CD1 ttc after loss carry on thread #3

[Ladyinpink1]

I went to reply and you were right, the thread was full so I couldnt post a link to a new thread, also, because it's a new thread it wont give me a prediction to tag when I type a name, so I have just copied and paste the names off of everyone who posted on the very last page of the thread, I hope anyone else can find it OK. Sorry, maybe there is an easier better way... if anyone else can remember extra names and spellings, please tag 🙂

@samilicious

@Wise0wl

@ThelastRolo20

@13lucy

@Bugdem123

@HerbaceousPerennial

@samilicious thanks. It did feel overwhelming at the time and goodness knows what folk in the cafe thought but I think you’re right, it was just pure grief. I still feel sadder about the first one than the second, which I feel so guilty about, especially as the second one had a heartbeat and the first didn’t. How are you doing? Are things any calmer yet? Keeping my fingers crossed for you on the job front

@Jingleq up and down at the moment. To be honest still think I'm in shock and disbelief that I'm back to square one again and keep questioning why this is happening to me. Feel like I need to get back to TTC as soon as possible but my temps are still high ish. I just hope it doesn't take too long this time round.

@HerbaceousPerennial it's so bad that we wish time away but it's hard not to when it's on your mind all the time. I wish I could just skip to ovulation until I get pregnant again! That did make me laugh about the calculator! Do I remember correctly that you conceived fairly quickly last time given the long cycles?

@samilicious the grief from it is so tough as its not just a loss but a future you never got to have. The most difficult part for me is the loss of time and potentially family members not being around for it all. I'll never get that time back.

@moosey89 sorry you've been ill! Must be so frustrating getting ovulation when you're away.

@13lucy yeah last time was cycle 2 I fell pregnant so hoping very much that it happens quickly again. Albeit with a healthy one this time 🤞 I’m feeling exhausted by it all today, a live baby feels a long way away. How are you doing?

Got my test results back yesterday - all normal which is a relief, even the blood sugars which was the one I was really worried about. I still feel like the PCOS is probably to blame somehow but feeling a bit more open to it just being bad luck. I don’t know which is easier to blame to be honest! Just got to keep plodding on and hoping for the best.

I have just come on here and found this reply that I never sent I was sure I sent it
That sounds amazing @moosey89 , you have been through alot lately and are still healing so I think it's OK to have a little break and relax and enjoy yourself and some lovely food then when you feel ready you can take steps to loose those few pounds ready for any help you might need, but I hope you don't even get that far before you get a bfp.
And as to your recent message, oh no, that's awful, are you out of hospital now? When do you go home? x

@13lucy i understand the wishing time away and being frustrated by the amount of time and being back at square 1, I'm on cycle 11 since the last loss which has never happened before... I am 36 and wonder is that why it is taking so long, I think we all have the same fears don't we.
That was good being out with your friend and baby, I'm sure it was hard but good in that it's another difficult milestone that you have completed. Really hope ovulation is soon for you so you can get back to ttc and feel more in control x

Yes that's definitely a line 🙂@purplecolouroffunk congratulations 🎊 x

Infidelity clinic 🤣 aw your poor hubby @Jingleq Yes please tell us any funny stories I love a good laugh. How are you doing now? x

@samilicious hi! Oh yes I see the chart, I'm really not sure, it is confusing. Did you get dtd enough around your roughly fertile time? I got my peak opk a day later, on cd 13 instead of 12, was thinking maybe the NAC... anyway, I'm going to take anything that's different from my usual as a good sign as not much else for it. Cd14 today so ovulation today, we dtd yesterday and the day before but don't really have the energy tonight again... hoping that's enough. x

Great the tests are all good i know it's frustrating not having a reason but good that you can try again without as much worry I think? @HerbaceousPerennial where are you with things now? x

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I feel so so desperate to be pregnant again and hopeful all the time but also at the same time because so much time has passed it's so hard to imagine getting a positive test and then life past that now... if that all makes sense. I know that sounds very negative just wondered did anyone else have the same crazy mix of emotions and feelings? xx

Hi everyone. I keep popping in here hoping to read that you've got your BFP's @Ladyinpink1 and @samilicious, sorry to see that's not the case yet.

I'm only cycle 5 since the MC and still not pregnant yet. Been very up and down but went back on citalapram which I think has helped. GP is doing some blood tests and semen analysis so that's good they're doing that.

Sorry to see so many people return after more MC's. Sending you all much love.

@Ladyinpink1 I think because we all hear about people who conceive quickly, it's always a worry when it takes longer. Are you going to speak to your GP if it takes more than a year? I totally feel the same way about feeling desperate to be pregnant. Even had a bit of a tear last night as I was remembering how it felt a few weeks back and now nothing. Boobs no longer sore, no feeling in my tummy which makes me feel so sad and empty. Got to try and stay positive as the likelihood is that it will happen and I really hope it sticks next time.

@Ladyinpink1 thank you.

Yep made it home safe and sound. No idea what it was but felt horrific!

I'm now into the usual old cycle of tww, which would mean AF coming back 5 1/2 weeks post surgery. Honestly so frustrated that I'm back here again. Hoping and praying it won't take another 9 months of trying like last time (and of course that it actually sticks!). I'm losing faith that I will ever have a successful pregnancy or easy conception.

@moosey89 glad you got back ok. It's so hard to see it working out, especially when you haven't had a successful pregnancy before. I really struggle with not knowing whether it will ever work out, whether there's a problem or how long it will take to conceive. I think we are lucky that we've conceived within a year so that's definitely a positive.

I'm back from holiday now and feel like I've just been holding back the tears as didn't want to get upset in front of DH family. So fully expecting some tears over the next few days/weeks.

Still overthinking everything about the miscarriage and whether it was anything I did. Even now have so much anxiety over whether to take hayfever tablets in case it affects my cycle. Good news is my temp has dropped to pre ovulation levels today so hopefully a good sign.

@samilicious off to see Foo Fighters tomorrow and hoping I can hold it together - I've been trying to avoid music as it brings up too much emotion! Hope you had a good time on Wednesday.

@13lucy oh bless you - you didn't do anything to cause it. I know how hard it is to not overthink!

I realllllly don't want to spend up to another year trying again. I know it counts as "normal" but when it's been years and years already with nothing to show for it, I think I am getting more impatient. Not getting any younger either, this journey has already limited me to looking at only having one child as I don't think I could go through this again and I'd most likely be over 40 to try for a second and the risks being higher, given what I've already gone through....I just can't see anything working! And this is of course assuming I can even have 1. I never imagined I'd be in this position, still can't quite believe how hard the journey has been. Feeling a little sorry for myself today!

@moosey89 totally understandable! I've been thinking the same way as well and you never think you'd beed to factor in all the extra time! Never expected to be in this position, and didn't realise so much time could disappear in the process, but wasn't ready for kids before we started trying and kicking myself for it now.

I think there should be much more support for people in this situation - it's the worst thing I've ever been through. Do you know if there's anything else you can do to help with things? Hopefully you get some answers with the testing too x

@HerbaceousPerennial these things are so weirdly emotionally complicated, definitely shouldn't feel guilty. I felt the loss of my 6w miscarriage that happened quickly and naturally a lot harder than my 16w TFMR and I cannot explain why in a lot of ways. I saw them move, could have found out their sex, had a big fucking medical ordeal. Our brains understand it I'm sure. I think it's just proof again that loss isn't material necessarily, it's the idea we had in our heads. The former was my first ever pregnancy, the latter was after a lot of baby loss grief counselling. Hard not to judge ourselves but just got to go with the flow on these things and try and be kind to ourselves. Hope that's made you feel less guilty ♥️ good on you for letting it out and blocking the cafe people out of your periphery. Glad your results were normal, no answers is mighty annoying though!

@13lucy that's so tough, especially people potentially not being around to see stuff. We all have an idea of first meetings and things in our heads don't we, such a big part of becoming parents and having children. Foos was last night and they were bloody brilliant! Emotional set with Taylor's son drumming and Dave's daughter singing about his mum/her grandma. Hopefully this heads up makes it less intense!

@Ladyinpink1 definitely with you there. Can't imagine it at all. I'm starting to fully give up on it now, just want to enjoy my life and everything I have today and feel like being truly grateful is impossible when ttc. Think we were way too early dtd this time, I'm taking the chart as ovulating later than I thought. Which is what happened when we conceived our DD. DH hasn't been in the mood. Think the stress of losing jobs and my MIL being ill impacting stuff

@UrsulaSings123 lovely to see your name pop up, been wondering how you've been getting on. Tests sound good - I've had them and now been referred to a gyno so will see how that goes

@moosey89 sorry you're feeling down today - understandable that it's getting to you after everything you've been through. I know 40s pregnancies get a lot of bad rep but look at Katherine Ryan - she had loads of baby losses and had 2 around 40. I think a lot of people have them back to back then which is a lot, but definitely doable with other benefits

@samilicious yeah it's true - I think that because I've already had 3 losses and taken a while to get pregnant, plus my egg reserve is low, higher risk of abnormalities etc, I've always just not wanted to have to be pregnant in my 40s if that makes sense.

I think I'm at the point now where I really fully giving up and trying to figure out what that means. Might carry on with supplements and being healthy, but fully switching off from trying to DTD more/around certain times. I just feel so tired of it all. It's so draining isn't it

Also was thinking tonight - I always worry about age gaps. A very considerate mum mutual friend was ranting about how bad big age gaps are at a soft play the other day, holding a beautiful newborn in her arms. My close friends looked over at me in horror as she was talking as we'd literally just spoken about it separately. Now I'm a diehard pacifist - but in that moment I swear I could have punched her jaw clean off. However... I digress... agegap realisation. When I was 10, my cousin was born and she was my obsession. I loved her dearly like a sibling and still do. So age gap smage gap I say

@moosey89 oh yeah totally makes sense - sorry didn't mean to downplay anything. Absolutely horrible having to come to terms with everything and implications later down the line. Hope you're ok - having a good wallow in feeling crap as recommended by @HerbaceousPerennial 's mum is definitely a good way to go when you're feeling down

@samilicious oh don't worry I understood what you meant 😊 for me adoption has always been a serious option (even before loss 2) so I'm ok with looking at that route, just don't like feeling like the choices I have are being taken away from me.

Hi @UrsulaSings123 thank you. Sorry you dont have a bfp yet either, that's great they are doing tests, did they let you know when you would get the tests? x

@13lucy yes exactly, I feel like it happens quickly for so many too. It's so sad, i'm really hopeful for you that you will be pregnant again very soon.
I have dc already so not sure if I would be eligible for anything but I might make an appointment at the GP and ask. I also have been considering taking antihistamine a few days lately too. I know it can dry up cm so as long as your not around ovulation time when you need your cm then i think should be ok? x

@moosey89 I'm glad you are ok now. So you are in the tww now too? Did you manage to get dtd much over your fertile time? I really hope you don't have long to wait, you definitely deserve your happy ending very soon x

@samilicious it only takes one little sperm to have lasted a few days and waiting around. Plus they say dtd before ovulation to have sperm waiting is best, hopeful for you. When is your af due?
I'm sorry things are so stressful atm. And that wasnt very considerate of her to say. I completely disagree about big age gaps, my dc2 is 4½ now and although initially was 2½ when we started trying, so the age gap has massively increased, but I would be really happy about this bigger age gap now because it makes it much easier to have a more independent older child, they can help you out, are more likely to dote on the baby. Plus then you get 1 on 1 time to actually enjoy your next baby and all the stages while your other dc is in school etc or playing independently x

@samilicious thanks for the heads up! Had a good old cry last night so hopefully will hold it together tonight! Yeh it's so hard to come to terms with and the sadness of it all. Feel as though it's becoming less and less likely that my grandparents will be great grandparents now and regret not starting sooner. I have so much envy for my friends who have had a one and done (concieved on first try and smooth pregnancy). They must have a totally different view of it all.

@moosey89 if it's any help, I think you're doing amazing given everything you've been through. One of the hardest parts is not having any definitive answers in terms of what the future holds. DH has been brilliant in terms of his mindset while I'm just angry and sad. He said even though others have it straightforward that our path is different and what's meant to be won't pass us by.

@Ladyinpink1 I took an antihistamine yesterday and now my BBT has gone up so that's the next thing to feel anxious about! Probably unrelated but everything makes me worry at the moment. Just want my cycle to return so I can try again! Always worth speaking to your GP just to see. I don't like saying this but I've found female GPs to be more understanding especially as mine has been through similar.

Still wondering whether to bite the bullet and get private tests done just in case there's something wrong. I'm not sure what it will cost but might enquire?

@13lucy thank you, I really appreciate that. Doesn't help that my other half got let go this month either so we're struggling through a lot, along with my dad likely having Alzheimer's. It's a really difficult time.

@Ladyinpink1 just twice - once at the start and once at the end as unfortunately I was away right over the middle 🙈 not optimistic but at least we tried!

@samilicious thank you so much for your message, it’s made me feel a lot better. I really appreciate it. I too had a fair amount of counselling after my first loss and maybe that’s why the second one has been less awful - the first was just a massive shock and really complicated which made it worse. The mind is a funny old thing. Feel you on the toll of TTC - being in limbo is a nightmare. My GP told me very gently last time that their recommendation is always just healthy lifestyle, vitamin D and folic acid, and sex 2-3 times a week as the best way to conceive as tracking etc can be so stressful, although she knows it’s easier said than done. I try to remember this when I'm freaking out about when ovulation might be for me, it’s like pin the tail on the donkey. With a huge donkey and a tiny tiny pin 😂 I was quite worked up about the age gap for a while and whilst it’s obviously going to be bigger than I wanted I have friends with up to 7 years age gap and the sibling relationship is very strong. My youngest brother is 4.5 years younger than me and I get on better with him than our middle brother does, and they only have just over two years between them. So I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not better or worse, it’s just different. Other advantages! Hope you are doing ok, you’ve a lot on your plate. Glad foo fighters was good!

@Ladyinpink1 I’m on CD9 at the moment and whilst I’ll typically not ovulate until c. CD28 I’m starting to fret slightly in case it’s ‘normal’ this month, and simultaneously in case it’s even later as I have been pretty ill plus I’ve still got a tiny bit of bleeding from period which doesn’t feel right. I’ve had some sort of cough/cold back to back more or less since the miscarriage but this week it’s been really bad. I think I’m run down to be honest. I totally empathise with the desperation to be pregnant and feeling like that chance is just slipping further and further away.

@13lucy enjoy foo fighters tonight! Maybe even if it’s super emotional that won’t necessarily be a bad thing, better out than in. Although get that it would probably not be ideal and you’d prefer to enjoy yourself! What private tests are you thinking of? Sometimes it helps just to feel a bit more in control I find so may be worth doing that just to put your mind at rest if nothing else.

@moosey89 that sounds so so tough. I’m so sorry you’re going through that with your dad, it’s a very difficult journey and you have my complete sympathy (my aunt had a rare form of dementia at a relatively young age). Sounds very hard with your partner too. Hope you are taking good care of yourself.

@moosey89 the alzheimers society are really helpful, if it turns out your dad does get diagnosed, definitely give them a call to see what support they can give you. Sorry you're having such a shit time.

@Ladyinpink1 I've had the day 3 blood test. Am away when it would be the second blood test at the end of my cycle so annoyingly will have to wait for next cycle. Also been referred for a scan as my cycles just haven't returned to normal and my 'periods' are just less than 2 days of spotting.

@samilicious can I just ask why they referred you to gynea? Were the test results off or something? I'm having a day 3 and day 21 test atm which I remember you had before. Except for me it's day 19 because my cycles are only 23 days long atm.

Just about to go on holiday for 2 weeks tomorrow and due my period towards the end of the holiday so I'm glad I'll be busy. I don't do pregnancy tests anymore, just wait for my period. Pregnancy testing is too upsetting.

@moosey89 sorry to hear that. A family members dementia diagnosis is so hard to go through, along with the stress of TTC/miscarriage. Go easy on yourself. Dementia UK are also great - they have dementia specialist nurses available on their support line even if you just want some advice or to chat.

@HerbaceousPerennial @samilicious Foo Fighters were great and ended up getting into the front pit which was good fun. Would have been a very different night if I was still pregnant (though would have done anything to still be).

@HerbaceousPerennial was thinking of having a consultation which is about £300 and then see what they recommend. I just can't get my head around just 'being unlucky' twice in a row with no previous successful pregnancy. I think I wouldn't forgive myself if there was a cause and I went on to have another miscarriage before finding out. I know the feeling with irregular cycles! Makes TTC so much harder!

@UrsulaSings123 good that you're getting away on holiday. Are you off somewhere nice? Sorry to hear that your periods haven't gone back to normal. What sort of scan are they doing? Did you have surgery for the miscarriage? I had very light periods last time round so wondering what will happen this time, it didn't stop us conceiving.

I think you are right @13lucy I should go to the GP if this cycle is unsuccessful again. Yes I agree for any "women things" a female gp is def better.
I'm not sure about cost of private tests. How are you today? Did your temp go back down again? x

I'm really sorry to read about your dad, that's awful. And your dh too, I hope he is able to find something soon @moosey89 x

@HerbaceousPerennial I'm sorry you haven't been well, sounds like your body is run down from everything, how are you feeling now? Are you tracking with opks or anything incase ov arrives when you aren't expecting? x

@UrsulaSings123 also not testing this cycle... for the first time ever lol had an awful cycle last month with a false positive and lots of symptoms.
That's good you are getting a scan, I hope you can get some answers and help.
2 weeks away sounds lovely, where will you be going on holiday? x

@13lucy yes I had surgical management. It's an ultrasound scan. I know someone else who went to foo fighters the other day. Sounds like you had a great time. We're going to Devon and Cornwall.

@Ladyinpink1 I have one DS and as I'm over 35 I went after 6 months to the GP, saying I wasn't sure if they could do anything for me, but she said no there is, it's only IVF I wouldn't be eligible for. But they can still do tests and refer to a consultant if anything is amiss and prescribe medication and stuff. So that's why I'm having the blood tests and ultrasound and my partner is having the semen analysis. Then if they find anything they can refer on. But then I'm guessing the waiting list is very long. I haven't asked about that yet. But my point is I think it's worth just speaking to the GP. I thought you were referred to a specialist at the hospital though? How did that all go as that was a few months ago now.