Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Remember though some people don't tell anyone until 12 weeks anyway, I know it's hard but you know deep down you have to do it as you are going to start showing soon and they will guess anyway.

Be proud darlin'.

Wear your tight top tomorrow, take your friend with you to the school playground & shout it from the rooftops.

You're going to be a mammy & you are carrying a wee life inside you xxxxxx

hope it all works out for you, hogwarts!

i think you need some counselling no matter what, though.

hope you can find a decision that brings you peace soon, however.

i'm only 5 weeks along but am starting to thicken already round the waist, as it's our third.

FWIW, yeah, of course i think you're affect by your DH's reaction.

i mean, that's been very obvious from this whole thread and it would be what's changed you from wanting another a few months ago and now. all the more so because i know what it's like to get a surprise like this.

it's very shocking and hard enough to come to terms with without having a partner like that.

hope you can get things sorted in your own head soon. you are in such a difficult place - we had a 'bonus' baby which i felt quite mixed up about too, i think i have posted about it before. i really wanted her, but thought that baby number three would be the end of the tiny bit of time i did have to do things like play in an orchestra that were solely for me.
Yes it is hard, and yes there is even less time to fit everything in than before, but I can still do 'my' things occasionally ... it just takes organisation of military proportions to do it
I know your reasons are completely different and it is (?D)H that is the factor in it for you - but don't let him keep you hanging on a thread to play mind games when he feels like it. Feel in control, and if counselling somewhere helps, as expat suggests, do it. I can recommend it - it helps you figure out what is making you tick and is me-me-me time

great post, giggle.

yes, it is a very mixed up feeling, the 'bonus' baby.

all third babies i know were, erm, the 'bonus' variety. do not know why it's always number three good. luck with yours expat!

My third baby was the first one I ever planned!

DH has no mixed feelings about it, thankfully.

Hi hogwarts. Glad to hear you're ok if a little confused still. Could that be the understatement of the year?

Hogwarts, you said this in your last post: 'he doesnt know if our marriage will survive the pregnancy or after, thinks he may resent me but he has said that he wont leave straight away, but doesnt know how things will work out.'

That is so similar to what DS's dad said. Unfortunately I couldn't see anything positive in that and didn't want to wait around wondering when the resentment would start so after a while of waiting for him to decide whether he wanted to be involved or not I made the decision for him and decided not to see him any more. He didn't object. I did it out of self preservation.

However I do understand how very difficult it is in your situation with him being your long term partner and you already have children with him. Would be better if he moved out or stayed and supported you rather than leave you hanging on not knowing how things will work out though. I think that is so unfair on you.

Saying that, I would have done anything for my marriage to DDs dad work out. I so wanted to be a proper family and so I can understand how you are feeling about not wanting to give up on him. I still would love to be a proper family so I really hope things work out for you.

Please stop fretting about it being 'too late' to tell people. If you announce it then you could just say the pregnancy took you by surprise a bit so you thought you'd get used to the idea before telling people. Nobody will remember details like that in the future and lots of people wait until past 12 weeks to 'come out'.

It sounds like you want the baby more than you don't want it (not trying to influence you of course) and I went through a similar period of indecision. I decided that the only reason for terminating was all to do with his feelings and was not something that felt right for me. I still have moments of worry about whether I did the right thing but these soon pass.

Sorry for yet another long post talking about myself again. It's just your situation strikes a chord with me. I'm so sad that what should be such a joyful time is causing you so much stress and unhappiness.

You're doing so well, stay strong and keep in touch x

So glad to hear things are going well with your tiny beans looney and expat I'd do it all again if I could find a donor and win the lottery :D

i guess i just don't see where a grown man could resent his wife and the mother of his children who is pregnant with a child he fathered.

that just seems really whacked and immature.

Good to see you post again Hogwarts!

I think you've summed it up perfectly, expat.

Oh Hogwarts.....I just knew you were hiding....didn't you see our messages saying it didn't matter??? Anyway, I totally understand why you wanted time on your own and that's fine, just make sure you keep in mind how you will feel after if you were to terminate, I'm pretty sure the answer would be you couldn't forgive your dh and would end up on your own with the kids anyway and probably suffer a major breakdown or something. Don't underestimate the power of regret like that, seriously, I've told you before and I'll tell you again, it totally fucked messed me up - BIG TIME!!!! If you decide YOU want to not go ahead with the pg and you are 110% sure your head can survive then fine, I'm pro choice. I'm just worried that it affected me so bad, I was unable to function and I didn't have kids - if you end up on your own and in that state, I worry for those kiddies.

But.....I'm sure if you go ahead, you H will turn around one day and be pleased you stuck by this baby!!

Lots of {{{hugs}}}

I really don't know how you've managed to hide it tbh, I'm only 8 weeks tomorrow and already getting comments!!

Thinking of you still. LT xxx

Hogwarts, glad you are okay.
It sounds like your H is starting to come around a little, he is admitting he doesn't know what will happen in the future but is not saying he will leave immediately if you keep the baby.
You are not too far along to be telling people you are pg and they need never know the indecision you have been facing if you choose not to tell them. Some people do not find out they are pg until later on (I was 10 weeks with my second) and some people don't tell until later on. I did not tell many people before 20 weeks with this pg as I was terrified of something going wrong, I just hid it with clothing (although I was quite big).
Good luck x

Hi Hogwarts, have been following the thread, and my heart goes out to you.

Just wanted to give a slightly different viewpoint on the termination.... I had one about 6 years ago, and it worked out for the best. It was f*ing horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but when it was over I just felt relieved that I could deal with the other issues without the massive, looming issue of being pg.

Hand on heart, I've never once regretted it. Yes, even though I'm here having trouble ttc (the trouble ttc now is nothing to do with the termination btw) The time wasn't right then for zillions of reasons, but it is now.

I went to Marie Stopes, and the women there were incredible and didn't try to influence either way.

I barely told anyone at the time, as it brings out all sorts of emotions in people, and the decision was about me and my situation at the time, not anyone else.

Although clearly many women DO regret terminations, I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't HAVE to be a source of regret.

Oh, and one thing that struck me at the time. The waiting room was full of women who had small kids with them. I'd expected it to be full of teenagers 'in trouble', but it was ordinary, grown women who'd found themselves in a crap situation.

Sorry for long post, all my best, best wishes to you, whatever you decide.

Can I just ask though....was it YOU who wanted the termination? Hogwarts said she wanted another but H didn't and then she got pg by mistake and only thinks of termination because of her H. This is the ONLY reason I said those things. I had a termination because I was BULLIED by the FPC, it was NOT MY choice. If HOGWARTS wants one for HER then I say do it. But that's not what's happening.

I mean, he keeps saying it's not what he wants.

That just sounds infantile.

I mean, no one gets what they want all the time.

Not even babies. Not even my cat.

Isn't that something people learn when they're toddlers?

Hell, if I'd have been as stroppy and nasty every time I didn't get what I wanted in this life I'd have long been locked up in jail. Shit, I can count on one hand the things that have gone how I wanted them to in this life. That's how it works!

'I may not have gone where I intended, but I think I ended up where I was supposed to go.'

Couldn't agree more expat. Would be nice to throw myself on the ground shouting 'S'not fair!' occasionally though.

Hi Hogwarts, glad to hear from you. Hope this time alone thinking helped you and that you have got closer to making your discion.

I think that waiting until you have made your discion before telling your mom is a good idea. I still hope that she will be supportive.

I think that your husband should get his head checked out, he has two beautiful daughters and wonderful wife who loves him and accepted him back when he went haywire. It just doesn't sound like he is appreciating what he has and what he can have when this little bean enters the world. What some men wouldn't do to have a pregnant wife.

hi hogwarts,

Havent posted here for sometime but have kept reading about how you are getting on.
Dont know what to say that will make your decision easier but gut feeling from what you have said makes me think you really want this baby.

Hope that you will be able to tell your mum soon no matter what you've decided.

take care x

looney and expat you are so right!!

hi hogs, hope you can get back in for a chat soon

Yeah, Looney you're right, it was totally my decision. Sorry that you had a bad experience with the FPC, they should be ashamed of manipulating someone in such a vulnerable situation. I wasn't having a go, just wanted to give a different side to it as Hogwarts had previously seemed reluctant to mention that she'd thought about it.

Hi Hogwarts, how's it going?

Hi fff2 and everyone [wave], I'm ok, thanks. Have been keeping a low profile lately, just havent felt like "chatting". Hope you aren't offended. Pregnancy wise all is ok, I was at the Dr today, got a signing off line am going back to work tomorrow He took my blood pressure and felt my tummy and all was fine. He was shocked when I told him I was 14 weeks today, though on feeling my tummy he seemed happy to confirm that? Luckily I have had no symptoms and am not showing at all, infact I have lost weight, probably due to stress/not eating. I feel ok though, tired. My tummy seems to "swell" at night though and I find I need to undo the button on my jeans. I told the Dr that I was going to proceed with the pregnancy and have made an appt with the antenatal clinic at my practice on Monday morning. He was going to ring the maternity unit at the hospital to make my booking in appt. I'm not 100% sure I have made the right choice but I know deep down I never can go through with the alternative.

DH and I have actually been getting on quite well over the past few days. That said the pregnancy has not been mentioned. In fact he hasnt even asked how I got on at dr today. I'm not bothered to be honest. Its me and the bean. I'm sad that I haven't given him/her the best start so far, in fact, up to now I have ignored the fact that I am pregnant but am determined that from now on I will ensure the best possible care whilst he/she is in there!

Tried to tell my mum earlier but she was rushing out. Tomorrow I have to leave DC round as she will take them to school for me as I start work at 830. I may tell her in the morning, failing that I will (try) to tell her when I get home from work and pick up DD. Crikey, wish me luck.