CD1 ttc after loss carry on thread #3

[Ladyinpink1]

I went to reply and you were right, the thread was full so I couldnt post a link to a new thread, also, because it's a new thread it wont give me a prediction to tag when I type a name, so I have just copied and paste the names off of everyone who posted on the very last page of the thread, I hope anyone else can find it OK. Sorry, maybe there is an easier better way... if anyone else can remember extra names and spellings, please tag 🙂

@samilicious

@Wise0wl

@ThelastRolo20

@13lucy

@Bugdem123

@HerbaceousPerennial

I'm glad you feel a little better @purplecolouroffunk and yes, Jan would be a hard time with no money etc, you are right, got to think of the positives. Oh really, no way, that's crazy, yes my dream wasn't a bad one either and I am feeling so much hope this cycle anyway so that has just added to it.

Sorry about af coming, I feel good about this new cycle for you too x

@Ladyinpink1 thanks, your rant did help! I feel like there are just babies everywhere at the moment, it’s like death by a thousand cuts isn’t it. One comment is fine. Two are fine. Even a dozen are fine. But I’m finding whole conversations, whole events where I’m putting on a brave face, not pitching in with my pregnancy stories because I feel it’s awkward for people when they know neither of them worked out, nodding and smiling at all the comments, trying not to calculate how old my babies would be vs all the others… it’s exhausting. A lot of mental energy. And that’s when people are kind and understanding!

@purplecolouroffunk @Ladyinpink1 ah the dreams! Yours sound quite hopeful, fingers crossed a good sign for you both

I know @HerbaceousPerennial , there are definitely babies and pregnancies everywhere right now, I think either there is a baby boom or else it's because we are hyper sensitive to it... I'm going with baby boom lol.
Yes that's it exactly and we are trying to spare other people's feelings when really we should just speak up and say yes I feel awful, this is sad for me, my baby would of been "xyz" right now.
I have never done that and actually spoke up either lol but I would love to have the guts to do it x

@Ladyinpink1 exactly! Although it does depend who it is, sometimes I do just say it if it’s someone I trust. But then sometimes they look so sadly at you, or with sympathy or pity, and then I get upset. That’s awkward then in a public setting, I don’t really like crying in front of people. The other thing I find is that I almost want to shock people with it, like I want to give them a blow by blow account of what’s actually happened just to see their reaction. Like a fuck you, this is what it’s actually like. This is why I’m not ok. No it’s not like a period. Yes you can be in and out of hospital for 3 months miscarrying. And then have it happen again. No you don’t ‘just know’ I’ll get a baby at the end of it all, nobody knows that. I haven’t done the rage reaction to anyone though, probably for the best! Nobody has said anything to set it off or anything, I’m just quite angry about it all in general really. Clearly.

@purplecolouroffunk sucks it was your scan day too. I think that desperation is natural, I definitely had it too, though that doesn't make it feel any nicer. Then had a good few months of hiding from ttc "trying not trying", now back with full force positivity that it is going to happen and looking after myself as best I can to make it so. We'll see what phase is next 😂 I'm sure you'll be much quicker to catch than me. They say fertility changes around 37 not 30 now, and most of egg quality is determined what you do 3-6 months before conception vitamin/BPA and phthalate exposure-wise if that makes you feel any better ♥️ it's still so fresh, dreams are our body's ways of processing things I think

@HerbaceousPerennial ugh tell me about it - my DH did an "experiment" on devices listening to us by shouting "cat food" into his phone every few hours. Sure enough, he got an ad for cat food on social. Minutes spent on TTC research: zero. I might start shouting "fertility" and "semen quality" into his phone to see if it does the same 😉 you've had so much on your mind, it will take you by surprise. I think we're extra hard on ourselves sometimes because we feel like we're failing and getting something wrong. You're doing so bloody well considering all you've got on. I'm the same in 2/3 of my friendship groups. In the 3rd, one of them had a molar loss recently (would be second) and I'm sure another in the group is about to announce. Happened so much you think I'd be bloody used to it by now but nope

@Ladyinpink1 in the night is a good theory! Don't think using a mixture of test types helped either. I feel like something is going on hormonally different for me this cycle because it's the first one taking all my new vitamins. Interested to see when, how long and heavy AF is if nothing else! Pacing yourself dtd is a good strategy. I wonder what the maca will do to your cycle this time?! Good feeling about you soon too. So annoying the ladies in your family are like that. My friend was like that, assuming things would be fine, then ended up with a molar. Your dream is so interesting! Manifesting that BFP 🙌🏻

On speaking up @HerbaceousPerennial @Ladyinpink1 - I have started to when asked 'do you think you'd have another?' I just say 'well fingers crossed - we were meant to, due last July, but it didn't work out. Still trying, feels like it's taking forever!'
Even just saying that makes me feel so much better. Working up courage to say it anecdotally as well without being too much of a negative Nancy but still getting it off my chest in a decent way. Sounds absolutely ridiculous I know and totally downplays the sheer misery of it all, but makes me feel less left out and ends on a good note that can start a light hearted chat at a baby event, saying the unspoken. I think people want to say something nice sometimes but they don't know how so they just ignore it and that makes it worse

Sorry double essaying today!

@samilicious this is a very good way of putting it. I’ve said before when people have asked that I’d love another one but it’s not happened yet, which always feels a bit unsatisfactory, I think because it doesn’t cover what’s happened. I like the idea of being truthful but upbeat about it, might steal this phraseology as I have a tendency to make awkward jokes when I’m uncomfortable and I think if I tried to do it on the hoof it might come out oddly! I agree, I think most people are just trying to be nice when they ask about these things so I don’t want to release the rage beast at them! I’m never actually angry at people who say the wrong thing, I’m just angry in general. Thanks for being so kind. We all have a lot on our plates and this thread has been so good for me. Massively appreciate everyone on here!

Also, I spoke to a Tommy’s midwife today about things I should speak to my GP about on the miscarriage front and it was so useful. Guessing lots of folk on here have been in touch with them but this was my first time contacting them and it’s made a big difference to how I feel about things.

@HerbaceousPerennial I definitely get the anger element and I really resent people who have a positive TTc/pregnancy experience. I can't understand why anyone would do a baby shower or gender reveal when there's so much that can go wrong! I think it's because that's been taken from me that it comes out as anger and resentment to others.

I spoke to Miscarriage Association but not Tommy's. I've heard good things though.

@Ladyinpink1 it's so true about being hyper sensitive to it. I'm managing a lady at work who is due in a few months and feel like such a bad manager for not really talking about her pregnancy. Luckily we did have a 'moment' when she told me about the pregnancy and said she had a miscarriage the pregnancy before and I told her I'd been through the same thing, so I know deep down she will understand.

@HerbaceousPerennial ditto on the rage thing, and the awkward jokes thing 😂 it's taken a lot of awkward overshares to get to this point of phraseology. I've never actually spoken to Tommys before, so glad they could help you feel better

@13lucy I remember you talking about the person you're managing - so sweet you got to have that moment together. I think you're doing really well considering - if you forced yourself to be all OTT about the pregnancy stuff it might have come out a bit false so staying quiet deffo better, especially in a professional setting. How are you doing?

@samilicious thank you, it's tough trying to be professional with it all but I do feel my heart sink every now and then!

Doing ok thanks, starting to look forward to Foo Fighters now as it's not long away! How are you?

@HerbaceousPerennial I loved reading your inner voice, I completely relate to it, and glad it's not just me. Also I'm fed up with people telling me to "just relax" and it will happen, I feel like screaming. And I'm quite angry at times too, also frustrated and sad and deflated .... but hopeful! 😂x

Different is good I think @samilicious in what way does it feel different, i mean is it a certain feeling, or something you can pinpoint? What cd are you now again?
I know, I think it will maybe it will be the same, I did have quite alot of ewcm today (cd10) which would match up with normal peak at cd12.
oh that's a really good way of saying it I might try that too x

She def will understand then @13lucy and I'm pretty sure we will always understand too and remember how we feel right now and to try to be understanding with others when we are pregnant... which is going to happen soon, for all of us 🙂. How have you been? x

Sorry @13lucy I was typing that reply for about 40 minutes in between watching a TV show and by the time I posted it you have already said how you are 🤣 Glad you are good x

@Ladyinpink1 indeed! It gives you a different perspective for sure. Haha I'm still ok, just always finding something or other to worry about! Hope you're doing ok too?

@samilicious oh good, glad it’s not just me! Worst one was joking about a loyalty card at the EPU - not good. I think they must be used to people saying slightly weird things in shock though. Anyway I will spare friends and acquaintances now and use your tried and tested format, thanks. What CD are you? Are you still feeling hopeful? Hope your MIL is doing ok.

@13lucy sounds like you’re doing a great job as manager - I think it’s really good to just be human with people though and your team member probably really appreciated your honesty. How are you getting on at the moment?

@Ladyinpink1 thank goodness it’s not just me either! I was a bit shocked when I read it back that I sounded so bitter, but it is I think very common to feel this way. I just think people tend not to say it for fear of upsetting people. I am very not relaxed at the moment 😂 but each time I’ve fallen pregnant I have actually been ‘relaxed’ because I thought I’d missed the boat or whatever. So it’s right, but basically impossible. Like trying to not stress when you’re actually pregnant again! I am hopeful too though. It’s lovely when I get these little bursts of positivity so I’m trying to hang on to them.

@HerbaceousPerennial thank you, it hasn't been easy! I'm not usually not very open with things but the miscarriage has made me work on it.

I'm doing alright thanks, just trying not to overthink things too much. How are you doing?

Hello all, hope everyone is good and looking forward to the bank hol weekend, i had some port tonight

(having faith it was all the m&ms that made me ill last time @samilicious lol) x

@13lucy I'm good thank you, got my peak opk last night and this morning so should ovulate tomorrow I think, dtd last night, this evening, and hoping to dtd tomorrow and that will be quite enough for the fertile week.
Where are you in your cycle? Sorry if you have already said, it's hard to keep track. x

@HerbaceousPerennial of course, and we have a right to be bitter when we need too, as you said people in real life don't talk about it enough. I have lots of hope. Made changes this cycle so at least feeling like I'm doing something x

Ugh I'm probably symptom spotting but I feel so down tonight. Worse than I have in so long and nothing really prompted it - just want to cry but can't. Just suddenly hit me that we nearly lost one of my favourite people, found out my job/company was in danger this week, found out I didn't get any of the jobs I spent ages applying for, my friend in the remaining non-pregnancy-friendgroup is going to announce her second pregnancy tomorrow (heads up from baby daddies) and no idea what's going on in a few weeks with childcare/work with my MIL out. First world probs and trying to stay posi for good ttc vibes but suddenly feel like I've been hit by a bus :( this happened with a previous preg and subsequent loss too (lovely symptom - existential dread/depression)

@HerbaceousPerennial hahahaha! I'm sorry but I love the EPU joke, if we can't joke about it we'll only cry. Sometimes I call our tfmr "the wonky one" - I have no idea why, it hurts my soul, but feel like making light of it will make it lighter. Feeling hopeful but annoying because I haven't in so long - tww is becoming agony. Halfway through it - CD20 today.

@Ladyinpink1 different just in terms of ovulation not being clear, and just in how I'm feeling in general. Until today, felt so much more energised and not had as many mood swings or memory/mind fog moments. That's deffo more down to the food and step count uppage though. Also I'm deffo symptom spotting but I still BF my 3 year old before bed and there was nothing there today. I might even test early this month just so I don't get my hopes up 😅 that's good that your body is showing all the good fertile signs at a normal time! If I've ovulated early I'm a bit scared, ovulated really early when I had TFMR and later when I had DD 😕 yay so happy about the port! Are you able to dtd different times of the day this cycle? Managed to dtd in the morning that one time as well as evening so hoping that helps (my mate's theory)

@13lucy oh no doubt at all how tough it is! I wouldn't manage half as well as you have. I know, how quick has that time gone?! Which one are you going to again? I'm London on 20th but live nowhere near London 🤪 going with my much neglected long distance uni bff. Are you excited for it? Something to break up the waiting game over the next few weeks at least xx

@samilicious I still lurk on here but just wanted to jump on to say I am so sorry you’re feeling down and is it any wonder with so much on?! You’re dealing with so much, and it’s enough to knock the strongest person for six.

I have no solutions for you but to say that I hope you MIL recovers soon, and the work news is shit but a job is a job and in all likelihood something will come up, even if it’s badly timed with TTC and not the right job long term, but a stopgap.

I have no solutions to the friends thing, it’s just shit. Even though I’m pregnant I still find the giddy glee and lack of concern of so many announcements astonishing and a bit of me rages that now I’ll never have a pregnancy so blissfully unaware of anything going wrong.

Sometimes all you can do is take things step by step and day by day, and make sure you give yourself some TLC and cut yourself a bit of slack in the meantime. Sending love xx

I'm really sorry, @samilicious there has been alot going on for you, and I'm sorry about the jobs too, you sound like a really lovely, clever and witty person on here so I'm anoyed at those stupid other jobs for not seeing the asset to their company right on front of them!
Although maybe it's good you are still in your steady job right now if this all feels like a familiar symptom, along with there being nothing there when bf (so that your maternity leave will be all good instead of trying to work it out in a new company).
When is af due? Thats good the healthy eating etc has helped, hoping a lovely healthy egg is doing it's thing right now!
My temp rose this morning so I must have ovulated yesterday, or through the night, will put tv on for dc and wake dh now for morning dtd on your mates advice.🤣 Well i think the egg hangs around for 12 - 24 hours so to be fair now is prob the best time.
It's lovely doing bbt again, i missed the certainty of timings x

Hi @Wise0wl how are you doing? x

@13lucy not overthinking is so hard! I think early pregnancy after loss and TTC have so many similarities, basically just constant symptom spotting and hoping for the best really. Hope you are coping ok.

@Wise0wl glad you are still lurking! Hope everything is going ok for you too - I still pop over to the grad thread occasionally too just to see how folk are doing.

@Ladyinpink1 chuckled when I read your post, DH loves a port and I had a sneaky sherry last night because I am down with the cool kids. I have a special glass which makes me feel extra fancy and puts me in a good mood! Sounds like the port put your eggs in a good mood too and hope your DH appreciated his wake up call, fingers crossed it’s done the trick!

@samilicious really felt for you reading your update pal. You have so much going on and you’re doing a great job managing, it’s no wonder it hits you sometimes. It’s a lot. My mum believes in what she calls the power of the wallow, which basically means sometimes you’ve just got to go with how you’re feeling, and really indulge it and yourself until you feel a bit better. She was seriously ill last year and says this was one of her coping mechanisms. I think she is a wise lady. Also I’m glad you enjoyed the EPU joke, it didn’t land very well at the time but it tickled me! For me too a dark joke helps, it really does hurt the soul (I think this a beautiful way of putting it), but I’d rather laugh than cry all the time. Hope you are doing ok today, or if not, having a good wallow x

Also I have been having all the pregnancy symptoms last couple of days, did a pregnancy test and an OPK and both were stark white negative. So I’m hoping this means AF might be on the way which would be almost aligned to a normal
person’s cycles 🤞

Hello @Ladyinpink1 I have everything crossed for a successful fertile window for you 🤞 and @HerbaceousPerennial I hope your symptoms are a good sign of a normal cycle!

I’m doing ok. Feeling very grateful for a good 12 week scan earlier this week, but still feeling a bit paralysed with fear of things going wrong and not quite feeling ready to tell people just yet. But I don’t know when I will (or if I will?) so currently trying to work that through.

Hope you all have nice plans for the bank holiday weekend? X

@HerbaceousPerennial ha ha you and your dh are as rock and roll as us then 👴🏻👵🏻
I love a wee port but I know it's classed as an "old person drink", I will need to try a sherry next I think 😀
I'm not sure if you were on the thread at the time but I had read a study of ladies ttc and the ones that had wine were way more likely to concieve than ladies who didn't have wine so I have started having some port around my fertile time.
This will be your first cycle I think? How are you feeling about that? And how have you been doing lately? x

I'm really pleased to hear about your successful 12 week scan, that is a really brilliant milestone to hit, although I can imagine the anxiety and worry is hard to forget, pregnancy after loss is so complicated. @Wise0wl will you book another scan soon or wait until 20 weeks? x

@Wise0wl thankful for your lurking ♥️ and kind words. Lots of love to you too xxx

@Ladyinpink1 aww your message was so sweet thank you ♥️ feel like a proper silly billy being so down in the dumps last night and sharing my life story on here 😂 like you guys don't have enough to worry about. Ooh that's amazing you managed to pick up ovulation! I'm definitely temping next time. God bless screens in those moments! You've converted me on the certainty stuff, helps you feel more in control doesn't it

Might be TMI but has anyone ever had thrush as an early preg symptom before? My Estefan is definitely high at the moment whatever is going on, with that and no bmilk

Also which tests do you guys use? Thinking of testing early this time to put me out of my misery. Used to use FRER but don't want to go back after that evap line debacle