TTC #1 no previous pregnancies cycle #6 - looking for others in the same boat!

[MocktailMe]

Hi all.

As per the title, TTC first baby, I've never had a confirmed pregnancy before. I'm 31, bf is 27.

Been trying to conceive 9 months, but due to PCOS only 6 cycles.

This year I've lost weight, and my cycles since January have varied from 28 days to 38 days. Had PCOS confirmed, and currently waiting for an appointment with gynaecologist to see if I need further assistance. Appointment is taking its sweet time so for now doing it the old fashioned way still with plenty of hope (at least some days, not so much others!!!).

I'm currently on cycle day number 28, negative tests, no signs of a period in sight, CM up to my eyeballs and a whole heap of doubt over when ovulation occured!!

If you are :

TTC #1
A woman who has never been pregnant
Pissing on sticks at an ALARMING rate
Potentially with PCOS but healthy ovaries welcome 😁

Then PLEASE join my thread, so in need of buddies in a similar boat! ⛵

No offence to those TTC #2 or more, genuinley ❤️ just hoping to speak to people who also have no idea what pregnancy would feel like, and who also maybe have the fear they CANNOT ever get pregnant ❤️

Hey yes I'm signed off at the moment for another ten days. I managed to walk to the end of my short road yesterday which took an eternity and cost me a lot of effort so the thought of a shift feels like a mountain to climb currently - but the thought of walking to the toilet alone was impossible only five days ago so I'm trying to trust my body to heal. If I'm not able to work when it runs out I will get another and take longer. If I had a desk job it would be very different but I need to be able to be on my feet for ten hours and that's not something I could consider yet - I'm still on morphine.

I think early scans can cause a lot of unnecessary fear but obviously I am currently biased from being in my situation - without a scan I wouldn't have had the ectopic diagnosed and might not have reached a hospital when I ruptured for hours later which would have been extremely dangerous. Knowing it was ectopic meant I acted fast when the rupture pain began. For this reason I would still want one purely to know the baby was in my uterus, but I think so long as you know the signs and stay vigilant you should be fine. Most people don't ever have an ectopic pregnancy.

@MocktailMe Here is to small steps to a full recovery! I remember when I had a surgery after a serious fracture several years ago and could not walk for days, I was so happy when I first made 10 steps into the bathroom and back, first time I washed my face - the water never felt so refreshing, then 30 steps into the hospital corridor etc. Our bodies are amazing and all this teaches us to be grateful for small things in life!

Yes totally, I am on alert for any symptoms that could be out of sync and then I would rush to an early scan or EPU in no time.

@KTB34 thank you, I guess the worry never really goes away...Congrats on your first four months!!

@MocktailMe glad you’re OK and I hope you get that sleep!

Re good news I’ve been on holiday this week (still working a bit because self employed life lol?) in Budapest and we had an amazing train journey from Switzerland to Budapest! We’ve been eating everything in sight and going to lots of spas.

I finally get my husband back now after he’s been away for 3 months and it’s been a well needed break ❤️

Have been trying again this week and I’ve got my gyno referral appointment next week.

We’re both looking forward to getting back into our routine so it’s feeling positive.

@CharLdn your trip sounds fantastic! Hope after such positive experiences and rest this month is a lucky one for you!
It's good you got your appointment soon too, so things seem to be moving all in the right direction!

@lavafield thank you - hope you’re ok and the waiting game isn’t too tedious ❤️

@CharLdn That sounds like such an amazing holiday! Sounds like you're moving in a positive direction, especially with your appointment next week.

@MocktailMe I hope you're okay and recovering well. It's all small steps and hopefully you're able to get outside a bit more now?

I caved at 10dpo this morning and took a test, negative as usual and AF arrived shortly after. Not made easier this month by my best friend telling me she's pregnant with her second on month 2 of trying. She conceived her first on month 1 so I knew she'd be pregnant again before me and she's so respectful about it as she's aware we're struggling, but it still drives home how frustrating it is that some people find it so easy while it just isn't happening for us.

I'm also still patiently waiting for something to happen with my gyno referral. I know my GP has sent it but I haven't had any letters. It's been 2 months since our first GP appointment and I've only had one set of bloods taken, I know it can be a slow process and they're probably absolutely rammed with referrals but I'm just feeling a bit stuck in limbo at the moment with it all.

I've spent a fair few hours in the garden the last few days and have been able to go for very gentle walks round the block. Unfortunately I'm still not able to have the sun on my skin due to methotrexate - had hoped it might have worn off a bit but after half hour without cover I did break out in a rather painful rash - so sleeves hat and shade still for now.

I think I'm still shell shocked from everything I've been through to be honest. I've cried a lot at stupid unrelated stuff, and had a complete breakdown worrying about my return to work, but when I feel the (emotional) pain on losing the baby creep in it's like I simply shut down and become emotionless. Im struggling to grieve. I've been referred for counselling through the hospital which should be imminent and I think I need it. Even thinking about losing the tube and the impact on fertility it's like I start shouting over my own thoughts to block them out. I can't face any of it right now.

I miss my baby so much and I can't believe I'm not pregnant any more - I literally can not and will not think about it enough to believe it's true. I've had some random flashbacks from prepping for surgery and returning to the hospital for a check up literally felt like returning to the scene of a violent crime - even though the nurses there are so lovely. It's really fucked me up and the road ahead just feels so long and impossible.

Hey @MocktailMe it’s good to hear from you.

You’ve been through an awful lot and sometimes the coping mechanism is blocking it out. I hope the therapy can help you and they get in touch quickly. It’s good you can get out a little, hopefully the symptoms from the injection fade quickly over the next few weeks so you can enjoy some spring sun. All you can do is look after yourself the best you can, grief isnt easy to navigate and in time hopefully you will start to be able to process and deal with the loss of your baby and everything you went through during that.

I had my first face to face conversation today about what I’ve been through with someone who isn’t in my immediate support network. It felt like a small win. However, on Monday my dog had an ultrasound and it was the most triggering thing I’ve experienced so far when the vet pulled up the photos and started discussing sizes in relation to what they found in mm. I actually zoned out and have no clue what I was told so it’s a good job my other half was there. I feel time has helped for sure but it only takes a small thing to stop me in my tracks and take me back to what has happened.

@Tater05 the waiting for appointments is killer - I’ve been referred to gyno and fertility, I filled in some forms a month ago and haven’t heard anything…

They won’t tell me how long either which is very frustrating.

I’m considering looking at private but if I’m about to be seen it would be a waste….

@MocktailMe you've been through so much in a short space of time, your mind and body are trying to process trauma. All you can do is look after yourself as best you can one day at a time. I'm glad you've been referred for counselling, I really hope it helps and as always I'm sending support from afar ❤️

@CharLdn I haven't even filled in any forms yet so looks like I've got a long way to go! It's frustrating isn't it, mine couldn't tell me a vague wait time either when I phoned to check if they'd sent the referral (they hadn't).
I've looked at the cost of a private laparoscopy and decided we're better off saving that money for if we need IVF later down the line. I imagine if you start paying privately the costs for everything could pile up quite quickly.

@Tater05 update they’ve requested day 3 bloods and I’m getting a hycosy! This feels very exciting.

This was about 4 months after my referral… not sure if that helps!

@CharLdn it's like they knew we were talking about them! I'm glad the ball's getting rolling for you.

That is helpful to know actually, thank you! In the grand scheme of things 4 months isn't too bad really. Do you have a date for the hycosy?

@Tater05 no but I need to get days 2-4 blood tests and then the hycosy on days 5-25 so I’m currently on day 15 so in a few weeks time.

Thankfully my period is normally 26/7 days at the moment so hopefully I can book the blood test. The big thing is you can’t be pregnant or have sex before the test (which given my track record doesn’t seem to be likely at this stage).

This does finally feel like progress - I’m still taking Myo inositol and trying to lose weight for pcos and eating a reasonably high protein diet.

@CharLdn if it's similar protocol to a HSG you have to ring on the first day of your cycle to see if they can fit you in each month. Mine was never done as that was when my first ectopic was found (what I thought was day one of my period was actually pregnancy bleeding) so I would do your own pregnancy test before going just in case!

@MocktailMe yeh I think so thankfully I’ve got plenty of those hanging around!

@CharLdn Glad to hear you are going to get your hycosy and blood tests! What about progesterone day 21 (or roughly 7 days post ovulation, if you are on longer cycles)? I asked my GP to test that one a few months ago, and when I later went to a consultant he specifically looked at that result and was very pleased. I also had an AMH test done because of my age, but otherwise it is not considered essential unless you are closer to the IVF process when they do look at it, and also had blood-clotting tests done.

@lavafield tests I’ve had so far:

Day 21 progesterone
Day 3 Amh, Lh, testosterone fsh etc
Clamydia ghonorreah
Bone profile

For insulin resistance:
Blood count
Haemoglobin ac1
Fasted glucose
Renal function

Thyroid
Cholesterol
Trans Vag ultrasound

Basically most things have come up as normal apart from AMH is 53 (high) and testosterone high so my view is I have managed PCOS.

It looks like I’m ovulating - I get an LH spike, my day 21 progesterone levels were normal but my current theory is that I’m ovulating with too many follicles and not enough FSH for the eggs to grow. And possible insulin resistance.

But I’ve got an appointment with the gyno team on Tuesday to talk about my results with an actual doctor not Dr google!

Good luck with your appointment @CharLdn ! Glad to see it being investigated in detail now.
How is everyone doing?
How is your recovery @MocktailMe ? Hope you are steadily regaining strength and cheerfulness, but if there days when you feel super sad and rough, that is all absolutely normal too!

I am definitely regaining strength but cheerfulness feels a very long way off.

I am starting back at work in a few days for a phased return - I won't be working full time usual hours for another 3 weeks yet. I'm scared to go back (I've been off for 6+ weeks including some annual leave I already had booked) but also hopeful it might be good for my mental state. My jobs very very active and physically I'm not at the required level yet, but I am able to move around now, just have to accept the soreness that comes with the activity.

A few more days at home to test my strength walking and resting and then a gentle ease back into the 'real' world. I'm also being taken to the supermarket today for the first time so that will be a good opportunity to find out how I feel doing usual tasks.

@MocktailMe good luck this week ❤️

Good luck @lavafield ❤️ Sounds like a sensible approach taking us day by day.

I had my gyno appointment and she said all my bloods are good and there’s nothing to worry about. She said she can prescribe me metformin but it probably won’t make a difference….

Also she didn’t want to interfere if I’m seeing the fertility team soon. But then I basically said to her I’ve tried everything else so I don’t see why I wouldn’t try it.. so she prescribed it to me very reluctantly.

Also said I didn’t need to lose weight even though my BMI is 29….

And stress is the biggest factor - am I stressed? I said erm well I’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years so that’s a bit stressful.

All a bit weird but anyway I think I’m going to try metformin on my next cycle as by if some miracle I am preggo I don’t want to upset anything.

Hi ladies,

Hope your all okay!

I got a positive LH test today which suggests my period is now due after our trip and wedding so we’ve decided to just see in a relaxed way as we obviously wasn’t sure if we was going to TTC this month so haven’t really covered many days. But, if it’s meant to be it will be.

Still can’t quite believe we’re back to square one and the LH being positive now suggests my cycle is abit off as it’s quite late for me to get a positive test (CD16).. but what’s odd is the cycle we conceived I also had delayed ovulation with a positive OPK on CD16.. however that was the only cycle it had happened on our TTC journey.

Good luck to everyone with upcoming appointments I hope you get some answers soon.

Still thinking of you @MocktailMe. I hope your return to work goes okay and that you start to feel more yourself soon.

Probably be my last post now pre wedding / trip but I’ll be back in a few weeks feeling the wedding blues no doubt but enjoying our newly wed bubble!!

@CharLdn i think I'd feel quite frustrated after that appointment. Having spoken to you for cracking on 10 months now I know for a fact you've had periods of some stress, yes, but also lots of holidays lots of us could only dream of, and real points where you've put TTC on the back burner and taken things very relaxed and easy. I think stress can be a factor, but Im very glad you've got a fertility appointment coming up because I'm really not convinced your entire journey can be written off due to stress. You've always been very aware of that and worked to keep your stress levels managed. Hopefully the Metformin will help something along - I did conceive shortly after starting it. Keep an eye on the gastric side effects though - it was too much for me and that's why I stopped.

@kt199 totally understand that back to square one feeling. It's very draining to have been to hell and back and at the end of it all just back to pissing on yet more sticks with nothing but trauma to show for it! I've got everything crossed you'll not have to stay in this stage of life long.

I'm back at hospital later this week after my return to work, and I have my first counselling appointment next week. I'm waiting to hear when the cremation for my baby will be held and I'm hoping attending the service will give me peace.

Hi all sorry I’ve been quiet on here lots to read so can’t reply to everyone individually.

@MocktailMe hope work goes ok for you when you return, hope they look after you! Glad to hear you’re having some external support, you’ve been through a lot.

@KT199 good luck with your wedding! I hope it all goes well and enjoy the newlywed bliss, it soon wears off 🤣

@CharLdn good luck with all of your tests!

I ended up in hospital on Sunday with the worst pains in my pelvic area. Everything is ok but may have pelvic girdle pain, was asked to take codeine to manage and it knocked me out and made me throw up so will need to try and alternative.

@MocktailMe yeh it was a bit anti climatic but hopefully if I can get my bloods and hycosy done I’ll finally get to see a specialist.

Everytime someone says is it stress it makes me want to punch them 😂 I’ll show you stress!

Glad you’ve got counselling - I find it very cathartic to speak to professionals about mental health because they know what to say ❤️