nothing has actually changed. You haven’t signed a legally binding contract.

Yeah. I think maybe she can bring that up though. I’ve done all the emotional heavy lifting and long term thinking. I’m just gonna stop bothering

I don’t know. I thought it was. But I just wanted to date her without anyone else involved. She’s a bit older too.

I didn’t think I was gonna get so many questions about if she wants kids, if I want kids, family asking to meet her, friends wanting to intertwine with her

How old is your gf?

34

To be honest it sounds like you’re just not that into her.

I’m not that into anyone

If this is how you feel about her, she will probably realise that before long and solve the problem for you. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with her that much.

Then committed relationships probably aren’t for you. That’s fine, as long as you recognise that.

You should end it asap though, so she can find someone who is into her.

They just make me stressed and anxious having to feel like someone else has control of my emotions and me them

She can do that herself.

Eh? You don’t want to be with her, you have the responsibility to end it. You’re a grown adult (I assume), so act like one.