MC Avengers - Chocolate cake anyone?

[mistlethrush]

I've started a new thread as the old one was full - hope everyone finds their way here OK.

Hi Cece, lovely to hear from you! Am really glad you found the service helpful. I know exactly what you mean about people not talking about it any more. I use Thomas' name quite a lot, just to make sure he won't be forgotten. I was speaking to my MIL the other day and she said she had told someone else in the family about "um... well..." so I said "you mean about Thomas?" "Yes," she said. "Good" I said!
Am sure you're right about my friend, I guess I'm just not feeling very generous atm. Frankly she is pg. I am not. She got pg immediatley and has had no problems. I have lost 2 babies. She is due 2 days after my wedding anniversary. FFS. Nuff said!
Hate feeling this way. Am trying really hard to be fine about it, I really am. But I'm not doing very well.

I understand - my neighbour had a baby 4 weeks after I had Hope. It took me a month to even go and visit her. She is now 6 months and I still haven't held her.

Hello jules how are you????

That is lovely. I am so touched.

Only two weeks! Wow, bet you can't wait. I am sure you will be fine once you meet your little one

Kate sorry you are feeling down at the moment. You did so well going to the hen night- that is more than I could have done. I live quite near to cambridge and it is a very pretty place.

justjules Good luck! I cannot believe it is only 2 weeks. You will be fine.

kate i had to post when i read your post. dont beat yourself over the head for feeling what you do. your feelings are just that - yours and valid. i used to think i was a nutcase and a horrible person for having the same thoughts that you had until i came onto mn and realised i wasn't alone. mc is a lonely experience. and one which brings forth a roller coaster of emotions. one minute you think - i am ok i can survive this, the next minute something happens to trigger your thoughts and you're weeping in a corner. it's normal. it's not easy to feel over the moon over a friend's pg who was due the same time as you. it's painful and it is ok to feel jealous at the moment. it's not an easy thing to go through.

i found some supposedly good friends who found it easier to avoid the subject altogether and the only thing they said was "well you must move on and look at the future and not be so stuck in the past" when i had wobbly moments. easy for them to say whilst bouncing their newborn on their knees. good on you for going on the hen night though - that is strength that i wouldnt have found myself!! i wish you well kate, and it will get better. i promise. just take it one day at a time and be good to yourself. and treasure your memories of thomas. he was a little person and no one should deny you his existence.

the ladies here will hopefully help - they were a lifesaver when i was going through my own little hell. we're all survivors here on this site and often with a good sense of humour too. if i havent said before - thank you ladies for keeping me sane in the past

i haven't posted of late as since last month's chemical pregnancy, i went into a shell of denial - of mc, ttc everything. that's the third time now ugh.

the good news is that i've had a BFP 2weeks ago. tomorrow will be 6 weeks. not jumping for joy at the moment as started spotting on monday. am now waiting for a scan next week. i dont really believe this is happening yet and am too scared to hope. i hope you are all well out there.

bunny, I haven't been on for a while (manic at work, then on holiday, then ill with awful cold) but just wanted to say good luck, and I hope all is OK for you.

kate - having followed your story I can only say I think you're so brave and doing amazingly well - it takes a lot of courage to confront everything the way you have and not just retreat and withdraw, and you should be really proud of yourself.

We've just started trying again (yesterday, literally!) after mc in March. It's been almost a relief not to be thinking about starting over (after all, if I'm not pg I can't have an mc, right?!) but have to try again some time, and do so want a little one.

Anyway, hi to everyone - I've just managed to catch up with the last few pages. to all those people who've been feeling blue - I've just come out of a bad patch myself. We arrived on holiday to find a spare cot in our bedroom in the apartment we were sharing with my parents and I cried for half an hour (and refused to sleep there until someone remove it!). Then spent my cousin's hen night with 12 girls including her pg best friend, who is due three weeks after my edd in October. She's a doctor and three of her friends sitting next to me spent half an hour talking about pregnancy, etc., from a somewhat gynaecological point of view. I managed really well on the night, but these things take their toll, and it just ends up coming out later. At the wedding two days later I just about made it out of the room in time to have a private cry just before dinner was served.

Anyway, TRYING to stay positive. And thought I'd better get back on here quickly in case of any sudden urges for cake and sympathy in the next few weeks . xx

Daisy and Bunny thank you so much for your lovely messages, it really does mean a lot to me to know I have your support.

Bunny I'm so pleased to hear about your bfp, please let us know how you get on with your scan. Gutted to hear about the spotting, as you know it may well not mean anything, but it certainly makes things more stressful {{{hugs}}} to you. Wil be keeping everything crossed for you xx

Last night I had a text from the girl I was talking about in my last post asking if we are free for dinner next thursday... I think I am going to text her back explaining how I am feeling and then we'll have to see what happens... I really hate confict/confrontation involving my friends - my job invloves pretty much non-stop conflict which is fine, but it's different when it's personal. I just don't think it would be healthy for me to just pretend everything is fine, I think it would probably just fester.
I spoke to a different (proper!) friend yesterday and we came up with a draft text for me to send. I might try it out on you all tomorrow if that's ok, but I really ought to go to bed now!

Hi all

Kate - have been reading back on this thread and struck by your story in particular. Agree with other posters that you really do seem to be coping so well given what's happened. I really hope you have a happy ending. Fingers crossed for you.

I have a question for you and anyone else who might be around or have an opinion...

My best friend has just called me with such horrible news - after two miscarriages and then successfully 'making it' to 28 weeks and thinking she was 'there', she's just found out the baby actually died six weeks ago. She has now, today, just taken drugs to induce her so that it can come out (god that sounds so horrible and insensitive but you know what I mean). We've really been through the miscarriage roller coaster together over the past year and a half, both supporting each other, but I've not experienced such a late miscarriage (its still counted as an MC apparently as the baby died in the second trimester). I really want to be there to support her. If any of you have been there, is there any advice you could give me? What must she be feeling, going through?

I know she doesn't use mumsnet (she has no computer and is stuck in the dark ages!) and so she, herself, doesn't have this kind of support.

But also, she knows that I have been having a hard time and knows I am currently ttc. I'm on day 12 and me and DH have been BDing over the past few days. But I kind of feel, now, having found this out, that to BD anymore would be being disloyal to her, and if we were successful this month, potentially rubbing it in in a way that was just too painful and insensitive for her right now. At the same time, I have no idea when it might happen for me and don't want to risk missing my chance (as it were). So, should I stop BDing this month or not? Sorry for such a selfish question.

Welcome your thoughts and advice.
x

queenie1

very sorry to hear about your friend. Yes I lost my baby at 18 and half weeks so know about late miscarriage.

The first drugs are given and then you are sent home for 48 hours. Then you go back in to be induced with pessaries. In my case my waters broke before the 48 hours and contractions started then, so no experience of the pessary part of the induction.

For me the labour was several hours long but I believe it can be quite quick. As the baby is so small there is no need to be fully dilated in order to give birth.

I was offered and took regular pethidine jabs for the pain and also gas and air.

Let her know she can see and spend as much time with her baby as she likes. The hospital were fantastic and we spent the night with her before leaving at about lunchtime.

We also had a special bereavement delivery suite, which was away from the other labouring mummies.

The hospital may well have a bereavement counsellor/midwife who she probably will meet. My hospital took photos for us but she may well want to take her own camera as well. Close ups of hands and feet as well as wider angled photos are very precious. They may also take foot and hand prints for her - my baby was too small for this but they may be able to. We were also given the blanket she was wrapped in and some other little things like a hospital name tag.

We also saw the chaplain after she was born and she wrote out a blessing card for us. This was important to us as because she was born before 24 weeks she had no birth or death certificate.

Is there anyway she can offically be a stillbirth? as she will then be entitled to Maternity leave and other rights you don't get if it is classed as a late miscarriage (before 24 weeks). I know it is not something you want to think of at the time but it is important in terms of time off and money.

Please pass on my consolances to your friend. She will go to places she didn't know existed. Be there for her and talk about her baby when she wants to - now and in the future.

Any other questions please feel free to ask.

Cece

Thanks so much for your reply Cece - I'm so sorry you had to go through all this.

It's really helpful to have a sense of what will be happening over the next few days - and what she will have to deal with now and in the future. I think I might copy out your message for her to read - I'm sure, at some point, she would find it useful to hear from someone who has been through a similar experience. What you say about places she didn't know existed - I can only imagine...It must be so so painful and hard.

When did all of this happen to you? And how are you about things now?

x

It happened last December.

You learn to live with it after a while but it is difficult. I find people don't talk about her anymore. That is the worst of it at the moment tbh.

Yes please show her my reply. Has she taken her first tablet for the induction yet?

I presume so. She went to the hospital for a scan this morning which confirmed the worst and has now been sent home for 36 hours. I spoke to her earlier and she sounded pretty strong and together, but I think that's probably the shock. After reading your reply, I texted her to say that I was thinking of her and that I thought she was going to have a very difficult few days ahead but that I was there for her in anyway she might need me to be. She said she'd call once she was out of hospital. So I guess now I just need to be at the end of the phone for when she's ready to talk (and, as you say, to keep on talking).

Yes probably the shock. It will hit her though, probably while she is in hospital or just after.

You sound like a lovely friend to her

Queenie I am so so sorry to hear about your friend. Words cannot express it. All you can do is be there for her. Keep texting, send her a card, maybe some flowers if you can afford it, anything to let her know she is in your thoughts. I'd say it's really important to keep that up, everyone will fuss around her at first but people seem to forget very quickly and as Cece says, that is terrible.

I'd also suggest to her that she might like to join mn. I found invaluable support here through both my mc's. There is also a thread started by a lady whose daughter was stillborn (I think in about March?) called Eris' Thread for Bereaved Mummies which she might find really helpful.

I didn't see my little boy - my choice. It's important that your friend knows she has a choice too. It may be that if her LO died a few weeks ago she might not want to see them. That does NOT mean she doesn't care. I have Thomas' footprints and they are so incredibly special to me. I will treasure them all my life.

We also had a funeral for him, just me, DH and the vicar who married us. It was very special and very beautiful. I carried his tiny coffin into the crematorium because that was the only time I got to hold him. That meant a lot to me. I still have the little bear DH left with him in the chapel of rest and we wrapped him in a blanket I used when I was a baby. All touches that can help.
After the funeral DH and I went out for lunch and drank champagne to celebrate his very short life. it felt like the right thing to do, and believe it or not we actually had a really nice afternoon. I think he would have approved.

Since the funeral I came across the following verse. I have been meaning to post it on here and now feels like an appropriate time. Please pass on my love to your friend, and tell her that I will be thinking of her over the coming weeks.
Cece, I often think of you and Hope. I know I've told you that before, but it's still true!

"In the wake of so much loss, we are haunted by the things we don't, and may never, understand.
But the solace which we seek may not come from answers.
So look for comfort to love's everlasting connection.
May that love lift you up, hold you close, give you peace."

Good night little one. Sleep tight.

Queenie, another message for you - and this one's just for you - re your TTC.
This is such a tough one. I'm not sure of your history, but it doesn't sound like you've had a very easy time so far. Putting it bluntly, if you have a baby before your friend does it will be really really hard for her - whether you conceive this month, next month, or in 3 months' time. That is just something we all struggle to come to terms with. But that does not mean you shouldn't try. You can't put your life on hold, and I'm sure in her rational mind your friend wouldn't want you to. I'm sure you will be anyway, but just be really sensitive to her feelings when you do fall pg - and if you're unsure about how she will react to any given comment, you can always try it out on us lot first .
Good luck to you xx

Hello Kate,

What a lvoely verse.

Queenie
Didn't take in that the baby had died several weeks before, so she is probably not going to see her/him. Hope had only been dead a few days and had already started to deteriorate

Kate, Queenie and Cece - hugs for all of you. I nearly started crying here at my desk. I don't really have anything to add, but I wanted you to know that I was very moved by all of your posts.

Ditto LBOT - I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. Lovely, lovely verse and hugs to you all

Thanks all of you - I'm seeing my friend today and all your posts and words of advice are really helpful.

I spoke with her yesterday. She's now out of hospital. Apparently it was pretty horrific, but despite all this, she sounds like she's still being strong and philosophical about everything. She really is amazing. Am sure it will hit her hard soon though. How can it not?

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for you replies.

(And Kate, thanks for your thoughts on my second question about what I should do etc. Not sure how to play it. Agree I shouldn't put my life on hold, but...very difficult).

Queenie - whenever it happens, it will still not be a good time for her - I know too well. But, as has been said, you shouldn't put your life on hold - she will understand. Best of luck to both of you.

Gosh, what a moving number of last posts on this thread. I have been sitting here, about to rejoin, reading all the posts over the last few days, in floods of tears.

Queenie, so sorry about your friend. Thats really awful awful for her. YOu sound like an incredible friend though. I am just going through the days following a mc myself, and although my experience cannot compare to your friends, just having someone who is willing to talk about it with me when I am ready to is all I need. Well, that and some chocolate and some wine. So many people kind of just ignore it - assume I may not want to talk about it, and just having someone say talk when you are ready means everything.

As far as you TTC yourself, thats a real toughie. As someone who has just gone through a mc at 11 weeks, and with a close friend pg (3weeks ahead of me), it is incredibly painful for me to even think about her at the moment. I've texted her and said I am not ready to see her right now and that I need a bit of time. I am sure I will be ok with it in the end, but even thinking about her right now is so so hard. In your situation, I would still TTC. GO for it. You have a life too, but if you are succesful, wait a few weeks before saying anything to your friend. I wish you and your friend well.

LadyHelen I'm so sorry you've had to join the thread I also had a mc at 11 weeks and I know how horrible it is {{hugs}} for you

Queenie I've said this on this thread before, but both of my SIL's are pregnant and due within a few weeks of my due date. Sometimes it's hard to be around them, but I wouldn't ever want what's happened to me to impact their lives. You can't not TTC just because your friend lost her baby. And if she's half the friend to you that you are to her, then believe me, she wouldn't even dream of wanting you to. She'll be devastated now, and it will be very hard but in the long term she will understand.