Anyone else TTC after TFMR?

[Downtherabbithole83]

Anyone else on here in the same situation? Would be nice to chat to others who understand.

@MilkyAndFluffy I am rubbish at spotting the lines but I am rooting for you. Is there anyway you can get the Clear Blue Early Detection test that actually spells out ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant’?

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay thanks chick, I know it’s so hard, especially on pics. The line is much more visible in person on the clearblue and came up so quickly!
This is where I admit to being a total psycho….. I did actually get a clearblue digital early too and it said not pregnant, that’s why im doubting it. But I was confused because when I broke open the test (this is the psycho part) I could clearly see 2 lines on the instead test. One very faint but was more obvious that the clearblue non digital test…. So im just so unsure! I hate the limbo of not knowing. Feel like im holding my breath!

@MilkyAndFluffy oh gosh! Hang on in there and wishing you a clearly positive test when you next take one xx

@MilkyAndFluffy got everything crossed for you! Also when I was pregnant the digital “pregnant” didn’t show up for me until a few days after my dark lines so sometimes those tests can take a bit longer! Let us know how you get on will be hoping you get that blazing positive soon

Don’t really know who else to speak to as don’t know anyone who has had a TFMR to know if this is normal or I’m being totally irrational.

We’re two months out from our TFMR now. Felt like I was feeling quite strong, still had my teary moments but overall felt like I was coping quite well. Until yesterday and today.

Our next door neighbour brought home her newborn baby girl yesterday. Watching people come and go today with presents and balloons, seeing the banner they’ve got on their door saying baby girl, hearing the baby cry through the walls, it’s all absolutely floored me 😔

@MilkyAndFluffy I can see a line on the clear blue one!
Keeping everything crossed for you that it’ll be your month🤞🌈

@jt130593 i am in the exact same position our neighbours just brought home their newborn. My 3 best friends have all had girls in the last 5 weeks and today another pal text me a pic of her newborn girl this morning and my sister in law announced last night she is pregnant so I GET IT! You are not being irrational whatsoever, it is shit in all honesty utter shit. Don’t let it make you feel you are taking steps back just know it’s normal to feel this way and your feelings are rational. It is a hell of a journey and like me when you feel like your just getting knocked with new babies it can feel like your drowning but we’ve already been through the worst so we can get through this - you are strong so strong but know your feeling are rational and it’s ok to feel this way but it will get better! Sending so much love x

@MilkyAndFluffy - I am so hopeful for you!

@jt130593@Pickled24 I feel you!!! My husbands cousin is currently pregnant with a baby girl and due 5 days after what would of been my due date with our baby girl. We are really close but I have selfishly totally avoided her through the whole pregnancy. I am not a bitter person in the slightest but my god it is absolutely killing me!!😩 and I hate that I’m feeling this way. My would of been due date was 29th May so just a couple weeks out now and I’m feeling all the emotions! It was her baby shower at the weekend and I didn’t go, I just couldn’t do it and I feel awful about it but I really needed to put myself first in this situation. I really thought with that being my first pregnancy and falling first try I would have been pregnant again by now but just not happening as quick. Trying to remind myself just how much my body has been through and it’ll happen when I’m physically ready but it really is difficult. Sending so much love! ❤️ xx

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay thanks lovely 🩷

@Pickled24 ohhh that’s so good to know about the digital for you too, they must need a strong line to work! I don’t really understand why they offer ‘ultra early’ versions when they don’t work that soon!! Thanks so much chick 🥰

@jt130593 thank you so much 🥰🩷

@EMcG3 thanks sooo much 🥰🩷

I couldn’t get myself to wait any longer so I did order some FRER’s yesterday (did anyone know Amazon prime off same day delivery now as well as next day on certain items?!). Anyway, they arrived last night so I’ve done one this morning and it’s much more an obvious line so I can’t believe I can say these words, but im pregnant 🥹 now hoping for a healthy sticky bean that I get to bring home and keep 🩷 thank you all for cheering me on, and I’ll be waiting and cheering you all on here for BFP’s 🥰

@jt130593 i honestly couldn’t relate to you anymore with your above message, and all I say is your feelings are so valid and normal, and it’s a CRUEL thing we have had to go through. I’m so sorry you have to be around and see new born stuff, and it’s only natural you are going to find it so hard. It doesn’t make you a bad or bitter person to have those thoughts, because why did everything go well for them and not you….. You’ve been through a trauma and now you have the life you wanted dangled in front of you for someone else like a carrot. I’m sending you lots of love, support, and my virtual doors always open if you want to rant or chat about how shit it is to watch people in your life with babies.

Also, 2 months out is crazy early (well to me it is) and completely understand why that’s floored you. My sister in law told us she was pregnant and it absolutely destroyed me, almost a year out. Because she was getting the life just handed to her that I had been trying for years to have, and why did I have to say goodbye to my baby. Please give yourself some credit that you are doing fab just to handle life at the moment 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

@MilkyAndFluffy - this is really exciting! I hope you have a joyful pregnancy and get to bring a little one home.

@MilkyAndFluffy well that’s clearly a line! Wonderful news. Keeping everything crossed for a successful pregnancy for you.

@jt130593 just echoing what others have said. Your feelings are normal and valid. 2 friends have posted on social media about their second pregnancies after their 12w scans. One was posted on the due date for my TFMR baby. It was tough to see, I thought what a different experience they’ve had that they can’t possibly comprehend that they may get a call from the screening team to say there is something wrong, or that a later scan may show an anomaly.

I didn’t share anything about my last pregnancy because I was being really cautious and wanted to wait until the 20 week scan. I’m so glad I didn’t because having to deal with questions, comments, people asking how I was feeling would have been too much. The flip side is that it’s been a lonely path and I’ve been grateful for this forum.

It is ok to be upset, it’s ok to feel jealous, it’s ok to be angry. What has happened to all of us is brutal and unfair. I feel more at peace now but only because I’m currently pregnant. I also know I will need to deal with the grief I still feel and have not dealt with properly or else it will find a way out, possibly with increased pregnancy anxiety which is not good.

Maybe see if you can access some support to talk about how you’re feeling.

@MilkyAndFluffy that's definitely a line!! So so happy for you, I really mean that and echo what everyone says. It's so hard to hear people are expecting but when it's our little girl gang, it just fills me with so much reassurance and joy 🩷🩷🩷

I know everyone’s at different stages so may not even be able to remember now.

But just wondered how long it took people for their periods to return to “normal” or close to normal?

I’ve had 2 periods now. First cycle was 28 days, second cycle was 27 days which are within my normal range.
But in between both periods I’ve had very very mild cramping and spotting on and off which I don’t normally get. And I know that spotting in between can be linked to hormone imbalances and can make it more difficult to get pregnant.

I know it could just take a little while for things to return back to normal but we’re obviously keen to TTC

@jt130593 I had 21 day cycles that gradually increased over a year, with periods lasting 2-3 days and mild to no cramping. I used to be 28 days and 5 days with decent cramping for 1-2 days of that. It's taken me a year to get back to that. Only advice for getting back to normal more quickly is just take care of yourself and take your vitamins to help with lining thickness after whichever procedure you had. It's all such a headf&*k wondering why things are different and if it's changing anything ♥️

@samilicious do you have any recommendations for supplements that help lining thickness?

sorry if that’s a stupid question we didn’t have any problems first time we conceived so I am really am very naive and clueless about it all 😂

I’m taking a female supplement with folic acid and vitamin d at the min but nothing else

@jt130593 just regularly taking the regular ones helped me, and trying to up my daily step count (exercise phobic). N-Acetyl-Cysteine (NAC) was recommended in a book I read recently too

@jt130593 I’ve had a few periods since my TFMR and lasted diff lengths but one thing I’ve noticed is my cramping in between I never had this before and I get such nausea now during the lutuel phase which is why I convince myself I’m pregnant each month - honestly think our bodies are just readjusting but the positive is that you have a period

@samilicious NAC was recommended to me from Zita west. Not entirely sure what it does...I think it s something to do with free radicals...

@jt130593 my cycle only returned to normal after 4 cycles and on the 4th cycle I conceived. I also had bleeding between periods during these dodgy cycles. I had quite a bit of cramping in the luteal phase too and was convincing myself every month it was implantation pain. I didn't do anything differently on the 4th cycle, I think our bodies just need time to adjust after being through a TFMR.

I did take Inofolic as I have PCOS but I had been taking that since the TFMR.

First time posting on MN but these threads have brought me some comfort in the last week. My DH and I found out at our 20 week scan last week that all was not as it seemed after a clear run until this point. Referred to FMU who informed us that there were many abnormalities found with our little boy, a lot of these indicative of T21. I went from saying no Amnio due to risk to baby, to having had it done within 30mins. We are awaiting the result but I know it’s confirmation rather than a diagnosis at this point. Constantly trying to justify that a TFMR is the best outcome here for everyone but the guilt is getting to me massively. The thought of knowingly bringing a baby into the world who would potentially be faced with many medical challenges and have to undergo endless procedures and experience pain is too much for us to cope with. A week ago these words would have never entered my head let alone left my mouth but the reality of it all is horrendous. This little baby was so wanted and is still so wanted as I feel his little kicks. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We already are blessed to have a DD (15mo) who is also at the forefront of our mind with all of this. Our families are very supportive and of course this is all a shock for them too. I had a traumatic labour with my DD and am terrified for what is ahead. I have spoken with ARC but speaking to people with lived experiences may also help. I suppose I am asking for people’s physical experiences of a medical TFMR, does the guilt ever leave, does anyone ever regret having a TFMR, how long until you can cope with life and work again, did you bring your baby home for burial, name them? All I can think is that falling pregnant again will help me, which is making me feel more guilty. If you’ve got this far, thank you.

@AMothersLove123 Firstly, sorry you find yourself in this situation. It really is the most awful outcome of a much wanted pregnancy, and I think (perhaps controversially) much harder to cope with than a miscarriage where it has been ‘done to’ you rather than you having to make a decision to terminate. There feels much less discussion of TFMR, I think it’s often cloaked in guilt and shame which is why people don’t discuss it and when they do it feels like a lot of time is spent justifying their decision rather than sharing how they feel.

My husband and I had not told anyone about my pregnancy, mostly because I was 41 when I fell pregnant so risks for miscarriage and complications were higher and we agreed if the 20 week scan was ok we would share the news at Christmas (scan would have been on 19 December). In a way this was a lot easier as we didn’t need to tell/explain to anyone what had happened.

I had 2 days off work - one for the procedure and the following day, really the second day was only because you cannot guarantee you’ll be out in one day. After getting the high risk screening result I spent the 3 or so weeks in pieces, crying, not sleeping but obsessively Googling what the results could mean, stories of when someone had a high risk result and it had been wrong etc. so once it was confirmed I sort of mentally shut down my emotions and went into practical mode. I knew it was the only way I could cope.

I have still not dealt with my grief and I know I do need to address it. My reaction, like yours, was a need to be pregnant again and that became an obsession. I had very messed up cycles after the TFMR and was not ovulating. Miraculously, I am pregnant again although at a very early stage. I am completely detached from this pregnancy, I have not told anyone aside from my husband and even then I considered not telling him until I had the NIPT results back. We do not discuss it (my choice) and I cannot allow myself to feel any hope or joy until perhaps, and if, we get through the 20 week anomaly scan.

I’m currently not even feeling pregnancy anxiety because I’m not allowing myself to even accept I’m pregnant. This is the scar the TFMR has left. In the 6 months since my TFMR 2 friends have shared their second pregnancy news, both putting up their 12 week baby scans on social media the day of the scan (so before any screening results) such is their certainty (or blind ignorance) to the idea that something might be wrong.

I have not felt jealousy towards their pregnancies, but I am jealous of the way they’ve been able to enjoy and celebrate their pregnancies.

I imagine already having a child will help as you have someone to sink your love and energy into and a reason to keep going. I did not find any kind of internal peace until I got a positive pregnancy result, but as I’ve explained I’m really mentally in turmoil and this is because I’ve not addressed my grief and anger and upset.

I have decided to get counselling but (and this is telling) I’m waiting to see if I’ll be needing it for this pregnancy too before I start.

I’m not sure my story helps but I wanted to acknowledge your post. I wish you luck with the upcoming days/weeks.

Hey @AMothersLove123 so sorry you find yourself here and for your recent news at the 20 week scan! It really is the worst place to be in but you have a group of women here who can support you! As Rumble said TFMR isn’t spoken about a lot so adds to the guilt and shame - I had never heard about TFMR or any of this before this pregnancy.
I like you, found out at my 20 week scan that things were really bad with my first baby (January of this year) and I had refused an amnio and was like what is even going on here what do you mean terminate until I really went away and instead I reframed it to I love my child regardless and always will but what kind of life is ahead for my child - I hate hearing how people say I love my child it doesn’t matter what they have I will bring them into the world regardless that is fine for them but it is also fine to think well what does that life look like for them. I also was feeling my daughter kick me everyday and she was born at just under 27 weeks - I can’t give much advice on medical management as I did labour and delivery however I can on your other questions! Just remember whatever you choose to do re naming, burial there is no right or wrong you do what feels right for you and your partner! We personally (again this was just what felt right for us) spent time with our daughter when she was born I felt still in a lot of shock so I was very fortunate a few days later to be able to spend time with her again in the funeral home and I wrote her letters to place in her coffin and then we had a service and crem for her a week later with our immediate family - it was the hardest day of my life but both my husband and I stood up and read her a little poem - before I birthed her I had said I don’t want to see her I won’t have a service but that all changed. We still have her ashes at home and we are fortunate we have clay prints and ink prints and photos. I won’t lie and say the pain will go away quickly, it won’t, there is a piece of my heart missing forever and a pain there but I know my daughter will never know pain so I can live with this.
there is always a wee devil on my shoulder saying what if what if and I think I will life with that. I am fortunate to have access to counselling through our fetal medicine team and it has been so so helpful, also due to the gestation of when my daughter was born I have been eligible for full maternity leave and pay and have just returned a few weeks ago - I kept reading people saying it will get easier and I promise you it does!! Your baby knows nothing but love and warmth in your belly and will never know pain or fear - I have a note section in my phone when I’m having my wobbles and I always read back it’s things like quotes, articles, forums. I’m sorry if I’m rambled a lot I’m so sorry you find yourself here it truly is awful and I felt the same with wanting to get pregnant again quickly as was my first baby and felt so empty - we are trying atm and I now know it will never replace our daughter but extend our family. I talk and think about her everyday and she has changed me as a person, this experience has changed me but for the better o think and I have her to thank for that every day!
You will get through this and anything I can do to help please just shout sending lots of love and strength xx

@Rumbleinthecrumble @Pickled24 thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am really sorry you both found yourselves in this position too, my heart goes out to all of us. No parent should have to make a decision like this but it’s reality and we’ve all found ourselves here. I’d give anything for a medical professional to tell us we have no other choice or that what we are doing is the right thing but truly there is no “right” option - they probably don’t know themselves what they would do.

I completely agree about being naive - that was us no time ago. I’ve seen multiple announcements and births since and I am actually overjoyed for these people that they will hopefully have a straightforward journey to meeting their babies. We didn’t make an announcement but we told our families and closest friends. We live in a small community so news travels fast, I have no doubt more people know than we ever told and it seems like every single person I know is due a baby around the same time that we are. Dreading the puzzled looks of confusion as to where my bump or baby is and will have to face all their birth announcements and whatever that brings for our emotions.

Like you, I had never heard of TMFR until now. On more thought I think more couples have went through this than we know and as you say it’s just not spoken about. You don’t ask questions, you just sympathise that someone has experienced a loss at whatever stage and life goes on.

I do think I’d regret not holding him and spending time with him. That is something I definitely would like to do, as hard as it will be. We have pretty much decided we will bury him with relatives of my DH so that we have somewhere to go when grieving. Also that our family have somewhere to go in private too. You forget how much they are all affected by this too.

We have both agreed that we will never fully come to terms with whatever outcome happens but that we will learn to cope and that counselling may help us here. Thankfully we are both thinking along the same lines which is reassuring and it feels good to know I’m not in this alone.

Now the wait for our results but as you can tell, we have zero hope here that any other outcome is possible at this stage. I also want to be ready to make a decision once we know because these in between days are unbearable and helping no-one.

I really wish everyone well on their current
journeys (I know this a TTC thread) and I hope to be in a position down the line to join you on that journey in a good headspace x