POAS come on you rainbows

[bringmearainbow]

@bunnykins123 @curliegirlie @FfoxRedN @LuckyMoonstone @TheBirdintheCave
@calimc83 @Indianna2006 @Angelselevenx @ExMrsGrealish

@TheBirdintheCave ahh how lovey 😍 congratulations lovely xxx ❤️

Really struggling at the moment. I just keep convincing myself that this baby is definitely a boy because we didn't tell the 20 week sonographer straight away that we didn't want to know (I assumed she would be professional and ask us) and I panicked when I saw her get to legs and something in between (at first I assumed it was the top of the legs and the cord) and all she said was 'Oh, well look away in a minute then' and 'You can't really tell unless you know what you're looking for' (which is not true as I'd Googled many scan pics of babies undercarriages before) but then never told us to look away after that (so I must be right and we were looking at the "potty shot" and she saw what she needed to to confirm boy) we had to close our eyes ourselves just in case.

Sonographer for 28 weeks was much nicer and said she'd tell us when to look away but then again... didn't. I'm thinking maybe she just didn't go down to that area though we have the femur length so she must have been able to see somehow.

I feel like the first sonographer has ruined everything. I don't want another boy. I just really, really don't and it's so hard to watch everyone around me get girls easily. I keep hoping the baby will just disappear and feel so horribly detached from it when it wriggles and kicks me. I want to escape my own body. I feel like I made a huge mistake getting pregnant again.

Our whole lives are going to have to change when it's born. I'm going to have to sell the house, D and I will have to divorce and I'll move home with mum and dad. I guess I'll only see G every few months or so.

Oh I'm so sorry everything is so tough, but everything will be ok somehow. You'll have your baby and fall completely in love.

I didn't know things were rocky with your DH. We're all here if you need to talk xxxx

@curliegirlie They're not. We're perfectly fine at the moment but he doesn't want to give the baby away and I do so we can't stay living together once it's born.

I definitely don't love it and all I can imagine is handing it to someone else once it's born and leaving the hospital.

@TheBirdintheCave are you getting MH support at the moment? It sounds like you really need to work through your feelings and why you feel the way you do. You've been through so much to get this far it's not surprising you're having a wobble. Lots of love and hugs to you xxx

@TheBirdintheCave I don’t wanna be rude but this is a planned pregnancy and you knew you can’t just pick the gender so to want to give the baby away just because it’s another boy is not okay. It’s still your child that you wanted and shouldn’t conceive if in your head it was either a girl or you don’t want it. This group was made for ladies desperately wanting a baby after they lost one but here you are wanting to get rid of it because of the gender. This makes me so angry as I would’ve done anything to still have my baby here.

@curliegirlie I've written to them to ask for another appointment but I don't think they'll reply. I don't see that there's much they can do at this point though as the baby either is or isn't the girl I want.

@emmatcc1 This is an offshoot group made of a small circle of people who moved away from talking on the main miscarriage group. The ladies here are my friends and this is the only place on Mumsnet that I feel safe talking about things like this as they all know about my autism and mental health history and have never judged me for it.

@TheBirdintheCave

Echoing what @emmatcc1 has said.

This group is literally named POAS come on you rainbows of which, I was included at the start of this thread. Quite clearly indicating people who are dreaming of their rainbow baby.

That was a difficult read and it's sad you're feeling like this but I think you need to reach out for some help to work through your feelings and thoughts. Have you had it confirmed that baby is definitely a boy?

@TheBirdintheCave I’m so sorry you are having these feelings. I don’t believe for a second that you actually want to give the baby away, or don’t love it, but I do believe your feelings are valid, because it is your anxiety talking, and perhaps some depression. You don’t want to give the baby away at all, you are trying to rationalise with yourself becuse deep down you are terrified of another loss. And then you are spiralling and it’s getting out of control. Please get some proper professional help, talk as much as you can. To your family, to us. You need to be looked after right now, not vilified. This is such a huge thing that is happening to you, even more so because of the heartache you have already endured. None of those terrible things are going to happen to you. You and your baby are safe, and once you get the care & support you need you’ll see that it doesn’t matter one jot what the sex of the baby is, and deep down you know that.

and everyone on this thread should understand the effect pregnancy can have on our mental health

@TheBirdintheCave imo having mental health issues isn’t an excuse to wanting to get rid of a child because it might be a boy. I also have mental health issues and we’ve all been pregnant and know what it’s like. I agree you should get some help to sort out your feelings. Even if others ladies here don’t say it they all felt hurt reading your post. I barely miscarried 3 weeks ago and still have pregnancy emotions.
It’s normal to feel gender disappointment but not to this point.

@Angelselevenx I know what it means and why we named it POAS back in 2022 when we made the first thread.

And no we've not had it confirmed. I was trying to put it off until the baby was born in case that helped how I felt but I'm pretty sure that sonographer has ruined everything. I don't see how what I saw could be anything different than legs and boy bits.

@LuckyMoonstone It shouldn't matter but it feels like it really, really does. All I ever wanted was a daughter. I was really disappointed when we found out my son was a boy and it very much affected my relationship with him when he was born (and even now he's three to some extent). I just can't stand the thought of being pitied for the rest of my life because I never had a girl. It feels like everyone else gets them so easily. I know so many families with one of each but not many with two girls or two boys.

I can't imagine making a Facebook birth announcement or telling our friends (who all know how much we want a girl) without starting off by saying 'Unfortunately' or 'Sadly.' But anything else would be a lie. And the thought of the mountain of depressing blue cards we'll receive (like last time) or taking it to baby groups with other new mothers so pleased with their little girls whilst I'm stuck with another boy.

After six boys born to my family in recent years (one cousin has three, one cousin has one, I have one and my brother has one) I was so hopeful that I would be the one to finally get the girl. Surely we're due one at some point right? Seemingly not 😣

I'm still waiting to hear back from perinatal mental health but I doubt they'll reply to me as I don't think I'm particularly high priority.

@TheBirdintheCave I think you are scared of feeling the same way again. But instead of resigning yourself to that, you can learn from the past. You know now that you love your existing child for who he is regardless of him being a son or daughter and I promise you it will be the same with this one. No one is going to pity you! My friend has two boys and wouldn’t swap them for the world. I know loads of people with two or three boys actually! It’s never even commented on let alone pitied. Keep pushing for a mental health referral. It might be worth finding out the sex so that you can process all this now and be prepared for when the time comes to give birth. I truly believe you will get past this.

@emmatcc1 she literally started her post with ‘I’m struggling’. This isn’t just a blasé attitude. Antenatal depression is a serious matter. I had it when I was pregnant with my second. I wondered why I felt so different than I did with my first pregnancy, and I felt like a terrible person for it. Just because you know what it’s like the first time round, doesn’t mean it won’t affect you differently next time.

Just jumping in here as I’m curious… and because I can’t quite believe what I’m reading on a public thread where woman have agonised about conceiving desperately wanted rainbow babies after the trauma of repeated loses….what did you think the response to that post was going to be?

A baby of any gender is a baby that deserves to be loved. They didn’t choose to be born, that was your choice. I am sorry you are clearly struggling with your mental health and I really hope the perinatal team get in touch soon because I do feel pity but for that unborn child.

@Ttcdcno1 To my post in a thread that has been going on since 2022 containing a small group of my friends? Support from them. I suppose I should have put this on our Facebook group instead really...

Also I AM one of those women you mentioned. I've lost three babies which is why I'm a member of the POAS threads.

@Supernoodleschickenflavour No idea who you are but if you were a member of this group you'd know that I'm autistic and have depression and anxiety. I don't see the world in the same way as NT people do so a lot of what I say does probably sound very extreme yes. I've never, however, been judged by the ladies I've met here. This has always been a safe space to relieve the burden of the multitude of things I have going round in my head.

Also, I've never understood the notion that those of us who've experienced loss have to suddenly give up any prior preferences.

@Supernoodleschickenflavour My husband was the one who suggested selling the house. I told him I'd still be paying the mortgage but he said he wouldn't need so much space.

After three awful losses I did indeed feel very lucky from when I found out I was pregnant in September right up until around 5pm yesterday whereupon all of sudden my mindset completely changed. Don't know why the flip was then or what caused it but all of a sudden I was completely depressed.