Starting TTC again after missed miscarriage

[Smilingdonkey]

Hi,
Just ovulated for the first time after my missed miscarriage at 13 weeks (baby had stopped growing at 6-7) and wondered if anyone wanted to keep me company while we go through the ups and downs of ttc all over again! ! Xx

Here is my test ...

I had a cry this morning, first time in weeks. It's got to me that my situation is really shit.

On top of that, DH and I had an argument, he's now in work (keyworker) and I'm wfh, started working an hour early cause I was so annoyed and needed to focus on something else.

Typically, I now have what looks like a beginning of EWCM and no chance to DTD in this atmosphere.

I just feel like I've started questioning everything, will it ever happen for me, and it's horrible to admit, but it even crossed my mind that maybe if I was trying with someone else it would have happened by now. There's no suggestion that either of us have any issues so it's an unfair thought on my husband. But in the same time I feel I'm the only one worried, researching and fighting for this baby whereas he's just a relaxed, happy-go-lucky fucker. Best not to talk about things too much cause he doesn't really know how and prefers to stay positive. Whereas I'm carrying all these babies and the entire burden of losing them and trying again. I guess what I'm getting at is that whilst he's lovely, he's not been supporting me the way I needed it throughout and things still haven't worked out. I think I've started to resent him deep inside now as I'm feeling alone with all this and it upsets me even more.

Someone said earlier that they felt after the MMC as if they couldn't trust their body anymore. I felt exactly the same after my first one, and now after two MMCs and one early MC, and a stone overweight after all this mess, I feel my body is utterly shit and disappointing and not fit for purpose.

I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm really hacked off today.

Smilingdonkey I think it's positive. Take another one in 48 hours with FMU and see if it's progressed. Gentle congratulations 💐

@purplepansy5 - I know exactly how you are feeling (except I haven't had as many losses so won't pretend to know how that feels) and it is horrible. My partner just doesn't get it. He thinks baby making is a 'miracle' and we should just 'let it happen' - he really tried to be supportive after the MMC but he was pretty useless at it. I read some stuff on The Miscarriage Association or Tommy's websites about the strain it can put on relationships which I found quite useful - if only because it reassured me it was very common. I found that even talking to him didn't change much because he just doesn't understand - I have reverted to just not talking about it much and using Mumsnet and you guys and letting him bumble along oblivious to all my TTC ups and downs which is probably really unhealthy but seeing as we are stuck in a flat together all day at the moment I want to avoid arguments! Lockdown has not helped I don't think! Basically I feel I and TTC and he is just having sex!
Don't get me wrong DP is wonderful and wants to be supportive but has no idea how and when I tell him what I need he tried but because he doesn't get it, it just feels forced so 🤷
Please come on here and 'cry' whenever you need to xxx
What about make up sex tonight?!!
Xxxxx

@purplepansy05 I can completely relate to the challenge of a parter who just doesn't get it. My husband is a lets be positive and not talk about bad or upsetting things type of guy. Works great for him but it means he's really struggled to emphasise with everything I'm going through. He's also started a conversation about if we really want another one which really upset me. I think they just don't get it sometimes.

@Smilingdonkey I think i can see a line! That's made my day.

Currently sat in the garden having a cheeky glass of wine while my daughter naps as we are off work this week. Im pretty sure it didnt happen for us this month so not being careful in the the. Although quietly seething at my husband who has decided to go on a 2 hour round trip journey to pick up something he won on ebay. I was looking forward to some quiet time together on the nicest day of the year but apparently collecting something from ebay is more important...

@PurplePansy05 I’m sorry it’s all got on top of you, it’s not surprising though after all you've been through, you poor thing. Men can be idiots! My husband was exactly the same after our loss, said he was ‘devastated’ but it really didn’t seem that way to me, I started feeling resentment too. But he told me everyone deals with things differently & he was just trying to be positive & ‘move on’ - those 2 words alone upset me, but I know he was coming from a good place & trying to be strong for me, maybe your husband is doing the same? We obsess about ovulation dates & they just try not to look at it that way, very annoying! Have you spoken to him about it? Hopefully he’ll reassure you & you’ll feel better after not bottling it up. You have us, but it’s definitely good to speak to him too so the resentment doesn’t get worse. It’s not yours or your body’s fault though, we just don’t know why it happens it could be their sperm, our egg, or neither of those things. It’s so frustrating & upsetting but you need to be kind to yourself, it really isn’t yours or your body’s fault.

@Smilingdonkey eeeeek I can see it! Everything crossed for you.

So much excitement going on in this thread with symptoms and ovulation pains. It’s lovely!

@itssquidstella @Smilingdonkey I hope your lines get darker and you get good news! Shall we all test on Friday morning!? I still can’t bring myself to test as I’m scared to see a faint, confusing line. I’ve never seen anything in my previous pregnancies apart from a strong line so going to keep waiting. TBH I’m also very aware of the fact that if I’m pregnant, it means there’s a chance of going through that MC hell again so I’m clearly in denial!

@Starfish762 Your DD is only a month older than my DS. Hope she had a nice birthday. Your DH is right, but TBH it probably won’t take you too long. Most of us here seem to fall pregnant quite quickly lol so hopefully it continues like that. I only use an app to track so never tried the other methods.

No need to apologise @PurplePansy05 we get it. It definitely sounds like your DH is a typical guy; same as mine really. Full of positivity and no worries (his most used words are: it’ll be fine) whereas I am realistic and permanently googling something. He doesn’t talk about his feelings ever. I had to ask him if he was upset about the MMC lol! It’s how most men are I believe. As I said to you in our old thread, it’s very sad that you’ve had to go through this, but hopefully it will all work out in the end.

@Starfish762 I think my problem is that I'm always the person everyone else relies on and their shoulder to cry on. People, including my husband, seem to think that I am stronger than them and they struggle to support me. Whereas in reality, I need the same support as everyone else. The fact I don't talk about it every day doesn't mean nothing's happened and I don't need any help or kindness. I just don't normally add my own shit to a situation where there's already a lot on someone else's plate. I am not very kind to myself, you're right. I know that. Always been the voice of reason for everyone else in tough times and I don't think I've left any of that to myself. When it comes to my problems it's just the mass of self-criticism, loneliness and dark visions of the future that seem to take over at times. I have been working on that, but it's so hard to change when life serves you one blow after another in such a short space of time.

I don't even tell my husband when we're TTC anymore, we just have sex, because otherwise he'd get stressed and struggle to perform. Whereas I am programmed at the moment at finally having a baby out of it, I had sex for pleasure for half of my life, now there's a purpose to it which won't go away till it's done. Obviously I'm the only one considering this because poor him can't know anything about it in case it prejudices him from finishing, great.

I sometimes wonder what difference it would make if I went ahead with it myself and had a sperm donor, at least I'd have no expectation of emotional support and no further disappointment.

I too disagree with the phrase "moving on", it's not a trip to Tesco that didn't go to plan cause you didn't get your tahini that you can move on from. It's baby loss. You're never the same after it, you move forward, carrying the weight of what has happened forever, which just gets a bit lighter in time.

@Workingmama1 My DH is exactly like that, and I see yours joins the club too, @Sakura54. It's a tough one, sometimes I feel his positivity is needed because otherwise maybe I'd drown in my worries. But most of the time, as you describe, I feel he's not really that bothered, he doesn't get it because he's not affected physically at all, his overall attitude minimises the issue and makes me feel I'm the only one fighting for that baby. But it's meant to be our baby, not just mine. He was also rubbish whenever he tried to be supportive, just as you described @Smilingdonkey, just said the wrong or pointless things clearly showing he doesn't get it.

Why do we have to have a go at everything on our own ladies, and no one ever appreciates us. 😔

I feel today I'm a broken woman, everything in my life up until the baby issues went ok thanks to my perserverance, but with this one, the whole world is against me and I just can't bloody do it anymore.

You can do it & you will! I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through & are still going through, once was bad enough! But I can tell how strong & resilient you are, you will get through it! Maybe try talking to your husband tonight and explaining in detail how you feel, say his positivity is great to an extent but you need him to try & understand from your point of view, support you more. I really hope you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

It's amazing how many of us have the same issue with partners. It does make the process very lonely. I suspect this is how women have always felt - that reproducing is our responsibility. You'd just have hoped by 2020 modern man may have evolved into something more empathic ... But clearly not! The worst thing is that I sometimes think friends will judge me, him, our relationship if I tell them how he reacts sometimes so I don't talk about it. It's nice to have the conversation on here actually so thank you for being honest and raising it.

@workingmama1 my DP also said he thought maybe we shouldn't have another and be wasn't sure if he wanted one - I was heartbroken and felt betrayed as it was what we had planned and was so important to me. I think it was just his reaction to the stress of it - run away! I don't know how they ended up running this mess of a world! He has changed his mind now happily.

One thing he had always said to try and make me feel better is that making a baby is 'not an exact science' ... That says a lot I think 🤣

They just don't get it.

I really hope all these faint lines become strong lines! I'm going to test again on Friday if no AF. By then if there's no line I think I'm out. I've noticed my rhr has been dropping when it's supposed to rise if you're pregnant, so not feeling too hopeful, although boobs are still quite sore.

@Smilingdonkey I can definitely see a line - so exciting! Tentative congratulations!

Just been catching up, and want to hug everyone. It's so shit that we're all going through this!
My husband has been very supportive in his way, though it's different for him, as he's always said the pregnancy isn't real to him until the scan, and it was pretty obvious quite quickly that there was something wrong, whereas obviously I'd been symptom spotting from before the bfp, having the nausea etc, and feeling pregnant. It was a big shock, I definitely feel like my body betrayed me. He's never suggested not trying again - he was the one who persuaded me to have #3 and try for #4! He also pays very little attention to the ttc side of things, though he likes to know when I'm ovulating.

@Starfish762 You're too kind, thank you 😘

@Smilingdonkey It's a difficult one because unless you have friends who have also gone through baby loss, they'll never understand what you're talking about with regard to your OH's attitude and you're right, maybe silently they would judge, who knows. I think it's important we speak openly in a safe environment, like this one.

My DH said after my third loss that "he wants to have a baby", full stop, bluntly. And that upset me because obviously I want one too, but the price I'm paying is extreme, whereas he's just going about his normal life and all he has to do is get it up and explode few times per month. Easy to be clear about what he "wants" then, eh. I do wonder what if it doesn't work out, are we just going to divorce over all this because it will be too much. I'll end up as a childless, lonely old lady, surrounded by rescue pets.

Even the strongest couples suffer as a result and I really see that now.

Clearly it's all come out of me today, can't get over my verbal diarrhoea 🙄😳 xx

@purplepansy05! Let it all out! It's good to 😊 I'm sure you will get through this together - it's probably the most testing thing to happen to a relationship and getting through it will strengthen your marriage more than anything else xxx

I'm going to test using my last expensive test on Friday morning too ... Can't guarantee I won't break and use it tomorrow though! Xx

@PurplePansy05 I think ttc can be a very lonely experience, especially if you partner doesn't get it and you have suffered loss or loses along the way. Please keep using us to share your feelings and don't apologise for them, this is a bloody hard road to be on. Also, although I wish to the bottom of my heart that none of your were goong through this I take so much from what we all share on here, sometimes you girls articulate my feels 100 times better than I could and help me not only validate how I feel but understand how I feel too.

@smilingdonkey you have such will power, id be whipping out the test for tomorrow's FMU for sure. I'm so excited for those of us who are getting positive signs, it gives me hope.

On a non ttc note, i attempted me first couch 2 5k run today (not a great shout on the hottest day of the year!) It didn't feel too bad at the time but my heart rate went off the charts! Maybe I shouldn't be doing that in the tww (even though I'm pretty confident this month isn't the month and have a gin in hand)

Well done @WorkingMama1! It was too hot for me today.

@Smilingdonkey fx for Friday (or tomorrow if you cave!)

@PurplePansy05 you've been through so much, men just don't understand any of it really, worrying about ttc, the tww, those disheartening bfns, the excitement of the bfp, the constant worry when pregnant, the sick feeling when it goes wrong - men are just clueless as to what we have to deal with.

I got my first ever flashing smiley on my clearblue digital today. I wanted to test it out before ttc next month, but now it's there all flashing at me I feel both extra impatient and utterly terrified of ttc again.

I started getting cramps last night, so there was no mistaking it.

Look at that line!! Congratulations, @Sakura54!! 💕 how’re you feeling? Xx

Oh wow sakura54 that's amazing!!!!!! Congrats!!!! How are you feeling about it? How many dpo are you?

Caved and did an IC - vvfaint line ... So did the CB and it is similar to yesterday, perhaps a little more defined as a line 🤷 I'm still very early app says 9dpo and I reckon 10 ... Not out just yet!

@Smilingdonkey I can see a line! Tentative congratulations! 💕

@PurplePansy05 Sending so much love - what you’re going through is so tough and we’re all here for you. Hope you’re feeling a little better today xx

@Workingmama1 I was wondering the same about couch to 5k - it really pushes you so is it safe to use in TWW/early pregnancy?! I’m really enjoying it and am only a few weeks off finishing so I hope it’s ok!

Thanks @SkyBlue20 I thought it was silly to keep waiting like I normally do as the aches were increasing and lightheadedness was still there. I'm petrified of another MC tbh, but going to have to take each day as it comes. Also going to try to not stay in bed all day when feeling sick this time lol.

Sounds promising @Smilingdonkey! Will you give it a couple of days then test again?

I got myself in to a Google hole when I couldn’t sleep at like 1am, googling sore nipples and cramps as I have both. Of course it told me what I already know, which is that it could be AF arriving or pregnancy. I checked back through my Ovia app and in my last pregnancy, I had sore nipples from what I’m pretty sure was 3DPO and cramps shortly after so my mind just went in to overdrive - especially not knowing for sure if/when I’ve ovulated this time. Must. Stop. Symptom. Spotting.

Yes, I can imagine, @Sakura54! Unfortunately I don’t think the fear will go away but you will learn how to manage and live with it. So thrilled for you ☺️

This thread is looking like a lucky one 🤞🏼 - seems true that you’re more fertile after a MC!