Starting TTC again after missed miscarriage part two

[SkyBlue20]

Following on for from this thread, for all of us battling TTC after a MMC:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3910275-Starting-TTC-again-after-missed-miscarriage?pg=1

@Sansa87 wow congratulations! So quick! Lovely news ❤️

@Threnody everything crossed for you. That wait is such a b*tch!

@goldflakepaint welcome, so sorry for your loss. I have 3 close friends who took 1-3 years to conceive the first time & all had MC’s, then all got pregnant within 1-6 months the next time & all got rainbow babies now. It’s hope like this I hold onto, it’s all we can do 🥰

@PurplePansy05 are you still around? Hope all is well & you had a lovely holiday!

Hi @Starfish762, thanks for asking.

The trip went very well, it was great to see my family and best friends. Pleased to report I returned covid-free and even managed a short stay and a couple of trips around the Welsh coast so happy with that. Apart from this, I've also managed to secure a bonus in work, had a haircut and gone back to C25K which is going fairly well. Sadly a couple of new food places opened near me so the diet went out of the window! Still not pregnant, I wasn't even trying because of the trip and then wanted to wait the 2 weeks to make sure I'm covid free. I still haven't heard from the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, I hoped to have a letter confirming my appointment date by now, but nothing has come through and I was given no contact no. Debating whether to just go private instead.

On the face of it things are OK, but my head is in a bad place. Things between DH and I have gone pear shaped, I don't want to write a litany on here but it's got to the point where I've concluded I'm exhausted, I'm the driver of this relationship and he's just painfully passive, zero initiative, happy go lucky chap... which means on top of coming up with any ideas, I have to be the planner, the chief organiser, the doer, the supervisor, you name it... It's a second full time job because he's shirking responsibilities of adult life at nearly 40. I'm pissed off and tired. I actually don't know if I even love him anymore. I can't see my future long term living like this. But if I leave now, where is that going to leave me, divorced, single, childless (that's the main thing) in a pandemic? My 34th birthday is coming up and I'm having a full on midlife crisis. I've concluded that my life is shit and that's not how I want to live for the next 50 years. I know this sounds horrible. Maybe the three miscarriages have taken its toll on me and something has changed in my thinking. Anyway I'm feeling really stuck and don't know what to do, whether to TTC or what.

I'm also upset at seeing pregnant women again. I walk around and see other women and try to work out in my head how much younger than me they are and they already have children.

Just not a good place at all.

I'm sorry I've not caught up with the thread so don't know where everyone is right now, but sending love to you all, wherever in your journey you are xxx

@PurplePansy05 oh I’m so sorry to read all of that. Like you say it could be all you’ve been through that’s made things seem worse than they are. Depends if you had these thoughts about DH before it all I suppose? You’ve been under a lot of pressure with work too eh. Can you speak to him about it? Try not to compare your relationship to others you see , especially online as that’s not real at all (maybe you’re not doing this anyway, but just in case). Did you get offered CBT after your third MC? Maybe you already had it (someone on here did), it may help to have it again but delve more into the relationship effects etc.

Sending love, life really isn’t easy!

I’ve been a proper moody cow the past 2 days, blaming AF & hormones! I’m looking forward to going back to the dreamland 2 weeks that is TTC where I’m hopeful & happy, rather than overthinking how long it’s going to take etc.

@Starfish762 Yes, I've always known that about him so I guess I only have myself to blame.

But I think the last 1.5 years have really taken it out of me and I just haven't got it in me anymore to drag and lift two adults through life, it was hard enough to go back to a place where I can do this for myself. I used to be extremely energetic and had a lot of get up and go before all this happened to me and I don't have it anymore.

No, I've not had any therapy offered at all. I had it after my first MMC only. I don't know if I am bad in a sense that I need a counsellor or if I'm actually seeing things for what they are and that's it really. DH is not a bad guy, but I'm just unhappy and I can't hide it. I don't want to risk divorcing now and not meeting someone else to have DCs with, that would destroy me. So I think I'll shut up and stay put for the sake of this, I couldn't face not being a mum after all I've been through. It just feels shit all around. Xxx

Really not a great situation to be in, only you know how you feel and how you can proceed. Hopefully telling him how you feel will help make some serious changes xx

@Sansa87 Why did boss shake his head?

@WildflowerPetals just based on opks, temp, and pattern from the last couple of cycles. I could be 8 or 10dpo. No spotting yet. I'm glad I've got the appointment, as it is giving me something else to focus on, too. Are you still planning to get a checkup?

@Starfish762, yep, the wait is a killer!

@PurplePansy05 oh that sounds like an awful situation. Glad you at least got to enjoy your holiday, and had some positive stuff with work and C25k. Men are generally rubbish at the emotional load/planning stuff, as in this comic (about mothers, but I think it holds true for anyone): www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear
I am so sorry you are feeling like this.

@Threnody I know this comic SO well. The Guardian published it few years ago and I sent it to DH at the time as it illustrates exactly how I'm feeling. It's the mental load of it all that is just too much and unfair, I feel after everything that's happened I only have limited capacity to deal with this sort of things, whereas in the past I took on way more than I ever should. Maybe he can change but somehow I doubt it. He's the kind of guy that needs a nudge (or more like a push off the cliff) to notice, do and finish anything. I read some stories on MN and know some women have it a lot worse than me, I should probably shut up and put up with, at least in order to end up with a DC, hopefully. I'll just have to focus more on myself and get out more, just me and my friends. Isolation in lockdown probably hasn't helped in that regard and magnified how I'm feeling.

Anyway, enough moaning. I'm off for another C25K this eve, booked myself a couple of beauty treatments and... a surfing lesson 🤭 That is officially a midlife crisis, I've never done anything like this before 😂🏄🏼‍♀️ My AF should be here next week, last cycle was short for me, 30 days. Still a month before I could even have a hint of hope for a new pregnancy. Will use this time wisely as who knows what's ahead with a possible second wave etc. I actually would like to live my life a bit this year. Xxx

@Threnody Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll ask for bloods to check my hormones to try give myself some peace of mind.

AF is due next Tuesday but I think I’m going to take an early response pregnancy test Friday just so I know where I’m at.

@PurplePansy05 Sorry you’re going through a tough time, sending love. Maybe you should look into seeing a therapist, with you saying you don’t really feel like yourself after the MMC it might do you some good. You don’t have to be on the brink to see a therapist, I’ve seen one before for anxiety x

Thanks @WildflowerPetals. I don't think after 3 MCs I'll hear anything different to what I heard after my first MMC so not convinced how helpful this could be now. But not discounting it. X

Af showed up this morning, so I guess I was right about my ovulation timing. Glad I've got the appointment tomorrow.

@Threnody so sorry, hope you’re okay. It never gets any easier after so much effort to DTD, eat right, take vitamins, and just live in a bubble of hope does it ☹️ I was pretty upset last week when mine came but lots of plans & keeping busy has put me in a much better headspace, if it doesn’t happen again this month least I have lots of nice things to distract me & make me feel good.

@PurplePansy05 I guess it just depends if you’re feeling any differently now to how you felt after your first. Just go with your gut x

@Threnody Sorry AF has arrived 😔 Hope you get somewhere with your appt tomorrow x

Does anyone else’s BBT chart look similar to mine? I had a 2 day dip after ovulation but now my temp is rising again (to above what it was immediately after ovulation) x

After a bit more research I’ve just answered my own question, didn’t realise BBT stays high during LP 🙈 This is all a learning curve! Haha x

@WildflowerPetals yep, bbt should stay high during lp, sometimes with a bit of fluctuation. If you look at the pregnancy monitor on ff it will tell you if your temps are trending up/down/stable. Some people get temps dropping before af.

I had my appointment, which I got really nervous about, but was good. She's going to do a CD2-5 blood test (so I have to get that done in the next couple of days), and a progesterone level test at around CD26, and refer me for an ultrasound scan, to check everything is ok. She wants to check for polycystic ovaries too (my sister has that, and couldn't have children naturally). It felt really good to be taken seriously. She also advised against using opks, as they cause stress, and said I should just have sex three times a week!

@WildflowerPetals This could be an implantation dip, bit early, but who knows??? Temps are erratic sometimes and it's not always crystal clear that a BFP is on the way! I'd be testing around 12 DPO if your temp stays high.

@Threnody I'm glad your appointment went well. It sounds thorough and you'll have some answers and for now, peace of mind - priceless!

@Starfish762 I've been thinking about your words in one of your earlier posts about living your life, regardless of TTC. They really stayed with me, I think you're right. Looking back I spent nearly 18 months of total putting my life on hold because of TTC/pregnancy/miscarriages. It makes no sense and it has drained my energy a lot. I think I didn't like life very much and subconsciously postponed a lot, even though I was telling myself I wasn't doing that.

So yesterday I decided to do something for me. I bought a car. Only a little runner, but I've been saving for it for a while and there was always something more important, primarily I was prepping for going for private tests and whatever else if needed. But do you know what, it's made me happy. I have my freedom back, there's still money left in the saving pot and although it could be more, I'll save up again. Maybe sometimes I need to learn to believe that things will work out ok and stop worrying about everything, babies, covid, DH issues, job security, all at once. I have finally put myself first. It feels good. I drove to the beach this morning for a swim and I loved every minute of it.

Speaking of my RMC appointment, a letter has arrived today. They couldn't do genetic testing on my baby because there was too much maternal tissue. That's very disappointing because we will never know if the baby had a genetic issue or not. They're also asking me to have thyroid function and thrombophilia blood tests at the hospital. I had to ring them because they forgot to enclose the blood tests form and they told me on the phone that my RMC appointment will be on the 28 Sep, virtually. I'm happy it's happening, I suspect I will have to go privately to get more tests done, particularly karyotype considering the circumstances, possibly NK Cells too. But at least there is some movement. I think because of that, September will be another non-TTC month for me, but I'd rather get this done and over with now Xxx

@Threnody I didn’t know there was a pregnancy monitor on FF, I’ve just had a look and it says my temps are on the up trend which I guess is good! But I’m not going to get my hopes up as this is my first month tracking BBT and could just be my normal pattern.

Sounds like you’re appt went really well! Glad they are doing some tests and not just fobbing you off. I can understand the advice regarding OPK’s, at least you now know when you should ovulate from using them previously though. I’ve always been a little concerned I may have PCOS as I have some symptoms of it, which is another reason I’ll probably contact my GP if I don’t get BFP this time x

@PurplePansy05 I did think that about an implantation drop but don’t want to get my hopes up. My LP is usually 11 days so I might test with a cheapie on Friday to see if I get a faded line, if not, I’ll wait and see if my period comes next Tuesday.

I think it’s so easy to lose yourself when TTC because all your energy and thoughts go into making a baby and researching everything. It’s lovely you’ve been able to do something for yourself and focus on your happiness and wellbeing. Sorry you didn’t get the result you wanted from the genetic testing but hopefully something will come from your next appt x

Thank you @WildflowerPetals.

I don't want to get your hopes up because I know what it feels like when you don't get the news you've hoped for in a week or so, I've been there many times. But if you have an 11 day LP then it's more likely it could have been an implantation dip. Keep looking and test at 10 DPO maybe? What do you think? Xxx

Glad you're getting tests done @Threnody

@PurplePansy05 Sounds like you're in a tough situation. Women definitely have to deal with the mental load as men are just....men. Carefree and easy going. Hope you'll be ok, but good news that you're finally getting some help. You've waited ages.

@PurplePansy05 I’ll keep monitoring my BBT, I’ll be 9 DPO Friday and I’m supposed to be going out with some friends that night so I think I’ll test then and see what it says but I know it won’t always be picked up that early x

@purplepansy05 sorry you’re going through such a tough time, I would second the suggestion of speaking to a therapist, I’ve found it really helpful to reflect and consider new perspectives and it has helped me identify and challenge my own thought patterns (still a work in progress!) i hope the appointments coming up give you some peace of mind too x

@threnody glad you are getting some help and hope the tests will be useful if there is any underlying cause. Hopefully the OPK data you’ve collected would also help to diagnose or rule out anything like PCOS? Fingers crossed for you x

@Threnody glad you’re getting some help & they’re taking things seriously, hope you get some answers soon.

@PurplePansy05 congrats on the new car! Why the hell not! TTC really is all consuming physically & emotionally, putting our life on hold takes its toll month after month when we don’t get a BFP. When I had the MMC I beat myself up that it was because I had a really boozy night a few days before I found out I was pregnant, so I started being careful when TTC this time, then it took it’s toll on me basically having no social life & feeling isolated, especially after lockdown. Now I’m living life as normal, and am just putting it In my diary not to make plans or drink on the weekend before AF is due. Hopefully speaking to a therapist will help you look at situation with DH in a new light. Also speak to him & tell him how you’re feeling, to try & change things? Like everyone else said as a woman I also carry the mental load, drives me nuts but it’s just the way it is - but I don’t mind so much because he cooks & does 50% of the childcare for our 3 year old. He still drives me nuts obv as no relationship is perfect, but the negatives & frustrations are just that when I look at the overall picture. A new mindset for you might help. But regardless speak to him & an external source, you have nothing to lose & everything to gain xx

Just checking in a saying Hi!

A new car sounds amazing @purplepansy05, a great pick me up and giving you independence as well! Sorry you're having a hard time, sometimes men just don't get it. My husband finished work at 4, sat on the sofa for 45 minutes then declared he was off to pick up dd from nursery. I pointed out that we needed to entpy the dishwasher and he looked at me like I had two heads and why didn't I say anything before? He emptied it but didn't reload it.... meanwhile I was working until 5:30 and he got in a huff when he got home and dinner wasn't started????!!!! He could have prepped it before he did the nursery run while I was working instead of sitting on his arse!

@Threnody glad they are testing and looking into things for you.

@WildflowerPetals are you still planning on testing tomorrow?

@Workingmama1 Hi, hope you’re well. Decided not to test today, think I’ll wait until Sunday x