TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

[ReeRi]

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

[MrsC89]

@riceandwhisky were you given any advice on waiting at all?
When I had my TFMR I was told that I needed to wait one cycle before having unprotected sex.
My AF arrived 5 weeks after the termination, so I would think it would he possible to ovulate quite soon after.

[ReeRi]

Hi @riceandwhisky I’m sorry you find yourself here. As @MrsC89 says I think it is possible it ovulate early as I had my first period less than 28 days from my full terms delivery. We only started TTC (and even dtd as I wasn’t ready for a while) after about two months. But I’m that first cycle I was convinced I was pregnant as I started spotting at about day 26 and thought that was implantation bleeding but it was early AF for me. Our bodies and cycles do change after we have had a baby and I think we are a bit more sensitive to things. I didn’t have IB with my first pregnancy though. I think if you are concerned you should speak to your gp or midwife as it’s impossible for us to say but very possible you could be pregnant already. Do you have a midwife or bereavement midwife that you can pick up the phone to? Also as @MrsC89 says I think they advice to wait a few weeks at least after you have delivered. One reason is for dating purposes but also there is a risk of infection after you have just delivered and are still bleeding etc.

[Kaylab2489]

Hi ladies Hope you don't mind me joining in.. Il give you a little background.. Had major surgery done Feb this year had one large fibroid removed.. Fell pregnant July but sadly miscarried my little bean 21st August I was 8 weeks but measuring 5.5 weeks.. Periods went back to normal (28) day cycles however last month was only 24. Iv downloaded ovia app but not sure what too put in on average cycle length to work out my ovulation dates. I have put 24 for this month which would make my due on daye be today but so far so good AF hasn't showed. But could possibly be due in 4 days if I did a 29 day cycle
Sorry if all confusing I'm just so hopefully to fall again.. It was my 1st pregnancy and I'm 30 just want a sticky little bean x

Baby dust too all xx

[ReeRi]

Hi @Kaylab2489 Sorry for your loss. I had a loss at full term in Feb (my first pregnancy) and my AF returned within a month but it was irregular for months. Even now I am just about averaging 29-30 days but not really sure, although I had a mc in August too. I think there is an option on Ovia for irregular period or length not known?

[lunamoon1]

Hi to all the newbies who have joined, so sorry you find yourselves here. It's a tricky one @riceandwhisky as to whether you'll be able to confirm pregnancy via a test, maybe wait until you think it's reasonable to test and if it's positive take another a few days after and see if the line gets darker? (I know it's not very reliable or scientific but it's all I can think of) I know if I had asked my GP to do a blood test for pregnancy so soon after losing my son he would have basically laughed in my face (mainly because he's an arse) but because he told me it's impossible to get pregnant 6 weeks or less after giving birth, ridiculous I know. I'm not sure if it changes with earlier term pregnancies or not, I really hope you can have some light shed soon. Do you do OPK's or temp to confirm you OV'd?

@Kaylab2489 wishing you all the best!

@ReeRi funny you should mention those bears, I was looking into weighted birth bears last week and am quite into the idea of getting one. When will yours be ready? Did AF arrive for you?

My AF arrived by surprising me on CD26, not sure what happened as I seemed to OV late according to OPK, I think it's my hormones settling back down, it takes what feels like forever. Hoping for some better luck this cycle! & to all you ladies too x

[Kaylab2489]

No I don't do the tests usually my Cm is a giveaway x

[ReeRi]

@lunamoon1 Yes af came and went 😬 Do you think you’ll get a bear? I think it’s something like 8 weeks from when I confirm the order, need to check, but it was weeks / months ago that I first signed up. I quite like the idea of a little reminder of her, not that I need a reminder, but I’ve seen people have their bears in family photos and things and it’s like a little representation of the child who isn’t with them.

Maybe your cycle is still a bit irregular? Mine is mostly about 30 days now but I’m sure my periods are getting shorter. Years ago they were about five days and then a few years ago they went to about 3 days and now it’s as if I only have about 2 days of bleeding and then some spotting either side. Maybe I should speak to gp about that...

[riceandwhisky]

Hello all,
Thank you so much for your replies and apologies for taking a while to get back to them. The day of cremation came and I was very caught up in that.

I have seen a lot of things on the internet where there are recommendations to wait for at least 4-6 weeks before trying and there are also a couple of articles that said you don't have to so I guess it's just one of those things where no one really knows what happens in our bodies.

I have an appointment on the 15th at the hospital. I'm not exactly sure what type of check up it is, they spoke to me about this at the hospital when I was being discharged with so much in my head that I don't think I took away much at the time. I'm not sure whether it's to discuss the genetics side of things or my mental wellbeing. I'm hoping to ask them all those questions and get some answers though. It's only 5 days away so I'm going to hold off any pregnancy tests etc until then.

@lunamoon1 I'm not using ovulation strips, I don't really understand how they work and I feel like once I start getting super controlling over conceiving I won't enjoy it as much. I think I'll see what happens naturally and if no luck in the next few months then I will consider it xxx

[lunamoon1]

@ReeRi hope you managed to deal with that okay, the day mine came I felt awful but thankfully it passed quite quickly. I think I will re. the bear, like you said it would be lovely to have a representation of our son for family pictures ect. I think so, hopefully it's settling down soon. I've had some strange spotting mid-cycle so not really sure what's going on. It's frustrating not understanding your own body. If it's worrying you it's always worth a shot, but you managed to conceive even with that.

@riceandwhisky that's good to try and take the most relaxed approach as possible, wish I could do that! hope your hospital appointment goes as well as it can, hopefully have all your questions written down so you don't forget.

My husband and I started joint counselling 2 weeks ago and it was the best thing we could have done I think, she is such a lovely person & I feel she's going to be really helpful for us! Hope you are all doing well x

[ReeRi]

Hello

Sorry I have been absent I was sure I’d replied to the last couple of posts!

@riceandwhisky How are you? I hope the funeral went as well as it could and you got some comfort from it. Whilst I never thought I’d be burying my daughter, I found the funeral was actually as lovely as it could be and I took some comfort in having done al I could for her.

I usually use ClearBlue Advanced OPK which is a bit easier than the cheaper strips but I actually decided not to track ovulation this month. I usually ovulate around day 14-15 so have tried to time DTD around that.

@lunamoon1 How are you? I’m CD15 so about ovulation time. I’m not tracking this month which is actually quite a liberating feeling! I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday which I never usually have mid-cycle so not sure what that’s about. It could have been something external although I have read about ovulation spotting!

Hope everyone else is ok

Baby dust to you all x

[Tazzle2007]

Hello ladies I haven’t been getting notifications so I thought no one was posting! That pregnancy test I did was an evap line. I finally got my period 7 weeks after I stopped the pill. I did the clear blue ovulation tests and it worked. I’m currently 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. I’m worried sick already. Doing pregnancy tests everyday to make sure I still am and every time I go to the toilet i check for blood! It’s been 4 years since I had my daughter stillborn and I really didn’t think I would try again but as I said I have a new partner of 3 years and he hasn’t any children. He loves my 3 like his own. Baby dust to you all.

[ReeRi]

Gentle controlling to you @Tazzle2007

How is everyone else doing?

I tried to order the bear but for some reason it wouldn’t take my card details which is annoying 🙄

[lunamoon1]

@Tazzle2007 congratulations! I hope you're feeling as positive as you can about it💐

@ReeRi doing okay thank you, think I OV'd really late this time, CD 21 or something, not sure what that's about so not very hopeful this cycle, but you never know. How are you doing? That's annoying! Are you going to look into getting another kind?

It's a scary time of year with Christmas round the corner, especially since Christmas has always been a time of year my husband & I love, it's so hard!

[ReeRi]

@lunamoon1 I think I ovulated late this month too! I had the spotting around day 14 when I usually ovulate but then had something like fertile CM about five days later so thin I might have ovulated late. Typical that this is the month I didn’t track but it’s usual for me. I’m not sure what to do about the bear as I did want one and I think there’s a deadline to reply so I’ll have to have a look

I have just booked our trip to Edinburgh for Christmas. I just don’t want to do christmas this year missing our little girl so want to get away! Do you gave any plans? It is a difficult time of year if you’ve lost someone.

[MrsC89]

Hi ladies. I have had a couple of faint lines on a FRER the past few days. AF isn't due until Thursday so we shall see what happens.

[Tazzle2007]

5 weeks plus 3 today the doc has given me different blood pressure meds. Nausea is kicking in had to stop myself from being sick at work lots of times today. My hcg levels have been rising fast maybe it’s twins! 😱 I had a faint line on frer 5 days before period. 4 days before it came up on a digital. How is everyone? Xxx

[ReeRi]

Oh gentle congrats to you @MrsC89 x

[sh84]

I haven’t had time to read through all the messages yet. I too am ttc after losing my little boy (prematurity) in August. I’m “fortunate” that AF showed up 4 weeks after I stopped bleeding, only tracked my cycle on an app in October, got a BFP in October but started bleeding 4 days later, BFN 1 week after bleeding stopped, used OPKs for November & matched my app perfectly but got a BFN this month, hoping December is going to be my month. I’m kind of reassured that my body is working as it should & im ovulating but it’s really stressing me out as I so desperately need to be pregnant. I’m not trying to play down anyone’s ttc journey but after a SB or NN death I do think it’s more of a need, I’ve had MCs before & they don’t come anywhere near to holding an alive baby in your arms until they die. I NEED to be pregnant again

[ReeRi]

Hi @sh84 Sorry for your loss. As you may have read, I lost my daughter at full term in February (stillbirth) and then had an early MC in August. It was rubbish to have a MC but I too found this did not compare to losing my DD in terms of loss. I am on a TTC after loss thread full of lovely women but I wanted to talk to women who had had similar losses to my loss. I get the need to be pregnant again after any loss but for me this comes from worrying I’ll never have a living child. I don’t take anything for granted now and so I won’t know it can happen until it does. Having said that, because I don’t assume anything will happen, I am trying to find fulfilment elsewhere and to be grateful for what I do have now.

[sh84]

@ReeRi thank you, you take it all for granted until you live it. You don’t realise that you might leave the hospital without your baby, it’s not really a thought that crosses your mind. I’m staying as positive as I can but I really wanted to be holding a baby by his first birthday which is looking less likely now, I’ve still got a tiny bit of hope that I’m holding on to but it’s tiny. I feel a bit mad & consumed with ttc & tracking cycles OPKs etc as never needed any of that before but I’m desperate really, wish I could take a more relaxed approach but I just can’t do it

[riceandwhisky]

Hello everyone, so sorry I've been silent but life just got very hectic suddenly! Relationships haven't been easy and I think I've only just realised how I'm not coping very well with stress! I lost 6kg and as I was already on the lower weight side I'm getting worried my body will not be able to cope with a pregnancy.

@ReeRi thank you, the ceremony was lovely. Very peaceful and Mia had a really nice send off. Everything was perfect. We are still to decide what to do with her ashes as I'm not too keen on scattering.

I had my genetic appointment and the doctor advised that the risk of this happening again is next to nothing but that I will be fast tracked in to appointments etc with my next pregnancy.

Good news is I got my first period so I can start using Flo again!

We are still trying but i could help but google risks of this happening again and found a few forums on which ladies had back to back trisomies even though they weren't diagnosed as hereditary. Even if it wasn't T18 each time, they had cases of others. This makes me really worried!!!

Enough of the long update, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of you that are patiently waiting for that BFP!!!🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

[ReeRi]

It’s hard @sh84 It is only 2 and a half months until my daughter’s first birthday or what would have been. At this stage I would be grateful to be pregnant by then. I have obviously come into contact with other women who have lost babies around the same time as us (through sands for example and even a woman who is on youtube) and they all seem to be pregnant very soon after. With my DD I didnt track or anything either and just fell pregnant after some months but there is something a bit cruel about TTC after you have been through a full pregnancy and given birth... Have you had any answers as to why you lost your son? I hope you get your rainbow baby soon 🌈

@riceandwhisky Don’t feel rushed to do anything with your baby’s ashes. Hold on to them for as long as feels right. I know people who have kept them in teddy bear urns or made jewellery. Just see how you feel. Try not to be too worried about the future. It’s normal for us of course but in our position we come across other mums (and dads) who have lost babies in various circumstances so we become scared of not only how we lost our precious ones but of almost all the ways things can go wrong.

Do know that if you ever need to let off steam then you can do so here. It sounds a bit wet but I found yoga has helped me destress a lot, exercise generally helps me, and you can’t underestimate the importance of just having eating and sleeping well

How are you @Pandora71?

[sh84]

@ReeRi the PM results were exactly as I expected so didn’t help. Primary cause- prematurity
Secondary cause- chorioamnionitis
My membranes ruptured & I got an infection & went into labour, it was, still is heartbreaking. Reading through the PM results was hard as everything about him was normal, it was my body that failed him. I have made one friend who lost her baby shortly after birth & she’s been a real help. I have been having counselling too. A baby isn’t going to fix everything, I do know that, it would never replace my son & I don’t want to do that but I do think it would help with healing, my uterus & arms wouldn’t feel so empty. Did you have a PM? I’ve found that a quite a few people fall pregnant very quickly & I naively thought I would be one of them & I was then it turned out to be a CP. Just wonder whether it’s ever going to happen for me again.
@riceandwhisky my baby’s ashes are in a lovely urn on a special shelf with a picture of him & a candle, thought didn’t even cross my mind to have him anywhere else but at home with me. Do what you feel is right for you when the time is right, don’t let anyone say “you should do this with them” or “isn’t it about time you did something” your baby, your choice.

[ReeRi]

@sh84 I think your story is similar to mine with the loss and then a CP. We had a PM but we sort of knew what the issue was as our baby was born completely wrapped up in her cord. She was otherwise perfect, made it to 39+6 and was then squeezed to death very sadly. It is difficult to think she was perfect and could have been here if someone had realised there was an issue. You’re right that having another baby won’t replace the one you lost but for me, having lost my first child, I feel a bit lost. I went though nine months of pregnancy and gave birth, bought all the essentials as she was due and we needed them, only to be left without a child. I feel a bit like a mother without a child so, while another baby won’t replace our previous daughter, I feel like I need to have a child anyway to feel complete. I know lots of mothers who have lost babies feel the need to have another child. At the same time I am trying not to put life on hold and be grateful for what I have. So it’s a bit of a balancing act.

It is still early days for you though. For me, too, really, and it is 9 months since I lost my daughter.

Right now I’m in the 2WW and no idea what’s going on as I seemed to ovulate late.

[sh84]

@ReeRi leaving the hospital without a baby is so incredibly hard, giving birth & knowing you don’t get to take your baby home is so incredibly hard, it’s all so incredibly hard. I’m very lucky that I’ve got 3 other children but believe me it doesn’t make the loss any easier, it’s not like ah well it doesn’t matter as you’ve got 3 others. I’ve just done the shit 2WW only to get a BFN & AF show up on due date. Just hoping December is my month. It’s horrible that you had to go home to a house full of baby stuff with no baby, so cruel. I haven’t even unpacked my hospital bag yet. It’s just sat in a cupboard. Everyone says it gets easier, I think you just learn to live with a constant pain & void in your life. I hope you get your BFP. I just need something to look forward to again