I do understand. Pg 1, 17 weeks failure of placenta, DS1 36 weeks - all fine, Pg 12 weeks, DS2 27 weeks and he died within a few hours of birth - 20 week scan had identified significant heart problems, Pg after first period and list v early, gynae problems arose and gynaecigist established minor infection had prevailed and to cease trying until all resolved. Got pg by mistake (we had a mind blowing row over whether to try again and then made up). DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 died.
I completely understand the stress and desperation and anxiety over waiting for af, being able to try again when she comes, the desperation to be pg and the terror of what might happen when one is pg. Of the feeling different, of the putting on a brave face at christenings, and crying silently on the phone as a friend gently tells you they are expecting, and at thecsame time enacting a tinkly little laugh and delight for them, of crying oneself to sleep and reliving bad news.
I think of DS every day, he'd be my slightly darker boy, the quieter one with a bit more empathy who probably would have given up sport for music, rather than music for sport like his big brother. He'd have done the rites now of Reading, Malia, a gap year and brought home his first girl friend. But he didn't, he was ill and died soon after birth. He would be 22 now and I still think of him every day but I promise you with all my heart it eventually stops hurting.
Sometimes I look at the two children I have and if the losses hadn't happened, I'd have different children and that becomes another albeit unimaginable complexity.
I am glad there are fora nowadays, I am glad you all have each other and shared experiences and can provide each other comfort. I remember some very dark days, in fact I have voids when I was pg with dd such was my despair.
I wish you weren't hurting so much.
