BFP after first failed IVF? What the actual F

[GoldenRetriever1]

Helloo - husband (38) and I (31) TTC for 2+ years with not a single positive. Laparoscopy diagnosed twisted tubes, stage II Endo and low AMH (8). Both always been healthy, fit, no illnesses etc. So, obviously been feeling very angry with the situation.
Last cycle was our first round of IVF and a fresh transfer (22 eggs, 14 fertilised, 1 grade A embryo put in, with 5 in the freezer)- it failed with no answers. Now, the first cycle after the IVF, I find myself with faint lines at 15DPO, which seems rather late. Ovulated CD19/20 (definitely). I usually have 10/11 day luteal phases and no AF has shown, just spotting. Could these be evap lines?
I’m obviously in total denial because we were told it just probably won’t happen naturally for us. Scared of ectopic as well. Absolutely mind blown. Any words of advice? I don’t know what to think.

@veronicaaa I read this right after I fell into a pit of Googling. Perhaps an official sign to stop.

Thank you for your best wishes. It means a lot. I’m nervous. Just want everything to be OK, whichever way it goes.

Indeed! and glad it distracted you enough to jump back on mumsnet. This whole process is torture so be gentle with yourself. Unplug the Wifi and go for a run/walk if you are able. 💕

I had this happen in my third pregnancy! 18dpo, very faint positive after I'd had periods like clockwork all year. Brown spotting for 2 weeks. Scoured mumsnet for hours looking for positive stories and found them hard to come by. Healthy pregnancy and baby!! Can only put it down to me having randomly ovulated a week or two later than usual one month.

@Jinglesomeoftheway Thank you for sharing your story - that’s reassuring to some degree. Does that mean that you weren’t really 18DPO when you got your faint lines?

I’ve just stupidly read all over the internet that initial low HCG levels mostly ends in ectopic, miscarriage or poorly babies. I can’t do anymore tests.. I think I’ll go even more crazy. Just got to wait for the blood results tomorrow. I just want this all to be over now tbh.

The moment I finally broke, after years of being in the pits of pregnancy losses, was a 1st birthday party and being the only one without a child. I don't know what I was thinking even going. Until that moment I'd been so focussed that I hadn't really let myself feel the grief.

@GoldenRetriever1 I've been where you are. Scouring for any glimpse of hope while also trying to prepare for the worst. The one thing I learned is that I could never lessen the devastation no matter how much I thought I was prepared. These waiting periods are brutal, do whatever you need to, to keep yourself sane. It helped me to switch my phone off as it was the wrong kind of distraction (for me).

I got my miracle in the end. He's now 4. I'm so grateful and aware that when I was in your position it seemed impossible. I hope this is your time but if it's not, don't lose hope altogether x

I'm reading your messages OP and can recognise my own feelings some time ago.
After two miscarriages I was like 'will it happen?', 'will it not?', 'I'll never accept if it doesn't happen '.
No joy in things just home-work-home.
Be kind to yourself. I know it's easier said than done but things that helped me # little were reading books relevant to my situation and writing a diary (especially the later).
It's also crazy how conception problems can change your relationships with people and the world around you.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your results tomorrow ❤️❤️❤️

@Newpancake92 Thank you for your message. It has totally ruined my life. These last few years have just disappeared. And it’s terrible, but I resent so much that so many people get it so easy when it comes to fertility. I’ve spent my entire life taking really good care of myself. And for what?
My hope is wearing thin as the months go by. To think right now, I’d rather go back to having just had my failed fresh transfer and have my frozen booked in the calendar for early May. A much simpler time (literally last week). This potentially unviable natural miracle BFP has me totally blindsided. No doubt means everything else is pushed back.. can we conceive naturally now? Do we try again? What if it’s ectopic? More drugs, more waiting. It’s just a sh*t show.

Thanks for being here x

@overthestorms I’m so glad you finally got your miracle. I just wish mine didn’t seem so far away. Part of my CBT is actually trying to tackle a negative voice in my mind that tells me I’ll never have children. This whole situation is totally debilitating. And it’s a pretty private thing, so outside of the house you have to put on quite the show to hide the horror and sorrow.

Not quite sure what I can do for distraction at the moment, other than watch TV and do meditation. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. I’m just so done with it. Huge kudos to women who struggle with fertility for decades. I wouldn’t have it in me.

Understandably your emotions are running high because it's something that's taken you by surprise, could be wonderful, but obviously, you're fearful.
It's nothing you've done or not done. It's an accident of biology. Please try to rest now. Is there something you can watch or read as a bit of a distraction? (I know it's hard)

@Maireas Emotions are all over the place - and obviously, even if it doesn’t work out this time round, I’m still full of new hormones my body is not familiar with 🥴
I haven’t slept properly in 4 nights (last night zero sleep, just tears).. so you’re right that I need to rest. Thank you for being so supportive.
I can’t believe I’ve been a silent watcher of these threads for so long. It means a lot to know there are women out there who relate and care - AND who isn’t a best friend who conceived first time round trying to empathise.

Please go to bed. Read a magazine or listen to an audiobook or a podcast, anything that switches your brain on to something else.
🌻

@Maireas Definitely an early night today. My husband has agreed to stroke my forehead to help me get to sleep tonight. How old am I?! 😂
Thank you, again, for your kindness

😘 x

Can hear the turmoil you are in. Sending live and strength xx

I'm sorry for the confusion - yes it means that in reality I must had ovulated later and (even though id been regular for months) and by calcs of doing the deed, it must have taken a good while to implant. I spent a good fortnight in turmoil because I thought with such a faint line so late on I was miscarrying (again). It's obviously quite a different scenario to yours, but I can completely understand how on edge you must be feeling until you know for certain.

I drove myself mad looking up stats and stories online, but ultimately whilst discussing it is helpful, absolutely no amount of research or stories, or googling impacts the end result or what's going to happen, so I hope you can distract yourself until you find out x

Hope you get some rest OP. Wish I could think of the right thing to say but just hope you’re ok tomorrow.

Hope you slept lovely x

Woke up thinking of you, and praying you get good news today x

Thinking of you today 🌷

Thinking of you 💐

Good luck for today op ❤️

Good luck, OP.

Thinking of you.

I know you are doing CBT but I just wanted to share this:

I always found ACT (acceptance and committed) more helpful when you have to keep living with the grief inducing thing.

Commitment! Can't edit on the app. No one needs to be committed

I've been praying for you too x