TTC after MC - October 2020 (Thread 14)

[VP91x]

Morning all xx

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Hi ladies need a bit of advice, have had a little bit of very light pink spotting ( when I wipe) today and some very mild cramps not like period cramps though, could it be implantation? Or is af rearing her ugly head?

How many DPO are you @Katy34 ?

@chloedancer897 my af is 7 days late, was just starting to get my hopes up🥺

It's hard to know then @Katy34 is your cycle usually normal?

Hi @Katy34 what cd are you on? Have you tested? Sorry if you've said I haven't been keeping up with the thread. If AF is a week late it might be a little late for it to be implantation bleeding now but could just be early pregnancy spotting or the start of af. I hope it is a good sign for you 🤞🏼xx

@chloedancer897 @Northernsoul90 my cycles are normally 27 days on the dot, af is 7 days late according to my ovia app that I use to track my cycles, I'm now on cd 33 none of usual af symptoms 🥺

@Katy34 fingers crossed for you. Have you tested? You could get bloods done if AF doesn't show?x

@chloedancer897 going to wait and test on Monday if af doesn't show up over the weekend 🙄🥺🙏🤞🌈

@Katy34 keep us updated!xo

@chloedancer897 I will do, thank you for your support ladies 🥺😘😊

Not gonna lie guys, I've had a pretty shitty day after discovering that I'm not even ovulating. Here I was, using OPKs, totally unaware that they meant little to nothing. I'm completely heartbroken as I already know I'm out this month at 4 DPO. It just feels like every month I get another kick in the teeth. I should just accept all these things as a sign that it isn't going to happen for me and that I should just give up. I know I have this little wobble around AF but I don't think I can physically do it anymore. I told my husband earlier and he has completely shut down about it all now. He doesn't even want to talk about it. I feel like my life has been on hold for 3 years and even though I try to get on with things, it's always at the back of my mind. I try not to stress but you always worry about it. I try to make plans but I'm afraid to plan things that might interfere with TTC or planning that I might actually be pregnant and can't commit to it. I'm done. I said I'd give it to Christmas but what's the point? I'm barely ovulating as it is. And I've tried for 3 years. It's just not going to happen. I'm more than happy to stay on the group if that's ok and allowed but I'm done. I just can't do this to myself anymore

@chloedancer897 aww that's awful news, what tests have you had done if any? Have you thought about ivf, iui or icsi? My gp was starting the process of referring me to the local fertility clinic when I was waiting for af to come ( still light spotting no af ) my OH and I have been ttc for two years now had two mc last year just 7weeks apart! Don't let your other half shut you out hunny, sit down and talk through how your both feeling and discuss what you both want to do next, even try booking consultation with your gp or with a fertility specialist find out what your options are! You know where we are if you ever need to talk things through! 🙂🙁🥺 do you have snap chat or instagram? You could talk with me on there if you want to that is, my snap chat is burns25.kb and my Instagram is katie7374 feel free to add me if you want to chat directly xx

@Northernsoul90 had all my investigations done although they were done 2 years ago now. All normal at the time. I don't think that's the case anyMore. We are on the waiting list for IVF but everything has been stopped due to covid. We were meant to have an apt in April but that was cancelled and I've heard nothing since. They stopped treatment in April and haven't resumed. It's shocking tbh but it is what it is. I just feel like I've put so much time and effort into this and at some point you have to say enough is enough. Mentally I can't take another year or two of this. And if IVF fails, which it's a high possibility then I'm back at square one anyway. I think I'm resigned now to the fact that it's impossible and taking some control back on my life. I'm lucky to have two healthy and happy children. I need to stop being selfish and appreciate what I have.

@Katy34 tagged the wrong person sorry!

@Northernsoul90 so sorry you find yourself back here again. I hope you're doing ok xo

@chloedancer897 I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I kind of agree with stopping but maybe just stop tracking etc and just carry on DTD when you want without so much pressure...It could be stress as well that's contributing to it not hapenning. Take a break from it all, some relaxation. As you said, you are lucky to have 2. I hope you feel better.

Thank you @MSG92 we actually did about a year of this where we didn't worry too much or track at all. So I can't say I haven't tried that. The first month I started using CBD again was the month I caught and then had the MC after that. But now I'm starting to think that wasn't real. Maybe a false positive. Nevertheless, I'd rather be in control and know that we aren't trying because even if you take a step back and don't track etc, you'll still think it's a possibility and I can't deal with that let down every month. So I'm just going to actively not try from now on. Even though trying and not trying lead to the same conclusion here 😞

@chloedancer897 I feel terrible that I might have made you feel like this!? Honestly, you probably are ovulating most months but it just hasn't happened yet this month or won't as it is one of your anovulatory cycles.

I'm not sure what is best to say, but it's really obvious you're in alot of emotional pain and it is affecting so many aspects of your life. Which is heartbreaking to hear. I would definitely consider forgetting about it until the new year, just so you can completely switch off and enjoy this time of year. Get really festive for Christmas. Reconnect with your partner and take time for yourself most importantly.

Then if you're up to it, look at tracking in the new year. But definitely for the sake of your mental health, take a proper break. I'm sure you and your partner will have sex regularly anyway if you didn't want to rule it out completely. Sending you so much love 💜

@chloedancer897 get in touch with your ivf clinic if you were meant to have an appointment in April just phone up and ask for an update on when you might be seen, no harm on asking for an update, it's not easy is it, each month we all get our hopes up, only for them to be dashed by with af or mc MMc, people tell you it will happen when it happens, or it's gods will, or many other statements that they just dont understand how much it hurts, not only to have your hopes dashed when af turns up but when you get that bfp only for it be taken away from you by mc mmc, that's where this forum is such a great support at least we all understand what each other are going through, ok each of us are different but we have all lost our babies and are praying for our rainbow 🌈 to come and for healthy happy babies in our arms, unless someone has been through what we have all been through (or going through) they just done understand!

@VP91x I'm so grateful you told me this. I really am. Because I would have spent the rest of this month hopeful and now I can just move on from it and write it off. I looked at last months chart and it was much the same. I just wish I'd known this before now and I could have more data to confirm that I'm not ovulating. I'm ready to stop now. You're right, I'm in complete emotional turmoil and it's so unhealthy. I wish I could be more blasé about it all or take a step back and be more casual but I know because it's been so long I actually can't do that. I do think the time has come to accept that this isn't going to happen for me x

@Katy34 absolutely. This group has been an amazing help to me and so full of information and support.

I've rang them several times and they've just said they aren't operating at the minute and I'll hear from them when they resume services. It's so underfunded in NI, I was a year late In getting a consultant review because they were short staffed!

Good luck with your journey, I'll lurk on here to follow everyone and celebrate your BFPs with you all xo

@chloedancer897 your August chart though, you definitely look like. You ovulated. Regardless of the fluctuations the rise was consistent and way above your pre ovulation temps.so August I'd be sure you did ovulate. It is just a shame about this month.

As you said, the pain you're in just radiates through your posts and it makes me so sad. I wish I could give you a massive hug.

It's completely fine that you can't be casual about it, I do think that taking a complete break from it and getting back to doing fun things for you will just completely help free up that mental load. You deserve to be happy. Hopefully if you decide in the new year to re look at things you'll be in a much healthier place to look at things month by month.

It's part of the reason I stepped back from here, it was a bit overwhelming. But please don't leave us if you don't want to. 💕💕

@VP91x thank you so much for all of your wise words and advice. Virtual hug since that's all we are allowed now! I do feel genuinely sad all the time. Like there's a little part of me missing and you can see it when you look at me. I always pictured myself with a big family. I never questioned whether it would happen. I just assumed that's how it would be ( I sound so naive I know!) I think stepping back for at least a few months is definitely a great idea. I can't imagine coming back to this again once I walk away though. I like being in control of things. Which is why this journey has been particularly difficult. I have no control over it. I think that's why I went so mental with Ava, OPKs, vitamins, SMEP, seed cycling, I felt like I needed to take control back. But we've all learned that we have very little control in this situation. I will definitely stay on the group if that's ok, but only to celebrate in everyone else's success, not my own x

@chloedancer897 you deserve to have yourself back, you don't need to live your life in sadness ❤️

As you said, we have so little control over what on earth happens in our bodies unless we start doing IVF and even then! It does not always work out. We cannot spend month after month hating ourselves. Its not fair. I've had to really have a word with myself alot because I have found it tough with the PCOS diagnosis and no ovulation. But what can I do!? I just have to see how my body responds.

Anything you ever need, always here! Xx

@chloedancer897 gosh, I understand why you feel this way after hearing all your emotions and your story, i completely feel you.

I wonder if it may be wise to go for a medical again for your bloods, just to give you peace of mind or answers. In two years, a lot of things can change hormone wise.

If you go on medichecks you can get fertility bloods done so so quickly & their reports are so detailed. They do bloods specifically for fertility, PCOS etc - it’s a great service if for any reason NHS isn’t an option or taking too long etc.

I just really do feel for you lovely.

Like @VP91x mentioned, it’s not a given that you aren’t ovulating. If you aren’t ovulating regularly then maybe this could be your time to identify why and work out a plan to help you ovulate more regular like clomid & PCOS style supplements/herbs etc. Maybe if that’s the reason, you could be so close to your BFP after identifying.

Xxxxxx

@HappyVibes I agree about medichecks. I did their fertility check a few months ago and also did their thyroid check today