been ttc #1 since forever...

[nomoremagnolia]

Feeling very fed up with failing every month and wondered if there's anyone in the same boat? It's a lonely boat on a journey to nowhere at the moment, but if anyone else wants to join me, some company would be nice

EXCUSE ME

Calling HERBACEOUS

Hiya...hopefully you remember me.
If you have a moment can you pop over to miscarriage thread I have started..

M/C 7 Looming

Thanks

thanks gilly, I'll tell DH. He has a GP appointment on Tuesday to discuss the results, more tests, what next etc, but at the moment he really doesn't want to talk to me about it until he has more information. DH is a "facts" man and hates speculation (a scientific brain ). But he needs to go in armed with information so he can ask the right things.

Hello everyone. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow and so far everything is ok. No bleeding and only mild AF-like pains so far. I also have really sore (.)(.)s and mild nausea this week. I'm going for a scan a week on Friday. I'm so scared of another ep or another mmc. Even just thinking about the scan makes me feel panicky. God knows how I'll feel when the day comes round - I'm dreading it.

Hope you are all ok.

OK all- I have a few random thoughts and think this is the only place I could express them... how much do you feel defined by your inability to have a baby? I do. And it is wierd because 2 years ago I never considered it as being important. And now... it is everything. How do I get back to that feeling of "if it happens- great"?

How tired are you of being so over aware of your body? I used to forget it was there and now I look at every sign and most of the time it confuses me.

Do you sometimes feel really positive and think "it will happen" and then the next day think "it will never happen"? and worry about that negativity will affect your chances? Do you feel a little black cloud is following you?

Do you think about every bad thing you ever did and wonder if this is you come-uppance?

Do you think maybe I should just be patient and it will happen...

How do we get through all of this?

So- I think that in a few months we (who are left) should go out and celebrate how (despite the fact we don't want to be in this position) not having a baby allows for certain greatness....

Oh lulu (((((big hugs))))))) you sound rather I think it's totally natural to feel so confused.
In answer to your questions -

1. completely defined by it (most of the time)
2. I don't know
3. fairly, though I gave up on temping ov testing a while ago and I'm no longer quite so aware of what CD I am, but once AF is even a day late I do start wondering if every twinge is a symptom.
4. definitely - some days I feel I can never see myself being a mum and other days I feel 'well you never know...' (does that pass for optimism?)
5. definitely - and it's the worst thing because you're blaming yourself. I feel the same way about being stressed about FTC
6. not always - but then our IVF is moving forward a quite a pace, so I actually feel that someone is looking over us. However it is a fragile peace and it can be shattered by the tiniest thing - a pg stranger or someone being frustrated/angry with their child in the supermarket - I want to tell them how lucky they are.
7. again sometimes - but my faith helps me a bit with that as once our sins are forgiven they are not held against us any more. I also believe (though I have to keep reminding myself) that God won't give me anything I can't handle. My old youth leader had multiple m/cs before I knew her and she said that the thing that kept her going was knowing this, however hard it seemed at the time.
8. I hate waiting and we're already going down the IVF route, so I'm not really the best person to ask.
9. I really don't know, but we've got our partners and each other (on here I mean) I really feel I came across MN at the point I really needed it - again maybe someone was looking out for me?

Two years ago I was such a different person too...regarding ttc that is, I'd like to think that I'm basically the same person otherwise (or maybe not has FTC fundamentally changed me? In some ways maybe it has)

Hi Lulu - I can identify with everything you wrote. I feel defined by a certain curiosity and judgment from my friends and family. They can't work out whether I am a too career focused (I am not) or having trouble TTC. I have a well paid, interesting job. Many friends were in the same career, but have dropped out of because of impossible demands in juggling family and work - I obviously don't need to make that choice, which i would (freely!). One of the ways friends come to terms with the confusion they felt at giving up their career is to talk down what they once did and what I still do and tell me I am "missing out" .

Pathetic though it sounds when I type this out, I worry about losing close, happy friendships as one consequence of not having DC's. OF COURSE keeping up with friends is not the reason we want to TTC, but I found out yesterday that a group of our closest friends (all with DC's) went to a family friendly pub for Sunday lunch. Added up to 10 babies, toddlers and little ones and we weren't invited. DH and I are part of the old crowd, but they have assumed that we no longer have anything in common. Hey, I like other people's kids

I do worry it will never happen and have up days and down days. Today is down because AF turned up for me. I haven't given up all hope, but I now don;t expect the possibility of a BFP every month

I don't think fertitlity issues have anything to do with things I have done in an earlier part of my life. I sort of believe that what goes around comes around, but it's not something I apply to my situation now. And DH - what has he done to deserve this?

hello londonlottie - it look slike you, me, gilly and herbaceous are at different stages of the same thing.

Lulu - can I just agree with everything you said? I'm particularly annoyed with the fact I just wish myself into the future all the time - waiting for ovulation, testing. My life is fabulous and I'm fixated with the one negative aspect.

Hi all

No more- yes was a bit blue or at least a bit philosophical! It was late and I was trying to get to sleep. Tell me more about the IVF as that is our next step. Are going private? How long is the waiting list etc.

Gryf- that is so awful that you weren't invited! That is rubbish. I'm also sorry that AF reared her ugly head.

I definitely think it best to dwell on positives- I have an absolutely corker of a DH. Great friends etc etc. I want to focus on this more and more. My mum always points this out to me (mainly because of 3 sisters all have DP that are seen as problematic!!)

Rattling- you are so right about wishing into the future.

Was out shopping earlier and went into a book store. I was drawn towards the parenting section and a book titled BEYOND CHILDLESSNESS......OMG I was in tears...
I was going to buy it but just couldn't bring myself to doin it.
I HATE ALL OF THIS

Hi Oinker,

I hate all of this too .

My sister tells me that she never anticipated motherhood would be so wonderful.

My cousin is expecting first baby next week.

My SIL told me that I am too selfish for children.

PIL thought I was too career driven for children.

Friends - most can't be arsed to check out how I am, others tell me "well at least youv'e been pregnant". My really "good" friends are all away for a hen party this weekend, but as I haven't been particularly good company over the last 12 months. It was suggested I only went for the meal tomorrow night!

Lulu - I do not think I deserve this and yes I hate that when I was pg 2nd time around I was so scared it would go wrong. And what do you know - it did!

If it hadn't been for m/c, I would have had a baby in a month.

Yes Oinker, I too really, really hate this .

Barstools !

OK- to add insult to injury my cycles have gone haywire. Anyone willing to interpret this... had lap and dye and ovarian diathermy in October. Had a two relatively normal cycles then one of 45!! then a 21 day cycle(but spotting a few days before) and now have started spotting on CD 12. OF course I got my hopes up thinking "just maybe" but that very light spotting has continued for 4 days and has now turned heavier. I just can't make sense of it- but then it sounds like maybe no sense can be made. I just can't quite believe that I am having a 16 day cycle so I guess my hormones are completely whacked. I already had an appointment to see my GP and so will just wait a week for that.

Hi, I already have a dd but can I join in this thread? I have a dd who is 3 and a half. We have been TTC for 2.5 years. Had tests on DH's sperm (which were fine), checked for ovarian cysts, blood tests suggest I'm ovulating and had lap & dye in Sept - left tube was fine but right tube was partially blocked.

I had a difficult c section with dd and lost a lot of blood - am wondering whether this has done something as we conceived dd quite easily.

Am now on my first month of IUI. Taking clomid (50mg), had my first scan on Fri and am back on Mon for my second one (CD12). The scan on Fri showed eggs in my right ovary- am slightly worried about this as my right tube was partially blocked when I had lap & dye and so risk of Eptopic.

Just wanted to post on here as I can see that lots of you are in a similar position. I find it hard to talk to my friends/family as no-one else I know has had problems conceiving and most say well at least you have one, don't you think you are overreacting It's nice to know you're not alone....

Hi everyone.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been a bit mad here, DP's Dad was taken into hospital. Looks like he is on the road to recovery now - was touch and go for a while.

I have had two acupuncture sessions now, felt wonderful after 2nd session - was much more enjoyable than first time. Definatley relaxing but will have to wait and see if it helps hormones etc.

My day 21 test this month was no use, wrong timing again. GP is going to refer us to the hospital now as by the time we are seen we will be ttc 12+ months. Had to break the news to DP that he will have to do a sample. He is not impressed but will do it. We have to phone and book a time with the lab to take it in, so DP will have to produce it and get it there within one hour! Lucky we only live a 20 min drive away! Is this normal procedure??

GP agreed that it would be good for me to do day 1-3 bloods before hospital appointment, so that's next for me.

Forgot to ask how long we will have to wait for first appointment at hospital - how long was it before you were seen?

Not sure how I feel about being referred. I guess it is good that we are not being fobbed off etc but not nice having to admit there is a problem

Hello everyone - you might recognise me from other ttc threads - ttc for 2 years now + 1 mc. just had to reply to lulu's message, I so could have written it myself.

I dream of those days when AF was just an inconvenience and like you said my body just allowed me to do things I was never this aware of it.

I do get those days when I think of all those times when I was younger and free when I used to tell people I didn't want kids. I even wonder if I have to live a month of ttc for each time ( probably not but hey it feels like it).

I think my job helps as everyday I work with people who have injuries and it does help me to pick myslef up and have a good look at the positives. It is so hard sometimes, mn definately helps.

Have my HSG on Friday, I really just can't wait to find out results and see if there is anything up or 'unexplained'

I can't help thinking that we need a whole sack of baby dust over here, in the law of averages one of us shold be having a BFP soon!!! Good luck everyone

Hi poppy- thanks for your post. Yes, we all need a bit of luck and baby dust!

Hiya girls
Just checking in - how's everyone? Am also passing on a message from Ready - she's fine and wanted me to say hello to you all Coggy - I told her about your failed IVF and she said to say she was really sorry to hear it didn't work. I don't know if she'll be back soon or not (after breaking her self-imposed MN ban last night she might be) but anyway, I said I'd pass on this message and I have now! (Sorry I ddn't do it sooner Ready )

Gryffingirl
I just wanted to say i totally identified with ur mail. I have a challenging working life and i do believe friends and family dont understand and think i have put off moving on with my family life in order to further my career. This isnt true, although i dont want to put my career on hold, to cut stress levels, in case it turns out that i do actually FTC. With out getting to political, i do think it is hard for women of a certain age, we really cant do right for doing wrong!
My appointment re my L&D is looming now, monday 10th, so will hopefully attain a degree of clarification on the next step. Think i will keep this information to myself for a while, i find it quite hard, all the explaining(to family mostly). Anyway, Hi to everyone, hope ur all in a good place!! Ill check in again with results from monday.

Hi guys, Sorry not been on recently. Hope everyone is ok.

I have a virus and feel bloody miserable... GRr... well its that time of the month again and having my IUI tomorrow. Had the injection today and going back for insemination at 3pm tomorrow. I have 2 eggs this time, so double the chances.... I'm trying not to get too excited, but quite excited!

Poppy - good luck with your HSG tomorrow.

Minnow - sorry to hear about your hubbie... bloody hell! How scary! Hope he feels better soon.

Hopingforbabyno2 - sounds like we are going through similar treatments at the moment. I'm on clomid too and doing IUI. Hows it all going?

lulu1414 - sorry to hear about your cycles. I would defo go to your GP. Did the lap and dye show anything?

nomoremagnolia - thanks for the message from Ready. Hope you are OK.

kd73 - I hate bloody SIL's! What do they know. From just meeting you on here, you certainly do not seem selfish and will be a wonderful mother. Forget what everyone else says, people just don't have a clue. {{BIG HUGS}}

oinker - So sorry to hear about your mc... it is so unfair. {{{BIG HUGS}}} What has your consultant said?

Hello to everyone else... sorry my hubbie is calling me... Gilly hope your ok!

Good luck tomorrow Rah, I have everything crossed for you.

Sending loads of postive vibes your way

Rah Sorry you've not been well - best of luck for tomorrow I will be cheering on those eggs for you

Hello just quick post to say that tubes were ok with HSG. Have to wait until April to discuss next step with consultant. not sure what that will be. Take care think I will try and have a few weeks break, good luck with all those BFP

Good news, Poppy. Have a good break- try to put it out of your mind as best as possible.

Hope everyone is doing OK. I'm off to the GP on Monday to see what the next step is and also tell her about my wonky cycles post lap and dye.