Anyone else TTC after TFMR?

[Downtherabbithole83]

Anyone else on here in the same situation? Would be nice to chat to others who understand.

@AMothersLove123 so sorry you find yourself here as well. It is the worst thing a parent can possibly go through.

I had my TFMR at 17 weeks in March of this year so still very much in the early days as well.

I had a medical TFMR, it was my first baby so don’t have anything to compare it to the way you will. But for me it took me quite a while to give birth to our boy in comparison to what I had been told the “average” time was.
I had bad period pains for about 12 hours with bleeding, and sorry TMI but terrible diarrhoea from the medication. And I then had 3 hours of extremely intense pain which I was told by our midwife were contractions and I then had our boy.
Everything actually came out all in the sac, which meant that afterwards was quite straight forward for me and there was no worry about retained products etc.
I ended up staying in the hospital overnight as I didn’t give birth till just before midnight. And we wanted to spend some time with our son anyway which I am so so glad we did. They are my most cherished memories.

We asked for footprints and handprints which the hospital did for us and I am so glad we have them to look back on.

In terms of recovery I had very minimal bleeding on and off for about 2 weeks. Had no pain afterwards. And my period returned 28 days to the day of me giving birth.

I took about 5 weeks off work and then went back on a phased return. I just couldn’t have motivated myself to actually do anything before then. And really felt like I needed that time to just do what I needed to do to get through that day, whether that was lay on the sofa all day eating chocolate, dragging my dog on ridiculously long walks, or deep cleaning the house. Just whatever I felt I needed.

Whatever you decide to do in terms of seeing your baby, naming, burial/cremation will be what’s best for you. It’s such an individual choice. We decided to name him, just because we find ourselves still talking about him a lot and we didn’t want to just say “the baby” or “him”. To me that felt like I wasn’t acknowledging that he was my child. And we went for a cremation, we have his ashes at home with us. And I also got a necklace with some of his ashes so he is with me everywhere I go.

we also went to see him in the funeral home. My mam crochets a blanket for every baby in the family so she crocheted him a little blanket to have in his coffin, we were also given two little teddies by the hospital one that stayed with our boy and one that we have. My mam also crocheted two little hearts and we have done the same with those. Me, my partner and the grandparents all wrote letters to him which were also placed in his coffin.

I am very much the same as you in terms of wanting to try again. Another baby will never ever replace the baby you lost, they will always have a piece of your heart and you will never ever forget them.

You are doing the bravest thing imaginable. You take on the lifetime of pain so your child never has to feel any. All they know is your love for them ❤️

Sending you so much love and support xx

@AMothersLove123 Im sorry you are going through this. Whatever choice you make is the right one.

I am nearly 1.5 years post TFMR.

I can honestly say I do not regret for a second having the TFMR. Of course I wish with every fibre of my being that my baby had been healthy and I never would have had to make such a decision. I am still sad and angry at the world but I know I did the right thing for my daughter.

I HATE that I had to do it but I could not have inflicted the suffering she would have endured had she been born.

We named her and have her ashes. We donate a bear to Aching Arms on what would have been her birthday and the TFMR anniversary.

It does get easier but I have had a blip a few few months as we continue to have fertility problems (she was my only pregnancy) and I felt very sorry for myself that my only pregnancy ended in this outcome. But it was still the right thing to do and I am proud we did what was right for her despite our personal pain.

I remember feeling what you are saying about almost wishing the doctors would tell you what to do because then it isn’t your choice. I felt the same. What I will say is that while my doctors were totally neutral, once we had confirmed we were going to have the TFMR I could sense they felt I had made the right choice.

@jt130593 “You are doing the bravest thing imaginable. You take on the lifetime of pain so your child never has to feel any. All they know is your love for them ❤️”

Thank you for your very kind words. I’m going to save that for the tough moments ahead, I know there will be many. I am so sorry you went through what you did. Thank you for sharing the personal details of your experience, I’m glad we all have a space here to say the things out loud that we’d struggle to say to those who may not fully understand.

Now that my husband and I have discussed a bit more about the after details I can hopefully focus more on the emotional side of things. Decision day is looming and although we’ve all but made the decision I am still filled with dread, panic and worry and know that when we see him we will have regrets. All our little babies are beautiful, precious and oh so wanted but it’s the bigger picture that we can’t forget in the moment. If we could make the situation different, we would give anything to.

Sending so much strength to you still going through what you are and hope you get some better news soon. It’s the least any of us deserve and although it won’t change what’s happened or replace the little baby we’ve lost, it may bring some light and comfort at the end of a very dark tunnel. x

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay I am so sorry to hear your story and to know you are still having issues with fertility. The time and energy you give to planning for and conceiving a baby are draining to then be met with what we all have, it all just seems unfair and unjust.

It really helps to know that my thoughts are not irrational and we’ve all probably gone through the same motions over and over again. Ultimately, it always comes back to the same outcome and part of me really wishes it didn’t. We watched tonight as our DD played with her Granny and both cried at the thought that our little boy will never get to enjoy that experience - something so simple but so meaningful. The truth is we don’t know if that would even be a possibility regardless of the choice we make; a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of the child we imagined we were having, whilst also grieving for the little baby we now know we are having.

I really really hope you get some good news soon and as I said to the PP, it’s the least you deserve.

Hey everyone! I’m looking for some advice - eyes on my below tests I am about 13dpo and have tested last two days due to my symptoms and I think I have vvvfl however I’m concerned these tests aren’t darker and it means a chemical is on the way or I will miscarriage (I can’t help thinking the worst) I just think these are very faint for this many DPO!! I’m praying so much this is it but can’t believe it at all thank you!! The tests are no darker from yesterday’s ones!

@Pickled24 When was your period due? 13dpo isn’t meaningful without context e.g. how long is your luteal phase usually. If you have a 28d cycle 13dpo is still very early days so the line will be faint.

Your HCG level roughly doubles between 4-6 weeks of pregnancy. I can see you have the easy@home test strips - you can photograph the HCG tests using the test for the LH (ovulation) tests on the Premom app and this will give you the score in comparison to the control line.

I would suggest taking a test tomorrow morning - maybe second wee - and then getting the score. Then do the same 2 days later to see if you can see the score going up and the line getting darker.

I know why you’re worried believe me, but you need to keep the faith and not stress unduly.

Thank you @Rumbleinthecrumble, my periods and lutual phase are always different with my PCOS last month LP was 20 days the two before were 15 days, I will keep testing and see if gets darker.

The anxiety is already kicking in, hoping it sticks, terrified of what’s to come and also I had debilitating sickness so was hospitalised a few times so scared of that again too but to bring a baby home is all I’ve ever wanted - one step at a time need to see if tests get darker first!!

Ah, well the PCOS will make things a little more complicated with understanding when your period was due, apologies if I seemed flippant with that comment. Just realised I didn’t clarify the HCG doubling comment is every 48 hours rather than doubling between week 4 and week 6.

Totally understand the anxiety, but all you can do is take it a day at a time. It is great news, and lots of women have normal, healthy pregnancies without incident - we’ve all been very unlucky.

@AMothersLove123 I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, it is such a hard place to be. I probably speak for all of us when I say experiencing a TFMR is a grief like no other and is very complicated.

You asked about medical management I think? I had to take this route as my NHS trust doesn't provide surgical management over 12 weeks. I was nearly 15 weeks so quite a lot earlier than you. It all happened quite quickly for me - I think within a few hours of the first tablet I had period cramps and then my waters broke and baby followed immediately. Unfortunately my placenta didn't come away so I ended up needing surgery shortly within an hour or after that.

I chose not to see the baby and he/she was cremated at the hospital with other babies who were terminated or miscarried. I was very tormented by that decision leading up to the TFMR but my husband was absolutely certain he didn't want to see him/her and I felt I couldn't go through that on my own. I have since tried to remind myself that they didn't feel anything, didn't know life on the outside, only on the inside and that has been comforting to me. I took 3 weeks off after the TFMR and really felt I needed it as I was so tearful and wanted to pour all my love into my 2 year old son.

My periods were a mess after the TFMR with bleeding between periods, longer cycles and cramping. They returned to normal after 4 cycles and I conceived again. I am now nearly 19 weeks pregnant and it has been an incredibly anxious time but very healing. I had an early anomaly scan at 16 weeks which all looked good so I'm keeping my fingers firmly crossed for the 20 week scan in a couple of weeks.

This is such a complicated and hard time and there is no right/wrong way to deal with it and no right/wrong decisions. Thinking of you and hoping these next days and weeks give you the information you need to make a decision.

@Gingerk1tty thank you so much for sharing your personal story with me and I am truly sorry for what you went through. Congratulations on your current pregnancy, I can only imagine the anxiety that comes with that but I hope that this is a healing process for you and you have a baby safe in your arms in another few months time.

We are STILL awaiting amnio results and with the bank holiday on Monday I am not expecting much to happen until after that. We did get a cardiology referral….for 5 weeks time. It’s almost as if they aren’t expecting us to need it which in itself may be telling but maybe it will take that long to pick up any other abnormalities. You read into every little detail now and I know I will be like this if I was to ever conceive again.

@AMothersLove123 we also had a bank holiday interfere with our tests, it was so frustrating! When did you have the amino?

The doctors thought our baby would have T21 or turners but our CVS came back clear, however they had a huge cystic hygroma and fluid on the stomach, so our outlook was very poor despite no chromosomal abnormalities. They suspected the cause would be a major cardiac problem and we too were offered a detailed cardiac scan several weeks after. I found the decision to terminate immensely difficult without a diagnosis, but ultimately it was right for us.

@Gingerk1tty we had our amnio on Monday, were told results before Friday (today). Every minute just feels like a week. I have called and will call again before the end of day to keep the pressure on, just scared the results sit there over the long weekend.

I think we’ve all made the assumption due to the number of markers, Drs included, that it will be T21 but of course it could really be anything at this stage.

I’m so glad you’re assured that the decision you made was the right one. I know everyone here feels that which is so reassuring and also because there is no official right or wrong, it’s the least worst in that moment. Anyone we know who gave birth to a child with a disability did not have any idea until after birth. I’m convincing myself that we’ve discovered these things now for a reason and that we can take the pain on for our little boy so they never have to feel that.

@AMothersLove123 the waiting is torture really
hope you get an outcome today 🤞🏽
I also just wanted to say sorry if my post after I wrote back to you the day after about my lines on a preg test was insensitive in anyway - pretty sure I’m having a chemical and I maybe should have waited before I posted!

@Pickled24 not at all! Honestly I’m overjoyed for anyone who receives good news and I hope to be back there myself one day. It gives the rest of us hope. Fingers crossed that this isn’t a chemical, I’ve been there before too, it’s horrible to get your hopes up and then dashed again so quickly. Sending positivity your way!

We have received the news we were expecting sadly but it seems a struggle to get anyone to cooperate on a Friday afternoon of a bank holiday weekend to lay out a plan for management. It could be another long and lonely weekend for us now.

@AMothersLove123 I'm sorry you received that news but glad you did get a result before the weekend. Hopefully this also gives you clarity and certainty about your decision.

Our termination took place on a Saturday and I took the pills I think a day or two before. Hopefully your hospital can get things moving for you in a similar way. Once I decided to go ahead with it things moved very quickly.

Thinking of you and admiring your strength in such a tough period. The intensity of it all will calm down in time.

@AMothersLove123 ill start by saying im so sorry you have found yourself in our group, but please know it’s such a supportive and safe space to express whatever you feel you need to, and there is no judgement. I think it’s fair to say I’ve experienced every single emotion you have listed in your message so please know how normal it is the way you are feeling. I also echo what everyone else has said. I’m so sorry you have had the confirming results today - nothing can ever prepare you and im sending you lots of love

im so sorry your little boy is so poorly, and I wish there was something I could do to help him and you. I struggled for a long time with the ‘decision’ to end my pregnancy for a baby I’d longed for and wished for, and took a while to concieve. I can remember feeling the exact same about living in a nightmare. It’s literally the definition of being between a rock and a hard place…. How are they the only 2 options we have…. But ultimately I made the decision for my little boy so he wouldn’t suffer in the future. I felt horrifically guilty for quite a few months, I would say maybe 3/4 months, before I started to be a little more at peace with the decision. The saying ‘we take on a lifetime of suffering so they don’t have to have any suffering’ saw me through, because it’s true. It’s one of the hardest decisions we have to make as parents, and it’s truely cruel the hand we have been dealt.

everyone’s experience is completely different and I would hate for you to compare to my journey, but I will answer your questions because I can sympathise with needing to know answers at this time. My medical procedure went well, I had tablets inserted at around 11am and more every 4 hours, until I gave birth to both baby and placenta at 8pm. I had a lot of bleeding following the birth so did have to say in overnight, and tbh did become quite poorly afterwards following more bleeding from retained products and needed an iron infusion from losing too much blood and becoming anaemic. My care throughout was lovely, and im so glad I chose to go with medical management personally, I think going through the pain/physical birth helped my body and mind to understand what was happening, as weird as that sounds. I chose not to see baby boy, I was scared of what he would look like tbh and I didn’t want to love him any less (which sounds crazy to me now but at the time this was my thought process), I do really regret this now personally and wish I’d had the strength at the time, my partner went into another room to hold and see him so I do take comfort in that. The hospital gave me a memory box and had taken hand and footprints for me, and took pics of him wrapped in a blanket and I will treasure those forever.

you do have to remember, you are doing this for your baby, it’s brutal for you, and you do need to be so kind to yourself and call upon this group whenever you need it. Whatever decisions you make are the right ones for you at that time and everyone is so different, you have to do what gets you through each minute of each day. I miss my little boy everyday and wish I never had to say goodbye, but the pain isn’t breathtaking everyday like it is in those early days, it does get easier to deal with the loss, but my pain hasn’t fully gone away, and i don’t actually want it to because I want to remember him forever.

im so sorry you haven’t managed to get anything sorted today, we had our news on a Friday so I also had to ride out a weekend before getting a plan in place the Monday (appreciate you have that extra day with it being bank hol). I do understand how hard this weekend will be for you. When I rang the Monday, they told me to go straight down for the oral tablets, and then 2 days later on the Wednesday is when I went in to give birth so I hope things progress quickly for you.

here if you need anything or have any questions to help get yourself through this weekend xx

So after about 9 positives on clear blue, first response and strips since Tuesday they got lighter and lighter and today cramping and bleeding so a chemical for me! My first one and I’ve taken it quite badly just I got my hopes up this week after my TFMR thinking this could be it but nope and now I’m just like it will never bloody happen for me! Everyone around me seems to be having their next pregnancy so easily and I’m so gutted - I know chemicals are common but for some reason feel mentally I’ve taken steps back! Sorry rambling just feeling utter crap

@Pickled24 So sorry to read this. Try and see it as a bump in the road rather than the end of your journey.

Just after some advice from people a bit more knowledgeable/experienced with tracking ovulation. This is only my 2nd month doing it, I use the clear blue advanced tests.

On cycle day 12 I got a peak reading, can’t test cycle day 13 with these tests, and then cycle day 14 got low fertility reading but the readers will always give you that after a peak so don’t know how accurate that actually was. Then cycle day 15 I got another peak reading. Couldn’t test cycle day 16, and then repeated low fertility after that.

Should I be classing day 16 as my ovulation date? I know the only way to confirm is with BBT but I’m not doing that at the moment and just wanting to stick with the tests for a bit without adding anything else in to stress me out! I’m just wanting to keep an eye on the length of my luteal phase because it was quite short last month.

First month tracking I only got one peak on cycle day 15 and that was it so getting two peaks days apart has thrown me a bit!

Thank you! And sorry if these are stupid questions I’m still learning about it all 😊

Just wanted to give you a little update and hopefully to help anyone new who finds themselves here in the future 😢

We had a call from a lovely consultant after hours on Friday who talked us through everything. She offered for us to start the process that night or wait until after the bank holiday ie today. In the end we chose to go ahead on Friday. I was admitted to hospital on Sunday for induction. First tablets around 5.30pm, second around 8.30/9. Mild period pains until this point. By 11 I was having contractions and baby girl was born shortly after midnight with gas and air. The consultant had got her gender wrong and mid labour the midwife sat us down and explained the amnio results actually indicated she was a little girl. It gave us a little giggle in an otherwise very upsetting and traumatic situation. We knew it was a little sign from her (among other things that happened that day) that she was a little rascal 💕

She was born still in her sac, the midwife said this was very rare (?), and we watched her as she came in to the world. I know it’s different for everyone but the love I had for her in those moments can never be topped. I held her on my chest for an hour, her dad had a cuddle too. She was just perfect. The whole experience was very healing.

I have to say though, not to scare anyone, but once I came down from my high I started to hallucinate, was very very distressed and it was petrifying. I think the trauma and shock from the previous 2 weeks finally came to a head. They gave me something to calm me to sleep and a few hours later I woke up able to handle my emotions and grieve my little girl. We left the hospital that afternoon and brought our little girl home for a night. I will cherish that night with her forever. We had a little blessing and burial today with our families. I know there will
be many many bumps on our journey ahead but we are currently at ease with her final moments and know how peaceful they were for her. She will never cry a tear in her life or feel an once of pain. Our other little girl will keep us going on the hard days when we will question ourselves.

To all of you for responding to me, and those who shared their stories here, thank you a million times. It’s a lonely and complicated place and you all helped me immensely. 🤍

@jt130593 hey lovely, it’s so confusing and frustrating sometimes when tracking ovulation. I used the clearblue advanced tests also, however once I got my ‘peak’ I didn’t ever test again that cycle so im not sure if what you got is normal or not. What I do know is that everyone is different, some peoples LH peaks and goes back low quickly, while others peak and stay high for a few days, so to me it sounds like you are the latter and you peak and stay high which is why you potentially got your second peak reading. From what I know on ovulation, it occurs 12-36 hours after your first peak of LH, so if I were you I would be going off the first one. When I used the clearblue, I would eject the stick and see what the 2 lines looked like on the test strip. Do you still have it or did you look at that? If the test line is as dark as or darker than the control line on your first peak, I would class it as then. If it’s not, and your second one was, then I’d go with that
so sorry I don’t have a definite answer for you, but I would be inclined to track from the first xx

@AMothersLove123 so lovely to read your and your little girls story, thank you for sharing it on here for us, and for future people to read on. It’s so helpful to have honest and real stories ❤

it sounds like your little girl had a peaceful time, and im glad the hospital treat you well.

sending you lots of love in the raw grief - do whatever you need to get by for now 🫶🏻 your little girl only ever knew love, and it’s all she will ever know xxx

@Pickled24 im so sorry to hear this lovely 😓completely understand the feeling of negativity and like it’ll never happen, you are totally entitled to those thoughts and I know those feelings well. I remember family around me acting like I was dramatic for saying that - but it’s how I felt
TTC is a horrible road anyway, but especially after TFMR because we are so desperate to be pregnant again. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be upset. Sending you lots of love 🩷

@MilkyAndFluffy thank you for your reply! God it’s so confusing isn’t it. Doesnt help that I’m also trying not to Google absolutely everything otherwise I get stressed out and a bit obsessed with reading into everything too much.
But what you said about peaking and staying high seems to make sense as TMI sorry but I had EWCM around the first peak, and one day with a tiny spot of blood. And around the second peak I had nothing.
I didn’t check the lines on the strip 🤦‍♀️ I’ve emptied the bin now as well. But will definitely do that next month! Thank you for the tip xx

@AMothersLove123 I’m so glad they contacted you on the Friday so you didn’t have to wait the bank holiday.

Sounds like your little girl had a peaceful time, and was surrounded by so much love ❤️ you’ve saved her from any pain or upset. You are incredible ❤️

Take care of yourself in these next few weeks, do whatever you need to do to get by. If you need to talk please reach out, I only went through it in March so can remember those early days so vividly.

Sending love to you ❤️