TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

[ReeRi]

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

@shefliesonherownwings That’s a lovely name. That’s so heartbreaking and sorry I thought you said you had had the funeral on Wednesday. I hope it goes well. Will you be having many people there? I know what you mean. None of use think we’ll be planning a funeral on maternity leave but actually in some way I found it helpful to be able to do something for her like plan her funeral, pick the songs, the wording for her plaque, what she’d wear. I even bought a toy for her, a jellyfish elephant, and one for us to keep. I wanted to buy her a toy because I’m her mum and she’s my little girl. I worried about the funeral too but I actually think it went as well as it could have and it wasn’t a horrible day, which sounds weird as it was my daughter’s funeral, but by then I had accepted she had gone (as much as you can) and just wanted to do my best by her. I’ll be thinking of you and Isla on Wednesday.

My DD weight 6lb4 we think (MW said “she is X kg which I think is 6lb9” but then we put said kg into converter and it was 6lb4 so I don’t know for sure which is annoying but I weighed 6lb4 which is sweet.

I hope Christmas is ok for you. It probably won’t be as bad as we think. I feel better having planned something but then again I’ve enjoyed Christmas shopping and buying things for my loved ones. I think sometimes it’s important to remember who is still with us. But if you wanted to spend more time alone I think anyone would understand that.

@ReeRi are you feeling any better after the weekend? It's such a tiring time in general, I woke up crying this morning before my day had even begun... not a great start! I feel like this is going to happen a lot in the next 2 weeks. It sounds like your DD was probably 6lb4, it's confusing now that they use kgs too. I wish health professionals would take more care with things like that too sometimes, as knowing your DD's weight is such an important thing. I so agree with needing to remember who is still here and to try to enjoy the day as best we can. I'm trying not to be too down for DH's sake as he has helped me through this amazingly, I want to do all I can to be positive for him.

@Shefliesonherownwings I totally understand, your arms feel so empty so quickly, and no one can be the judge of when you decide to try again, it's so so personal! sending you lots of strength for the funeral, it's such a hard day, but you will get through it for your daughter. I look back on my sons funeral now and feel like it was a total outer body experience, I don't know how we did it... but we did. I agree with what Ree said too, we actually had a really calm, peaceful day filled with lots of remembering and laughs, it was one of the most important days of my life (I hope that doesn't sound too strange) I know you will get there too. Can I say I I love her name, it's beautiful!

@lunamoon1 Yes it is slightly frustrating as it is important. funny thing was my mum said “no she’s no 6lb4 as she’s heavier than you were” and I was saying can you really remember, it was nearly 35 years ago?!

I’m sorry you’re feeling down. It is hard. People make comments about their kids and it makes me sad. Like today someone at work has his kids (teenagers) full time now as they went to live with him recently from their mum’s house and I said it’s nice he has them for Christmas and he said “You keep saying it’s nice but it’s not really as you’ll find out soon enough” or something but I thought it a bit insensitive. He was joking but I was thinking you are lucky to have your kids at Christmas, not only alive but with you! I know he didn’t mean anything. Another colleague said she didn’t mind what her daughter did “as long as she is living and breathing” and comments like that bother me slightly but what can I do?! If I’m oversensitive then I suppose that is my issue and I can’t expect other people to understand...

I hope we all manage to have a nice Christmas even in not great circumstances. I will be thinking of all of our babies who are not with us.

@ReeRi my mum says tho n S like that sometimes too, like can you really remember? That must be so hard when people say that sort of stuff to you, I don't know I feel as if people should know better tho, people really need to think before they speak! when it comes to the topic of children anyway, I guess those with children just assume it's a given in life & don't think about what it would be like for them not to be here anymore, I mean... why should they really. I saw a mother with a beautiful baby today in the supermarket and that almost set me off, standing there with empty arms looking at her smiling at the baby... to me she looked like the luckiest woman in the world & she didn't even know it. It took all I had not to say something but also I didn't want to cry at her lol.

I don't know if any of you follow/know of Malin Andersson, she posted a video online today about baby loss awareness around Christmas time, coping ect and I thought it was lovely to hear from someone with experience but also a big social following to speak out about the topic. I'll be thinking of all of our babies when I light a candle for my little one on Christmas Day too x

How is everyone getting on? Sending love⭐️

Hi @lunamoon1 Sorry I didn’t get around to replying last time. I don’t really follow any social media that much. I’m having a bad day today. I has an argument with DH which I think was mainly my fault as I came home from yoga feeling down and in a bad mood but he didn’t react well so it escalated into a horrible argument. I ended up calling MIL pretty much in the middle of the argument (I sometimes call her to talk as my mum can be judgment and will decide she doesn’t like DH if I am annoyed with him) but she obviously didn’t know what to say and I just feel awkward now but I think I’m having trouble coping today and maybe she would see that...

Christmas is hard. I’m thinking back to last Christmas when I was nearly 8 months pregnant. A guy who works on my floor is having a baby with his wife and she was being induced yesterday. Hearing the conversation and emails and cards about it were tough. I find myself mentally almost going “la la la” in my head so I can’t hear. There’s a pregnant woman on my floor too. I think I haven’t slept well the last couple of weeks so I’ve been tired and maybe feeling down as a result but it’s just a bit difficult.

BUT I have also enjoyed buying Christmas gifts and we are going to Edinburgh in a few days (if we don’t keep arguing!)

How are you?

How is everyone else?

Hi all - I'm still alive. We're getting a puppy tomorrow and that is pretty much the only thing that's keeping me going. We're ignoring Christmas this year and are going to lock the doors.
We're very sad - and DP is having some trouble with his family. They're feeling "ostracised" from him because he doesn't want to speak to them much and don't feel supported by them since our sons death (his brother didn't speak to him for 3 months after Teddy died because he was angry with DP because their mum is taking it all really badly and DP isn't supporting her).
So yes - no family, just puppy this year.
I hope everyone has as peaceful Christmas as is possible for them.

I hope you enjoy it as much as you can @booandbumpp As you know, we didn’t want to do Christmas either so we are going away but I’m looking forward to that in a way. Enjoy your puppy! I’m sure puppy cuddles will give you some comfort xx

Hello, we are also having a tough time here. Like you @ReeRi I am struggling with thoughts of what should have been. I was so looking forward to dressing up our DD and everyone spoiling her. I hate going out and seeing all the christmas stuff but staying in is worse. Be kind to yourself and your husband, it's inevitable you will take your feelings out on each other. I'm sure your MIL will understand you needed to speak to someone else in that moment. When do you go away?

We had the post mortem through on Friday which gave no answers for DDs passing. It's made me feel worse. I was hoping for an explanation and hoping it would help me deal with it. But now I feel like it is all so pointless as we have no idea what happened and will never know.

Also like your DH @booandbumpp I am struggling with my dad. He is very self involved and was pretty horrible to me the night before DDs funeral this week as I told him to stop making things about himself. He basically told me that other people are upset and he's having to walk on eggshells around me. I told him how i felt about it all yesterday and he has again failed to take responsibility for his own actions and basically blames me saying I just take everything out on him. I will be NC from now on. I'm sorry you are dealing with the same. I hope you manage to have an ok day and enjoy your new puppy, what breed are you getting?

@ReeRi when do you go away? We thought about it but I have to work on the 27th so couldn't really book to go away.

@Shefliesonherownwings I'm sorry that the post mortem didn't give you any answers. It must have been painful (and still be painful).
And I'm sorry about your dad. Yes - we've had a common theme of people reminding us that "we're not the only ones that are upset/grieving". It's beside the point. Our grief, as parents, is so much bigger than any grandparents/aunts/uncle.
My mums partner tried to tell me that my mum was grieving me too because i went into hiding a couple of months after teddy died (when the shock wore off). I reminded him I wasn't dead (my mum didn't want him to send the message, he did it of his own stupid volition and we have t spoken to him since).
I don't think there is anything wrong with going NC with people who interrupt your grief and try and make it about themselves.

He's a goldendoodle! He's going to be called Barney. I can't wait to bring him home.

Yes we’re ok @Shefliesonherownwings It’s a tough time for us and I think we just need to be kinder to ourselves and eachother. I’m sure MIL will understand. They are not local to us and we barely see them anyway tbh.

I’m sorry the post mortem results didn’t give you any answers but the I suppose the positive is that there is nothing to suggest what happened is likely to happen again. It’s just so tough to accept our babies were taken away from us for no reason.

@booandbumpp We go away tomorrow morning, 24th, and we are back on 27th. We are lucky to have two weeks off. I actually came back to work from mat leave 6 months early so I had something like 36 days annual leave to use in 7 months so I am trying to use some of them. I have been paid for 10 days.

I’m sorry you’ve had difficulties with your family. I know my mum really felt the loss like we did but they’ve been quite understanding. I’ve had the most difficulty with friends. I feel like some of them could have made more effort. Or the ones that were there for a few months seem to think it’s business as usual now that some months have passed and I’m back at work. Anyone who has had a loss, though, understands how difficult Christmas is after you’ve lost someone, maybe especially the first Christmas and it’s a child you’ve lost.

I have found myself less tolerant of those who don’t show interest in how I am. I was one the person who could be relied upon to arrange things but now I can’t be bothered making any effort with people who don’t make an effort with me.

How is everyone? I hope you all had w gentle Christmas x

Hi @ReeRi yesterday and Christmas Day were actually better than I thought. I was dreading it but we were at my in laws and they were lovely. It was low key which was what I wanted. There were teary moments and I did feel really guilty when I was enjoying myself but it was ok in the end. Unfortunately I think it's hit me today that this isn't how we should be celebrating Christmas and it has been a very low day for both of us.

I had my six week check up on Monday and was signed off by the doctor. DH and I actually DTD this week for the first time. It wasn't planned but just happened and it wasn't as painful as I had thought it might be. It was actually nice to be close like that again. We've decided we'll just see what happens and won't use any contraception and probably from March look at tracking things more closely in terms of trying again.

How are you doing?.

@Shefliesonherownwings It is tough to think about how things should have been. It does hit me at odd times. I’m ok. We were in Edinburgh for Christmas and we had a really lovely trip. It helped us to be away from here. I would usually have gone to my parents’ for Christmas but I felt like the void would have been to obvious if we were there and our daughter were missing, if that makes sense. Being away, it was not a very traditional Christmas Day at all. We didn’t have Christmas dinner, we went for a walk to Arthur’s Seat and had a normal lunch (I forgot it was Christmas Day most of the time) and then spent the evening in our hotel room. We did have turkey on Boxing Day though. I think your plans are sensible. It is so easy to get caught up in tracking and with our first we didn’t track at all.

It makes perfect sense, I completely understand what you mean. Particularly during dinner I was struck by the feeling that Isla should have been next to us asleep or being fed. We tried to treat it just like any other day which helped. I think we'll do the same for NYE. I thought 2019 would be our best year ever but it's turned out to be the worst. I'm planning to be asleep before midnight and I'm hoping 2020 will be better.

Your trip sounds lovely and probably just what you needed. Shamefully I've never been to Scotland but would love to go, I bet it's lovely this time of year too.

With Isla I only started some basic tracking during Cycle 2 and that's when we fell pregannt with her so I haven't done much of it before but I know I am likely to get way too obsessive so I'm hoping taking a more relaxed approach for a couple of months will help.

How are you doing now? Do you have amy plans for NYE?

I have NC, I am the OP and was Ree...

@Shefliesonherownwings I had never been to Scotland before but it really was lovely. As for New Year I don’t usually do much in terms of staying out and drinking but have always thought it is nice to do something. Like you 2019 was going to be our year, it was the year our daughter would come into the world. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned but that makes me more hopeful for 2020, if that makes sense? I will always miss our DD and I think her first birthday will be difficult but it is quite amazing to think that we could have a baby at home with us by this time next year. I don’t like to get too caught up with timescales though as they can put pressure on us. I almost want to celebrate the New Year to mark the end of this year and encourage something positive next year! I don’t have any plans though. We might got to my parents’ for dinner on NYE or NYD as that’s what we would have done on Christmas Day. If we’re not there on NYE then I’d like to go to the cinema or to the pub or something though.

Do you have plans?

With our DD we didn’t track at all and I was only very loosely TTC. We had decided to have a baby but I wasn’t even taking folic acid so I must have thought it wasn’t going to happen yet, if that makes any sense. I don’t know how long we were trying though, maybe 6 months. I was 33-34 then though and now I’m 35 I’m conscious of my age.

I think maybe in January I won’t track but will just try to dtd as much as possible. I’ll see how we feel as it can get stressful but I have lots of plans and goals for 2020 and I feel like having other things to focus on means I’m less likely to be so obsessed with TTC!

Hi ladies, sorry I have been quite, we had such a busy Christmas which was lovely but very tiring. Our son was so much a part of our day with both our families so it was as nice a day as it could be. I hope you all had as nice a day as possible, whether it was escaping or embracing it.

@BunnytheBlueWhale how was Edinburgh? I hope you had a lovely time!

@Shefliesonherownwings I felt it a lot at the table too, there will always be an empty seat sadly.

Hoping for a brighter, more joyful 2020 for us all, what we have faced this past year is something no one should have to face, but here we are trying again and living life the best we can for our angels. We should all be so proud of ourselves, which I know isn't easy sometimes x

I’m glad you had a nice Christmas @lunamoon1 Edinburgh was great. It was such a lovely place and we managed to do something different every day with different walks and meals and my standard Boxing Day shopping but this time in Edinburgh! It was nice to go on the train as well. DH and I usually go everywhere in the car but this was a nice change.

You are right that we should be proud of ourselves for being strong, sometimes just for carrying on and for being here to support each other as well. I do find it helps to have met you all who (very unfortunately) understand what it’s like to lose a baby x

Do you have plans for New Year?

Happy New Year to you all. I felt a bit emotional last night as the clock his midnight and we were watching BBC. It hit me that we’d had our DD in early 2019 and she felt further away as we went into 2020. I was also remembering last New Years Eve when we thought 2019 was going to be the best year of our lives as we’d get to meet her. And we did. But I couldn’t have known she wouldn’t stay with us.

Thanks for your support over the past few weeks / months. I know 2019 has been hard for many of us but I am hopeful for 2020 x

Happy new year ladies, I hope it was kind💫

@BunnytheBlueWhale I found NY hard too, we spent it with family & friends which was nice but the whole festive season is difficult. My SIL has a baby a few months younger than our DS would be & I found myself getting very overwhelmed with the amount of time we all had to spend together. It was nice at times but also very difficult, I'm looking forward to some time back in our own house taking it easy. I pray that 2020 will be a kinder year for us all, we more than need it🙏🏼

@lunamoon1 That must have been tough. I have enjoyed having a Christmas away from everything. We had the week in Edinburgh and since then a week home alone and that’s been nice. Back to work on Monday but I’m already at the point where I feel like I need to be doing something - saying that, I have things to do but I’m now sitting on the sofa watching TV 😬

Hi ladies,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and Happy New Year

I've been holding off posting here for a little while as I know that everyone is going through a tough time and likewise I went through a whirlwind of emotions. I got a BFP a few weeks ago and since had a booking appointment and an early reassurance scan early next week. I guess I just wanted to tone down the anxiety in my head where for some reason I'm panicking everything is going to go horribly wrong.

I'm keeping positive, somehow and even re-downloaded some of my pregnancy apps. One of them set me back as it restored all my data from when I was pregnant with Mia and she would have been the size of a small pumpkin by now...

Slowly getting excited again and hoping that this time round, everything will be okay.

I'm wishing you all BFPs this New Year. And thank you, on this or other thread, for giving me a space to vent in the past 6 months.

Oh congratulations to you @riceandwhisky (I have NC by the way but am the OP) I wish you all the best in your pregnancy x

@BunnytheBlueWhale I'm so glad you enjoyed Edinburgh, would you go back? It's a lovely place in the summer too if the weather is good (but that's a big if)! It's madness the time between Christmas, New Year and just after. Are you looking forward to going back to work? I've loved having my DH off work with me, a bit worried for how ill feel on Monday going back to being on my own again for longer periods of time, but I coped before so I know I'll cope again. I am the same, trying to get the house in order again but it takes some effort I just don't have!

@riceandwhisky gentle congratulations, what a lovely way to end a very difficult 2019, it's only natural to be filled with emotions and anxiety around this pregnancy. I hope we time goes on those feelings turn into more positive ones and you can enjoy yourself a bit more. Wishing you a very straight forward, uneventful pregnancy which ends in seeing you bring home your baby in 2020⭐️🌈