TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

[ReeRi]

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

@BunnytheBee I'm glad you and DH feel better together, it's such an emotionally complex situation and no one can tell you what's right or wrong. I'm doing okay thank you, trying not to drive myself too mad but also don't want to get my hopes up too high (always easier said than done) thank you!

@Shefliesonherownwings thank you, trying my best not to think about it too much and thankfully as of tomorrow I have plans so once I get today I'll feel better. That's good, I always find it reassuring with OPK's and you only needed to do one to confirm. Laughing at what your DH said, you'll be able to take full advantage of the positive lol. Where are you away to? Sounds lovely

Re pregnant ladies & conversations I completely sympathise, I was in a cafe yesterday with my DH and there was about 6 mother & babies, talking about how lucky one was to have a good sleeper and how the others are so tired ect, I was thinking oh what I would give to be exhausted from my son keeping me awake at night! You have every right for it to annoy you, we are allowed to be 'overly' sensitive. Hope you are feeling okay!

@Bunnythebee I haven't got an app. I just use the purple coloured clearblue ones. I used them last year with DD and they worked. I tried ICs last month and got confused, I never got a positive OPK. But with clearblue they seem to be clearer and I more reassuring that OV is actually happening!

@lunamoon1 we're off to New York on sunday. In truth I have a lot of anxiety about going. Crowds and lots of people make me nervous now. I'm not a great flier anyway but I am extra anxious. Plus I have a lot of guilt about going away and enjoying myself when DD isn't here. It will be good for us but I'm just nervous.

I can't imagine how hard that must be @Bunny. Yes they're talking normally but you have every right to get fed up with it and be sensitive to it. That's normal too. I know people have to go on with their lives but I wish they would have some awareness that might every around them wants to hear the details.

@lunamoon1 I find all these conversations hard - pregnancy and babies / children being hard work. I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me but it’s tough sometimes. I know life goes on and it try to remind myself everyone has their struggles eg my friend talks about her children but she doesn’t have her mum and that must be tough... that sort of thing.

@Shefliesonherownwings I think mine are the same as yours except they have an app but I would have thought the instructions tell you when to test. Do you use the ones where you get a flashing smiley and a static smiley? I do find it easier than ICs if only because the ICs I used, you had to pee in a pot and my DH used to take the pot and once he used it for some screws 😂

I mentioned on the other thread a friend is getting married this year and her MOH messaged me this week to say theyre thinking of a week in Dubai for the hen do. I’m in two minds. On the one hand it’s probably a lot of money for a hen do, a week’s annual leave and I don’t know them that well. I just know the hen really so it’s not like I know I’ll have a great time. Also, and again with this thing about not putting our lives on hold in case we get pregnant, if I were to get pregnant again I’m not sure I’d want to go abroad or to somewhere like Dubai. Is this something I should even be concerned about? Then on the other hand I think this is exactly what I need and if I were to get pregnant and not go for that reason surely I’d just be happy about that?! HELP me make a decision about this! I kind of want to go...

@Shefliesonherownwings how lovely, it's a better time of year for New York as it won't be roasting hot, I went in the summer as a child and all I can remember is the heat! I hope you manage to enjoy yourself and relax a little once you get there. I know it's hard every day living and doing things without our kids but I hope you manage to enjoy the time away. As cheesy as it sounds your daughter is with you whether you are sitting in your living room at home or walking the streets of New York, she will still be in the things you see/do💐

@BunnytheBee it's tricky that way, wanting people to approach you as 'normal' but then getting annoyed at the little things. I guess that's just the story of our lives; getting used to thinks that aren't the norm & life just being different for us in general. Re the hen weekend, when is it? It really does sound like you want to go.. & I don't mean this in a cheeky way but if you booked it and did end up pregnant before going & decided not to go, could you afford to lose the money? If the answer is yes then I think it's one of these things you should just go for. Dubai is an amazing place and it would be a week of relaxing & having fun. And if you did end up pregnant but had already taken the annual leave then you could just take the week off to relax anyway which is never a bad thing. That's only my view of things though, do what feels right x

@lunamoon1 I would like to go and I’m thinking I’ll be spending the money anyway so, if I were pregnant and couldn’t go, then I would be happy and they’d be understanding. It would be more annoying if I said no and then still not pg by then. It’s end of June I think. I could see if I can just pay the minimum for now like flights. I need a new passport though because I have no idea where mine is following the move.

Annoyingly though same friend mentioned just now how many of her friends can’t go because they’ve had babies. She was literally like Ive invited these people but X just had a baby and Y just had a baby... my cousin just had a baby too.... last time I met her she was telling me someone I barely know (who worked where I used to work but at a different time) is pregnant. She obviously doesn’t realise I don’t want to hear about people I barely know having babies.

@BunnytheBee yes I have the clearblue which gives me flashing smileys and then a static one. I used them last year when we conceived DD and they were very easy to use. The ICs are much better value but I dont seem to get a positive on them so find clearblue easier. I am LOLing at your DH using the pot for screws! My DH has jo concept of what's involved in testing, doubt he's even aware of the pot in the bathroom!

In terms of the hen I would highly recommend going. It does sound like you want to and if anything, losing our DD has taught me that life is so short and if you feel up to going then do it. If you're pregnant then see how you feel closer to the time but as you say, you may regret saying no later on. As for your friend, I find people get so caught up in themselves, particularly when it's things like weddings but I would say something to her. I've started being much more forthright with people about not wanting to hear about other babies and pregnancies. It's all about self protection.

Thank you @lunamoon1 that made me cry. Doesn't take much these days! I'm really hoping I can enjoy it when I'm there and I think it will be so good for us. Both DH and I are dealing with extra stress right now, him with work and me with narcissistic family members, not to mention issues with our roof leaking. Both of us are struggling with sleep and bad dreams again so I do think a break will help us. I just need to try to manage the anxiety as best I can.

@Shefliesonherownwings 😁 the pot thing was quite funny at the time

So my paralegal just came over to tell me she’s asked our manager for the afternoon off as he cousin has had a baby. I just felt like I wish she hadn’t told me why. She knows how I feel and hasn’t really mentioned it to me otherwise but it has upset me. Another reminder that most people have healthy babies and get to bring their babies home and I had to give birth to a dead baby and bury her and now I’m TTC a year later. Sometimes I feel like I’m not capable of being in the office! Not often, but sometimes...

Sorry for the selfish post but thought y’all might understand

@BunnytheBee I think you should really consider it, like @Shefliesonherownwings said you might regret it if the time comes around and you didn't arrange to go! Sounds like a good idea just doing the minimum at the moment that way you won't lose 'too' much if you have to pull out. It is amazing how many people just do not get it... it's like people just kind of 'forget' and move on with their lives and we are left behind. Don't apologise ever for posts when you need to rant, it's only natural. Sorry you feel that way, but you have every right to and you're not being unreasonable. I hope you are doing okay, you'll be so glad it's almost the weekend & hopefully can relax & forget about work (and the people in it) for a little bit. Sending love, you're not alone x

@Shefliesonherownwings sorry for that, I cry at most things now a days too, usually from the comfort of my own home mind you. The stress you are under sounds like a lot, especially with the roof, house issues are the worst! Have you ever tried yoga/meditation? It might help take the edge off even for a little bit, sorry if you have though and that's a silly suggestion. Is it close family you are having to deal with? Family issues are so intricate and can be really hard! I don't think the weather is helping our moods right now anyway, every day is so miserable and depressing, just adds insult to injury.

Never apologise @BunnytheBee, that's what this place is here for! We all need a good rant every now and then. Sounds like your work place is tough to be around at the moment. Lots of people just not thinking before speaking. It sucks but as @lunamoon1 says you are not unreasonable at all you are perfectly entitled to feel this way. TGIF!

@lunamoon1 don't apologise! It's nice to be crying at kind words rather than pain for once. Funnily enough I have just been to get my nails done for our trip and the salon are starting mediation classes soon so I said I'd definitely be interested in that. I did some yoga last month and I keep saying I need to do more but can't get up the energy to get organised with it.

Hopefully we'll get the roof patched next month and then look at a whole new one in the summer. Fingers crossed for no more rain!

It's my dad who is being a total arse. There's a long history of narcissistic and bullying behaviour from him but he's come into his own since we lost our DD. I received a nasty email from him at the weekend so am now NC. I'm just not sure how to have a relationship with my mum as they're still together and she defo enables him. Not exactly what I need right now.

Thanks @lunamoon1 I think I’ve had a better week generally and the anxiety about DD birthday has passed but I think sometimes it’s easy to almost forget how much we’ve been through and then I find it it’s me! How are you?

@Shefliesonherownwings I’m sorry things are difficult with your Dad. Is it tomorrow you go away?

I’m leaning towards going to the hen do as doing more fun things with friends is actually exactly what I need. I have said I’m up for it but this is subject to what they say. I also have a friend in Dubai so I thought I’d see her while I’m there. I’m sure they won’t mind that. I’m not a big drinker or anything so it might be nice to have a night off tbh. That’s sounds so bad but I can be a bit of an introvert and the idea of even a plane ride with girls I don’t know sounds exhausting let alone a week! But I know I’m just being uptight probably and will probably have a great time.

@BunnytheBee yes we leave tomorrow. Packing pretty much done, just last few bits to tonight and tomorrow morning.

I think you should definitely go on the hen do, Dubai is good fun, plenty to do and breaking up the trip with seeing your friend or even just exploring the shopping malls when you need to sounds like a good plan. I'm an introvert too and feel nervous in big groups anyway, let alone with people I don't know so i think having a back up plan for time on your own is a good idea.

@Shefliesonherownwings that's true, it is, it makes a change. That would be something nice to try, also love getting my nails done, due to get them done again soon, a little bit of self care goes a long way sometimes. I know, the bloody weather is so miserable at the moment, can't wait for the rain to stop. Sorry to hear about your dad being so awkward, it's so hard to have a relationship with someone like that; but if he doesn't add any value to your life you have done the right thing in keeping your distance for now. Self preservation, it pays to be selfish sometimes, you have to. I hope your flight ect was okay & that you have a safe/enjoyable trip, you deserve it x

@BunnytheBee I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, going through all of the motions is always tough. I agree, there's still a lot of times I feel like I have made the whole thing up! And that I wasn't even pregnant to begin with... it's a strange feeling not being able to believe you were ever pregnant, especially for over 35 weeks! I'm doing okay thank you, a bit better last week & I hope it can continue this week too that's good you have put yourself out there at least and said you are keen, that way you are keeping your options open and can make a decision once you have all of the info.. take your time to decide, you are under no pressure. Have you got anything nice planned this week?x

@lunamoon1 can totally relate to feeling like it’s all made up, I have times where I think did that even happen, how have I been pregnant, had a baby & lost a baby in less than a year if that makes sense, sometimes it feels like a distant memory & other times it feels like it was yesterday, really hard to explain. When I really think about what happened, I got ill, had a baby then he died, I think how the hell did that happen to me, how the hell did I hold my baby until he died, it doesn’t feel real in some ways

@Shefliesonherownwings Have an amazing time

@lunamoon1 @lunamoon1 Yeah i find it so weird that I went through 9 months of pregnancy and had a baby and a funeral etc.

I’m ok thanks. Been having some bad dreams so that’s probably not a sign that im in a great place but doing ok. Had a relaxed but nice weekend again. Did Zumba and Yoga on Saturday which made me feel good and went shopping with a friend yesterday then went to bed for a couple with what I think was a migraine coming on... Busy few days at work as I’m in London Thursday / Friday for an event but I do like work tbf 🤓 DH and I are going to see an opera tomorrow night

Also in the 2WW but have 0 expectations.

Hope everyone else is ok

@BunnytheBee sounds like you got a good few days planned, certainly helps with the TWW & can relate to the 0 expectations. I’m not in the TWW yet, just approaching fertile window (or not so fertile in my case) I’m doing what I can now then I need to just let go when in the TWW wait because it will be done, I won’t be able to change anything, I’ve decided I get zero symptoms whether I’m pregnant or not so not going to pay any attention to any little twinges. I just think there’s only so much I can do & im doing it, the rest is out of my control. I consider myself fortunate that so far my sleep hasn’t been affected too much or I’m just so exhausted all the time. I really need to get back into yoga & Pilates but don’t have much motivation for it

@sh84 It’s just so easy to read into little things, I find, and think they’re symptoms but have been let down too many times... I don’t even know properly where I am in my cycle as as I had a longer cycle before Christmas so Ovia predicted my fertile week much later than usual. Anyway, yes it helps to be distracted but I am going to a work do on Thursday and think I’ll need a glass of wine to get through! I’m in the 2WW but I think I can have one... Do you have a good yoga or pilates class you can go to nearby?

@BunnytheBee I’m sure one glass won’t hurt. Ah I know what that’s like, my cycle messed up in jan so I started temping & doing OPKs this cycle too, just to confirm I still ovulate & how it matches up to my app, my app has been spot on with when af comes but don’t know about ovulation, it’s quite nice to have something to focus on actually, feels like I’m actually doing something rather than just DTD when app says it’s fertile week. I’ve never really got pregnancy symptoms in any of my pregnancies so don’t see why I would now all of a sudden so there’s no point in me reading into it, I can say that now but next week when I’m in the TWW it’ll be a totally different story. I used to go to a couple local classes & follow ones on YouTube so I might just do that again to get back into it

@BunnytheBee isn't it, I guess it's so far away from anything we expected to be doing it's still hard to comprehend. It's difficult not sleeping, or being interrupted by bad dreams, I hope it passes quickly. That all sounds good though, apart from the migraine! Having work to keep you busy must feel good, I'm slightly anxious and feel guilty for still being off work but I don't feel I'm at a place yet to go back, it's tricky.

@sh84 it's so much for our minds to process I feel like it's a protective instinct not to be able to fathom it sometimes. It really doesn't feel real sometimes. How are you doing? I'm the same as you when it comes to 0 symptoms either way, I don't really get PMS nor do I get early pregnancy symptoms so I just have to go with it.

CD2 for me today, AF got me yesterday. I'd tested on Tuesday (BNF of course) due to having an MRI & needing to know either way so I wasn't overly surprised when it showed, still stings a bit though! Hope everyone is doing okay x

@lunamoon1 I’m still not back at work, did think about it the other day then just thought about going back onto labour ward & I just can’t do it. I get minimal pms symptoms so I just have to wait & see each month. Sorry AF got to you, OPKs were positive yesterday & getting lighter today, OH is home tonight so just hoping we catch it this time. It sometimes feels really surreal when I think about what happened, I just think what, how & im still here, very hard to process

@sh84 I can totally understand your feelings around going back, it's so daunting isn't it. Do you think that's you stepping away from midwifery for good? Sorry I know that is a difficult question maybe without a clear answer. That's good, wishing you all the luck for this cycle! I agree, impossible to process sometimes... it's just about finding ways to cope I guess x

@lunamoon1 it’s a real possibility that I might never return, which kills me because I absolutely love the job & the profession, possibly if I work in another hospital, one side of me really wants to use my experience to help other women but the other side of me thinks I’d just be a wreak. I don’t want to give up a 10 year plus career but I may not have a choice. Think I’ve already written this cycle off, my temps don’t match my OPKs, chart is saying I ovulated before I got positive OPK, which I don’t know how that is possible but if that’s the case I’m well out

@sh84 I had a glass or two of Prosecco 🥂 I’m still in the 2WW but feeling like I could have PMT coming on but not sure. It’s so hard with symptoms as with my last pregnancy it was the absence of PMT that alerted me to the fact I was pregnant but that only lasted to about 4.5 weeks and with my first pregnancy I felt like I’d had PMT for ages so that’s not really a sign! Plus I’m exhausted this week so being a bit that way out could be due to tiredness. I also first noticed sore boobs with my first pregnancy but now I seem to experience that around PMT time.

@lunamoon1 Don't feel guilty for not going back. I would say take as much time as you can if you think it’s benefitting you. I’m sorry AF came but a new cycle is another chance. How are you feeling? Work is good for me but I am exhausted (I probably always say that) so pleased it’s the weekend.

@sh84 It must be tough with the job you have and maybe one day you will use your experience to help people but that can come in time, maybe, if you want it, and you feel you can do it. Could you maybe retrain as a bereavement midwife one day? That might be tough too. Right now just focus on you if you can and doing what’s right for you. None of us know how we’ll feel in a year or or 5 year or more.

I’m on CD24. Feeling normal. Felt like I had PMT on Wednesday. Exhausted. I’ve felt a bit crampy too but then also wondered whether I might have cystitis or a UTI...

@BunnytheBee good for you having a couple of glasses, it wouldn’t affect anything at this stage. I don’t get pms symptoms really until af is in full flow then I just get really depressed. Don’t really get pregnancy symptoms either so there’s no point in me symptom spotting. Already counting myself out this month anyway, was meant to be ovulating on Sunday but app has now said I ov’d tue (cd12) even though I didn’t get positive OPK till tue night, so god knows what’s going on, OH was away till last night, I felt like ovulation was yesterday so was really hopeful DTD twice, until I put my temp in my chart today. He’s gone out tonight so doubt I’ll get any action as he’ll probably be a bit worse for wear when he gets in lol. I definitely don’t want to be a bereavement mw, that’s never appealed to me, I have been looking at getting a counselling qualification, maybe, it’s an option. Cd24, not much longer to go then

@sh84 You never know. It’s so hard to understand what our bodies are doing sometimes. I’m not hopeful. I just feel like I can’t imagine being pregnant again which is weird. Maybe I should start tracking again if this wasn’t our cycle but that can be stressful as then I worry like you are if something doesn’t seem right.

Do you have any plans for the weekend @sh84 @lunamoon1?

I’m going to go to the gym shortly to do Zumba and yoga 🧘🏻‍♀️ but i feel like I have no energy!

@BunnytheBee I actually don’t mind all the tracking as it gives me something to focus on & feels like I’m being proactive. I actually did some yoga yesterday, only at home, I’m definitely not as flexible as I was but it felt good, it was actually a fertility yoga thing I found on YouTube. Out for dinner with family tonight which will be nice & hopefully a relaxing day tomorrow. How about you?