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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
DaisyMum40 · 26/12/2021 10:40

I'm afraid I think it's too old as well. I had my children in my mid and late 30's and the exhaustion is like nothing I've ever experienced. I can understand someone who already has children considering another at that age, they already understand what they're letting themselves in for, but for the first time? I honestly wouldn't recommend it. Being a parent to our boys is the greatest gift, but very few people talk about the hard realities that come with it. It's all very well for celebs having children later in life... there's Alex Jones, mid 40's, having baby number 3 within just a few years, turning up to telly appearances a few weeks after birth and looking fresh as a daisy. What you don't see is that Alex isn't running round supermarkets every other day, up to her eyeballs in laundry, running out for school runs in leggings and mum bun, struggling to fit in a trip to the toilet alone far less get a shower, making breakfast, lunch, dinner, millions of snacks a day, clearing up after breakfast, lunch, dinner, millions of snacks a day, getting out of bed countless times a night.. all while having a broom up her backside because the house still needs cleaned. Nope, she's not doing all that - someone else is. If I didn't have to do all of the above PLUS hold down a job as well, I might have considered another. I don't mean to paint a bleak picture of parenting, nor is it a case of being ungrateful, but no one should be under any illusions that the day to day life of parenting is an absolute slog, and starting that journey at age 46 I would absolutely not recommend.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 26/12/2021 10:43

Honestly, your age plus your BPD would give me serious pause. I think it would be for the best if you made peace with remaining childless.

mylife8410 · 26/12/2021 10:43

Definitely not with your mh and bpd! My partner has bpd and various other things makes parenting horrendous at times !

DillDanding · 26/12/2021 10:43

Way too old imo.

Apart from the added risks, I don’t think it would be fair on the child.

RestingStitchFace · 26/12/2021 10:46

Had my first and only at 39. I'm now 47 and having a rough time with perimenopause. It is tough going through that with an 8 year old running around the house. On reflection, I wish I'd had DS 5 or so years earlier. There's no way I'd consider it at 46, personally.

Figgygal · 26/12/2021 10:46

Yes its too old

BooksAndGin · 26/12/2021 10:46

No, not with added mental health issues on top of your age.

To many risks. Sorry op it's a selfish situation to bring a baby into the world on top of everything else.

wastingtimeagain · 26/12/2021 10:48

@R0tational

Adopt.

Losing parents early is no fun at all.

Why do people think the challenges of having child at 46 are reduced if the child is adopted?

The challenges are increased not removed! Adopted children come with a whole load of emotional issues which are expressed in their behaviours. It is additionally challenging to parent an adopted child.

It is really awful the way people on here talk about adopted children as if they are some sort of soft reserve option for people who can't cope with having a biological child.

ironorchids · 26/12/2021 10:48

Although adopting is a noble idea, I think in reality a very very small proportion of people want to adopt children as opposed to a large proportion of people who want to have their own biological children.

So adoption is probably an unrealistic suggestion.

It's very easy for lots of people to suggest option to someone else.

If you want children then go for it.
You'll find people who will claim you're selfish for wanting children at any age, and some who'll claim not wanting children is selfish.

I think other people's opinions of what is and isn't selfish can be so unconsciously compromised by their own self interest that it's not worth asking anyone else.

BooksAndGin · 26/12/2021 10:51

I think she'd struggle to adopt with mental health in all honesty. I know someone who was declined because of the same reason.

superram · 26/12/2021 10:54

I’m 44 and find looking after my 2 year old nephew very, very hard work-and he doesn’t keep me up at night! It would be a no from me but only you can decide. You would be 60/61 when they are 14, is that fair?

Obakarama · 26/12/2021 10:56

I did it. It worked for me. It gave me a renewed energy. I can't imagine life without DS. But I guess we were lucky and financially cushioned, which helps. Mate has just had first at 62. A man of course, but it happens and he is deliriously happy.

GrimDamnFanjo · 26/12/2021 10:59

It's not too old but biologically difficult at 46 I would say.
Your best bet would be donor eggs via IVF. I'd be starting the process ASAP Ida that's the route you decide on.

ironorchids · 26/12/2021 10:59

Also the insinuation that you shouldn't have kids because you might die while they're in their twenties or won't be able to take them to university interviews is ridiculous.

Plenty of people lose their young, fit, active parents at ages far younger than their 20s. Life expectancy is not 60 so it's pretty far fetched to suggest you will die when your kid is 20.
And children can go to university interviews on the train. It's not difficult. A 17 year old is completely capable of it.

Do we then say that parents who are young and fit are also selfish if they have hobbies that might kill them, like if they surf they might get killed by a shark, if they drive a lot they might get into a fatal crash, if they like going on adventure holidays they're more likely to die in a sports accident or from a virus?

Seriously, the way people throw around "you're selfish" is just silly and self righteous.

What about the number of obese or overweight people in this country selfishly not doing enough exercise, eating enough vegetables or doing enough about their diet and lifestyle to live to the average life expectancy age?

Those selfish drinkers, over eaters, and sedentary people. Seriously, people need to stop with the "you're selfish". Everybody is selfish.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/12/2021 11:02

@Phrenologistsfinger

I’d be worried about egg quality but then I am struggling now at 39 via IVF. You may be lucky and conceive naturally but for IVF to work you might well need donor eggs in mid-late 40s. The news stories never mention that aspect funnily…
The only women I know who conceived mid 40s used donor eggs. I couldn't imagine wanting to do this now at 40, let alone later. But that's easy to say when I already have children.
WashingMachineCrisis · 26/12/2021 11:07

I had my baby later in life and I wouldn’t change a single thing. The good far outweighs the bad and it’s the single best decision I ever made. I’ve even found myself unexpectedly doing it all on my own since he dad left without a trace, and I’d still do it again a hundred times over.

Good luck whatever you decide 😊

Cam2020 · 26/12/2021 11:11

Is it too old for you as a couple and you as an individual? That's all that matters really.

Other people will have a range of opinions and experiences both in terms of life in general and with rearing children.

I think this question is more about 'will I be judged for having a child post 40' and unfortunately on MN, the answer is almost always yes. In real life, I don't think people care.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/12/2021 11:12

@autieok

I had two children in early twenties and found it all quite easy. Had a child in late thirties and I've aged about ten years! But what matters here is what you and your partner want. Yes it will be more complicated and you need to be prepared for that but if you feel emotionally ready to take this on then yes you should do it.
Surely what implications there would be for the child also matter. Almost certainly an only child with parents substantially older than those of their peers, navigating life with parents from a very different generation, possibly having to deal with issues of ageing etc in their 20s. So no, it's not just what they want that matters
onedayoranother · 26/12/2021 11:27

A friend got married at 29 and they just left it to nature. Pretty much given up thinking it would happen when boom she got pregnant and had her baby at 46. Her husband was 51. Both fit and healthy. Her son is 19 now and they are totally happy they had him!

Jujules20 · 26/12/2021 11:27

@ironorchids

Also the insinuation that you shouldn't have kids because you might die while they're in their twenties or won't be able to take them to university interviews is ridiculous.

Plenty of people lose their young, fit, active parents at ages far younger than their 20s. Life expectancy is not 60 so it's pretty far fetched to suggest you will die when your kid is 20.
And children can go to university interviews on the train. It's not difficult. A 17 year old is completely capable of it.

Do we then say that parents who are young and fit are also selfish if they have hobbies that might kill them, like if they surf they might get killed by a shark, if they drive a lot they might get into a fatal crash, if they like going on adventure holidays they're more likely to die in a sports accident or from a virus?

Seriously, the way people throw around "you're selfish" is just silly and self righteous.

What about the number of obese or overweight people in this country selfishly not doing enough exercise, eating enough vegetables or doing enough about their diet and lifestyle to live to the average life expectancy age?

Those selfish drinkers, over eaters, and sedentary people. Seriously, people need to stop with the "you're selfish". Everybody is selfish.

Couldn't have said it better myself Thank you
Agreentreeoutside · 26/12/2021 11:29

I don't understand the casualness of saying just use donor eggs, particuarly suggestions of going abroad. There are real ethical questions to be considered before going down that route. There are health risks to the woman who has donated her own eggs, it's not like a man donating sperm.

If going aborad in particular, questions should be asked as to how genuinely willing the woman was or whether they really understood what they were signing up for e.g. the method in the USA or Spain of targetting young women to donate their eggs in exchange for money. IVF is a big, profit driven business and the fact there are even "egg brokers" on the international market with the potential exploitation of other women, almost certainly younger and poorer than the recipient, isn't something which should be glossed over.

TheVolturi · 26/12/2021 11:30

I don't think I would tbh. I'm 40 with three young dc. I feel like an older mum in the school yard! Also, if you are happy and stable with your meds and life is good, I wouldn't want to jeopardise that.

MrFlippersPancake · 26/12/2021 11:31

Do it, there are several parents in my DDs who had their (mostly first and only) baby at this age, they don't look out of place at all and are wonderful parents.

It's ridiculous that there only seems to be about 3 years or so when you are not considered too old or too young to have a baby. Hmm

Go for it

WashingMachineCrisis · 26/12/2021 11:34

Also - lot of people on here saying, “I did it at 40+ and it’s so difficult etc. therefore don’t do it”. I bet these parents would still have their children given the choice.

Don’t worry about what society thinks. Do what’s right for you and your potential child.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 26/12/2021 11:39

I'm 48 and there's no way I'd go back to looking after a toddler at this age. Not the right thing to do for mother or child really.