TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

[ReeRi]

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

@ReeRi you are a mother that’s lost a child there’s no like about it, your still a mother, you still have the same feelings & love as any other mother, don’t ever feel like your not a mother, you grew your baby, made sure she had everything she needed, gave birth, held her, love her, that still makes you a mother. I once got told to change my profile picture on Facebook to one of my “actual” children, I was like F**k off, he is my actual child just because he’s not here doesn’t make him any less relevant in my life

@sh84 Thank you. I don’t think it matters less because you have other children by the way. I don’t mean that. But I do find it particularly difficult never knowing if I’ll be a mother to a living child. I do feel like a mother, I am her mom, but to the outside world I feel like I don’t fit in because I don’t fit in with the mums who have children as I don’t have any but then I’m also different to before I had her as having a baby changes you and there’s this massive thing that happened but we don’t talk about it like we would if our children were here. I’m sorry AF came for you. I am in the 2WW and think I have my hopes up which means I’ll be more disappointed if I get a BFN

If you don’t feel like unpacking your bag then leave it. I took mine to hospital to give birth as I’d found out she had died before I had her but it was sad just taking out all the nappies. What happened to both of us is incredibly sad and I had to remind myself just now when it hurt a bit to see the bump of a pregnant woman in our office that it’s understandable that we’ll be upset that our babies died. Sometimes I think maybe we’re hard on ourselves.

@ReeRi I know you didn’t mean anything like that, I think society may think a bit like that. I get the whole how your seen as a mother, I’m now the mum who’s baby died. Can’t really handle pregnant women & newborns yet, ironically I’m a midwife, had my boy in the hospital that I work surrounded by doctors & midwives that I know. Many women who have SBs go on to have a baby, what happened to you was very rare & the chances of it happening again I imagine would be so slim, not that that would ease any anxiety, you’ll worry until you have an alive baby in your arms. It’s not even a proper hospital bag, just stuff I chucked in a bag last minute, I can’t take out the clothes I gave birth in, or the toiletries I washed with, I don’t really know why. I hadn’t bought too much stuff for him but what I did I just put in his memory box. Having a baby changes you, losing a baby changes you even more

@sh84 Yes I think you’re right that it changes you. Having a baby is a fairly normal thing whereas SB is not. You’re not back at work I assume? Being a MW must be so difficult at a time like this. I think I realise the chances of this happening to me again are slim but they were slim last time so I know it’s a possibility also the most worrying thing for me at the moment is whether I’ll get pregnant again at all, and if I do that I’ll make it through the first trimester and then I’ll worry about prematurity, stillbirth etc. I try to focus on the fact that chances are I can have another baby but I’m not a spring chicken really either 😬

@ReeRi I’m no spring chicken either, 35. I’ve never really ttc before, it’s always been let’s see what happens & it’s happened, now I’m tracking my cycle, using OPKs, scheduling DTD & counting down the hours during the 2WW. No not back at work yet, don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back tbh, I think I may be able to if I was pregnant but I can’t even think about it right now. Pregnancy is an anxious time anyway let alone if you’ve had a loss & the later the loss the longer your anxious. It’s like in a “normal” pregnancy you have little mile stones like 12 weeks, first kick, 20 week scan, viability, third trimester, full term, due date but after a loss the milestone is just the end & it’s such a long wait & it’s a case of if I get to take this baby home not when

@MrsC89 gentle congratulations, wishing you all the best💐

@Tazzle2007 it must be a nervous time for you but I'm hoping you are taking it all in as best you can

@sh84 welcome, and I'm so sorry you find yourself here & having had faced another loss so soon after losing your son, life really is not fair! I lost my little boy in August too at 6 days old, and feel like my life has been on hold ever since. I sympathise about feeling unable to go back to work, I'm a nurse but feel I have totally lost my empathy at the moment as a lot of the time I'm dealing with patients who aren't particularly 'sick', it's so not like me too as I'm usually very understanding but baby loss changes you in SO many ways

@riceandwhisky it's so difficult they can't absolutely promise you if won't happen again, they have said the same to me about our sons medical condition that the odds of it happening again are next to nothing... but it's still not nothing and that's quite scary. Google is a dangerous place sometimes when you don't get the answers you'd hope for. I just try to look at it as how many people are actually in the world, and you're reading a handful of people's situations, so even tho it feels like quite a few situations, in the grand scheme of things it's nothing.

@ReeRi hope you're coping okay, I've had this weird thing where suffering the loss of my son has all of a sudden made me feel 'infertile' which is mad I know because I know I can conceive, but I think my aching, empty arms has made me feel as though I'll always feel this way. It really messes with your mind! Praying we all get our BFP's this cycle🤞🏼

Tested this morning with a FRER, nothing on there at all.

@MrsC89 I'm so sorry, how are you feeling? This journey is so painful, be as kind to yourself as you can, sending love!

@lulamoon1 Thank you. I was pretty gutted if I'm honest with you. I said to DH I dont know if we should take a break from TTC for a while. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I’m 35 too @sh84 😬

@lunamoon1 Sounds familiar. I hope so too 🤞

@MrsC89 Will you try again - could be a duff test? How many DPO are you? If it is the worst then I hope you have some support. I have a “chemical” in August and it does feel v cruel when you’ve already lost a baby.

@lunamoon1 totally get where your coming from with the feeling infertile, in a weird way I want to have another baby to prove my body isn’t broken, that I can still carry a baby properly. I can’t face my job as I just feel a bit like why do they get their babies & I didn’t get mine, not that I’d wish this on anyone but, don’t really know how to finish that sentence tbh. Part of me thinks I should relax & just go with the flow the other part of me is so desperate that I’ll try anything to help me get pregnant

@ReeRi @sh84
You're both right, I need to take my time with the ashes and do something nice for her. I'm not sure that I would want them at home, we don't have a place of our own yet so the only place we could keep her would be the bedroom and I don't think that's right. I have a long time to decide so I will just take it one step at a time.

@lunamoon1 I know google does no good, I keep thinking about how many careless people have got pregnant without realising, smoking, drinking, drug use and still went on to have healthy children. The only thing I did when I got pregnant with Mia was vaping and for some reason I keep thinking it was maybe something chemical in that that's caused it. Since losing her, I've gone back to vaping as it's been so stressful and now trying again so I'm cutting it down to eventually give it up before ovulation. Fingers crossed I have a strong will. At the NIPT test our sonographer said that there are women out there in the world that are very malnourished because of their living conditions and still have children. That's really stuck with me.

On a separate note I've seen a lot of posts recently with my hospital about neglecting children. 2 of them came from girls I went to school with. It's making me feel like I now definitely don't want to go back there!

I mean neglecting at childbirth specifically

Thanks for the tag. The last few weeks have been up and down. We cleared out our daughter’s room, the room where she died, that had become a dumping ground for all the baby stuff. It was horrible and we didn’t finish. The cot where she died is still there and I want it to go to the top, even though there is nothing wrong with it. I couldn’t face looking through the clothes. We are getting the room replastered and painted on Monday.

We’ve also been on holiday, which was mostly really good to be away and enjoy some sunshine. Coming back to this weather, winter, Christmas, DD’s looming 1st birthday and politics has been grim.

We are still ttc but I haven’t been doing opks so as usual no idea where I am in my cycle. CD26 with irregular cycles.

@ReeRi good idea to go away and do something different for Christmas. I’m desperate not to have our “usual” Christmas here at home. DD was born just before Christmas and we had the perfect Christmas at home together with her. I just can’t face it without her.

@ReeRi @sh84 your bodies did not fail your babies. It isn’t your fault. Awful random things happen and babies die. I can’t imagine how you must feel to think that had you had a c section (no reason to) the day before your baby would be here. It’s just fucking horrible.

I think like this about my DD. Had I woken up and checked her at the right moment I could have maybe saved her. Even thought I had no reason to think there was anything wrong and there is was no detectable reason for her death. We have to try and not torture ourselves with the what-ifs. Life and death are cruel. We are truly unlucky and our stories are tragedies.

It is truly horrific that anyone is posting on this thread tbh, each of us has suffered a loss but in different ways & we’re all in the same place, hurting, grieving, ttc after loss when all we want is our babies. None of chose this. A friend said to me a while ago- I don’t know how you are doing this & that was my answer- because I wasn’t given a choice

@ReeRi that's a lovely idea to head to Edinburgh for Christmas, I used to live in Edinburgh up until last year it's such a lovely city.

@sh84 it's such a horrible feeling isn't it, always feeling like there must be something wrong. Totally understand that about work & im sure they would too, it's too big a thing for you to face at the moment, and if you can't ever again then that's okay too

@riceandwhisky that's a good point I never really thought of it like that, by changing to vaping you had such a positive change on your body for your little girl so please don't feel you did anything wrong. I remember walking into the hospital the morning of my c-section, knowing our little boy wasn't well, and seeing an expectant mother sitting on a hospital chair smoking, it took all my strength not to explode! & I bet she went on to have a perfectly healthy baby, not that I would wish her anything else, but it's just not fair!

@Pandora71 oh what a big task you undertook, well done for being able even partly to do that, an unbelievably draining thing to have to do, small steps. It's so tough this time of year without our babies, especially with your daughters birthday being so close to Christmas, my heart goes out to you and I hope your are finding strength even in the smallest of ways

@riceandwhisky I hope you find the perfect place for them in time

Good to hear from you @Pandora71 Clearing out the room sounds tough but glad you were able to enjoy your time away. I didn’t track this month either and now I’m the 2WW. I hope you find a way to get through Christmas. If you can plan something even if a day thing then I would recommend it. Maybe it would help to focus on something.

@lunamoon1 I’m looking forward to it and haven’t been before so any recommendations would be most welcome 😊

I am on CD27. My cycle is usually 30 day and I ovulate around day 14 but I had lots of CM around day 18 so not sure if I ovulated later. I’ve been symptom spotting and was feeling a bit hopeful this cycle but got a BFN on Wednesday evening and again this morning (FRERs).

Now wondering whether I ovulated late or maybe not at all!

@ReeRi what will you be getting up to? There's so many nice bars and restaurants around, will you be doing any 'tourist' things? There's an amazing cheese & wine bar called Pickles, very rustic & cosy, you can't book tho so it can be a wait sometimes depending on where you go Sorry about the BNF, I totally got my hopes up this cycle too. You're not out til AF shows tho, fingers crossed it doesn't!

I stupidly tested around 7/8 DPO, thought I could see a hint of a line & tested again this afternoon & saw something a tiny bit more convincing but now I think it's just wishful thinking.. trying to hold out a few more days before testing again. So silly I know!

@lunamoon1 I haven’t planned much yet but I think a lot depends on the weather. We are only there 3 nights but I’d like to get out for at least one nice walk and the spa has a hotel so maybe we will use the spa if we need to stay indoors. I would probably look at the museums etc too.

Sounds like this might be your cycle - a line is a line! I couldn’t see anything on the tests I did.

I am about 13dpo if I ovulated when I usually do or maybe only about 9dpo if I go by CM.

@ReeRi that's true, it's always so windy in Edinburgh, fingers crossed the rain stays off for you. Get yourself to the Royal Mile & The Grassmarket if you can over in Old Town, it's beautiful all the old buildings and architecture! Lovely, make the most of it. I was pretty excited to test this morning because of yesterday's faint (but definite line) but a stark white BNF this morning, that's what I get for testing so early. Fingers crossed we are both still in with a chance tho!

Hope everyone has a nice weekend planned x

Thanks @lunamoon1 We are staying at the Sheraton in Festival Square so think it’s pretty central. Sounds like it is early for you so you are in with a chance. I don’t know what’s going on with me this month. I know I’m not out unless AF shows but I’m feeling less hopeful x

Hi! @lunamoon1 pointed me in the direction of this thread (thank you!) and I will take some time to read the previous posts but I wanted to say hello as I feel like I'm going mad recently.
My first born son, Teddy, died in March this year at 5 and a half months old. His birthday was October 14th.
My partner and I have recently started to ttc again. It's horrible. I wish it wasn't. I'm anxious every month - I'm terrified of a BFP & a BFN. But we both want a baby, we both want to be parents.
I'm on CD 26 - my cycles are usually 31 days. I'm fighting the urge to POAS. How does everyone cope with the anxiety and stress of the end of a cycle?!