35+ TTC#1 Thread 7

[PixieN]

It’s time for a new thread for a lovely bunch of ladies supporting each other through our TTC efforts, possible IVF plans, possible alternative life journeys and adventures with or without babies after the age of 35. Think that about sums it up

@BambiOnIce80 @79andnotout @CNizzle @VenusStarr @QuantumGirl @Carley321 @Wannabemum38 @Russkispy @Kescilly @Laney79 @Weathergirl1 @Pinkywoo @birdbybird

I’ve included everyone who has posted on the last four pages of the previous thread. Hope that’s o.k as I know some of you have graduated to another thread, but still like to check in and apologies if i’ve missed anyone.

Lots of luck to everyone at whatever stage we’re at 💕

Thanks for asking @BambiOnIce80 it was a little uncomfortable but no where near as bad as I was expecting. I’ve heard some horror stories.
Oh no I hope af turns up as she should, I can’t imagine how having to wait even
Longer would make you feel.... stir crazy I imagine. I’m going out of my mind waiting for a consultation let alone anything else! Which no haven’t had an appointment for yet... I rang yesterday and the report hadn’t even been writtten to send over to my private clinic. So I’ll ring again today. I am a little annoyed as I wasn’t expecting to have to chase things up after paying privately. 😕

I also have a feeling he antibiotics may mess with my cycle which is gutting as I had 4 months under 35 days.

@catch22forme I’m so sorry you are going through this. It just sounds like a nightmare for you. But stay strong because anyone that says they have ‘single person’ things to do.. was not intending to have children anytime soon. You have totally done the right thing for you with this ultimatum and thank god you did if this is the way he thinks. Just stick to it and stay strong to yourself. You ever know what miracles are coming your way 💜 xxx

Never*

This is heartbreaking to read @catch22forme 💔💐Your situation has changed drastically and you need some time to process and heal. When I got divorced I ended up going to see a counsellor for the first time (started as couples counselling, but when it became obvious that we were f🤬ked I stayed for myself). It helped massively and I think I healed at least 3 times faster than I would have if I'd gone through the break up alone. I agree with @Carley321 - anyone who's wanting to do 'single person things' and thinks becoming a parent will 'end his life' has seriously lied to you misrepresented himself, especially as he was suggesting you start TTC last Christmas!! 🤯 If it wasn't for him being a writer, I'd think you were with one of my friends ex's. They decided to stop using contraception at Christmas, DTD and then the next morning he frog marched her to the chemist's to get the morning after pill... needless to say, they aren't together anymore 🙄 As far as your results go from 3 years ago, I'd personally discount them if you were less than 3 months off the pill and your cycles weren't at their normal length as they are now. I'd start again, like you're doing. That said - have you been off contraception long or are you still on it? Try and make sure you're at least 6 months off the pill/mirena if you're getting your bloods done. And be kind to yourself - you must be in shock 😔xx

I'm glad the HSG wasn't so bad @Carley321 😊 You're the second person I know who didn't think it was so bad (the first one being me! 😄). That is bloody annoying about your results not being available yet - they really should provide a high quality service when you're paying for it! 😡 I'd harass them to within an inch of their lives until they got it done just to make me go away 😬 Off on a slight tangent - do I remember you saying you're trying the Mediterranean diet? If so, how are you finding it? It keeps cropping up, so I suggested to DP that he draft up a menu plan to give it a go... It comprised of roast pork belly with roast potatoes, mac cheese, beef, cheese, more cheese, quite a lot of salami 😕 I said that's not what the Mediterranean diet is supposed to consist of, he said he should bloody know because he was eating it for the first 29 years of his life - touché, in all fairness 🙄 So. We've agreed to rename the Mediterranean diet the mother f🤬king IVF preparation diet to avoid any further confusion over what kind of food stuffs are acceptable! 😁

Ha @BambiOnIce80 that's hilarious! Your partner really doesn't like his diets. I think all those things are fine on the med diet if they are supplemented with about 95% fruit and veg  but sounds like that's not what he's thinking!

Glad you guys had painless HSGs you lucky things. Mine was awful!

@catch22forme yeah so my partner said all those things too EXCEPT the single person stuff. That really doesn't sound good at all. Mine at least wanted to travel and progress his career and life etc with me in it. I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like he sees a future for you both. I also agree with Bambis suggestion of therapy. If you find a good one it really, really helps.

Hello,

Can I join in?

I’m new here... looking to chat to people who are in a similar situation as I’ve kept quite private... all my friends busy with their young broods!!!

I’m pushing 36, TTC 18 months, initial bloods and sa are normal, on a long wait for a laparoscopy to see what’s happening in there. Has anyone had an Endometriosis diagnosis with no symptoms? Dr thinks that's a possibility!

Any positive stories for me or tips on how to stay sane? The lack of control is slowly getting the better of me!

Oh, never a truer word said @79andnotout about my DP and his dislike of diets 🙄 He's carb loading at the same rate as when he was a policeman and playing basketball 6 times a week, except he now has a desk job and doesn't do sports anymore 😞 He said his colleagues used to call him "the turtle" because he had an 8 pack (like the underneath of a turtle 🐢), but the turtle has now sadly flipped! 😕 I think I'm just going to have to go in all guns blazing with the veggies/fish and drag him along with me 😏

Welcome @Annabe11 👋 Talking about what we're going through on here is what's keeping me sane, I have to say! The lack of control is completely maddening! 🤪 DP and I have primary unexplained infertility (so they can't find anything wrong with us, basically) and that makes me really sad because they can't identify anything wrong to fix it 😔 IVF next for us and just got to hope that it'll bypass whatever is wrong with us... watch this space 😉

@catch22forme anyone who says he has single things to do has no intention of settling down anytime soon let alone have a child. Sounds like him and his career are first then anything else is a second place. The fact he still had a place to escape too sounds alarm bells too.
It's obviously an incredible shock to you right now but take yourself away from the situation go and stay with friends and family and really think about you cos you are the most important person right now time to be selfish.

So with all my non stop harassing (over 2 days) lol. I have an appointment tonight 5pm (cancellation) not with the doctor I’d have liked but I’m past that now. My mind is working overtime.
Although just by talking to the nurse I’m kind of told that ivf is the next step. I hope the doctor has something more reassuring.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

We say Mediterranean but what we really mean is Pinterest recipes about 4 times a week and we are only on week 3 🙈.
The consultant that recommended it suggested ....
Lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. Olive oil as dressing over salads and veg. Oily high in good fat fish. Limit red meat to maybe 1 a week. Whole grain rice, pasta and bread and Small portions of Cheese and dairy. Or somewhere along those lines.

Well I hope you can stay in touch when you get on the ivf bus, because it looks like that’s where I’m heading too. How long have you had to wait privately?

Hi @Annabe11 that’s a long road. I’ve had 12 cycles since stopping bc but came off bc 18 months ago. I was also questioned endo but that was because of pelvic pain I was having. I haven’t had a laproscopy yet but had an hsg which has shown a blocked tube. But all of our issues are so different who really knows what’s going on in our bodies.
Do you have regular af?

This place keeps me sane. Along with days out where you get to see people from all walks of life passing through the business. And not staying in the house obsessing over things out of my control.

Thanks for the welcome ladies! Feels nice to be surrounded by people in similar boats!

Have had a quick scan of loads of these posts, good luck to all of you.

@Carley321 regular periods since I started apart from the odd one or two which I put down to stress! It's a vicious cycle this TTC business! I get back and stomach pain a few days before AF but always thought that was pretty normal. But I have a feeling I could be in the same boat as @BambiOnIce80 if they don't find anything I think they'll suggest IVF due to my age. Just wish I didn't have to wait so long for appointments!!! You literally start to go mad don't you! Never thought I'd be one of these people!!!

Oooh, see @Carley321 - being a pain in their arse gets you places!! 😁 Very excited to hear how you get on tonight 🤩 Please update us when you get time to digest the plan.xx

Oh, and thank you for the clarification on the 'Mediterranean diet' 😘 That backs up what I read, except what I read said to eat 'good carbs' and I thought "WTF are good carbs?!" 😕 Brown rice and pasta makes sense 👍 It's also a relief because about 95% of our diet consists of rice and pasta and I don't think I could go cold turkey! 😰

Well done Carley321, I'd have waited an extra year for my cystectomy if I hadn't been a complete nuisance!

@BambiOnIce80 I always think the same when I see anything about the Mediterranean diet, when we're in Sicily it seems to consist of white pasta, cheese, fried aubergine, pasta, fried fish, white bread, pasta, fatty meats, and pastries with sweet ricotta and Nutella for breakfast!

Exactly @Pinkywoo!! It's a total bloody fallacy!! 😂 How're things with you? You must be on mat leave now?x

Thanks @Carley321 @BambiOnIce80 @79andnotout @wannabemum38
Yeah I'm just feeling really shit. Sorry for the late reply - struggling to do anything right now to be honest or to think clearly. Took a day off today and stayed in bed til 4pm. He says he didn't mean "single person" as in single from me, he meant us together but single as in without children (which isn't single but never mind). Need to talk it through properly when (if?) I see him in person but think you're right I need to focus on myself for now. I'll definitely consider the counselling thanks @BambiOnIce. Think you're right that my old tests aren't reliable. I've sent off an AMH home test today - literally took me almost 2 hours to get enough blood out of my fingers to send it off, so that was fun lol. Should get the results in 2-5 days. Going to do the main hormone test later in the week on day 3 of my cycle then will order a progesterone one for later in the month. Will give me some data anyway til I go for the fertility clinic appt. But even with all of that done, you still don't really know do you, so I won't necessarily be in any better of a position. I like to gather info though, so I can at least be a bit more informed. I've been off the pill for 3 years now (...wishful thinking) so that won't interfere with the tests at all like last time. I guess it was silly to get them done last time so close to coming off bc. Really horrified at your friend being frogmarched to get the morning after pill - that's absolutely awful @BambiOnIce80. We don't actually use contraception which is also a strange approach for someone who thinks kids will ruin his life. Not really feeling with it today so sorry if none of this makes sense. Hope you're all having a better day than me xx

Hope your appointment with the doctor went ok @Carley321 - hope you got some more clarity and reassurance xx

@Annabe11 it is a stressful road isn’t it. The endless waiting is torture. But just keep positive and you never know maybe you won’t need all these tests after all 🤞. Says me.... negative nance herself 🤣.

Sorry your having a dreadful time of it @catch22forme it sounds like your really going through it at the moment. So if you don’t use bc... have you ever had any ‘scares’ just wondering how do would have coped with it? Well I really hope this time he is taking to be alone (torture you) will help him understand what he really wants and has the decency to support you in your decisions whatever happens.

Thanks @BambiOnIce80 😊.

Well my appointment -

Had a full 30 minutes with the specialist at my private unit. She was so so lovely that I just wish I could talk to her about this all the time. She reassured me that this doesn’t mean the end of the road and In fact doesn’t even half our chances (but obviously still lowers them) the situation isn’t ideal but there’s hope 🙏. She also said that it’s likely to be blocked but without a laparoscopy there’s no way to tell for sure - the tube may have kind of rejected the dye because I may have been ovulating from my other ovary (this is obviously very unlikely though) the blockage is also in an unusual place so that’s been questioned too.
As for moving forward... she’s referred me for a laparoscopy though the nhs and put on my notes that my pelvic pain is actually causing me a little more trouble than it actually is so I can maybe be fast tracked. After that if the tube is blocked then I can get a referral for ivf and during the wait for nhs ivf (if we can fund it) I can actually still have a go privately. So pay for one round while we wait... if no luck that would pass a bit of time to get the nhs ivf started. So yes not great news but there’s some positive answers.

I’m feeling much more positive and have a little more hope. But I’m not silly either and still keeping that barrier of hope somewhere in the middle.

@Carley321 that sounds like better news than you were expecting - I'm so glad you got some reassurance. At least you know more information now about where things stand and the processes. Hope you don't have to wait too long for the laparoscopy. Your plan re: the IVF private & nhs sounds like a good one too. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

As to your question - we did have a 'scare' once - I actually totally forgot about this until you asked!! It was a few months after we first got together. I was a bit freaked out about it - as I thought we hadn't been together that long and I just wasn't expecting it. He was the one who reassured me everything would be ok, we'd be good parents if I was pregnant and he was hurt that I was freaked out as he thought I didn't think he'd be a good dad and I didn't like him enough to have a baby with! So I guess he really is changing his mind a lot - maybe he liked me more back then!! That was before all the (unrelated) stress we've had this past year or so, so I think that has really taken its toll on him as well. Don't really know what to think right now as he seems to have a completely different attitude each time we talk about this. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants at all / is conflicted. Which isn't helpful.

@Carley321 this sounds really positive! I thought if you took yourself for private IVF you automatically remove yourself out of the NHS process so you have to choose one route or the other? Really pleased to see that potentially isn't the case!! Hopefully you'll get a laparoscopy soon! Still waiting for my appointment!

@catch22forme sorry to read about your partner, I know I'm a total stranger, but having gone through two pretty catastrophic breakups in the past 5 years I genuinely believe these things happen for a reason. so as hard as it is now, it'll work out better. My ex would go silent with me on arguments and the counselor I saw told me that's the lowest form of respect, it's actually emotional abuse. So to be honest, I'm sure you deserve more. Spoil yourself for a while, let yourself grieve it and then you'll be back stronger in no time. Xxxxx

Hi @Annabe11 - thank you. Yeah, the silence really was the worst part - it drives you crazy! It's like torture so it does feel like emotional abuse. I can't tell if it's some sort of control thing (as all the articles say online that it is) or if (giving him the benefit of the doubt) that it's because he's very introverted so always takes/needs a lot of time to think about his feelings before expressing them. Anyway, I appreciate your kind words. Just feeling a bit like everything is messed up right now but I'm sure I'll survive.
Good luck with your laparoscopy. Hope you don't have to wait too long. My sister had an endometriosis diagnosis with no symptoms. She never had a painful period in her life. That's just one tiny data point though - don't know how common that is. My mum had endo as well but always had really painful periods. I always assumed I had it too because I'm in SO much pain every month but apparently I don't (or didn't, when I had tests 3 years ago but who knows now). My sister tried for a few years with no luck - she got pregnant with IVF on the first go though and had no problems in her pregnancy at all. All the uncertainty is horrible isn't it. Waiting and wondering. Hugs xx

@catch22forme oh dear he really is a mind boggle isn’t he lol. Maybe a few days away will help him come to his senses. Hope you are holding up 💜.

@Annabe11 yea it was positive (for bad news). We just have to try and stay strong and not get to down and out about it. Yes she said that we will still get our free nhs tries as well as going private. I didn’t realise either.

I just wish I had a way to manage my emotions and anxiety because I feel like that is against us too. I’ve been pretty bad with it lately too.

That sounds very much like a plan coming together @Carley321 ❤️ Like @Annabe11 said though, I'd do a quick fact check with your NHS IVF clinic too about what your entitlement for NHS IVF would be if you went ahead and had a private cycle whilst you're waiting. I'm entitled to an NHS cycle, but the waiting list is massive and I wouldn't get it for at least another year so that's why we're self funding. But because we're self funding, we lose the entitlement to our shot on the NHS. It was the same rule when I lived in Yorkshire too. There was no waiting list down there though (well, 6 years ago), so you might not have to wait in your area and just go NHS from the start (and not haemorrhage cash like me! 💸) 🤞🏻

I'm glad that your OH clarified that he saw you in his future @catch22forme, but how is that making you feel if he's not willing to start trying for a family? Would he at least be willing to go to the clinic with you on a 'fact finding mission'? Maybe the question he needs to ask himself is "if it was a case of having kids now or never, what would he choose?". If he can happily live with never, how does that make you feel? I'm OK with it never happening, but that's because I know I'm at least giving it my best try at happening (thus the potential IVF). I really do hope he can try harder to see things from your point of view.x

@BambiOnIce80 I thought the same. But I repeated my questions with the lovely doctor and she was certain that I am still
Entitled to use my nhs go too. The waiting list is around a year sometimes less. She didn’t even say to go private really but when I found out how long the wait was I asked more questions. If we went private there’s no wait. I would check with nhs but she certainly said that it is our rights.

@BambiOnIce80 @Carley321 yeah he’s a strange one. We’ve had the “now or never” discussion. He’s 100% sure he’s not happy with never but that doesn’t translate into him being ok with now, he doesn’t see it as that black and white option as he thinks we have more time. We had a long conversation since my last post. I think he’s having some sort of breakdown (which I can empathise with). All his fears came out but he does seem all over the place. He’s really struggling so just can’t seem to deal with it right now, or even deal with day to day relationship stuff. So at least I know how he’s feeling now, but it doesn’t help the situation. I suggested he/we go to counselling. He kept saying how sorry he was for letting me down and that he didn’t mean to abandon me, that he just couldn’t cope. I honestly don’t know what to do now.

@catch22forme this is alllllll too familiar, I really feel for you. It's horrid when someone just turns around and says actually, I don't want any of the things I've said I want! Leaves you feeling really confused. Hard as it is, sounds like he needs a bit of time on his own. Crappy for you, but better than resentment further down the line. No nagger age or situation, being single can be SO empowering. Took me a long time to realise that, but it really is!

@Carley321 such a cliche but running and yoga work for me for dealing with anxiety and stress. I used to hate running, but joined a running club and it's literally worked wonders!

Hang in there everyone!

• no matter! Not nagger 😂