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Conception

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Starting TTC again after missed miscarriage

993 replies

Smilingdonkey · 15/05/2020 20:02

Hi,
Just ovulated for the first time after my missed miscarriage at 13 weeks (baby had stopped growing at 6-7) and wondered if anyone wanted to keep me company while we go through the ups and downs of ttc all over again! ! Xx

OP posts:
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Sakura54 · 01/07/2020 12:27

@PurplePansy05 It’s shocking that the doctor dismissed you like that. How can he think its ok to keep having MCs and that you’re ‘so young’?! He, out of all people, should know that when it comes to pregnancy, over 30 is not young.

I’m ok thanks apart from these pesky cramps. Just waiting for the midwife to call me to arrange my booking in appt. Would be easier if they could just use my details from my last one seeing as it was just the other day lol.

I’m nowhere near a hero, more like a damsel in distress but not when it comes to TTC/pregnancy emotional matters for some reason. I’m probably going to merge households with my family (parents and sis) soon as I get bad symptoms and DH just started a new job on Monday (big career change at nearly 34!) so can’t look after his DW and DS like last time!

As for the pill, I was on it for 13 years! Stopped for over 2 years to have DS but didn’t even use a tracking app until after I had him (probably why it took 5/6 cycles to conceive). Went back on for a year and a half then MMC and here we are, so in total I’ve only tracked my cycle for 7 months not including 1st AFs after stopping pill and MC.

Threnody · 01/07/2020 12:39

@PurplePansy05 thanks! I have all of the vitamin Bs in my prenatal vitamins. Also vitamin C, but only 90mg, studies say you need 775mg to have an effect.
I do track bbt, and yes, it increases in luteal phase by about 0.4 degrees C.

I'm not sure it is a problem, as I've managed to have three children, but fertility friend always tells me it's unusual to have erratic luteal phase, and I read it can cause miscarriage. But obviously I have no way of knowing what caused it.

Bit worried about asking drs to be honest, in case of judgements over my age and wanting baby #4. Especially after the dr after my Surgical management said maybe I should think about ttc since I'd had 3 c-sections.

PurplePansy05 · 01/07/2020 13:17

@Sakura54 I know. But I won't let it deter me and instead I'll redirect my energy and money to someone who will take a better approach.

It sounds like a plan, good that the bubbles are (or will be, where I live) available. At least you'll have company and support whilst your DH can focus. Good luck to him 🍀

Booking appts are so awkward after loss, I agree. I hate explaining my history to GP receptionists and then the community midwife every time 😕

@Threnody I'm shocked with how shoddy you were spoken to. My mum had 5 C-sections in the 80s, surely they could assist you again in 2020s if required. Don't let that put you off Flowers And also there's no judgement on age, crikey. You're allowed to try for as many babies as you wish and when you wish. Even if they're unpleasant to you, at the end of the day, whoever judges you will go back home with their miserable judgements that no one cares about, whereas you'll go home with your new baby. That's all that matters. You should never feel this way, it upsets me to even read it Flowers Very unfair.

Re Vit C, I never knew about that. Very interesting. Your BBT increase sounds fine, it is meant to be around 0.5C I believe and stay that way. If it's erratic then I guess FF is telling you this because it might be linked to a drop in progesterone which in turn might be linked to MC. It's a grey area, isn't it, no one knows if it is a cause or a symptom. But then there are hundreds of successful stories online from women with erratic LPs whose pregnancies were fine regardless. I find LP a complete mystery. Even when tracking BBT, I couldn't work out much from it myself before taking hpt, I had some erratic temps too. I envy women who get those beautiful consistent temps and a clear dip at 9 DPO you see on Google, I'm not one of them 😂

Smilingdonkey · 01/07/2020 14:24

I've just been sitting here thinking about all the experiences of miscarriage I have read about and heard (on here and elsewhere) over the last two months and thinking about what some of you have been saying about how little I myself understood it before I had one (I feel guilty about the lack of real support I have given friends in the past in all honesty.) I feel so sad at how many people have had bad experiences with the medical side of things too. So many people have talked, in one way or another, uncaring doctors or dismissive nurses and a system that forgets the woman at the center of the miscarriage. In fact - when you think about it - even the language around this issue is unpleasant and implies the blame lies with the woman - pregnancy loss (as if we somehow mislaid it) and miss carriage (as if we 'carried' it badly.) I have had some fantastic care but also some dreadful dealings with medical staff. It just makes me sad. It's sadly so common and yet that fact is somehow used as an excuse to belittle the experience in some way.

I'm not going anywhere with this really. Just pondering.

Hope you are all well xxxx

OP posts:
Workingmama1 · 01/07/2020 15:52

@Smilingdonkey femometer is just a type of test that goes with their app. Don't think its sensitive...

@SkyBlue20 I don't think you can put your life on hold during the tww. If you didn't conceive quickly you could spend a very long time being very careful! Maybe just dont go crazy? Though last week as I was off work I did have quite a few glasses of wine/gin as I treated it like an abroad holiday when it was sunny!

@PurplePansy05 interesting you only got your bfp at 14 dpo. I'm a bit crampy today so not sure if that's a sign of AF on her way.

PurplePansy05 · 01/07/2020 16:13

Completely agree, "miscarriage" linguistically creates a negative association, it's a "failure to carry". I don't consider myself or anyone on here a failure. In fact, I consider women who suffered baby loss stronger than most women who haven't and I think just through that experience we ought to be respected. It's not something to be ashamed of.

I think a woman is never at the heart of it in our culture, unfortunately. We're fed this stereotype of having to sacrifice ourselves for others, men, children. If a woman is paid less, exhausted by juggling everything, given less opportunities, then it seems to be ok because it has been like that for ages, hasn't it. So why put her and her welfare at the heart of baby loss, it's just "one if those things". She might be distraught, grieving, in pain, bleeding. Her uterus might be in bits. She might have issues in work and no personal support. But yet again, it is widely accepted that she needs to get on with it and best not speak about her experience because someone else might be upset.

Well, do you know, I call BS. If no one wants to look after me, I'll look after myself. I'll speak out and make them as uncomfortable as they can be. I'll go and find doctors who are supportive and professional. I won't give up on my baby because of these attitudes.

I'm in a male-dominated environment and had to work twice as hard to prove myself, so sadly, that's nothing new. But I can climb that mountain, and we all can do it. There's no bigger strength in this world than a woman rising up to a challenge.

Threnody · 01/07/2020 18:33

@PurplePansy05 I know, it didn't really register at the time, but I got upset afterwards when I realised what she meant. The lady opposite me when I had my youngest had just had her 5th C-section, and I'm quite determined, so ignoring her.

I suppose if I have any further issues I'll see a dr about it, but just hoping at the moment.

@Smilingdonkey and @PurplePansy05 I know what you mean, the language is very geared towards it being a failure on the woman's side, and we're taught not to mention it. I haven't even told my family, or anyone at work other than my manager, just my online friends. And the medical profession are awful, you don't get a booking appt until after you're most likely to have had a miscarriage, so they don't have to deal with you, but that's just wrong. And even when you are pregnant you're made to feel like an imposition - no children in the scans, I had to have a scan at 36 weeks to check my son was OK on my own with my husband and children waiting outside the room, and that took some insistence that they weren't sent back to the waiting room. Some midwives, consultants and sonographers are lovely, but they seem to be the exception.

Starfish762 · 01/07/2020 19:59

@PurplePansy05 @Threnody wow I can’t believe people who are supposed to be empathetic can say such things, absolutely shocking! My friend is a nurse (a brilliant selfless one), and even she said it’s amazes her how few in her profession have such a poor bedside manner Confused I was lucky the nurse & doctor who looked after me during my MVA were brilliant, the doctor was really young which surprised me for some reason, he spoke lots about his 3 year old daughter as it was something we had in common, being so personable really made the whole thing a lot less traumatic than I expected. I went back a week later with a card & gift for the nurse & thought due to covid I’d have to leave it on reception, but they told me to go through & ask for her as she was working, I broke down when I saw her I don’t think I expected to see her again or have to go into the same place again. She said it’s very rare it happens & she was really touched. I found it sad they aren’t thanked enough for really making a difference.

Interesting chat about being careful during the TWW. I do try to stick to only 1 tea & 1 coffee a day, and I only have a couple of glasses of wine at the weekends anyway so I continue to do the same but water down a bit with soda. After what happened I have been feeing like maybe I should be extra careful, but I’m meant to be at girls drinks on Saturday (socially distanced ones) & it’s going to be a big one for them, so I’m already anxious about how much I should let myself have (I’m a typical northerner who can get carried away lol).

Does anyone else feel they should lie down & not move after DTD, in case you lose some of the magic potion? Grin I know scientifically that’s not actually the case, but I every time I worry gravity would make half of it fall out & lessen my likelihood. Probably just me who’s loopy Wink

Threnody · 01/07/2020 21:23

Have been doing more reading about progesterone and apparently other things that can increase it are losing weight,
eating high protein, low carb, and eating more dairy. Which is good, because I'm doing those things. I've lost weight on a low carb diet, eating loads of cheese! So I'll be interested to see how long my luteal phase is this month.

SkyBlue20 · 01/07/2020 21:48

Evening all!

@threnody Sounds really positive with the weight loss and the confirmed ovulation - all set for next month! ☺️

@PurplePansy05 I like that fighting spirit - you will fight for what you need and so you should!

@Sakura54 Merging households sounds a great idea. Hope you don’t feel as poorly this time 💕

@Smilingdonkey very good points - I think literally all of us had some sort of bad experience during our MMCs. I’d be interested to know how much of that was covid related for me though and how much is normal. I must say that the nurses when I had my MVA were incredible - I sent them a card afterwards as they were amazing (one in particular who remembered me from being in for my medical management, remembered little details about me and was holding my hand right the way through).
Agreed about the language, too - one of the ones I find particularly bad is the ‘evacuation of retained products of conception’, how impersonal?!

@Workingmama1 Oh absolutely no going crazy! Couple of glasses of wine here and there and my usual exercise routine. That said, I have my first full 20min run on couch to 5k tomorrow 😬 Going to see how it goes and rest if I need to, just mindful of the fact I’m in the TWW!

@Starfish762 Funny you should say that - the other night I told DH to go to the loo first and I’d wait so ‘everything could get where it needs to go’ 😂 I know it’s stupid but makes you feel like you’re doing something, doesn’t it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sick of the TWW now - I have symptoms coming and going so one minute I think I’m in with a chance the next I don’t. I remembered that during my last pregnancy I thought to myself that if I were ever to get pregnant again I wouldn’t test for as long as possible to make the wait until the 12 week scan shorter and now I look back like ‘what an idiot’ - even if you don’t test, you’re still thinking about it and wondering and concerned! Going to try my best to wait until at least Wednesday next week but preferably the Saturday... 😫

SkyBlue20 · 01/07/2020 21:51

Just saw this and thought it may be of interest to some of you:

www.instagram.com/p/CCHMWM5FTss/?igshid=1t1cma0r8trix

Xx

PurplePansy05 · 01/07/2020 22:25

@SkyBlue20 Interesting you say that. I had a far worse experience after my first MMC (long before covid) than my last. I think medical staff tend to be much more dismissive if it's your first MC. The problem is, MCs can affect you differently. I can hand on heart say that my first one was by far the worst, for all sorts of reasons. I saw the real baby at the scan, everything was ok, I had no reason to worry and no idea about MCs, it was something that happens to "other women". Then my world came crashing down and the fact medical staff were cold and unpleasant made it a lot worse. I'm glad you had a better experience during covid. I'd like to think they're perhaps more compassionate now because going through loss in the pandemic is the whole new experience with added hardship for us.

PurplePansy05 · 01/07/2020 22:31

@Starfish762 I ended up with a UTI after falling asleep trying to stay flat after sex 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 Twice! I have also learnt recently that I have a tilted uterus, so for me to get pregnant, I genuinely have to have sex doggy style. No other positions work, tried and tested 😂 So I now lie on my tummy with my arse up in the air for 10 mins instead, then off to the toilet for a wee before sleep 😂 (sorry all, waaay TMI!)

@Threnody What did you do to lose weight? I need to get my act together, this extra stone needs to go!

Poppy10121 · 01/07/2020 23:02

@Smilingdonkey I’ve also been thinking about it a lot and half the time feel tempted to tell a lot more people in my life because I don’t think it’s right how it’s sort of shameful and secret. I know we have nothing to be ashamed of but that’s how it’s presented. Part of me wants to tell everyone and explain to them what it’s really like, and the other part of me wants to never speak about it again.

Smilingdonkey · 01/07/2020 23:09

@poppy10121 I literally told everyone! I am not very private 😬 I had told most people I was pregnant anyway but I will again - the support I had from all sorts of people was amazing - I don't think I'd have got through it without telling everyone who would listen! I'm a classic extrovert 😫!

OP posts:
Starfish762 · 02/07/2020 06:46

7th day of flashing smiley (CD21). I started testing on CD8 so really don’t think I’ve missed it, although maybe I should’ve been testing more than once a day like someone said. I thought the CB digital tests you were only meant to do once a day & you wouldn’t miss the surge as they were so sensitive. Maybe it’s time to put the sticks away & just DTD every other day, instead of obsessing Confused

JoJo58995 · 02/07/2020 07:27

@Poppy10121 MVA was 5 weeks ago. I was getting BFNs for the 2 months prior to it and had a positive OPK 1 week before, because I think although my MC was still incomplete my hormones had decided I was no longer pregnant so was trying to cycle? My next positive OPK was exactly 28 days from the first so I hoped that was things trying to regulate, will have to see what next month brings.
@Workingmama1 I'm sorry you've had BFNs so far this month. There is still time, but as @PurplePansy05 says its possibly best to prepare for AF then the disappointment is less and it is kinder to ourselves. I've spent the last week really hoping and symptom spotting, and this morning 12dpo still BFN so I think I'm out this month, and I think I feel better preparing for AF and next month TTC again.
@Smilingdonkey how many days were you when you got your first BFP on an IC? They're all I've been doing because I thought the lower concentration they detect might pick things up first, but I'm probably wrong 🤦‍♀️

JoJo58995 · 02/07/2020 08:01

@SkyBlue20 I'm so sorry you also went through a delay after failed medical management 😔 Trying to find my positives from it all I think it's made me much better prepared if I should find myself in a similar position in the future (I really hope none of us ever do, but my brain doesn't want to let me feel too optimistic yet!) I feel like I went into this process clueless about the options, whereas now I know what to expect to some degree, and I would insist on follow up scans etc to make sure that everything was complete.

With the drinking in the TWW thing....I struggle with it. I hardly have any caffeine anyway, switched to decaf coffee when I was pregnant and had fewer headaches so have stuck with it. But alcohol is harder as DH and I do like a drink. My first BFP was just after New Year....I had come off the pill less than 4 weeks before and had tried not to think about anything and take a relaxed approach. I was always aware that I would need to try to find out early if I was so I could stop drinking, but didn't want the pressure of not drinking 'just in case'.... so I had a lot of booze over Christmas and New Year. After a few nausea waves I did a test just after Christmas which was BFN, so carried on as normal. I actually got a BFP a few days into the new year, randomly poas after a few drinks and have never been so shocked to see a BFP. Instantly panicked about the drinking but couldn't do anything about it, and didn't touch a drop after seeing that BFP. CB said 1-2 weeks so I had picked it up early. To be honest I think I thought I might MC very early because of all the drinking, but things progressed as they should at least initially. I carry a lot of guilt around that I could have contributed to my MC with the drinking. From everything I have read and everyone I have spoken to they assure me it wouldn't have affected things as I saw a healthy scan at 8w, and if it was going to cause a MC then it would have done so earlier. I know people who have continued drinking throughout pregnancy and everything has been fine, but it still niggles at me. I told my midwives and they said it is so common that people drink before they realise and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Because of what happened it has contributed to me not being as relaxed about TTC, as I'm not sure whether it is ok to drink much and I'm thinking about what might be going on before just pouring a glass of wine. I have only had the odd drink in the last 10d, but last night I did have a few glasses of wine because I feel sure I'm out this month and am waiting for AF. I woke up early this morning from a dream that I had just had a BFP (cruel brain) so toddled off to poas but its stark white, so I'm thinking I'm going to have a few drinks this weekend as I have a few days off work.
I've felt really low the last few days. I'm sure it's just PMS hormones and the fact that my sister isn't now allowed to come and stay this weekend which I'd been really looking forward to. I found myself having a little cry 2 nights ago and I couldn't even tell myself what I was upset about. Then the next minute I feel irritable and snappy which I don't like. Everything was so balanced when I was on the pill, but I guess this is just part of being a woman and I have to get used to this each month. I have different twinges in my uterus that I had for a few weeks before my MVA and have continued intermittently since, I'm trying to switch my racing brain off from thinking about what they might be and how I really hope I don't have any lasting issues from what happened, as there isn't anything I can do about that now. Sorry this has turned into a bit of a long post rambling on about everything!

For those of you still waiting to test, I salute you and am sending positive vibes and baby dust to you all 🥰 for everyone with BFNs I'll be here with you next month 🤞🤞

JoJo58995 · 02/07/2020 08:04

@ew1990 ahhh that's good you have a negative after MC so fingers crossed this is a new pregnancy 🤞🤞🤞🤞 keep us updated!

Workingmama1 · 02/07/2020 08:22

@purplepansy05 @Starfish762 I also ended up with a nasty uti after lying with my bum in the air, needed two doses of antibiotics to clear it but also resulted in my daughter so 🤷‍♀️ not done it this cycle though, might try next time. UTIs are a real bitch though

PurplePansy05 · 02/07/2020 08:24

@JoJo58995 Hey! On the drinking point, not so long ago when sensitive hpts weren't available, most women wouldn't know they were pregnant until much later than us. So naturally they went about their normal lives, drinking, smoking etc. I'd like to think the fact that our parents are in the baby boomers generation is a positive sign that a bit of that in early pregnancy until you don't know you're expecting makes no difference. Obviously TTC isn't the time to go out and get plastered every weekend, but I think looking after our MH is equally important. We're coming out of lockdown, low social interactions, of course baby loss on top of it all - I'll definitely raise a glass or three of gin with my friends when I can (we're still waiting in Wales).

Also what you're describing about feeling emotional sounds very familiar. It's never straightforward for us! I feel like 25% of my life, i. e. about a week a month is when I feel good. The rest of the time I'm emotional/bloated/irritable/impatient to test/sad I'm not pregnant (and then at some point pregnant, going through all the symptoms and then sad about losing it), and here we go again. When I step back from it, it's pretty crazy. I see it more when you describe it on this thread, just how hard it is. I don't notice this so much myself, but it's been quite an eye-opener for me to pause and be gentler about how I feel myself as there's so much going on physically and emotionally, it's a roller-coaster.

ew1990 · 02/07/2020 08:27

@jojo thank you. And I got a barely there line on a IC that detects 10miu or whatever it is but on a boots test it wasn't even a squinter

PurplePansy05 · 02/07/2020 08:30

@Workingmama1 They are, aren't day! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who did that 😂 My determination to lie down flat sadly didn't result in a BFP but in Geordie Shore language, I successfully cock-blocked myself and couldn't TTC for weeks because of the UTIs 🤦🏼‍♀️ note to self: never again!

PurplePansy05 · 02/07/2020 08:35

Oh @Starfish762 I feel like I jinxed it for you! Is this the CD25 curse! It's so frustrating. You're right, you are meant to use them once a day. It is possible they'll missed the surge, it can only last 5-6 hrs sometimes. But then you'd likely have one more flashing smiley and then nothing, so it's probably still rising. That's so annoying, I was climbing the walls using the second pack of CB Digital OPKs when that happened to me!

One question - are you on the second pack yet and did you continue to use the same "head" (I don't know what it's called, but I mean the digital indicator)?

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