9 months+ trying to conceive, still losing hope, still trying

[BritInNZ]

Continuing the earlier thread ladies before we run out of room... will tag in who I remember but feel free to tag others I may have missed. And newbies always welcome!

@Aubyone - pregnant! Adding in case she wants to keep in the loop 😊
@kmbegs
@FlyOnTheWall89
@Hopefullywaiting01234
@Tinkerbell098
@LucyAnne34
@MaryTeenOfScots

Thank you so much for all your messages, they truly mean a lot. It has been such a horrible day but all your messages have genuinely helped me so thank you ❤️ what an amazing group we have.

DH is in bits if I'm honest. We are both really struggling to accept the news.

@Carla2601 the consultant screen shared the results as she explained them but I don't remember seeing a PH. I will ask for the scanned results tomorrow.

We are trying to process next steps and digest all the information. We now just really want to find out as soon as possible whether there is any sperm in there that is just not managing to get to the semen due to a blockage. I need to ask the consultant tomorrow as I am not sure whether this is checked by ultrasound or needle extraction.. they mentioned both. Do you know @Carla2601 ? I really struggled to absorb all the information. I remember she said if they find sperm they will freeze it straight away.

@lemons44 I cant even imagine how he must feel. Keeping everything crossed for you that there is a blockage or something missing so sperm is present but just not able to get through so at least you are able to use the sperm for ICSI 🤞🏼

its so much to process. And probably feels like a smack in the face. Big hugs being sent your way.

we do have friends who were in this same scenario. Unfortunately he had just never produced sperm and never would. But they quite quickly made a choice on sperm donor being there only option. And very quickly were pregnant through IUI and who now have two DDs from the same sperm donor so they are full siblings as such which is lovely.

@lemons44 so sorry to hear that! Like the girls say, take your time processing the info and here’s hoping there is some sperm in there but it’s just struggling to get out! ❤️🤞🏻

@lemons44 an experienced urologist should be able to do this by touch (they’ll then tell you 95% and follow up with a scan to confirm what they think). From my understanding it’s incredibly rare to produce none and if he isn’t it would most likely be because of a hormone imbalance that my understanding is they’d try to address. I’d recommend reading the symptoms of that as we were pretty sure from reading ours was some sort of blockage not hormonal.

my understanding from my reading is that you are much much much more likely to find sperm in there but what they need to check is why it’s not getting out and then the quality when they get it out. There’s no reason to believe it wouldn’t be great they told us ours was although some conditions can damage it but they seemed to say they’d treat then remove.

this bit is the worst - they should be able to move really quickly from here to give you some answers (we ruled out hormones within 24 hours) and some options and I promise you will feel better when you have that. I never thought I’d say this back in January but I actually feel lucky now. Yeah it’s a bit shit but at least we know and at least we have a plan and I hoping like crazy that in a super short amount of time you’ll be feeling the same! Sorry if this sounds too much like comparison I’m not trying to do that I just want to try to reassure you that as much as it feels like the world has ended today things may very well not be anywhere near as bleak as they seem. You’re in my thoughts and I’m sending all the vibes your way x

@lemons44 - thinking of you 💗 i know things may seem like there is no hope now but once you get some answers things might look brighter xx

I had my fertility appointment this morning, it was just routine questions, blood test, urine sample and a scan.

The sonographer said my ovaries looked fine i had 8 follicles on each however it looks like i have Adenomyosis which is a condition in which endometrial tissue breaks through and grows into the myometrium, i have read conflicting things online (i know not helpful) about it causing problems with implantation then other sites say there isnt enough evidence.

I have my follow up in 6-8 weeks to explore futher. Sorry to rant and i know im probably being over emotional but i just feel like giving up on this x

@NatW2021 oh sorry hun. Not really what you wanted to hear. Was that just off a normal ultrasound?

I had heard of it. But don’t know much about it. Just knew it was considered a sort of cousin to endometriosis.
it’s hard to not over read into things and google is never our friend.
endometriosis is linked with ppl struggling a bit more to conceive. But lots of ppl still do and some don’t actually seem to have an issue. So not everyone always falls under the same dreary umbrella even if this adenmyosis can cause issues.

if it is causing a few issues. It may just take longer for you to fall then you hope (shit I know) Or there may be something they can do or give to assist with it.

Don't give up hun. I know how easily it can feel like that will spare the heartache and disappointment. But it doesn’t. Not really. If you want a baby/children you just keep going. We’re all here. To push each other along. When the going gets tough.

I had a bad few days and felt like giving up. Just thought just accept I don’t get to do it again and get over it. And just try squash the feelings I have down about it.
but that’s just because im scared of the months ahead. And all the milestones I’ll hit of scan dates and I’d of been this many weeks and due dates etc etc. and I’ve done it before and it smashed my mental health even more so than this initial ttc business.

BUT I’m not giving up. I can’t. This heartbreak will not be for nothing. Have to keep going. These babies will arrive 💖

@lemons44 hope you doing okay hun

@NatW2021 glad you have finally made progress with your appt. I have heard of adenomyosis but I don’t know anything about it. Have you got endometriosis?

good news about the follicle count. How old are you? At least that’s one thing less to worry about. Has your OH had any tests? Xx

@Indianna2006 - i know its so tough we are all battling our own issues together. I am trying to not feel sorry for myself but its just been bad news after bad news first my thyroid and now this. Just feels like odds are stacked against you when its such a small chance on average anyway despite issues. I am 6dpo my teams seem the lowest they have ever been so far, although ovulation was confirmed via the ultra sound. I think this will be the first month im not frantically testing as i know the odds are slim. I am so looking forward to two weeks away i just hope i can switch off. I have just walked the dog and must look like crazy person as i just keep randomly crying (not hysterically like). Hope you are doing ok during this tough period 💗 x

@Hoping43 I dont think i do have endometriosis but who knows! I Dont have any of the major symptoms , apparently adenomyosis is known as the cousin of endometriosis.

Im 34, is 8 on each side a good count? She never really said. DH has been checked all normal - not amazing number but not bad either. I deffo think the problem is my end. X

@NatW2021 it sounds good to me. Mine was 13 and I was told that was normal. I had 8 on one which was totally fine and 5 on the other which I was told was slightly under what they would ideally want but that the total combined was normal.

I mean I guess whatever they say I still don’t seem to be able to get pregnant so who even knows. I feel like it’s just not going to happen again for me. And doesn’t all the excitement and joy just get taken away by all this. A year ago I was happy and excited to give my 2 children another sibling. Now I feel like the only thing I would feel if it did ever happen is proper anxiety that it would go wrong and I would be back to square one and have to go through all this again.

I feel there’s a real mix of issues on the thread. I think we have a few male factor, a few unexplained. Not sure we have any fully diagnosed female factors x

@Hoping43 - Totally agree - if and when it happens ill be worried sick. Think i am all cried out now, think i need to search for some positive stories rather than doom and gloom x

@NatW2021 it would be great to see some positive stories of natural conception on this thread over the coming months from some of us since we’ve all been trying so long. Obviously the IVF stories are fantastic too but I’m not looking forward to the financial implications with already having two children so keeping my fingers tightly crossed for natural conception 🥴

@NatW2021 sorry your results weren’t what you wanted - can they get you in for more diagnostics quickly so they can speed you along? I think if they can diagnose something that’s generally better then they can offer a plan. Great follicle count though I think mine was 7 and 6 so that’s really positive.

i hear you on the paranoia. Every single time I pee I’m scared to wipe because I’m terrified of it being red and I do pregnancy tests all the time because if I’m not tired (like right now) I’m convinced I’m miscarrying so I can confirm that sadly you’re right on that front (or in my case anyway). We never talk about it either really

sending you love on a tough day and hope that there are some brighter ones soon x

@Carla2601 - i am not really sure if there is any treatment for it. The sonographer told me this, she was a bit vague and said she had it too and there isnt alot of research that links it with infertility but then when you look on dr google its another story! Apparently its endometriosis "bad cousin"

Its like when you get told something and thats the rest of the conversation turns into a blur. Now i have so many questions.

I can imagine the anxiety @Carla2601 i had a friend who said exactly the same and she would only wear white underwear.

This is bloody hard going isnt it. I havent done hardly any work today as it just takes over x

@NatW2021 absolutely! One thing I did was buy a new lovely notebook and take it with me every time and try to literally transcribe (or ask if you can record and listen back) and that really helped.

not trying to give you false hope as I don’t know anything medical and am not an expert but it was the scanner who said to us we’d probably never have a family and then when we saw the consultant he had a completely different view so if you can collate all the diagnostics then go to an expert they might have some ideas for you - that was what we did if that’s remotely useful.

re work I’m actually the opposite and I found on the worst days I went to the office. Once I was there I’d stay till 10 but that’s a v unhealthy way to not process your feelings so I would not recommend!!!! Completely agree it’s all consuming and awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hope you’re treating yourself tonight - remember this is a shitty set of cards you’ve been dealt and not something you could/can control so be kind to yourself x

@Carla2601 - thank you so much your message really helped me last night and when we have our follow up (which is by phone) ill ask my DH to record it. .

I have took some time to process things today. I emailed the lady who done my scan in January and she said the following so i feel a little better today: obviously its still at the back of my mind and im worrying but might not be as bad as i think. X

On my scan your womb is not bulky, and does not exhibit the echotexture which is usually associated with adenomyosis (coarse, heterogeneous, with shadows, discrepancy between anterior and posterior uterine thickness, small cysts, increased Doppler perfusion etc).

It is more common than you think, and doesn't usually affect your ability to conceive.

Sorry for the radio silence ladies, been a busy few days moving into our new house. I also had an appointment with a gynaecologist about my septate uterus and was told absolutely nothing new and that it shouldn't be affecting conception - so kind of in the same frustration boat as you all!

Sorry to hear of some bad news across the board, it all really sucks. However, I will say, at least you have some kind of answer and can get the support you need. It's weird to say but I'm kind of envious - this whole unexplained infertility thing is the worst as you have 'nothing' wrong but your body won't do what it's meant to. I should start letrozole around 19 May, so will keep you all updated with how that goes.

Hope everyone manages to enjoy this weekend despite everything going on. Looks we'll need to start a new thread again very soon!

@NatW2021 always glad to help if I can and that does sound better! I almost messaged again last night to say can maybe try and push them a bit more because if implantation was the issue wouldnt it present differently (late periods, chemical pregnancies etc.) but I felt like I was overplaying my role so I didn’t haha. Anyway I’m really pleased you’re feeling better and I hope you can have a lovely long weekend! x

I'm so sorry you had crappy news @NatW2021. I am glad you've managed to get a bit of reassurance from the lady who did your January scan. I haven't done barely any work today either.. I've spent most of my day staring into space if I'm honest!

@Carla2601 thank you for your message and thanks to everyone else too 💗

I have more of a clear idea in my head now of next steps (Physical exam and ultrasound for DH, plus his bloods) but I am struggling to find a urologist to do these things. I have contact three different places but not had a response from any yet. @Carla2601 one of the ones I have contacted is Dr Ramsay.

Me and DH are really struggling with the waiting around and not knowing if he has hidden sperm or not. It really is torturous. Hopefully we can get an appointment soon.

xx

@lemons44 ok so his GP should do the bloods so you gave them to take to the urologist so see if you can push for that.

With Mr Ramsey you will have a bit of a wait but email and then keep calling over and over and someone will answer (should be Alison). Then ask her to call with any cancellations and then get in touch every day to check we got ours brought forward that way by a couple of weeks.

Good luck I know how horrible this bit is - hope you’ve managed to make some distracting weekend plans x

@lemons44 nhs could also do your scan (if you’re in London weirdly it was walk in). Word of caution we paid for one on Harley street before we knew this and it was him who told us wrongly that we’d likely never have children (he didn’t know he’s a scanner fgs which is a completely different area of expertise but we took him at his word and it caused the worst 2 weeks of our lives before we saw mr Ramsey so might be a worth asking for images only no report (Mr Ramsey also said it was useless!) but I’m not sure x

Thank you @Carla2601
Do you know whether the GP can do the cystic fibrosis and chromosome bloods or just hormones? I think it will be interesting to see if DH has low testosterone as he doesn't have the highest sex drive and I am secretly hoping the issue is hormones and it can be fixed with hormone therapy.

I have emailed Dr R's PA but no reply yet. I also rang so many times and there was no answer so I am actually wondering if she might be on annual leave or something.. or is no answer normal? I left a voicemail too.

We are just trying not to get false hope in case there really isn't any sperm at all. It's so strange - I'm in my fertile window and it's weird not to be trying. To be fair neither of us are in the right head space to DTD anyway.

I even started googling sperm donors and adoption yesterday just to start educating myself in case it does come to that.

@Carla2601 how are you feeling?

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Thanks @lemons44. currently sitting in my car crying that in a week, another month will be over and it’ll be only 5 months until we have to see the consultant again and start IVF. My mood has shifted over night. Probably a sure sign it hasn’t happened again 😭💔

@lemons44 - been thinking of you, the waiting round really is the worst. And as we know it seems thats all you seem to do on this journey. I am not clued up on any of tests etc but what i do know is the GP can refer you to genetics for CF testing (there might be a quicker way privately or even an at home test. I have CF in my family and thats how i got tested. X

@Hoping43 - hope you are ok, i have a feeling iill be the same in a day or 2. Im 8dpo and im getting all the funny twinge sensations that i usually get, my temps have been on the lower end this cycle. Luckily i have my holiday to keep be focused. Sending hugs x

@lemons44 thats completely normal just keep trying - he calls it the mumsnet effect haha….but it’s maddening.

so get them done by the NHS if you can - mr Ramsey sent OH a straight from first consultation for those tests round the corner and it was £500! Try to avoid that sting if you can. Also totally get the false hope thing but I think the law of averages suggests there will be some it’ll just be how they fix it and try to keep the faith that they will. I also did all that same googling. We sort of decided we wouldn’t go the donor route because our feeling was if it wasn’t genetically half and half we would rather adopt and give a lovely life to a child who really needs it (it’s still something we’d definitely consider) but it’s an incredibly personal decision and everyone is different. Plus it’s probably a bit nuclear for now but it doesn’t feel like that I know.

Treat yourselves this weekend if you can because i can remember the week you’ve had and how you’re feeling and it’s the worst worst worst so you deserve it x