Starting TTC again after missed miscarriage

[Smilingdonkey]

Hi,
Just ovulated for the first time after my missed miscarriage at 13 weeks (baby had stopped growing at 6-7) and wondered if anyone wanted to keep me company while we go through the ups and downs of ttc all over again! ! Xx

What I meant is that on tv they link it to some dramatic event, like a difficult conversation on the phone, hearing some bad news, tripping over something, and then boom, you've miscarried. This isn't how things work in RL.

The sudden gush of blood like you described is horrific, I don't think I've read many stories like that. That's very scary. I guess the only consolation was that you had the scan before and they found out the MMC, but still, I don't think anything can prepare you for the physical aspects at all. The least that can be done is to talk it through and process it in time. I found once you do that, it really does get lighter and easier. But a lot of the time these aren't the memories that that we readily want to go back to. I found there were a lot of triggers (particularly blood) for months after my first MMC. It took around 6 months to go away, but it's a scary place to be when suddenly you lose your sense of normality with such simple things, such as few droplets of blood. Things become more complex for some time.

They don't talk us through the physical aspects properly in hospitals either, they skirt around it (my hospital and GP did before). I don't find that very helpful, personally I'd rather know stories like ours because whilst it probably would be a scary thing to hear, I'd have known a bit better what to expect. Not knowing made things a lot worse. I find knowledge empowering in our situation and comforting in that pregnancy and loss are out of our control and the only way to protect ourselves and have some control over how we react to it is to understand things as much as we can. Alternatively, not think about things too much, but that's a very difficult path after loss. I personally found knowing more now has helped me with the emotional side of things and made me ask the right questions to the professionals, it was far more valuable to speak to them. But I still think the onus of asking shouldn't be on us in that situation.

@Poppy10121

All I will say is don't hesitate to seek help. I found a grief counsellor and used to go once a month for 5 months I think. I can't tell you how much it helped me, although after the first 2 sessions I didn't think it did anything, so be prepared to give it a go over longer time. I'd say go regardless of TTC - counselling will help you whether you're pregnant or not just yet. I regret I was trying to be a hero and delayed seeking help till I was really poorly "because I'm a strong person and strong people don't need psychological help". This isn't true. Plus I later found out LOTS of my friends and colleagues had professional help at different stages in life. Do it as a gift to yourself, it will help you heal and move forward and that's an invaluable help right now. You've recognised the need for it, don't hesitate.

Re the helplines, they can help, but personally I think they're better as a secondary source, not the main one. Purely because you'll be best of having continuity with a counsellor that knows you and your story well. The helplines are very helpful on an ad-hoc one-off basis, particularly if you're feeling acutely unwell.

What is it that you find you're struggling with most right now? What scares you most? You don't have to answer, I'm only asking because there are different types of counselling and therapy that might be most helpful.

My MMC I was lucky it was all sorted quite quickly, I had the scan in the morning at our local hospital, went straight to the main hospital where I was given a leaflet and a chat and left to discuss things with oh, then booked in for SMM the next morning. The sonographers were lovely, and gave me a hug, and got me and oh water. The dr at the main hospital was a no show, so I spoke to a nurse, who was a bit brusque and not entirely helpful. It was just the dr after the SMM who was actually rude.

@PurplePansy05 you're right that the drs don't talk you through the physical aspects, it's like they don't want to talk about it at all, just get you through and out of their hair.

I get quite upset with every period I have, it just seem like a reminder.

Evening all!

@PurplePansy05 Glad the blood test went well, hope the results don’t take too long!

@Sakura54 Gosh, the thought of a booking appt! Bet it feels like it’s only just happened. They really should just be able to use your last one! When do you think you’ll tell your parents about the pregnancy?

@Workingmama1 Sorry AF is there and that’s so cute of your daughter (albeit not the reminder you want!) How funny about yours and your husband’s pressies, bet the seller had a chuckle when doing them! Hope you have a lovely anniversary tomorrow 💕

Thanks @JoJo58995 💕 Sorry you had a bad experience too, I just can’t believe how almost all of our care has been!

@Poppy10121 Definitely seek some sort of help if you think it will be beneficial - you do whatever you feel you need to, what we’ve been through is horrendous and it’s quite normal to need a hand hold through it all 💕

How is everyone today?
Husband asked me this morning how I was feeling and if I felt nauseous (I did) and said how he was desperate to test 💕 It was lovely as although I know he cares as much as I do, he never really shows it. I, on the other hand, really don’t want to test 😂 I don’t think I am pregnant, I just don’t feel that I am, despite the nausea and the nipples, but if no AF by Wednesday (earliest) or next weekend then I’ll test. I’ve also come out in loads of spots which I guess could be AF or PG - it happened in April, too, after we’d found out about the MMC but before the MVA, then they disappeared after the MVA so God knows the reason why they’re there!
Spent the day doing some work and now just about to make dinner and watch some telly. DH is at his mum’s so I can watch This Is Us - does anybody watch it? I can’t get enough!

@SkyBlue20 I've never watched it, I see Mandy Moore is in it, I really like her. I'll check it out.

When do you think to test? I'm not thinking anything about this cycle, it's unlikely. I had odd twinges, abdominal heaviness, tender breasts and I'm a crier (cried all the way through Pete's Dragon today), also spots. But all these things came in waves and mean nothing. I'm hoping AF will be here next week and then onto the new cycle which might be more regular and at least I'll know when to DTD.

I spent my day resurrecting my trainers with white polish (I know, my life is so interesting), cooking and booking a cottage to go away next month (yay!!).

Currently sat with the O'Wow treatment in my hair, has anyone used it before? I hope it works!

Have a good evening all, I'm having home-made burtitos, I'm so excited 😂

@PurplePansy05 Yes, Mandy Moore is amazing in it, love her! I must warn though, there is a storyline around pregnancy loss in the first episode or two (still birth), so maybe worth avoiding if not in the right headspace for that.
You're doing so well not reading in to your symptoms - I have been awful doing that the last week or so but the last couple of days I've just chilled out. What will be, will be. (I wonder how long that will last 😂)
LOVE that you've been doing your trainers, desperately need to do mine, they're getting beyond repair 🙈 Also need to do a hair treatment. Got a hairdresser appt the week after next and I am so excited!
Cottage sounds exciting, where are you going? xx

@SkyBlue20 That's ok, I don't mind that storyline, but thanks for the warning.

The only reason why I'm not bothered about symptoms anymore is because in all my pregnancies I had them right up till the end, till the actual miscarriage, even though 2 out of 3 were MMCs. So I concluded that even if the symptoms are there, it might not be that much of a reassurance IYSWIM. It is strange, I'm far more relaxed about them now then when I was TTC before. Guess it's the fact I've been through it over and over again and I'm not building myself up as much as I did before.

I got a haircut booked for 18.07 and colour for 1.08 (they couldn't fit me in in one go, soooo busy!). I am SO excited about this! Also having my nails done on 18.07, I'll finally look pampered! 🙌😂

We're going to New Quay in West Wales, Ceredigion. Beautiful place, we've been before. I can't wait to have a proper break after all that happened this year! 🌊☀️

@Poppy10121 I would recommend counselling, we had a lot happening as a family, on my hubby's side when I had my 2nd M/C, in laws also living with us.. and over the year I unravelled with other bits and pieces too.. it has helped fantastically.. just curious would you fly pregnant at the mo?

@Chatbash72 I personally wouldn't. But I think more because I'd be worried I might get covid abroad and be stuck in quarantine, and I wouldn't want to be stuck elsewhere pregnant and ill, think that would make me extremely anxious. If we remove covid risk from the equation then I think there's no issue with flying. I would have flown in May when I was pregnant for a third time, sadly it had to be cancelled.

Now with a perspective of scans every couple of weeks in my next pregnancy, whenever it happens, I'm not planning anything. Too complicated. But I booked a holiday abroad for 2021 🤞

Thanks for the replies @PurplePansy05 @SkyBlue20 and @Chatbash72

I had a day off the forums yesterday because I was feeling really low. I’ve been struggling to concentrate at work this week between symptom spotting in the early part of the week with obsessive googling/looking back at my Flo app for what was going on last time I got pregnant. And then since AF has arrived I’ve been totally miserable. I have always been a very black&white person in my thinking (I know this is not great but I can’t help it!) and so I either think with absolute certainty that I am pregnant and everything will be great, or I think I am infertile, probably approaching menopause, and should prepare to never have a family. I know none of this is logical and rational and I did have some CBT counselling years ago for a gynaecological issue that led to vaginismus and gave me the same thoughts. I have been better in between but I feel myself sinking into despair again even though a tiny logical voice in my head says it’s only been 2 months...
I think my work has an arrangement to pay for some counselling through the EAP so I am going to look into it on Monday.

Sorry for the essay, I hope everyone else is having a good weekend!

@Poppy10121 Please don't apologise. I think we all understand how you feel and why. It is normal and it will change in time, but the right support will make a world of a difference so go for it.

I used to be very much black & white in my thinking too and I'm still working on it. I can relate to what you've described. I'm in no way a specialist, but it sounds very similar to how I felt some time ago. My counsellor was a grief counsellor and she said CBT wasn't necessarily the most suitable because she thought I suffered from heightened anxiety with elements of trauma (after the awful physical delivery). I had PTSD in the past after a different awful event when I was younger and it made a return after my first miscarriage too. But she said the source of everything was grief and the shock of what I've been through physically. I found talking therapy very helpful. The purpose of it was to work through the trauma and give me tools to manage my anxiety when I was slipping into this black way of thinking that nothing is ever going to work out, feeling that I'm not in control. It's very easily done when you're grieving. You've recognised it and that's fantastic, I have no doubt you'll come out the other end. Therapy will be empowering and it will help you navigate through the lower times. In time, there will be less and less of them.

I don't know where I would be without my counsellor now, I certainly would be far more anxious and filled with self-doubt now. I still have moments when I think I'm in the sh*t, I'll never have a baby and it's a complete nightmare, but I know how to ground myself now and they go away fairly quickly.

In the meantime, have you tried meditation?

Afternoon all! Have had some cramps today that have made me think AF is on her way, fingers crossed she isn’t! 🤞🏼😬 Ovia told me to do a test today but that’s based on a 28 day cycle which I don’t think I have so going to wait a few more days. Husband keeps saying he thinks I’m PG as I’ve had symptoms and I’m really trying to manage his expectations and tell him that can happen, just feel like he’s going to be very disappointed when AF arrives. We’ll see though! Had a really boring weekend just working mainly! How’s everyone else’s Sunday going? Xx

@Poppy10121 I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so low, I’m sending lots of love and you know we’re here to chat whenever you feel you need to 💕

@Poppy10121 sorry you're so low, some good advice above, I can just offer big hugs and we're all here when you need us.

@SkyBlue20 the main annoying thing about the tww is all the blooming symptoms that may be pregnancy may also be af! So frustrating. I spoke to my husband last night about wanting to get on with it in case it takes longer to conceive this time, and he's totally convinced we'll just get pregnant next month. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

We've had a dull weekend. Husband is ill, so not much use. I've mostly been doing housework and a bit of crochet, which I find therapeutic. I did my last run of week 3 on couch to 5k this morning, so pleased I survived.

Hi all,
Reading some of your comments I had a thought ...
I just wondered if hospitals offer a debrief session after a miscarriage? I know that you can request one after giving birth and that all hospitals are meant to have a bereavement midwife (there was one doing rounds on my ward after my MC.) We were told about it in NCT classes but the leader told us that they don't advertise it and usually you have to request it. They go through events step by step and it can really help with trauma (I had a friend who had one after an awful birth and said it helped.)
I reckon at the very least they would out you in touch with the bereavement midwife who might be able to offer/ suggest support?

I am suffering with awful anxiety at the moment. I've had cramping, a stitch like pain and lower back pain this weekend and it's really worrying 😔

Xxxxx

There was no debrief for me after any of my MCs. No phone call, no follow up scan, no question "How are you?" or "Do you need more info re MH care?". Nobody ever asked how I was. They gave me a Miscarriage Associate leaflet and off you go, thank you, next.

Theoretically, they are supposed to have a bereavement midwife and they're supposed to be telling us about it. I'm yet to see one in my life and I only found out they exist after the event, through Google.

I think it's a massive missed opportunity, the MH follow ups would have been incredibly helpful with dealing with the loss and also preparing for future pregnancies.

False economy too, it only leads to MH services being overwhelmed, we struggle to get help on the NHS in that regard and no one is happy. Simple solutions would have been so helpful, but this ill-thought out system has not changed for years.

No follow up for me after my miscarriage. They didn't even cancel my midwife appointment, which they said they would, and I had to do it myself. I also got a call from a midwife on the day I found out to book an appointment for fragmin injections, she was very apologetic.
I have heard of bereavement midwives, because I had a friend who had to have a tfmr, and another who had a stillbirth. I didn't realise they dealt with miscarriage too.

Regarding aftercare I had a follow up phone call to see how I was and if I think I passed everything and then told to take a test the week after too see if it was negative.

@smilingdonkey hope the pain eases for you soon. No symptoms for me but I'm guessing it's still early days? Maybe about 3/4 weeks.

Well done on your run, @Threnody! I did exactly 0% of the exercise i was meant to do this weekend. Think I need to just accept that I don’t do it at weekends and fit it all in to the week! 🙈

@Smilingdonkey I’m so sorry to hear about the pain and the anxiety it is causing. Am I right in thinking you have a scan tomorrow (I’ve been stalking the other thread) or is it the following week? Hope you can get some reassurance soon.

Absolutely no follow up with me after my MC either - I didn’t even get a leaflet just a ‘do a test in three weeks and call us if it’s positive’. I did, however, have a text from my midwife telling me I’d missed my 16 week appt, which the hospital had told me they’d cancel and just last week another call from a midwife asking me where I’d been getting my antenatal care, despite me having told the midwife who asked about my 16 week appt what had happened 🤦🏻‍♀️ The communication is awful! I wondered if it was just because my hospital is under a different trust to my midwife but it seems a common thing...

@SkyBlue20 I'm watching Steel Magnolias, I think you said you watched it recently. It's quite emotional, but very heartwarming. Love how it illustrates the power of female friendship.

Ladies. I have just downloaded Coach to 5k. Thanks to you, you've motivated me! Please wish me luck, I'm starting tomorrow. This is the official end of my fatty days!

@PurplePansy05 Alas, not me, but I’ve seen a few people talking about it recently so must give it a go!
Yay, welcome to the C25K club! Force yourself through and you’ll love it, I promise! I even bought a running belt the other day and am actually looking forward to going out running on Tuesday! 😬 Good luck with it tomorrow, you can do it! 💪🏼🏃🏽‍♀️

Oh no sorry! I must have got confused @SkyBlue20! I was convinced you mentioned it on here 😳

So I'm new to this business... What's a running belt??

@PurplePansy05 it was me watching Steel Magnolias. It is a lovely story of women's friendship, just made me sob!
Good luck with the couch to 5K!

@SkyBlue20 I also have no idea what a running belt is! I don't wear proper running stuff at all cos I was convinced I'd not even get this far so didn't want to waste money.

@Threnody Ah! Thanks for reminding me, I started wondering if I'd completely made this up 😂 It is a lovely story, it made me laugh and cry.

I did it!!! Run 1 completed 💪 I'm so grateful I did HIIT training before the pregnancies otherwise it would have killed me. Interval running is hard! Much harder than what I used to do when going out jogging, i.e. jog for as long as I could and then walk. 250 calories done 🥳

Wednesday morning will be hard I feel...

Does anyone do these runs daily (i.e. skipping the rest day)? Only asking because the weather is looking better tomorrow than Weds!