TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

[ReeRi]

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

@lunamoon1 I would absolutely go back and I’d recommend it. Have you been? We won’t for Christmas this time and I’d consider going for New Year next year. I’d like to go further north too. There were great places to eat, nice places to walk and shop, the hotel was lovely... so yes maybe next year! Also we don’t usually travel by train and I got a TwoTogether railcard for us to get a 1/3 off this trip so we’re thinking we will try to do more trips by train this year. I am kind of looking forward to going back to work as I quite enjoy it and I’m getting the point where I feel a bit bored. I think you’ll be fine without your DH but it is daunting. I remember when I was on mat leave and my DH went back to work and I was so worried but I soon got used to it and enjoyed the time alone xx

@riceandwhisky congratulations. Those feelings all sound perfectly natural. Now that we all know what can go wrong it is hard to enjoy pregnancy again. I too hope that over time some of the anxiety eases off. I'm really pleased for you, it's great to hear about others getting their BFP, it certainly gives me hope. Wishing you all the best for the next few months. X

@BunnytheBlueWhale yes we lived there for 2 years, it was lovely! We have done New Year there it is amazing but soo busy, even more so than Christmas. We're keen to go further North too, up to the highlands and things, have never explored Scotland as much as I would like! That's a good idea, providing they run well the trains are great and so relaxing watching the countryside pass by. It is daunting! Doing okay tho, keeping busy.

Holding out lots of hope that we will all have our BFP's soon!x

@lunamoon1 I can imagine it is busy! I would go back and was thinking maybe I would go for New Year next time so as to do things a bit differently. We would also like to travel further north but I wasn’t sure christmas was the right time as the weather is more likely to be difficult! Maybe in the Spring.

I really hope we get our BFPs soon too. I think I mentioned a friend I met through sands, who lost her baby when we lost our DD, has just had her second. Another friend has just told me she’s pregnant with her second baby. Well she had a MMC and has had a son since then and now pregnant again. I am so happy for them but just hope it happens for us too!

Do you have plans for any getaways this year? We are doing up the house so I don’t think I’ll be spending a lot of money on holidays but definitely up for a few UK breaks. And I have friend probably getting married this year so that might be a trip away for hen do or wedding as they are likely to get married abroad

@BunnytheBlueWhale yes the weather up north is more suited to spring/summer visits that's for sure! that's so lovely to hear of others having successful pregnancies after a loss but it does emphasis exactly where we want to be which is difficult. I have realised I need to stop putting my life on hold waiting to get pregnant again, I was under this illusion it would happen super quick after losing our DS and that just isn't the case, so I'm going to try to carry on with life as much as possible & if we get pregnant then great (don't get me wrong you'll still catch me tracking, just more casually than before). we have a big family wedding abroad in the summer and another one not long after, so that will keep us busy. Doing up the house will be a fun project! Have you been in that house a while?

This January lull is getting to me more so today, woke up with the heaviest heart I've had in a while & I can't stop thinking about how different life would have been if DS had made it through the recovery side of his op and how truly unfair it all is... it's tough. I hope everyone is coping okay⭐️

Ladies can I ask how long it took your periods to return to a consistent length after losing your babies?

My first period started 4 and a half weeks after losing Isla and was only s couple of days after lochia stopped. If my cycles were to return to the length they were before I got pregnant AF should have appeared today. No signs at all though.

I know it will most likely be irregular for a while but I just wondered how long it took your cycles to settle down?

I should say though that my first period after losing Isla last 11 days so I wondered if there might be a bigger gap between the first and second ones.

It’s so tough to think about what could have been @lunamoon1 Sometimes I can actually smile to myself imagining my little girl in my arms or by my side and other times it really upsets me.

We moved here in March less than two weeks after our DD funeral so it was a strange time to move but it was good for us in a way. Sad because we chose the house expecting her to be with us and then moved alone but it was good to have a change of scene and a project.

I think focussing on things other than TTC is really important just in case it doesn’t happen immediately and to keep us sane!

@Shefliesonherownwings My experience was similar to yours in that I bled for a couple of weeks after giving birth but AF cake I think 26 days after birth and lasted for 8 days. My cycle lengths then varies from about 26 days to 35 days but I think the first one was the longest. They started to even out to around 27 days but they are still not completely regular. I had a v early MC in August do that could have something to do with it but I think it takes time for you cycle to settle down

@Shefliesonherownwings after my PP bleed it took nearly 9 weeks for my AF to return (which nearly drove me to insanity!) & then after one short 26 day cycle they seem to have settled back into my usual 28-30 day cycles, but everyone is so different it's hard to know how your body will react. How are you doing?

@BunnytheBlueWhale that's a lovely thought, I do smile too but it's usually followed by a tear or two. I finally have the strength to talk to him now out loud, which sometimes makes me feel a little mad lol but I enjoy it. That must have been incredibly difficult but like you said it would have been good to have that focus and that project. Certainly, staying sane is the goal of 2020 for me! would your DD have been turning 1 in Feb? Do you have any thoughts as to marking the occasion? I know everyone does these things so differently. Hope you are feeling okay this bleak Jan week! I'm looking forward to it being over.

@lunamoon1 I told you her too sometimes. Yes she would have been 1 in Feb. I want to do something but I don’t know what. I don’t want to “celebrate” because she’s not here but I want to mark the occasion. One small thing, which I know anyone else but maybe you ladies, would probably think strange. But I want the get a pink helium balloon with a number 1. For some reason I want to get one and bring it home. I don’t know why. It’s like my little show of love for her. But then I imagine buying it and the lady in the shop asking who it’s for or someone coming over and thinking I’m mad! We also still need to get a headstone sorted and I had wanted it down before her 1st birthday but maybe if we get it sorted around that time that would be something... I am wondering who will actually remember of my family and friends... These dates can be so hard can’t they?

I’m just having a moment of wishing my DD was here. She’d be 11 months on Monday. I’d be saying I can’t believe she’s 11 months. She’d be 1 soon. I wanted to do a big 1st birthday party for her. I’m ok but it’s pretty rubbish

@BunnytheBlueWhale that's so tricky, I'd say if you want to buy a balloon then go for it, I know it comes with the risk of the shop assistant asking who it's for but that's the only major thing in your way, see how you feel at the time but if you are wanting to do it enough I'd say go for it. I'm worried about who will remember too, my DS's birthday is a while away but it does play on my mind thinking about who will and won't remember.

It is, the whole thing is beyond rubbish & I so desperately wish it wasn't this way for us all & our babies. I wish they were here to celebrate all the milestones with & how I wish we'd all met on an antenatal thread about breastfeeding or something instead of here, but I am also so very thankful not to be alone on this journey.

@BunnytheBlueWhale can I ask how long it took you to conceive your DD? trying again after loss is so cruel as it makes you feel as though you have been pregnant for so long without ever getting to bring a baby home! I'm praying good things are coming our way in the next few months🙏🏼

@lunamoon1 I so wish that too, that our babies were here and life would be so different. Life can be cruel. I just felt really heartbroken last night that she’s not here. I don’t always feel like that. I always wish she were here but I don’t always cry like that. It’s weird.

We saw in laws today and they said they might come over next month. They don’t often but I did wonder whether they’d remember DD’s first birthday and whether that’s why she said it. Some of them (DH’s siblings) I hadn’t seen since we lost DD and they didn’t say anything. I know they don’t know what to say but I feel they could make some effort!

With my DD we had decided to start “trying” but not actively at all. I wasn’t on the pill but I wasn’t anyway and we didn’t time dtd or track ovulation. I wasn’t even taking folic acid as I felt like we were properly trying yet if that makes sense?! Like we had to decided to try. Sounds bonkers. I don’t know how long that was for though, maybe 6 months. Then after losing her I tracked most months and conceived again on the fourth cycle of trying but had an early mc. So that didn’t take too long and I’m hoping it will happen for us quickly again but I’d just gone 34 when I got pregnant with DD and now I am 36 in a couple of months! I think this will be our 5th cycle of trying since my MC.

How about you?

@lunamoon1 I actually came on on Friday so it was a 30 day cycle for me. I used to be 28 days pretty much every month so I'm kind of pleased it was only a couple of extra days. It felt comforting to know my body was getting back to normal. However it has been the heaviest and most painful period I've ever had which feels like a bit of a slap in the face. I don't have my DD and now I have awful period cramps. I know that sounds weird but it's another reminder of what I dont have.

@BunnytheBlueWhale I hope your in laws do remember and support you when they come over next month. I think it's a lovely idea to get a balloon. If someone asks you can tell them if you feel up to it or not if you don't but try not to let that stop you if it's what you want to do. It might be almost a year but you've still lost your little girl and sometimes that just hits you. My friend sent me a link to this article which I think is a helpful way of explaining grief.

www.indy100.com/article/grief-viral-thread-lauren-herschel-ball-in-box-analogy-death-8792541?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR1L__xDaK5ZQ3ZmiBjQssJV6kkkRdiW7F-c7y5KiEtitxSkX4L14tz7qJ4#Echobox=1578683922

Haven’t been on here for a while. How’s everyone doing. Christmas was HARD, was glad when it was over. 5dpo today, new year, new baby (hopefully) x

@BunnytheBlueWhale it's horrible feeling that heartbreak, nothing can ease it sadly and it's just about riding the waves of emotions. I hope after a good sleep you felt a bit brighter. Sometimes it just hits extra hard, and I feel like if you haven't had a good cry in a while it just needs to come out. I know I am fed up with making excuses for others because they don't know what to say or because it's awkward, at the end of the day it's nothing in comparison to what we have to face every day. That's good you have managed to conceive fairly easily each time and I so hope it is the same again for you, age is a funny thing sometimes it can have an impact but for others it doesn't seem to matter at all, and since you've conceived before I'm sure that will help in a positive way. It took us 4 months to conceive our DS, 3 months properly tracking, so I'm hoping we get a similar timeframe this time around too.

@Shefliesonherownwings I'm glad your cycles seem to be settling back down quickly, but it is an extra slap in the face when they are heavy, I was curled up on the couch with a hot water bottle feeling sorry for myself when I got mine last, anything to take the edge off! I'm going to give that article a little read later, thank you for sharing.

@sh84 nice to have you back, agreed it was so difficult at times. did you manage to get through? me too, felt like a sigh of relief! I so hope this month is your month, and for all of us ladies here⭐️ 2020 I pray will bring us our babies, we so deserve it🙏🏼

@Shefliesonherownwings I will have a look at the link. I wonder if I was feeling a bit shit the last couple of days because it’s coming up to a year although I have times like that anyway. Maybe always will.

@lunamoon1 Well yes and I get people don’t know what to say and it’s awkward but those I hadn’t seen for a year could have made a bit more effort to come and speak to me and ask how I am even if they don’t want to mention Ruby. Do you know what I mean? Apparently MIL told DH in the phone yesterday that everyone commented on how well I was looking. I said “you mean because I was chatting and laughing I wasn’t the grieving mother they were expecting?” He said yes I think that’s what she meant. We were at DH’s man’s place as everyone happened to be there at the same time and genuinely I went to greet everyone and give them a hug etc. It just annoys me a bit. I hope MIL does remember. That’s if they even come!

Yes I conceived fairly easily those times but I am convinced it will be harder now for us. Just seems like that’s how it goes. I know I’m being a bit irrational about it. Sounds like you conceived quickly too. I am hopefully for 2020!

I do feel better today, thanks.

@lunamoon1 I just about managed to get through Christmas, I felt awful but didn’t want to bring anyone else down. I was just thinking I should have a new baby now, he shouldn’t be sitting there in his urn. As soon as I finished my dinner I just thought thank god it’s over. There was a lot of secret toilet crying.
@BunnytheBlueWhale I will absolutely be getting balloons on his first birthday, I want his birthday to be seen as his birthday not the anniversary of his death. I just think he didn’t get balloons when he was born so he’ll be getting his birthday balloons. If the person in the shop asks I’ll say they’re for my baby, if they dig for info I’ll say he died, yes it will make the them feel uncomfortable & stop the conversation but I don’t care, it’s not my responsibility to stop how others feel because baby loss isn’t openly spoken about in society

@sh84 I’m sorry you found Christmas so difficult. I think I would have struggled more if we hadn’t gone away. You’re right about the balloons. I think the same to be honest although I know when my DH will probably think it’s weird!

We’re going to tie happy birthday messages to the balloons & let them go, people might look at us & think that’s weird letting off a bunch of balloons but I really don’t care. You do whatever you want to do, if I’ve learnt one thing about this process is you have to do what you want/need to do. A friend of mine lost her baby & she had a big 1st party & although it was heartbreaking it was a lovely day for all the children & parents who had met through baby loss. Do whatever you want, buy a balloon, buy a card, buy flowers, buy a present, who cares if it’s “normal” I don’t think any of this is normal

@sh84 You are so right. I thought I might get the balloons and let them off. I don’t know if I’d want a party but I want to do something. She’s my daughter and she will always be. I want to celebrate her too. Just to go shopping and pick a cuddly toy for her as I would if she were here.

@BunnytheBlueWhale exactly, I just think he didn’t get balloons to welcome him home from hospital, the only flowers & cards we got were sympathy cards & funeral flowers. Although it kills me that’s he’s not here I want to celebrate him because I’m so proud of him, I don’t love him any differently because he’s not here so I’m going to do the little things I can on his birthday, he’ll have a card, he’ll have balloons, he’ll have flowers & hopefully he’ll have a little brother or sister inside me

@sh84 I know. We get it. Unfortunately those who haven’t been through something like this don’t understand, don’t know what to say and sometimes don’t acknowledge our beautiful babies. I have my fingers crossed for you for your rainbow baby 🌈

@BunnytheBlueWhale absolutely, just because when people look at us they don't see a stereotypical 'bereaved mother' doesn't mean we have in any way 'moved on' or 'gotten over' it, and that's the part I struggle with, that people will assume once we get our rainbow babies that it makes it all okay, which it doesn't, we will all always have a member of the family missing from around the dinner table, it's just that we learnt to cope with it in our own ways. I totally get the irrational feeling, baby loss at any stage will do that to you, it takes away hope sadly! but on my more positive days I genuinely believe we will get there & be able to bring home a sibling for our DS. It's funny that if I had never lost my DS & we were TTC no. 2 I would never question my fertility but because we lost our son neonatally I'm all of a sudden questioning my capabilities to conceive ever again?! It's madness what your brain does to you.

@sh84 secret toilet crying got me through too, but I must admit there were moments I really enjoyed myself & I really wasn't expecting to. I love the idea of balloons and cards, I think I will be doing that for my husband! They deserve it so much, after all they had been through, their little lives deserve to be celebrated so much! when is your DS's birthday?

@lunamoon1 It is just so easy to think the worst after something awful happens!