CD1 ttc after loss carry on thread #3

[Ladyinpink1]

I went to reply and you were right, the thread was full so I couldnt post a link to a new thread, also, because it's a new thread it wont give me a prediction to tag when I type a name, so I have just copied and paste the names off of everyone who posted on the very last page of the thread, I hope anyone else can find it OK. Sorry, maybe there is an easier better way... if anyone else can remember extra names and spellings, please tag 🙂

@samilicious

@Wise0wl

@ThelastRolo20

@13lucy

@Bugdem123

@HerbaceousPerennial

@moosey89 I think I feel less traumatised (as in I've experienced it once before) but I feel more sad and angry this time. One loss is cruel enough. I agree that the worst thing is loss of time and not knowing what the future holds. All the pregnancies that have progressed around you while you're waiting to start all over again. Really screws with your mind and I feel like I can only connect with people who have had losses or don't have children. So true like you say that we are expected to move on, but I think it's a very complex type of grief as you can't let go of what might have been and those dates forever in your mind. I really appreciate the support from everyone as it's such a lonely place to be.

I'm sorry it was so painful @lucy I hope you are managing to get some rest to start to recover physically.
I felt the same after the second one, I just couldn't believe it happened again, it's horrible and it gives you so much anxiety with it and as @moosey89 said i also felt very angry as I had done everythjng right the second time so I had (and still dont have) a reason and also as said it's the starting over again.
You definitely didn't do anything to cause it, but I understand part of dealing with things is feeling those things. Sending a hug x

That must be so difficult not knowing when things will happen @HerbaceousPerennial what is the 20/80 rule? Ooh almond croissant sounds amazing, there is a wee place local to me and it has a sort of sweet almond puree inside the croissants, it is AMAZING, sorry you said almond croissant and I got so hungry 😆 hoping things work out for you the same way again and you concieve really fast x

Hi @purplecolouroffunk sounds promising, hoping you get good news very soon x

@purplecolouroffunk I’ve only ever had shooting pains in my nipples when breastfeeding I’m afraid but it’s bloody agony so I feel for you! Hopefully a good sign for you this cycle though 🤞

@13lucy please don’t blame yourself, like @moosey89 says I was told by my midwife that short of heavy alcohol or drug use, or smoking, it’s not your fault and it’s nothing you have or haven’t done. If they’re meant to stick, they do. I have been much more careful and much healthier with the two I’ve lost than the one pregnancy which worked out. There’s no rhyme or reason to my pregnancies. It’s still very very soon and it is deeply unfair so everything you are feeling is to be expected. If it’s any use, I asked if I should take aspirin as a precautionary measure after my last miscarriage and was told categorically not to as if you don’t need to it can increase your risk of haemorrhage and do more harm than good. Keep getting your feelings out to us, we get how you’re feeling.

@moosey89 thanks for your wise words - I know they weren’t addressed to me but they were very useful. I’m furious that I’m back at square one, especially as I’m looking at at probably at least 4 weeks until ovulation is on the cards again. Simultaneously slightly nervous that I do fall pregnant next cycle and potentially end up with a due date I have had before… no logic there! And I’m so sorry you’re back here again. How are you doing today?

@Ladyinpink1 these had the almond paste in too! So delicious. 80/20 rule is you live healthily 80% of the time, and 20% you indulge yourself and have whatever you want! I repeat it to myself when I’ve been doing a lot of treating. I’ve also been buying a shedload of clothes and nice stuff like that which I need to rein in - I put on weight in both pregnancies and am sick of squodging myself into things which make me look a bit pregnant, it’s too depressing. I feel a bit guilty but am trying to reframe it as self care and not beat myself up about it

@13lucy absolutely gutted for you - it's so cruel to have multiple losses. Can't imagine how you're feeling - more tests in the future sounds like something to help you get some clarity at least. Big hugs ♥️ and so glad opening up to your family helped you breathe a bit

@Ladyinpink1 that's so crap you've been waiting that long for results! Have they said how much longer they think they'll be? I haven't smelled it but will give it a whiff tomorrow! Yes I'm in my FW at the moment but I'm fully out this cycle. Been so busy and stressed and barely DTD, especially when I had the most physical signs of fertility. All my brain cells have gone on job applications 😅 now I'm officially redundant. Are you still feeling relaxed today? I have faith you will be soon - almost fully given up at this point and just trying to enjoy life as it is plus 10,000 supplements and healthy eating/exercise. Off the bandwagon this week with being so busy out and at Taylor Swift/Download and Foos next week. Stupidly planned so much to distract me from ttc then lost all realms of childcare so ended up being more stressful but still good. Back on being healthy tomorrow! Might skip weigh in on slimming world though because it can only go one way 🤪 have you dtd much? You doing SMEP?

@HerbaceousPerennial how can TTC ruin birthdays too on top of everything else eh. Hope your DH's plans help you forget and enjoy yourself a bit - you deserve it after all this heavy stuff lately. I'm also extra superstitious about things eg dates with TTC after loss. So little logic in it, turning to the woo woo. I like the 80/20 rule but it's definitely flipped in the last week 😂 overeating is the worst for me when feeling a bit crap, feel like my body is going to combust today

@Wise0wl love love love your list! Been exercising more since you guys said it helped you catch

@Jellybelly888 no success with ttc and weight loss for me but I've been following the same stuff and hopefully will do soon! Losing weight very slowly but don't mind because I don't want to give life up to make myself more miserable, even though I'm strict 80% of the time

@HerbaceousPerennial you're so welcome - honestly I'm working so hard on making sure I don't feel like my 30s are totally eaten up by TTC! It's a continuous battle but I'm doing my best which is all any of us can do.

Overall I'm ok - I'm in LA for about 60hrs for work 😂 so will be exhausted when I get home but it's fun to get the chance to see different cities, even if only briefly!

@HerbaceousPerennial it's so tough to be good without killing yourself so much that it takes the enjoyment out of eating. I am normally good through the week and bad at the weekend so I suppose that's similar. But have definitely stalled recently with my weightloss, because I just love all food lol. You have been through alot so maybe the retail therapy has helped. Why can't good food taste like the croissants lol x

I thought you were further ahead of me this cycle @samilicious, so that will be nice to have tww company. We have just dtd this weekend when we felt like it, but now that it should be my peak opk tomorrow, I'm the "what days do I need to plan for dtd" non romantic mindset lol. Well we have seen so many say on here that when you are distracted is when it happens so I hope that is the case for you. I'm sorry it's now official, I really hope you get something soon!
Definitely feel like we are taking at least a thousand supplements. That sounds good to have lots of things planned too, hope you can manage to still enjoy it all x

@moosey89 oh I forgot about your job and the amazing travel, i'm sure that will be exhausting but also I hope you get to see some sights. I get you... I am 36 now and feel like the past 2 years of my life have been taken up ttc, I find it so hard not to let it take over, can't figure out a way to not think about it 24/7x

Thanks all. @Ladyinpink1 so hard, especially after you've seen a heartbeat and everything looking good. It just doesn't make any sense! Just in limbo now until ovulation arrives and we've decided to just go for it straight away.

@HerbaceousPerennial I was also told not to given that you're unlikely to have a second miscarriage after a first. Thought I'd just see what happened but now it lives as a what if in my head. I really feel for you with the long ovulation. The last ovulation I conceived on was CD 28 and that was long enough!

@samilicious opening up has definitely helped and family have been very supportive. Got a call with the GP later this week and then will look at private tests. I know they say not to until 3 but I don't want to risk it if there is something wrong. I'm going to Foo Fighters next weekend which I'm sure I'll enjoy when it comes round but at the moment don't feel like enjoying anything!

@moosey89 so true, I've not enjoyed much of my 30s! Such a stressful time and I'm already starting to think that I'll be lucky just to have one child at this rate but trying to not think too far ahead. It's a weird balance with putting so much focus and pressure on TTC and watching your life disappear in front of you. Currently away with DH family so can't be a crying mess the whole time but it's tough when everyone around me is ok and I'm feeling awful inside. Hope you have a nice time away!

Hi ladies would you mind if I joined? Seeing how united you are in these threads is really inspiring and to be honest I could do with the support not sure I’ve ever felt so empty but I know with time it gets better. Had my second mmc last month resulting in d&c as my body just doesn’t seem to recognise them. Luckily I have my ds conceived through ivf he will be 3 in August and is a shining light. Hope you’re all well and hope I can be of some support to you ladies as this journey is truly torturous.

@Jingleq of course, sorry that you're here! I've just had my second MMC so know how you feel, but I don't have any children. It's so difficult when you feel you can't trust your body. I try and think of it in a positive way that means my body was still sustaining the pregnancy. How are you feeling? Has your cycle returned yet?

@Ladyinpink1 are we synced up now then? I'm on CD18 today. That's good you've been dtd based on romance more than obligation! That will help this time I'm sure. Always the way when peak opk time hits though. Still getting used to temping with the watch and making sure it's charged and on tight/not too tight so not sure I've captured my peak this time with bbt. Maybe! I feel like the last time was a bit too early but we'll see I guess

Also croissant fans @HerbaceousPerennial - I had a Croffle the other day. It was sublime. A croissant pastry baked into the shape of and served as a waffle, with fruit and yoghurt (this was my healthy topping compromise but was actually very good)

@13lucy oh I bet you don't feel like it - good to ride out the crap feelings to process them but also good to forget (or try to) and boogie for a lil bit. I've been referred to a gyno now after my normal hormone tests at cd7 and cd19 came back normal and DH's sample was normal. Hopefully get some answers on Ashermans/scarring and anything else. Trying to get as much as I can from NHS and plan is to start exploring IVF at Xmas as will be two years from my TFMR / last loss then

@Jingleq welcome! Love how your describe your LO ✨ sorry you're here but here for you however long or short your journey to next baby is ❤️

I'm so sorry for your losses @Jingleq you are in good company here, all of the ladies on the thread are lovely, and caring. I hope we can be of help to you. x

Ahh OK, I have misread your post @samilicious have you already ovulated do you think? I suppose it may take time for the watch to give you a pattern, are you finding it much handier rather than the thermometer apart from adjusting it?
I am cd11 so should have peak opk tomorrow. Then the lovely tww😩Although for the first time ever I deliberately have no ic tests so I plan to not test at all. I have never not tested but do feel determined after last cycle feeling so pregnant and the false positive. Will you wait this cycle or plan to test? x

@13lucy thankyou so much. Cycle hasn’t returned as of yet mixed emotions about it to be honest dreading it but then I suppose it would be good to know cycles returned. I have pcos, endo and blocked tubes that apparently some of which has rectified itself confusing as ever! The second mmc really did sweep me off my feet did you find that? I was certain everything would be ok and the chances of another mmc would be minimal but here we are. I actually miss the reassurance that came with the ivf I have two embryos still frozen so debating which route to take although paying for those wouldn’t be something we’d be able to do instantaneous. Sorry I’m baffling as always! @samilicious I’m so fortunate for him honestly every minute of everything was worth it no matter how long or what journey it takes you’ll feel the exact same. Seems I have a lot to learn a lady I spoke to at the epu said ‘this lady has been through too much and knows too much’ I fear we all may be the same but I know very little about the whole ovulation I randomly bought the clear blue indicator and got a circle followed two days later by solid smiley after noticing ovulating symptoms so hoping it means my body is getting back to normal cycle wise. Here for you if you need anything at all Thankyou

Yes it's so frustrating and makes no sense @13lucy 😢
I remember feeling similar after my last loss, it happened just before 12 weeks, I had thought everything was going to be fine, but the heart had stopped a few weeks before that (right after a private scan where the sonographer commented on what a strong heartbeat it had) and I was so good the last time, I did everything right, ate all the vegetables etc so I felt so baffled and anoyed and cheated by it because there was no reason, especially when I thought of ladies I had seen smoking and ones not taking care in pregnancy with eating no nutritional foods etc and that still went on to have a healthy baby.
I think probably most people don't find out a cause, but I when we are trying to make sense of the loss you want to know why. My midwife said most likely for me it was just "one of those things" , aka they don't know) but I still wish I knew the cause.
Not waiting is a good idea in my opinion. Hope you manage to get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is a tiny bit easier x x x

Sorry about the essay x

How are you doing @moosey89 ? x

@Ladyinpink1 well right this minute I'm eating tacos next to the beach in Santa Monica so feeling great 😂 but does mean I'll hit the ground with a solid bump Thursday when I get home. I just want my cycle to reset now so we can move on. I'm struggling with losing weight - just got myself to a place where my relationship with food was improving (from being in a place of binge eating and being afraid of food) but stupid BMI means I have to lose like 6-7kgs to get any NHS fertility treatment 😖 so frustrating having to put my mental health to one side to do that!!

@Ladyinpink1 I could have pretty much written that myself! I've had such conflicting advice from consultants and other healthcare professionals that it's hard to know what to do or what might have caused it. Nothing makes any sense at all and it makes me feel so sad and angry. I'm currently back to wishing time away. Starting to have the odd few minutes of feeling normal which is positive, but then it hits me again. Today is the first day my BBT has been down to pre ovulation levels so that's good, only 5 days on from surgery. Not sure what that means in terms of HCG/ovulation though? Last time I ovulated CD12 after MVA but think it was different as it was for retained products and not the whole miscarriage. Good that you're almost in the 2WW - stay positive!

@Jingleq yes I found the same and literally couldn't believe it when it was confirmed. Feels so cruel when the chances are so low. As I've got no children it feels like an impossibility to have a family and it's something I so desperately want. Just hoping I've got enough time and will have enough chances. Good that your cycle is getting back to normal.

How are you doing this week @13lucy?

Gosh never apologise for an intense message, this is a great place to let it everything out.

I absolutely know that feeling of blaming yourself. I felt like that too, like maybe I’d been sitting on my hands when I should have been trying to get pregnant. And that 35 is leaving it too late. I totally know that feeling of lost time and it’s just horrible.

Just know that you’ve done nothing wrong, and statistically so many women go on to have healthy babies after two losses. I know that probably doesn’t help to hear just now, it must just be the most awful feeling suffering two in a row. The odds seem so slim. I’m so so sorry that you got to the stage of seeing a heartbeat - that’s incredibly tough.

I would try not to worry too much about the op. So so many of these happen every day and the risks of anything being affected in your womb etc. are very small. Again, completely understand that feeling though and it’s very valid.

We’re all here to help you through and never hesitate to get intense here 💜

Oh ladies I’ve just had this with FMU at 10dpo. I’m trying not to get excited. Could it be an indent? It does have colour and I’ve never had an indent with these before and I’ve done loads.

Going to hold out to test again on Thursday if I possibly can.

Help!!

@purplecolouroffunk definitely something there to me!!! Early as well 10DPO so definitely a good sign

@Ladyinpink1 honestly I have no clue, what does this mean? Missed a couple of days of temping when the watch didn't work but here's the chart. Pretty sure it happened on the days I missed but we'll see how they line keeps going

@purplecolouroffunk definitely looks like a positive to me fingers crossed it’s a sticky one!
@Ladyinpink1 I completely relate we started our ttc journey nine years ago (lots of issues first thought to be my partner as was diagnosed with zero sperm 😂) honestly feels like a comedy sketch at times my journey so if you ever need some funny stories I’m your girl! Personal best is my DH telling people we had appointments at the infedelity clinic… bless him!
@13lucy how are you feeling? My heart aches for you I do feel a little better with each day so hopefully you will too. Hope you’ve been taking care of yourself. I’ve known people to ovulate within two weeks all the way upto 8 so it’s difficult to say but it will happen the most important person in this is you so take care of yourself

@Ladyinpink1 this trip isn't going so well - ended up getting really sick yesterday with stomach pain worse than when I had appendicitis and in the hospital on a drip 😖 fine today, they think it could have been food poisoning but who knows!

And to top it off I got a positive ovulation test today when I'm 5,000 miles away from home. Ffs. Could really do with some better luck!

@Jingleq so sorry you find yourself here but you’re incredibly welcome - I’ve found this bunch an absolute godsend to help me through. I’ve had two MMC as well and also have PCOS and a little boy, who is 2 and a half.

@moosey89 I was filled with envy at your tacos in Santa Monica then read your next update! Hope you are feeling better now.

@purplecolouroffunk that looks very optimistic to me… fingers crossed!

@13lucy I’m wishing the days away too. Feels so long until ovulation. I checked the website which tells you the chances of falling pregnant as I thought it would make me feel better… I’m basically fucked between my age and my cycle length 😂 honestly I had to laugh.

Went out with a friend and her baby, who’s the same age my first loss would have been. He fell asleep in my arms and I sobbed over him whilst she was in the loo. It actually helped in a weird way, sort of healing. Some days I’m fine, other days I think I’ve just lost the plot completely. I’m hoping things equalise out a bit soon.

@moosey89 sorry you're not feeling well and missed your peak!

@HerbaceousPerennial glad you got to have that moment, so powerful in terms of processing stuff. What you're describing in the ups and downs is classic (annoying) grief I think. Baby loss is something we're supposed to get over and forget about or put to the back of our mind but it's a loss that need grieving like any other, even if it's not a person to miss, it feel more real when there is one the same age right there. Personifies what you're feeling a bit and brings it out. Hope it evens out a bit soon so the ups and downs aren't as unpredictable and tortuous!

Thanks everyone :) I’m feeling nervous and the excitement I felt first time round has definitely been zapped but I have my fingers firmly crossed 💜