35+ TTC#1 Thread 7

[PixieN]

It’s time for a new thread for a lovely bunch of ladies supporting each other through our TTC efforts, possible IVF plans, possible alternative life journeys and adventures with or without babies after the age of 35. Think that about sums it up

@BambiOnIce80 @79andnotout @CNizzle @VenusStarr @QuantumGirl @Carley321 @Wannabemum38 @Russkispy @Kescilly @Laney79 @Weathergirl1 @Pinkywoo @birdbybird

I’ve included everyone who has posted on the last four pages of the previous thread. Hope that’s o.k as I know some of you have graduated to another thread, but still like to check in and apologies if i’ve missed anyone.

Lots of luck to everyone at whatever stage we’re at 💕

Hi @BambiOnIce80, I completely agree with you - just because everything appears to be normal doesn't mean we would get pregnant easily. Seems like a dangerous and risky assumption to presume that would be the case. That's really what my partner thinks - if we started trying for a baby tomorrow, we'd have a baby by June 2020. It seems SO unlikely that it would be that easy. Can't really rely on genetics either because my mum got pregnant super easily but my sister had to have IVF after trying for years and she is (marginally) younger than me (another reason why this is top of mind for me). My partner definitely imagines kids and a family life in his future, but he isn't willing to face the reality of it. He wants everything to be absolutely perfect in life before we start trying, so he keeps coming up with reasons to put it off. I figure we're already pretty stable and in a good position emotionally and financially (other than his reluctance). He's from a large dysfunctional family so perhaps that has something to do with it, as he thinks his parents were irresponsible to have so many kids in such a short space of time. His mum ended up being a single mother to 6 kids and he is the eldest so did a lot of looking after his younger siblings. So he's super cautious about it being the "right time", and everything being absolutely perfect. Which maybe would be an ok approach if we were 27 but not when we're 37. I figure nothing is ever perfect and if you wait til it is, it'll be too late. If I do set a deadline for him, it will be short (like the end of this year). I know he won't want to lose me though, so I also worry that if I set a deadline he'll reluctantly agree but won't actually want to. Just feels like a big mess - I thought everything would be simple when I finally found someone I wanted to share my life with and who I thought had the same life goals and priorities as me.

Best of luck with your IVF - I really hope it works out for you. Best to do it asap if you can afford it I think. My sister tried to get pregnant for 4 years then she had IVF when she was 35. She was lucky in that it was successful on the first try. It was a pretty horrible experience for her though. Really hope you have the same luck! And the wine tour sounds like something you absolutely deserve too!

Hi @BambiOnIce80 @79andnotout @Carley321
Had a talk with my DP last night and explained what I want and need and that time is running out. He got really angry and hurt, saying I had betrayed his trust and that I wasn't committed to our relationship. He said I don't want a relationship if he can't give me what I want and that I made him feel like it was over and that I want to go off and do as I please, without him. He said I'm not willing to consider what he wants and that it has to be all my way or nothing. He said I made it clear I'm willing to go elsewhere if he can't give me what I want. He said he's given everything to this relationship but it's clear that's not enough for me. Then he left and I haven't heard from him at all and he won't pick up the phone or reply to texts......so that went well...

HI @catch22forme. Sorry that was so difficult. Good to get your perspective out in the open. He has reacted really immaturely. I would make yourself an appointment at the fertility clinic and start looking into going it alone, if you're sure you want a child. If he comes back round, I think @bambis suggestion of therapy is a good one, and if he refuses, then you know where you stand. Unfortunately there is no bloody compromise in having children, I know we looked for one for ages (and that's how we ended up with our dog) but even when we got the dog I still wanted a child! He needs to understand you ARE running out of time. My boyfriend was under the impression I would be able to have kids into my forties as we are both fit and healthy and look young for our age, and my tests were all fine too. But no, you don't know how things will go until you try.

@BambiOnIce80 - loft conversion plans are going slowly. I need to get a structural engineer in and nothing is happening fast. It's almost like they don't want my money!

@79andnotout thanks so much for your reply - it's been a really rough weekend! Just trying to stay calm and not get upset. I have made an appointment at the fertility clinic. I've told him he's welcome to come with me (the male tests are included in the price anyway, as they obviously assume everyone is in a couple or something). He is looking at this as some sort of betrayal which seems unfair. I don't really have much choice, or the luxury of time. He feels that our different priorities (work, kids etc) should be given equal weight, which would perhaps make sense if we were younger. But I'd be risking never having kids if we prioritise his career over kids right now. I'm sad that he doesn't seem to understand that and has reacted in this way. I suppose it's everyone's choice to decide what's most important to them and what they're not willing to compromise on. He's decided that's his career and I've decided it's having kids. Oh, we'd been thinking about getting a dog too, but we couldn't agree on what kind of dog to get lol.

donor egg collection update: we got 15 mature eggs! 😳😳🤗🤗😌😌😘😘😘
And from tomorrow we will get daily updates as to how they’re developing and on Saturday we will know how many blasts we’ve got! 😱😳😌😌😘😘
Our donor was in the programme before and had 14 mature eggs, and 8 became 5 day blasts. 1 was transferred and worked from the first time and resulted in live pregnancy. We’re hoping for the same/similar outcome! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I'm almost speechless at how your DP has reacted to you trying to discuss/resolve this @catch22forme - I'm so sorry 💐😢 That is one hell of an extreme reaction, but I guess at least you now know that kids are certainly a distant abstract concept for him, rather than something he's serious about here and now (I still say that him keeping putting you off for' in another year' is bloody cruel - sounds like you'd be putting it off for another year forever!). I'm going to take a wild guess that you didn't literally say to him that you "don't want a relationship if he can't give me what I want" and this is him twisting your words to the extreme to make him sound like the victim?! Treating you like you've betrayed him is more than ridiculous! Did he acknowledge at all that he'd been moving the goal posts for "another year" and you'd been seriously aiming to TTC now that that year was up? How can he not appreciate that that kind of behaviour is unreasonable?!

I hope that he calms down and you can have a more reasoned conversation, but if not I think it's actually lucky that you're finding out how he is now. Imagine if you stayed with him for another 5+ years because you want kids together and then he decided it was never the right time?! Makes me feel a bit sick just thinking about it! 😰 When is your appointment at the fertility clinic? Good luck 🍀

Sorry @Russkispy - cross posted there. Exciting times!! Good luck for Saturday 🤞🏻🍀🤞🏻🍀

@Russkispy that's exciting news crossing fingers for you

@catch22forme If his reaction to this is to walk out and sulk then it's good you know now who needs that if you had a baby you need someone who is going to stick around and talk things through.
Me and my DP have been through many ups and downs during our time together which has tested us but has made us stronger and one thing that has always been the case is we talk and work it out even if it's hard sometimes. I also met him when I was 37 and I'm now turning 39 next week and yes I'm older but we both want a family and started TTC recently. Time is an issue for us but what will be will be. Maybe going it alone for you or finding someone else but I feel he is fobbing you off a bit and putting his career before everything. Being a writer is a selfish job and that comes from an ex actor creative people can be very selfish.

So my DP and I had a lovely weekend. I tested my ovulation had my positive on Saturday CD15 a day later than last month. We DTD a couple of times Friday and Saturday and Sunday but we had a drinking session on Sunday to celebrate my new job so I didn't test and I have no idea if I ovulated as we drunkenly DTD when got back from pub and so I couldn't test at usual time or hold in any urine lol 🤦 I will cross my fingers I did and hope for the best!

How are you doing @VenusStarr, hope you're ok x

@Russkispy that's brilliant news, fingers crossed for you!

@catch22forme that's such an over the top reaction from him, my first thought was what a twat! (I may be being a bit harsh!) I know how frustrating it is to have to wait to ttc though, my DH didn't feel ready (he's younger than me and wanted everything to be perfect first) and as @BambiOnIce80 said men just don't feel the urgency. Have you heard anything from him yet?

Hi

Thanks so much for your replies. @79andnotout @BambiOnIce80 @wannabemum38 @Pinkywoo
Sorry for the delayed response - we've been fighting (over text - which is never a good idea) for the past couple of hours so I just saw these messages now.

In summary, he says:
-I'm putting what I want and need over what he wants and needs
-I really hurt him by saying that I would end the relationship and get what I want elsewhere if he didn't meet my needs (again, I never said this but that's what he has gathered from me saying we need to work out if we want the same things)
-he feels betrayed because he's never given anyone as much as he's given me. He says he sacrificed a lot for me and now I'm not willing to give him the time he needs (I went through a really tough time last year and he was an amazing support through that, which is what he's referring to).
-he feels really hurt with me saying we're not compatible and threatening to end the relationship (again, I didn't say we weren't compatible - I questioned whether we want the same things now and in the future)
-I don't care about his dreams and that what he does isn't just a job it's a passion/calling and that it's all he has ever achieved for himself
-He doesn't know how he feels about our relationship anymore
-I'm making choices for him and he has no choice in the matter
-it's not that he doesn't want kids but he's not ready yet (although when pressed, he said he doesn't know when he will be ready)
-why is our relationship not enough for me and why can't I just wait until he is ready
-he's not prepared to sacrifice his life and his dreams to fit into my plan which there seems to be no place for him in anyway

Really quite upset right now as I thought our relationship was stronger than this and I'm pretty shocked at how he has reacted as we have talked about these issues in the past and it hasn't been like this. I guess I was a lot more forceful this time and I kept reiterating what I want and need and what I'm not willing to sacrifice. And I stuck by it despite him saying how much I hurt and betrayed him.

Was a bit of a marathon argument, so I expect he's going to go silent again for a while now. Just trying not to get upset and think about things rationally. Can't really believe this just happened. Sorry that was a bit of a stream of consciousness as I'm pretty stressed out right now!

Oh dear @catch22forme he sounds like a dick! It's all me me me in that. I think you need to be ruthless. I'm sorry it has all planned out like this but he seems to be showing his true colours. I'm usually quite measured and can see things from both sides, but I'm not feeling any sympathy for this man at all!

@Russkispy great news!

@wannabemum38 fingers crossed it's your month.

@79andnotout
Thanks, yeah I'm not feeling much sympathy right now either, and I'm usually pretty empathetic / see others' point of view / put everyone before myself. I suspect he'll take a couple of days to calm down then apologise but I'm really quite concerned about how this panned out. It's also not great if his solution is to walk away / act like this. It's strange because he's usually great at thinking of my feelings, putting my needs before his etc, but you're right this entire conversation was about him and his feelings. He didn't really even try to see my point of view, and instead just kept blaming me for hurting him and ruining things.
Sorry I feel like i've hijacked your genuine TTC thread with my relationship dramas! Thanks for the support :)

Just wow @catch22forme 😧 It really is a never ending torrent of what he wants and needs for himself and you asking him to listen to what you want and need makes you a selfish bee-aitch, doesn't it?!?! Sounds like he very much expects for you to always put what he wants first and if you challenge it then you're going to get this massive man-tantrum from him. What the hell is he on?! 💊 The thing that really grabbed me in your last post is that you mention him being a great support to you during a testing time, and he describes that support (which should be a given in any serious, loving relationship) as a 'sacrifice'. It's not a sacrifice if you love someone. I'm beginning to think you've totally dodged a bullet/twat there (nicely put @Pinkywoo 😘). I'm so sorry you're going through this 😔

Sounds like you've managed some excellent DTD timing this time around @wannabemum38 👌 TWW for you now! 🍀

I think I'm having a bit of a weird cycle ladies 🙄 I thought I was past all this 💩 with IVF being on the horizon, but my body would apparently like to f🤬k with me one last time before we get proceedings underway 😒 The source of my woe is the attached temping graph 🌡️📊 Basically, my temp dropped on CD23, which usually mean AF will rock up any minute/within a day and a half (which in turn would mean another stupid short cycle because AF isn't due until Friday 😥). However, CD25 now/third day of temp drop and no sign of AF 🤷‍♀️ Has anyone had such weirdness before?! I'm pleased she's not here yet (because she shouldn't be!), but I'm driving myself nuts trying to work out why my temps dropped so early and she hasn't arrived like she should do after such a drop! 🤪🤯

P. S. FF has my cover line all wrong - it should be around 36.50-ish°C and I ov'd CD14, not CD12. Hope that makes sense.x

Hi @BambiOnIce80

Yes, he said that a lot of the energy he should have put into his writing this past year, he instead put into supporting me (which is true - he did put my needs before his writing and was a great support). He said that he wasn't blaming me as he wanted to support me, but that he supported me at his own expense. And now he's really behind on his progress because of that. He said he needs time to get back on track and I'm not giving him that. And he said he's gone to the ends of the earth for me and it's not enough for me - hence the betrayal. He said that I behave as if everything we went through together doesn't count for anything and now it's all about what I want. He also said that being dictated to by the person he's given everything to is really hurtful.

I appreciate your perspectives because he keeps saying how badly I've hurt him then I start to second-guess and wonder if I handled this badly...at the moment it seems to me like he's really lashing out. I feel like this is like a teenage relationship drama not a discussion between a 36-year old and 35-year old supposedly committed couple!!

Sorry I can't help with the temp chart - I know nothing (yet) about what these things mean :( My AF is 3-days late right now which is strange as I'm usually like clockwork...although I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant...that really would be the height of irony if I were pregnant.
How do you track these things? Is it an app and you just take your temperature each day and input it? I hope someone can help. Hugs :)

Excellent news @Russkispy. Very exciting 😁 x

@catch22forme oh my goodness a lot has gone on since I last checked in. I’m so sorry to hear about your DP? He sounds like he is being completely unreasonable and selfish! Maybe he needs to do a little research of his own, so he can see with his own 2 dumbass eyes that things are not as simple and as straight forward as getting exactly what you want exactly when you want it.
I’m so sorry your going through this. It really isn’t nice and I can’t imagine how upsetting and confusing it must all be for you. But what you must remember is.. you are not the one that’s being unreasonable and if you truly want a baby of your own, don’t let anyone doubt that. He could lead you all the way to 50 with the same story, it sounds like he doesn’t even know what he wants. Time goes to quick to hang around for anyone that could treat you that way 💜 x

That does sound like a weird cycle @BambiOnIce80 our bodies are just a big confusing and frustrating mess aren’t they 😡. Although... is there any chance you could be...?

Thanks @Carley321 - yeah I think he lives in an alternate universe where everything works out exactly how we want it to and when we want it to. I'm just not that optimistic and I've been worried about my fertility for years (...probably since I was 28/29... close to turning 30 and everyone around you makes you paranoid about it... I guess the same does not happen to men, they often don't even seem to think about it). He's behaving like I did something absolutely terrible to him and betrayed his trust in the most heinous manner.
Anyway, I don't expect any further updates tonight as he's gone silent again and doesn't appear to be coming home tonight (we live together 99% of the time but he moved into my house and still has his own place he goes to occasionally). Having a deliveroo and watching some telly. It really frustrates me not being able to discuss this properly. It's amazing how different perspectives two people can have. I feel like we've been waiting and waiting and every time we talk about this it's more putting it off and waiting. Then he said this afternoon he feels like I'm really rushing him on this and he doesn't have the bandwidth to even discuss this. Which suggests we're just poles apart in terms of what we want, which was my original point I made to him.
Anyway, hope you all have a good evening and thanks for listening to my dramas!!

Oh, if only @Carley321! 😘 That'd save us a good £5,000 if that were the case! 💸😄 Unfortunately, the temp drop is supposed to signal that progesterone has stopped being released by our corpus leuteum (an eggy-follicle thing) because nothing's implanted in the womb lining (my temp should stay high if I was upduffed, in a nutshell). Not sure why my womb lining is still hanging on in there though if progesterone is on it's way out 🤷‍♀️ I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings...

@catch22forme

He could lead you all the way to 50 with the same story, it sounds like he doesn’t even know what he wants

Exactly what @Carley321 said. I still can't understand why he thinks you're being unreasonable to be having this conversation now that you're a year along from saying "let's wait a year" 😕 Will he even acknowledge that he's the one moving the goal posts, not you? Yes, it's certainly very admirable of him to have put his work on the back burner and supported you, but that doesn't give him carte blanche to make all the life choices for the 2 of you because he's done a decent thing (as he bloody well should do if he loves you!). And yes, you could absolutely get pregnant the first time you try (and 🤞🏻 you do), but it can also be a very different story, as a lot of us can testify to - he's not taking that on board at all either. I honestly don't think that unless anyone's OH is professor Robert Winston, then they get the reality of the slog that TTC can be.

I'd get a glass of 🍷to go with your deliveroo and hit trash TV really, really hard - the first series of the Australian version of '7 year switch' on 4OD would be my recommendation for tonight's head space viewing. Enjoy.x

Thanks @BambiOnIce80
No he hasn't acknowledged he moved the goal posts. And he still hasn't said specifically what he wants despite me asking loads of times. I don't think he knows to be honest, and he doesn't want to even think about it right now - he is overwhelmed with the whole discussion. He actually said just after Christmas that we should start trying then, saying that he didn't want us to be old parents and that he didn't want to wait any longer. But then in February he started putting it off again. I feel like he's treating me like I've cheated on him. I said this afternoon that having children is so important to me so I need to think about whether I want to have a child on my own if he doesn't want to have children with me in the near future - that seems to have totally pushed him over the edge. He's not communicating with me again now but I'm just going to leave it as I feel like I've said everything I need to say, so will just wait for him to do whatever it is he's going to do or not do. Have cracked open some wine at your kind suggestion ;)

Oh dear it’s all a minefield in its own way... this ttc business. We all go through our own tricky journeys don’t we. But with the support of people who understand we will get through it together 💜.

Any news today @catch22forme ?

How’s the weird cycle going @BambiOnIce80 ?

Thanks for asking @Carley321
Nothing today - haven't heard from him at all. Not sure when he is going to emerge but I'll let you know when he does!
Had a little breakdown last night - feeling very upset and angry. I already said to him yesterday it's not helpful to disappear and go silent as we need to talk about this, but he's done it again. Yesterday when he got in touch he said it was 'self-preservation' and he needed to deal with the hurt on his own first before talking to me. Just trying to get on with things today, not sure what else I can do.
Fertility clinic can't give me an appointment til November so I've ordered some home AMH and hormone tests on the internet. Not sure if they're a waste of money or not but I feel like I need to be doing something.
Hugs to everyone

I absolutely get that sense of being needing to be doing something @catch22forme - that's my way of trying to take back control in a situation that we have very little to no control over 😏 I'm sorry you felt awful last night, but I also think it's essential that you don't bottle it all up. Definitely better out than in. And I'm sorry he hasn't been in touch with you today - it sounds like he really doesn't seem to know how to have a grown up difference of opinion. You mentioned he's a writer - does he usual have a flair for the melodramatic in what he does?! No excuse to stamp all over your feelings though. On the home tests front, I'm not a lover but I work in a lab so I have a particular scientific focus on the subject! 💉 🤓 I'd just advise that if anything comes back abnormal then have it checked out with your clinic/GP before you start freaking out 😉

Never a truer word said about this TTC business being a minefield @Carley321 ❤️ I'm on day 4 of the temp drop now 🤷‍♀️ I'm just hoping that as a maximum AF turns up on Friday/CD28 like it's supposed to, otherwise there's the potential that it'll bugger up my starting down-regging in November (could end up clashing with being abroad) and then we'd have to push IVF back to January... and my fragile psyche can't cope with any further delays!! 🤪🤯

How's things at your end, lovely? Any word about an appointment to review your HSG results yet? You never mentioned how you found the procedure - I hope it didn't hurt you too much.x

@BambiOnIce80, I hope your cycle stabilises soon and that you don't have to push your IVF back. Sending lots of good thoughts your way and hoping AF arrives on schedule. What an awful process!! :(

Yes, my DP tends to be quite intense and deep with his feelings, which has it's positives sometimes but also has it's major downsides as he's super introspective a lot of the time which isn't great for communication.

Thanks for your opinion on the home tests. I was sortof thinking of it as a first opinion before I get a second opinion at the clinic. I actually just looked up my old results from 3 years ago and i can't really make sense of them. The numbers seem a bit weird (based on my completely uninformed google search), e.g. my FSH was 1.0 on the first test and 2.4 on the second test. Isn't that number abnormally low? (I know low is supposedly good but this seems weirdly low?)
They were 20-day tests, and the other numbers were:
luteinising: 8.0 mIU/ml, prolactin 169 mU/L, progesterone 9.0, oestradiol 463 pmol/L. Does this mean anything to anyone? The doctor didn't really explain at the time, she just said my progesterone was low but that it was probably caused by stress. I don't think I got an AMH test. I did get an ultrasound and they said that was all ok. I guess the results will probably be completely different now 3 years on anyway.

What units were your FSH results in @catch22forme? That's key when you're using Dr Google to check out your results - you need to make sure your comparing apples with apples, if you see what I mean? Same goes for your progesterone - do you have the units? Also, how long are your cycles? They should do the progesterone 7 days before AF is due (and they tend to use the arbitrary suggestion of CD21) and the logic for that is that we should have ovulated by then and the corpus leuteum will be kicking out a load of progesterone to indicate that. The reference range where I am is >30 indicates ovulation has occurred, but that could be different to the lab that you had your bloods done at. There should be a reference range in brackets beside your results to help with interpretation 👍

... Sorry if I've gone on and on in a non-helpful way 😬 My inner science geek gets very carried away when we get talking results! 🤓

Thanks @BambiOnIce80 - I really appreciate any information!!! Thank you!
The units are as follows:
FSH range: Follicular 3.0-8.1, Mid-cycle 2.6-16.7, Luteal 1.4-5.5, Post-menopausal 25-130. My result was 1.0 on 1st test and 2.4 on 2nd test.
LH range: Follicular 2.4-10.0, Mid-cycle 9.0-74, Luteal 0.9-9.3, Post-menopausal 10-65. My result was 0.5 on 1st test and 8.0 on 2nd test.
Prolactin doesn't have a range
Progesterone range: Follicular 0.3-5.0 Luteal >30, Post Menopausal 0.3-0.6. My result was 5.0 on 1st test and 9.0 on 2nd test.
Oestradiol range: Follicular 100-500, Mid-cycle 400-1400, Luteal 400-1200, Post-menopausal

I finally cracked and messaged my DP and poured my heart out. Feel like I said everything I needed to say. He replied. It was a calmer response than before (which felt very defensive). He said a lot of nice things.

But he also said the following:
-he doesn't feel in control of his life anymore and he feels like his dreams are slipping through his fingers
-that what we went through last year really took its toll on both of us but that he doesn't have anymore to give
-he does want to have children but he doesn't have the bandwith to have a child to my timeline as he's not the partner or parent he wants to be yet
-he has single person things he must do first and he'll never forgive himself if he doesn't follow through with them
-he feels like our lives will be over once we have a child

So I feel that things are pretty much over- when your partner says they have single person things they need to do? So that's 2 years down the drain. I haven't replied yet because he sent this at 1.30am and I don't even know if I'm going to reply (I also can't believe we're having this conversation over text message).

I don't know what to do now - feel totally distraught. Feel like my options are really limited as I'm about to become a newly single almost 37 year old. I don't know if I give myself some time to meet someone else (which I also don't feel remotely ready to do right now, as I thought this was the real thing), but even if you work through that timeline in an ideal world it would also be leaving things so late. Or if I freeze my eggs. Or if I try to have a baby on my own. Just feels like everything is completely and utterly fucked. I haven't told anyone yet, feeling very alone and like everything is a total mess.