TTC after pregnancy loss 32 - the penguin huddle

[ReeReeR]

New thread 🐧🐧🐧

I have accidentally created a thread 33 as well but will delete that!

I have three candles burning all for my precious baby girl and but for all of us who have lost babies too 🕯 xxx

I have my candle burning too - thinking of you all today

I couldn't light 8 candles so I chose a pink one for my girls and a blue one for my boys. I said a little prayer for all of us and our little ones.

@VenusStarr hi my rmc appointment was rather underwhelming tbh. We talked over each loss and that sometimes they find nothing wrong. I was told that apart from blood test there wasn't much they could do for me unless I was unfortunate and had another loss they would test the baby. Aside from that they were pretty useless. I hope your rmc is better hun.
@ReeRi thanks hun but even with all that I'm still over weight. I hope your rainbow is with you soon x

Sending lots of love to all our you who participated in or were moved by last night's Wave of Light. I had a good cry on my DH whilst praying that next year brings us happiness and no more candles to add to the two which burned brightly yesterday....

@Mumlili8 sorry that your RMC appointment was disappointing. Have you had the full round of tests yet or are there more to come? x

@Avocuddles I've had everything the NHS offers nothing found. I'm waiting for an appointment with gynaecology for a tests for Asherman's now. The results from rmc appointments was keep trying, if you lose again we will test the products of conception xx

I found yesterday really overwhelming. It was powerful but I felt mentally exhausted when I went to bed. I really grateful that we have this group 💜

@Mumlili8 I'm sorry your rmc appointment was unhelpful. Have you had a hysteroscopy (camera in uterus), I'm scheduled for that in December but that might be what the gynecologist suggests to take a look and possibly remove any scar tissue. Have you looked into private treatment? I've seen a couple of threads mentioning Mr Shehata - I had a quick look at his website, it's expensive and I'm not 100% sure where he's based, but I believe people have had success with his plan.
I hope you're OK today xx

@VenusStarr I too found it very emotional all day. I did nothing but burst into tears all day. As to private not yet waiting for a gynaecology appointment to get the camera done so its all just waiting. Another disappointing AF 2 days of spotting to light and lots of pain. Think I've broken my uterus by having to many mc's and d&cs

Same here ladies. I'm still emotional today. Doesn't help that its cd24 and I'm on edge wondering whether AF will be here soon.

It doesn't help that I have an occupational health assessment in an hour, so anxious about that.

@Treaclepie19 ❤️ when is af due?

@Mumlili8 I'm glad you're getting the hysteroscopy, hopefully it can give some insight into what's going on down there. Hopefully they'll be able to remove any scar tissue too. I'm surprised the rmc didn't arrange it for you and you're having to wait again. I hope you aren't waiting too long. It can feel very lonely at times. We're always here to listen

@VenusStarr well, I think monday but I'm not too sure. My cycles have been up and down since losing our little boy.
The average is 28 days so I'm trying to hold out until monday...

Got my fingers crossed for you 🤞 @Treaclepie19

Thank you ❤

Ahhh girls. I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling emotional. I, strangely perhaps, approached yesterday very calmly and positively, thinking that every baby is a gift and that I'm doing something in honour of my little one which gave me a lot of comfort. Maybe this thought will be comforting to some of you too ❤️

It is so complex what baby loss does to your brain and body, isn't it. An outsider would look at me and probably say I'm doing absolutely fine, but I am fighting a battle in my head fearing that I'll face something triggering again, and that it will send me to this awful place of anxiety, cold sweats and needing to take a break. No matter how it affects you, it's such a huge mental load to deal with. I wish you all (and myself) to find out path to peace after this, I think this will help us and also our future babies xxx

@Mumlili8 I just wanted to say, my heart breaks for you that this is what you've heard at the RMC, I really wish they gave you some proper advice that would give you knowledge and reassurance. Please don't think you've ruined your uterus, you haven't. Your uterus is precious and one day it will be your little healthy baby's happy place until it arrives safely into this world. It's not your doing. It's not fate. It's a huge pot of bad luck, and professionals' inability to give you any answers, it's not your fault. I take it you've done tons of your own research already, is there anything at all that they've prescribed you or advised to take/do differently going forward, considering the circumstances? What about that test when they use this special liquid to check your uterus, I'm sure someone else on here is more educated than me and knows the name? Did they test your partner too? Xxx

@MrsMGE hi hun. No I've not been offered anything like that. All my symptoms point to Asherman's syndrome but I've had to beg for a referral to the hospital for tests for that. I m not sure they will even do anything. I'm not giving up trying but I don't think a baby can grow in there at the mo, but not trying is just too stressful to me.
I feel its my fault because I had so many d&c's. The first two mmc I went for the medical management (huge mistake for me) and them couldn't do it again so I opted for the surgery knowing somehow in my heart it was a huge mistake ( its like I knew what would happen) the last d&c in January was the one that buggered me up I think. The surgeon struggled to get everything out and said it was really stuck in there. I elected to have that surgery and I could have just waited but I was being impatient. Since that surgery my periods haven't come back properly. They have gone from 5-7 days heavy heavy flow to barely 2 days of spotting / extremely light.
I don't think my lining is getting thick enough to conceive. I've just have cp's since, I only make it to 16-17 dpo at most before the tests turning negative again and then bleeding starts. My cycles are extremely regular bang on every month.
Tbh I've lost all hope of ever holding a rainbow baby now x

It's really difficult @Mumlili8 I really hope your gynecologist is proactive and does some appropriate investigations. I think the hysteroscopy is a good start, so they can take a proper look for you. Hopefully the can advise on your concerns about your lining too.
I wish there was a way for all of us to know that we would get our rainbows 🌈 I have hope for you and everyone else on this thread 💜 xx

Oh, @Mumlili8, I'm so sorry to hear this. I had one MMC and tbh everything you said is my thoughts exactly. I had medical management (awful) which has traumatised me and pretty certain it caused my PTSD. I chose it at the time only because the wait for ERPC was 2 weeks and I couldn't bear waiting that long. I thought I'd protect myself from post-ERPC rusks and protect my mental health... little did I know how awful it was going to be and that it would come back to haunt me few months later when I was doing fine. I have now had major regrets that I didn't wait for ERPC. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't look back at things with a benefit of hindsight - you made a decision that was the best one at the time. You are not to be blamed for anything at all. Truthfully, every MC option is a double edge sword and can lead to complications.

I am pretty sure, if it is Ashermans, it won't be the end of the road for you. I remember reading about this and there are treatments out there that might well work for you. I hope you get diagnosed soon and I'm very sorry you're finding yourself in a position where you have to take a big risk again in order to even get somewhere. I very much hope that your next baby will stick, despite the issues ❤️🤞 xxx

@Mumlili8 The procedure I referred to earlier is called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and it's flushing dye through your uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages to detect adhesions. I've read lots about women falling pregnant after this procedure itself, but if it is indeed Ashermans then you may need surgery. You will get there though. The fact you still have your cycles and are able to get pg are both good signs ❤️

@Mumlili8 the other version of the investigation is a HyCoSy which is the one I've been referred for. This also involves flushing through with dye but the examination is via ultrasound rather than X-ray radiation. This leaflet (not from my hospital) explains the procedure....

www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/resources/patient-information/gynaecology/hycosy.pdf

@VenusStarr @MrsMGE @Avocuddles

Thanks ladies wish I was as confident as you xx what will be will be. I will have to start planning life without and then if a miracle happens then bonus x

@Mumlili8 I'm not confident in the slightest unfortunately. One of the most common outcomes of miscarriage investigations is to prescribe blood thinners and / or aspirin but as I was already on both in my unsuccessful pregnancies that's not an option. I don't expect the HyCoSy to identify anything really, but guess it's best to have these tests when offered just to rule things out. I think you're right with what will be will be. With the best will in the world not everything works out for everyone, but I sure as hell hope it does for all of us here xx

(By the way I mean that as I'm not confident about my own prospects, not about anyone else's!)

Hi, hope you’re all ok. Just found out another colleague in my team is pregnant (different office) as well as someone who sits about 3 metres away! I can’t deny I found it difficult to hear. I really feel like everyone around me is pregnant or has just had a baby!

Hi all, i'm still finding my way through the forums and how to use this, but reading over everyone's accounts, I have so much awe at your strength and empathise completely- this is the most heartbreaking journey, it wreaks havoc on my daily functioning and relationship with DH. I still have some hope! This morning found out that I didn't ovulate last month and that my prolactin is high.. obviously googling that wasn't a good idea! Just wondering if anyone had experience in dealing with this? Going back for more bloods tomorrow.. I did feel different in my last 2 cycles, way harder to deal with emotionally and not that usual smell to mark the 'change' so both times I though might be pg but of course wasn't, just not ovulating as it turns out! I'm trying not to crack up about it but it's hard. Actually had another mmc when I was 24 but docs seem to dismiss this - just want some answers - am terrified about moving abroad without our wonderful NHS (as frustrating as it can be) - imagine having no access to this! xx