Trying to conceive over 40

[October1979]

Here is a new thread for us girls

@Honey2 wishing you all the luck in the world for a good outcome!

Spoke to GP today and she’s speaking to gynaecology to see if they can recommend anything for me as this was my third failed pregnancy. She suggested OH should only have a sperm count test if we are prepared to have private IVF - can I ask what others have been advised around male fertility tests through NHS and over 40?

@Honey2 I’m sorry you are in limbo.

@Honey2 I'm so sorry you're in limbo. It's so tough when you can't start the process of moving on and giving yourself the self care you need i.e. wine. I really hope you get some good news when you go back. xx

@Mum2baby07 I've just got a referral to fertility services. Part of that is blood tests and swobs for me and sperm analysis for DH. They will then do any other tests we need when we get our appointment. We cannot have IVF or IUI but all other treatments are available. We are both turning 42 in the next few months. It probably depends on your area with regards to what investigations you can both get on the NHS.

Urgh @Honey2 that's so frustrating...I totally see how that would almost feel worse that a definite answer as you're in a complete limbo. I can completely understand how this is worse that TTC. TTC is dynamic and proactive - you're now stuck waiting for nature to decide. Just vent here whatever/whenever you need to. But I can understand the hope too.

xxx

Hi @PinkGinFizz1978 I also took a year to get my period back after being on the pill. It was when I was a bit younger (since then I have stuck with copper coils because I was paranoid about whether it would take a year to get my period back if I took the pill again!). So it could just be the impact of the pill! They did all kinds of investigations (scans etc) on me at the time and they had no idea what it was caused by, except perhaps mild pcos. I had a baby a couple of years ago , now 40 and trying for no2, but it feels like it’s taking a whole lot longer to get pregnant....

@Honey2 that must be a very frustrating place to be in right now, although I'm glad there's still a sliver of hope still. Be nice to yourself over the next 2 weeks.

@Geriatric1234 I'm doing ok thanks. I'll be six weeks exactly tomorrow. No real symptoms other than needing the odd 15 minute nap in the afternoon- it makes me very grateful to be working from home at the moment.

Hope everyone is this group has a nice weekend planned x

@Honey2 so sorry there must have been a time lag as I didn’t see your post when I sent my last.

I will still continue to hope for a good outcome. And there are good outcome stories on here if sacs measuring smaller but having ‘caught up’ next scan. Believe me I read them all! For my own part though mine was not viable as confirmed by my miscarriage at 9 +1 but I will be hoping for a better outcome for you xx

@Geriatric1234 some say after ovulation and some say once you have a bfp

@Catconfusion I wouldn't have thought it could change that much in a couple of years 🤞🏻

@Honey2 im so sorry they couldn't tell you what's going on! Did they not offer an internal scan? I've been told before that they can see more with those at an earlier stage, or would it maybe worth going for a private scan next week to see if anything has developed? It's so horrible having to wait and nit know what's going on.

@Mum2baby07 our gp has sent my oh for an sa on the nhs and from what I've heard from other people it's pretty standard to do so

@Honey2 that's really hard. I can only imagine preparing myself for either good news or bad. Not sent away for another 2 weeks. It must feel like torture. I have everything crossed for you that things will turn out well.

Hi everyone. Can I ask if anyone takes baby aspirin and if so when. I've read reports that it helps implantation and others that say not to start until bfp. Trying to do something different.

Also trying to work out if I keep trying naturally or go down the egg donor route abroad. It's a tough one. As you know we have no children. I don't know if my desire to be a mother is to see a mix of me and my husband in our child or if that wouldn't matter. It's about being a mother. I've been trying a long time and part of me thinks if I had a good egg it would have happened. Especially with all these early miscarriages. It's so tough xx

Thanks everyone for the best wishes, I think I am going to try my hardest to put it to the back of my mind for 2 weeks and then deal with it on the day..

@Marvellouslymadmum it was an internal scan they did. I have thought about getting a private scan 1 week later (so this Friday) but it won’t change the outcome and I’ll still have to have the nhs one so I figured I should save myself the £80!

@Geriatric1234 thanks for your comments - venting here certainly does help! I’ve learnt so much from mums net and this thread 😊

@October1979 on the subject of Donor egg, I think a great deal of your child’s behaviour and personality comes from their environment. If you carry, give birth and raise a baby it will be 100% yours even if the egg wasn’t. I personally think it’s about being a mother - caring for and loving a child, and being loved back! I don’t think that love will change because they may not look like you. That’s just my opinion though 😊

@October1979 I think everyone is different. For me, my maternal urge exists only for a child that is half mine and half my DH. If it isn’t genetically ours I’m cool being child free. It’s what I always planned anyway before meeting my DH. So I wouldn’t consider that option. However, I also completely, 100% agree with @Honey2 that a child will be yours regardless of genetic relationship and you’ll love it the same. So if the goal is to be a mother no matter what, I think it’s a good option. X

@Honey2 I think I’m empathy stressed on your behalf. Will try not to ask you every day how you’re feeling!! 🤣😘

@Geriatric1234 haha thanks! After saying I’m going to switch off I have just ordered 2 more cb weeks tests. I just want to see if my hcg is progressing still. If it’s still 2-3 weeks on Tuesday (7weeks by ovulation) I think it will really focus my mind for bad news at the scan on the 18th

@October1979 I was advised by my GP and midwife to take a baby aspirin every night from a positive test so that’s what I did with ds and he was fine. Not sure if it helped. The last two pregnancies it made no difference. I guess if it’s a viable embryo it might slightly increase the odds. I don’t think the research is that compelling but it’s worth a try.

I can imagine it’s really tough to make a decision about a donor egg. What I do know is that even younger couples can take a couple of years to conceive and have recurrent miscarriages. I know quite a few people who have battled infertility and pregnancy loss to then have children without problems. Obviously you are older and it’s difficult to know the impact of age but I still think you have a chance.

Personally I wouldn’t have gone for a donor egg because the biological side of parenthood is something I don’t feel I could compromise on. I feel even stronger about that now I’ve had ds. However I completely understand why it’s a good option. The bond you would have carrying that child would make them yours. I think if you and your partner have a strong relationship and it’s wouldn’t matter that he has a biological link and you don’t, it could work well. Follow @definingmum on Instagram. She had three children with donor eggs due to premature ovarian failure. She does a lot of work raising awareness about donor egg parenthood. Xx

@Honey2 I think this is a really good idea to give yourself a heads up. I would do the same, I really hope it’s ok. Xx

@October1979 I totally agree with honey, my opinion is that if you bring that child up as your own it's totally your own.

@Honey2 ahh I see. yes that's true, definitely good to save the money if you can wait. I hope everything is ok though

Thanks for all your opinions. It really helps. I go back and forth in my head all the time. It is good to hear others views and a comfort they are similar to my own. Ultimately I would love my own. But if that's not going to happen I need to work out if I'm prepared not to have children or go for the next best thing. It's a hard decision xxx

Hey @October1979, I'm gunna put my 2cents in and say me and the OH are not even considering donor egg/sperm for our own personal reasons. The way I see it is I don't want to put my body through pregnancy and birth for a child that's not biologically a part of me and the person I love. But I would love to be a mother (even though pregnancy and birth scare the hell out of me!) and if we can't bring our own biological child into world then we will definitely go down the adoption route because there's so many children that have already been brought into this world that need a loving home, and at the end of the day they are still your child(ren) because it'll be you raising them.

@October1979 I find the following thought process useful in making a decision on things like this but then I like to consider worst case scenarios. You might not work this way but I thought I’d share.

I’d ask myself if I want to pursue a biological pregnancy even if…
-it doesn’t happen and I end up childless.
-I have more miscarriages.
-I need IVF.
-My baby have an age related complication such as down syndrome or autism.
-even if the pregnancy is stressful and complicated and I need time off work.

Or I want to use a donor egg even if…

• I experience grief and sadness at times if I can’t see myself in my child.
• there is a chance the baby has genetic markers for diseases outside of the family I.e. breast cancer.
• as an adult they want to find their biological mum or if anonymous they feel sad about not knowing her.
• I experience pregnancy complications with a baby that’s not biologically mine.

Or I want to pursue adoption even if…

• I never get to experience pregnancy.
• My baby has an undiagnosed condition later on due to a difficult start on life. (this happened to a friend. Her child has a serious developmental issue probably related to the mother not taking care during pregnancy. It wasn’t disclosed at adoption. She’s had to give up work to care for him.)
• The child wants to find the birth parents one day and I am sad about this.

Just a few scenarios there that I have considered. What I will say about options involving pregnancy. I was very naive about it before I went through it. For me it was HARD!! I couldn’t work due to hyperemisis so was on and off bed bound for the first six months. For the last two months I was on crutches and could barely walk. I then needed major surgery to deliver. Luckily no serious complications but I know people who have nearly died. I think @sabtom made a really valid point about putting your body through a pregnancy when the baby isn’t biologically yours. Chances are you will be fine but be prepared, not everyone can work through their pregnancy and some women take a long time to recover. I also know women who’ve had to take longer than a year off as baby still not sleeping well at a year. So how you feel about your career is probably a factor in your decision. Just sharing because I didn’t consider these aspects. Maybe you’re more aware of these issues than I was.

I really do feel for you @October1979 it’s such a tough one. I do hope our musings are helpful. I think all routes to parenthood have potential risks and challenges. It’s a case of weighing up which ones are right for you and your partner.

Also follow @ittakes_three on Instagram. This is a man who have just been through donor egg IVF with his wife after multiple miscarriages. She’s now 30 weeks pregnant and they are very happy and excited.

Personally I think I would prefer donor egg to adoption because I’d at least want DH to be the biological Dad. Also I’d take care during pregnancy so baby would get the best chance of developing normally. As hard as pregnancy and birth can be it’s totally worth it for that bond despite what I said above. It’s difficult to describe but I’ve never felt anything like it. I’m sure you’d love an adopted child the same but I feel it’s a sacrifice. Anyway I’ll stop rambling now. Xx

@Catconfusion I love that list. Such a great way to look at it. I’m the same about thinking about worst case stuff too!

The only thing I’d “disagree” with (I use the term loosely) is that pregnancy is required for that special bond. I guess unless you’ve adopted a baby too (correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think you have) how can you be sure the bond isn’t the same, albeit formed differently?

I have a friend who has two adopted children and one biological (a “surprise” baby after being told she was infertile). She says she feels no differently towards them at all. Her phrase - which honestly makes me tear up - is “my first two were born from my heart and my third was born from my body”. I think once you’re holding that child: you’re a mum.

But i do I understand what you mean. Xx

@Geriatric1234 that’s a lovely phrase from your friend. It made me tear up!

@Geriatric1234 glad to know I’m not the only who is a catastrophist 😂.

You’re right, I can only imagine what it’s like to hold an adopted baby. But I just can’t imagine it’s the same feeling. It’s so hard to put into words. Not to say it’s not special or amazing in its own right to hold an adopted baby, I’m sure it is. For me the pregnancy and birth is a unique part of the journey. I think the bond can be as strong with an adopted child and they’d be loved the same if that makes sense but giving birth adds a layer to that bond a guess. For me it’s not a sacrifice I feel I could make however for someone else it might be. You never know I might feel differently in a few years if it doesn’t work out naturally for us.

Aww your friend sounds amazing. It’s so good to hear a positive adoption story, especially after having a biological experience.

I’m sure many many people have positive experiences. I know four couples who have adopted. One had an amazing experience with their two boys, another adopted a boy with developmental delay and is now taking the local authority to court because it wasn’t disclosed. The other couple had one healthy boy and a baby girl with foetal alcohol syndrome which only was symptomatic later on so they didn’t know. The last couple sadly had a still birth with their second child so adopted a baby girl and all was good there.

I don’t know much about adoption so only commenting with what I know from people I know and from my perspective having had ds. It’s good to have a range of opinions and perspectives on here though. Xx

So here's a question that I'm interested in hearing from from guys. If you physically couldn't birth a child, but a surrogate carried you child, your egg and partner's sperm, so 100% biologically yours, do you think the bond would be less?

Annnnndddd go! 😁

@sabtom no I don't, I think it would take longer but be there just as well, it's something I've considered in my head along with egg donation, adoption etc even though I absolutely loved carrying my two I would still consider any of them if I can't have one naturally as the alternative of not having one is just not something I'll be happy with!

@sabtom Ooooh I was gonna ask that!! ;-D

I don't want to belittle the experience of pregnancy at all, I think it's incredible (and I think it even more so since TTC!!!) and I've no doubt it gives a 'pre-bond' to a child. But to go through so much with surrogacy/adoption...surely that fight to get the child you want is at least equally as bonding because it hasn't come naturally. I dunno.

Part of me thinks this is like comparing flying to sailing - as long as you get to the ultimate destination will you really care how you got there?