TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

[ReeRi]

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

[ReeRi]

@lunamoon1 It is. It helps to have other things to focus on whether work or whatever planning fun things but I am feeling a bit rubbish tbh.

[ReeRi]

How is everyone doing?

I am still struggling. A friend who lost her baby around the same time as us told me yesterday she is pregnant and I’m happy for her as she knows a loss like ours and deserves some joy but she laughed when I said I’d had a miscarriage and then told me she was pregnant. And then went on to tell me every fear she has and worry about antenatal classes etc. It was a bit much as it was out of the blue and I don’t think I could really be sympathetic although I can understand.

I’m stressed with work but it’s a good distraction.

I am not getting on great with DH. We seem to be at odds. That is the worst bit.

I’m on CD9 so expect I should be in my fertile period soon.

[lunamoon1]

Hi @ReeRi , I'm so sorry to hear about your friend being dismissive about your miscarriage, I can't imagine anyone ever thinking it's something to laugh about & even more so when you have experienced a loss the same! It's fair to say just because you'd had a similar experience to someone doesn't always mean they will 'get it' which is sad! I hope it doesn't get you down too much. How long have you been back at work? It's the furthest thing from my mind much at the moment but know it will be upon be before I know it (some time next year). Like you said tho, good distraction, just remember to take the time you need on the days you need it, grief is a strange thing!

I hope your DH starts to feel a little better soon, it's a hard ride for them too as they can be a little pushed to the side after loss by others, as everyone thinks about the mothers straight away. Maybe a little chat with a glass of wine or something might get him to open up a bit.

I'm CD 7 so just behind you, we can agonise in the TWW together!

[Pandora71]

@ReeRi she laughed? Hopefully a nervous-don’t-know-what-to-day laugh at least? Try to put it past you and have a bit of distance from her until you are (if you are) ready to deal with her.

Is there anything you can do to reconnect with DH? Me and my DH have been on a few date nights recently doing things we used to do when we were in our twenties - we felt like “us” again and it felt nice. We are also talking a lot about our lost DD and trying to stay on the same page roughly by sharing how we are feeling. What is making you feel distance from DH?

I’m kinda ok. I’m in the 2ww without knowing exactly when I ovulated on my stupid long cycles. Still cry nearly every day. I’ve got a couple more months till I go back to work.

[OhTheRoses]

I do understand. Pg 1, 17 weeks failure of placenta, DS1 36 weeks - all fine, Pg 12 weeks, DS2 27 weeks and he died within a few hours of birth - 20 week scan had identified significant heart problems, Pg after first period and list v early, gynae problems arose and gynaecigist established minor infection had prevailed and to cease trying until all resolved. Got pg by mistake (we had a mind blowing row over whether to try again and then made up). DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 died.

I completely understand the stress and desperation and anxiety over waiting for af, being able to try again when she comes, the desperation to be pg and the terror of what might happen when one is pg. Of the feeling different, of the putting on a brave face at christenings, and crying silently on the phone as a friend gently tells you they are expecting, and at thecsame time enacting a tinkly little laugh and delight for them, of crying oneself to sleep and reliving bad news.

I think of DS every day, he'd be my slightly darker boy, the quieter one with a bit more empathy who probably would have given up sport for music, rather than music for sport like his big brother. He'd have done the rites now of Reading, Malia, a gap year and brought home his first girl friend. But he didn't, he was ill and died soon after birth. He would be 22 now and I still think of him every day but I promise you with all my heart it eventually stops hurting.

Sometimes I look at the two children I have and if the losses hadn't happened, I'd have different children and that becomes another albeit unimaginable complexity.

I am glad there are fora nowadays, I am glad you all have each other and shared experiences and can provide each other comfort. I remember some very dark days, in fact I have voids when I was pg with dd such was my despair.

I wish you weren't hurting so much.

[ReeRi]

@lunamoon1 I’ve been back at work since end of August. DH is really annoying me. At this rate I don’t know if we’ll even get around to doing the BD while I’m fertile which stresses me out more! As in it bothers me more that we’re arguing as I feel like I might miss my chance this month as a result.

@Pandora71 It’s understandable if you’re crying a lot, or even if you’re not. I’m struggling at the moment but I feel more up or down at different times. I definitely feel worse when at odds with DH. I don’t know how to make things better. He’s not very good at communicating with me generally and I’m not great when I’m as emotional as I now so it’s hard not to bump heads but then I feel double worse as I need his support and don’t have it.

My friend was weird. I don’t know her super well. I met her at a Sands meeting after we lost our babies in Jan and Feb and have seen her 2-3 times after that but she seems very nice. She obviously was itching to tell me. She laughed when I said it and can’t have meant it but she laughed and it was so weird! She didn’t say she was sorry or anything. She then just asked if we were TTC so I said yes and then asked her and she just gave me a cheesy grin! And then said she pregnant and proceeded to tell me she’s feeling sick and about how she doesn’t want to do all the stuff she did last time but it was a bit much and a weird way to tell me in my opinion.

Thanks for your post @OhTheRoses I am sorry for the loss of your son. I was out trying to raise awareness for baby loss awareness week this week and one woman came over and said it had been 26 years for her. So heartbreaking. I bet she knows how long it has been to the day even now.

[ReeRi]

While at the Sands stand I saw a friend who had been strange recently. I may have mentioned a friend who I’d been trying to make plans with but was being a bit non-committal (I think that’s just how she is). Anyway I ended up saying shall we just leave if she’s busy but I’ve been having a tough time and had just wanted to do something fun. I mentioned twice I’ve been feeling down and don’t normally talk about any of it to her. No acknowledgement. I saw her near the stand and said hi. She looked at me like she wished she hadn’t seen me and said she had to go. I could see she was in a rush but she still could have said hi in a friendly way or send a text from the train to say sorry to dash off but she had to get the train (which is what I probably would have done).

I hate people this week!

[lunamoon1]

@Pandora71 fingers crossed for you!

@OhTheRoses thank you for sharing your story with us, no matter how much time has passed we will never move on or forget about our little ones.

@ReeRi I'm sorry to hear everything is a bit all over the place at the moment, it's hard enough dealing with all of this never mind not getting along with DH & having unsupportive friends, there really is no excuse for that! I know some people struggle with what to say but even just to say anything is better than nothing. I hope you have other, more comforting friends who can be there for you! It sucks does it, it feels like the everyone else's world moves on and we are just left behind.

I had a lovely weekend with family which is what I really needed. My SIL had her baby and it was so nice to meet her. We are quite a close family so I'll be seeing a lot of her. It's hard as now we can see exactly what we are missing, but at the same time it's lovely to have her. I'm starting OPK testing tomorrow with the clearblue advanced, hopefully won't be too long until we get that static smiley! I hope everyone had a relaxing weekend.

[ReeRi]

🕯🕯🕯

@lunamoon1 Thank you. We feel a lot better now and have managed to dtd. I am on my third day of flashing smileys. Have you got your smiley yet? I hope you get some comfort and joy of being around your niece. I am surprised sometimes how wonderful I find being around babies and small children when I sometimes expect it to be painful

Hope everyone else is ok tonight

I am touched by the number of people who have sent me pictures of candles they have lit for our babies tonight ❤️

[lunamoon1]

@ReeRi I'm so glad to hear that, through these awful times our partners really are our biggest supports, and vice versa, but bumps along the road are inevitable. That's good! No flashing for me yet, fingers crossed in the next few days. Seeing that empty circle is a bit frustrating! I expected a bit of a wait tho.

🕯🕯🕯 I thought of all the little ones in heaven tonight along with our son whilst lighting a candle, it's such a touching tribute and I'm so glad it's being more openly spoken about now than ever before.

Sending love!

[Pandora71]

How are you all doing?

I’ve been away quite a bit with DH and DS. It’s been good but also hard. DS talking a lot about our lost DD. We all miss her so much.

Meanwhile I’m on CD38. Did a test. Nothing. Who knows what my cycle is doing...

[ReeRi]

How are you doing @lunamoon1?

@Pandora71 Is your cycle is usually so irregular?

I think I’m about 5DPO. I’m ok. Went to Sands last night. Everyone seeks to be pregnant or have just had a baby girl but I’m okay!

To be fair I’ve been so stressed with work and that seems to impact on everything else as I don’t think I was eating or sleeping properly all of last week.

How is everyone else?

[lunamoon1]

@Pandora71 grief is such a wave of emotions, just when you think you're on top of it, it comes crashing down again. I hope you managed to enjoy yourself as much as you can.

@ReeRi doing okay thank you, how are you? It's so hard isn't it, I feel like I see a pregnancy announcement/picture of a new baby every week. That's good about work but also hope you are taking enough time to yourself. Fingers crossed for you! How many months have you been TTC since you lost your little girl?

I'm on day 5 of flashing smiley today, I was sure it was going to be a solid smiley today.. sadly not! Not sure what's going on with my body but I'll keep testing and just hope for the best!

[lunamoon1]

@ReeRi not good about work I mean, I hope you are looking after yourself even with the heavy workload, self care is so important!

[ReeRi]

@lunamoon1 I’m ok thanks, feeling more positive this week I think. I started TTC about two months after having my daughter (wasn’t really planned and first cycle was not so much trying as just not using contraception). I got pregnant on cycle four but had an early MC. Didn’t try at all the following cycle and then started again last cycle and now is second cycle since MC.

The positive is it took 3-4 cycles to fall pregnant last time and I wasn’t tracking or anything when I fell pregnant with my first so I’m hoping it will happen quickly this time and maybe be third time lucky for us🤞

You should keep going with testing. TBH sometimes I’m pleased to have flashing smileys for a good few days as I am convinced I’m more fertile in the days before my static smiley.

It does feel like so many people are pregnant. A few at work. People I’ve met through Sands who lost babies around the same time as us seem to have got pregnant straight away. Even the bloggers I watch on YouTube etc all seem to be pregnant - about five of them! I’m trying to detach myself from that which I can mostly do but sometimes of course seeing a baby or pregnant person reminds me of when I was pregnant and I feel a bit angry sometimes because my baby died but I suppose that’s normal.

[lunamoon1]

@ReeRi you've been through a really hard time this year & sometimes it's easy to go too hard on yourself. I really hope so, I have my fingers crossed for you soo much! are you tempted by early testing or will you hold out until AF is late? Honestly, it's so true once you want something you start seeing it EVERYWHERE, but it does teach you how other people's lives really shouldn't have an impact on ours but how easy it is to get drawn in, esp through social media, I can't tell you how many friends I have 'muted' who are either pregnant or have young kids, I just can't do it at the moment.

Thank you for your advice, I kept testing and finally got my static smiley last night! That's true about having a good lot of fertile days before peak, I never thought of it like that🤞🏼

[ReeRi]

@lunamoon1 Pleased you got your static smiley 🙂 I have muted people who have been posting about pregnancy and babies. I am happy for my good family and friends who have had babies or who are pregnant especially if they are there for me but anyone else I just don’t need it. But every pregnancy and baby is a reminder that my baby died and how unlucky we were. I know that’s just life and I’m ok.

I would probably wait to see if AF is late before testing as I would usually assume I am not pregnant but I am already symptom spotting like I feel a bit spotty and hormonal. It’s a bit early for PMT but I haven’t been sleeping well so it could be down to that...

Hope everyone else is ok

[lunamoon1]

Hi ladies, how is everyone getting on? Been quite quiet here with me, I think I'm in the middle of my 2WW, tried temping but I have quite a bad cold so think that is throwing my temps off, although I can see a shift which is good. No good at holding off testing, but fully excepting to be disappointed at the same time. I hope life is being kind to you ladies, we deserve it so much.

@ReeRi how has work been for you?

[Monique007]

Hi @ReeRi

I read your first posts and I agree. I’m sorry for your loss, I can relate to you but haven’t been in your situation to completely understand.

I have had a few early miscarriages and 1 neonatal death. My baby passed away at 1 day old.

My subsequent pregnancy was so stressful, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and depression and was feeling all the time I will lose another baby, couldn’t bear the thought of another funeral and the grief.

I gave myself time and been gentle with myself.

Found that lots of people couldn’t understand me and judge me sometimes for the way I was feeling.

Now pregnant again, I am better but feel some anxiety still. I find even more that people expect me to be ok all the time as I have 2 living children and they’ve forgotten about my 2nd born who’s not with us.

Hope all good with you!

[ReeRi]

Hi @lunamoon1 Fingers crossed for you this cycle. I think AF is showing signs today so explains why I have felt dreadful for a week! Work is ok but I get bad PMT so this week has been a little tough.

@Monique007 Sorry for your loss. I think it’s very tough for people to understand and I find that frustrating

[Pandora71]

Anyone else really struggling today? I can't stop thinking about how wonderfully silly my DD would have looked dressed up as a pumpkin. She never got to see a Halloween. It is all so fucking unfair.

[ReeRi]

Ah @Pandora71 Me too. I thought I’d dress my little one up as a pumpkin, I was thinking earlier just about her sitting with us inside as the trick or treaters knocked. Sometimes I feel the waves of grief more acutely and more often then others and I’ve suffered a bit this week. It really is unfair. I find myself feeling quite angry at the world sometimes...

[lunamoon1]

Agreed, seeing pictures of so many little ones dressed up for Halloween really got to me, which is weird because Halloween's not really something I've ever been in to, but me & DH always joked about dressing baby up in cute little costumes. So unfair.

Thank you @ReeRi trying so hard not to get my hopes up which is proving tricky. Feel like a woman possessed some days!

[ReeRi]

Morning, hope everyone is ok?

I was wondering whether any of you had looked into molly bears or anything like that? I signed up for one ages ago and just got my email to confirm the order. I’d kind of forgotten about it.

[riceandwhisky]

Hi everyone,

I hope it's okay to join?

I had a medical termination as my baby girl was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. I delivered her 2 weeks ago but they suspect that the baby was sleeping for a few days already.

We are looking to try again, not to replace a loss but we are really looking to start a family.

About a week after the procedure we started sleeping together again as I felt comfortable, even though I was still bleeding a tiny bit after the loss. We haven't been using contraception as we do want to try again but obviously there is a worry that my body might not be ready.

For the past couple of days I've had those sharp tingly feelings just under my hips in my abdomen and rusty discharge along with thrush. All symptoms that I had with my pervious implantation. I can't test right now as I'm probably still having hormones from the previous pregnancy so any positives will most likely be false.

So I'm a bit stuck right now... I'm still taking folic acid, I haven't stopped. I'm just keen to get some clear answers to take care of myself. At the same time I'm dreading the disappointment if all of these are just symptoms post termination and I'm just being extra sensitive.

Do you think I should request a blood test to confirm? Is it even possible after a termination 2 and a half weeks ago to have ovulated?