TTC after pregnancy loss - tread 28 - Bfp will be coming

[Lilimum6]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Welcome to any new ladies and sorry for your loss.

Let's have a roll call ladies

@RedRobin7 what a beautiful candle!
@Lilimum6 I'm sorry about your day today. It's simply shit
AFM, Just had my second scan and there are 4 additional follicles on the left, to make the total of 14 altogether. Quite chuffed with myself as in December we only had 7. I know it's not about quantity but quality, but just want a backup of at least 1 to freeze. The more the better really! Endometrium has thickened up nicely too. Last scan on Monday. In the meantime remaining calm and collected

Oh @Lilimum6 that is heartbreaking and I would be a wreck! I would have a good cry, wallow for a bit, just do whatever you need, and then put it somewhere safe out of the way. You don't have to decide anything yet xxx

I'm sorry to hear of your experiences @RedRobin7. Your candle made me cry, so beautiful but heartbreaking for you - if only love was enough for all of us and our babies

I will definitely look into counselling, I feel I have no one who understands right now. I know all my friends will be having their second babies soon and right now I would rather loose touch with them all than be jealous and sad... I know that's not healthy for me or my DD, I don't want to cut what could be friendships she has had since birth. I need some one or help me let it all out but also to cope for the future, whatever it holds for me. I'm so frightened of what lays ahead, I set up another thread in the loss section and people kept talking about secondary infertility and giving up. I know right now statistics, time and sheer fucking luck don't seem to be on my side, but it upset me even more because I'm just not ready to give up.

I'm sorry everyone is having a rough time of it today. @lilimum6 that's a real slap in the face, I really feel for you. I have babygro's in the boot of my car still following MC in Jan, can't quite face bringing them in. Perhaps but the box somewhere in the house where you won't be faced with it but you know it's there for the future.

@redrobin7 im sorry you are having a tough time. Your candles are a beautiful idea.

So my of tests have got darker all week since Sunday. Today I took a clear blue digital no of weeks test and it's a positive 2-3 weeks. Spoke to doc and agreed this has to be a new pregnancy. So looks like I'm back on the pregnancy roller coaster once more!

@Lozboz22 congratulations hun x

As for me my DH has cheered me up by taking me for a discusting maccys (it was lovely but so bad for me) and bought me a year's entrance to my favourite museum (blists Hill in telford) so I can go there as many times as I like. I'm a sucker for all things victorian. So he's taking me there tomorrow.

Another baby bomb tonight. My closest friend from one of the baby groups I went to with DD. Was just pouring my heart out to her and she told me she is due with number 2 in 9 weeks. The only saving grace is she now lives abroad. Swiftly hung up and have opened some wine which will do my useless body no favours. That's another friendship done because I can't handle it 💔

@Boboelephant @Lozboz22 and @ale2992 massive congratulations! Hoping you have a very uneventful 9 months.

@RedRobin7 what a lovely candle, it made me cry a little. Glad you got through your due date.

@Dimblebimble so sorry to see you back here and sorry to hear work aren’t being supportive.

Sorry to hear so many of you are having such a tough time at the moment x

So I’ve not been around much as I’ve been totally stressed leading up to my scan as I’ve had a total loss of symptoms and was ready to hear yet again that I’d lost another one but I had the scan yesterday and to my utter gobsmacked surprise there’s currently a baby in there with a heartbeat. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean much as I saw a heartbeat in mc 1&2 but for the first time since my ds it’s measuring right (slightly ahead in fact- 7w 2d at 6w 6d) in my mcs I measured 1&2 weeks earlier than I was. So although it won’t last long, I’m trying to hold onto the positives for a little while.
Hope this post isn’t insensitive to those of you having a tough time x

That's wonderful news @rdm10 -so pleased for you. Are you doing anything different this time?

Congrats @Lozboz22

@Lilimum6 enjoy Blists Hill-good way to distract you -hubby sounds like a star.

Cd13 for me and fourth day of flashing smiley-hoping I get static tomorrow. So far have managed every other day DTD this week so I'm hoping ovulation hurries up before our stamina gives out!!

Well I am back to being full of rage again today after shamefully drinking too much and crying for most of last night. Today I am ANGRY. Angry at my crap body for failing me twice, angry I'm being left behind and angry at my friend for only telling me she is pregnant after I cried at her about the ectopic. She knew I had a miscarriage last summer and the last time I saw her was around October time before she moved abroad. So she knew she was pregnant when she saw me and I was moaning about my miscarriage and she has known all this time. I know there would have never been a good time to tell me, but my irrational anger is still fucked off with her. And bitter and jealous for the lovely age gap she will have and the family I will probably never have.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I took your advice and told a lady from central hr about the miscarriage. She's not someone I have ever or will ever meet in person so I felt more able to talk about it. She said she hadn't realised from my initial email that it was something that serious. She's spoken to my line manager and asked him to put a plan in place so that if something happens unexpectedly I can call one person and they will cancel my classes and any other important meetings for me. So I feel more comfortable about that, and she's promised not to tell anyone else the details.

Still feeling pretty down about the whole thing. I've always been pretty unlucky and feel like I've always had to work really hard for what I want in life whereas other people seem to glide through life with minimal effort. So this just feels like another instance of that, but one where hard work won't necessarily pay off in the end.

I'm getting really frustrated that I'm still having nausea 🤢 seems like a kick in the teeth to still have symptoms post miscarriage diagnosis. No sign of the miscarriage actually starting yet. Keeping my fingers crossed that surgical management will be an option.

Thank you again ladies, you really are all amazing. Despite what you're all going through too you also are so supportive. Had another box of CB OPKs delivered this morning. I'm off out now on my way to meet a friend for afternoon tea - should help cheer me up.

@Lilimum6 sending you lots of hugs. Hopefully you've popped the box somewhere out of sight until you feel stronger to deal with it.

@RedRobin7 what a beautiful candle. So sorry you're dealing with another due date. It is heartbreaking x

@DimbleBimble I'm glad you spoke to someone and some support will be put in place for you.

@MyHeartIsBrokenButIHaveSomeGlue it's perfectly normal and natural to feel like this. Don't be hard on yourself. I think I would have some pretty strong emotions too.

@Laney79 fx for this cycle for you.

@rdm10 that's fantastic news!

@Lozboz22 lovely news and fx this one sticks!

@boboelephant how are you ? Hope all still going well.

@Russkispy how are you?

Hi ladies

Thank you to those of you thinking of me or asking after me

We are getting by. Funeral is going to be on 13 March so I’m keeping myself busy with preparations for that like choosing my little girl her final outfit, writing her a letter, yesterday I bought a toy for her...

Sorry I know this is a TTC thread and that is very much on my mind but I plan to wait a few months if I can and I’m not even sure I’m ready to dtd yet!!

I also have the fear that I may never have another child. I’m 35 tomorrow which doesn’t help. I know 35 isn’t that old so don’t mean to offend but I don’t feel I have years to recover from what has just happened before even TTC and my birthday is another reminder that my baby isn’t here as she would have been home with us by now. I was thinking I wouldn’t do much for my birthday this year as I’d have a young baby (my due date was 10 Feb). But actually we’re not doing much now because we’re grieving and don’t feel like celebrating. DH has suggested we do something like go for a meal, which I said would be ok just the two of us, but I told him I’m not fussed for a birthday card or gifts.

Ruby will always be my little girl she will always be my missing piece but I never got to bring her home and I think it’s natural I want that too...

I’m sorry to all of you going through a rough time too xxx

@AliceRR sending you hugs and wishing we could be of some comfort to you. Even though your not technically ttc at the moment your more than welcome. We understand the age thing round here. I'm 37 so completely understand your urgency to not wait too long before trying again. We are all here for you if you feel like a chat or just want to rant.

@moonpeace sorry you are feeling rubbish right now xx
@InDreamland hope your afternoon cheered you up x
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue sorry your having a hard time hun, please be kind to yourself.
@frillyfarmer how are you getting on hun?

Hi, can I join the huddle?
My second daughter was stillborn in January at 32 weeks a few days after my firsts daughters second birthday.

My cycle has returned and me and DH have made the decision that we are not going to prevent another pregnancy but also not worrying about making sure we try on the most fertile days either and see what happens.

@RedRobin7 thanks hun hubby put it away for me as I couldn't handle it xx
@russkispy that's fantastic news hun I hope you end up with a few good frosties and a beautiful rainbow baby this time around.
@RedRobin7 your candle is beautiful x
@Boboelephant @Lozboz22 and @ale2992 congratulations and I hope you have h&h 9 months x
@rdm10 that's fantastic news hun so happy for you xx
@Laney79 fingers crossed 🤞 for that positive opk soon hun x
@DimbleBimble I'm glad your now getting better support and should the worst happen you know your covered at work, it won't make what your going though any better but at least it is one less thing to worry about x
I'm sorry if I missed anyone. Healing thoughts and baby dust to everyone xx

Thanks @Lillimum6 you are very kind xx

@Bluebelltulip Sorry for your loss. My daughter (my first baby) was stillborn at 40 weeks last month. Trying to take a relaxed approach to TTC sounds sensible. May I ask, we’re you given any advice on TTC like how long to wait? I haven’t had those discussions yet but plan to x

@AliceRR sending hugs

@Bluebelltulip welcome. So sorry you find yourself here.

@Laney79 and @moonpeace* I’m under rmc now which I wasn’t before so I’m now taking extra folic acid (5mg), vit d, progesterone (cyclogest pesseries) and aspirin (which the rmc don’t know about). I still don’t believe I’ll make it past 12 weeks but it’s still progress as (other than my ds) this is the 2nd furthest I’ve got, size wise (with mc1 I got to 10 wks but baby measured 6+4, mc 2 11 wks baby measured 9+6 and mc3 8 wks baby measured 6w)

Evening ladies.

@Lilimum6 I'm so sorry about the baby box 💔 what a complete head fucker. How is your body doing, any movements?

I've been bleeding for a week now, it's bright red - don't know whether it's my period as well 🤷🏻‍♀️

Haven't tested for a couple of days - if it's still positive tomorrow I'll call gyne ward again like they asked.

I get the anger as well @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue - I had a plan and it's all gone to shit. The endless questions and what ifs just go round and round in my head. My husband keeps reminding me we have our beautiful little boy and this would be a million times harder if we didn't, but I'm still mad. I'm such a control freak and it's so difficult having no control. This shitty relentless waiting game has made me realise just how strong and resilient couples going through IVF are.

Sending love to you all this evening- we will get there xxxx

@Lilymum6 Regarding the baby box, just do what feels right. I have lots of things in the house for my baby girl. I hadn’t set up a nursery or anything as we are moving house next month but we had the car seat in the car and I have clothes and gifts from my baby shower upstairs. I know it’s not exactly the same and everyone is different but for me it doesn’t bother me to havey baby’s things around me. In a weird way it’s comforting and I think these things we are going though are there and hurt regardless. My feelings could change though as may yours do others’ suggestions to put it away for now until you know what you want to do makes sense xx

@AliceRR thanks hun. It's all so horrible. You are so strong I've had 6 mc's now and under rmc and I'm a mess I really don't know how you are coping. You are amazing thank you. My hubby has put the box in the baby room. I can't even go in there anymore. It's full of stuff people have given us everytime we fall pregnant and some stuff I bought too. I find it just too painful. I'm still having nightmares about the mc before this one. It was horrible I chose medical management at 12 weeks and I wish to god I had not done that I was so poorly and ended up in A&E 4 days later bleeding badly and had to have emergency surgery. I'm praying that I can start ttcing again soon though.

@AliceRR I'm sorry I just read what I posted and it was very selfish (all me me me). Thank you for your kind words

@rdm10 Thank you

@Lilimum6 No don’t apologise. I feel the same - like I am posting about myself and should be more supportive to others but we are all sharing experiences and you have been very supportive to me on here and I appreciate it xx

It must be so hard to have gone through so many mcs. I can’t really give any advice as I’m just working out things for myself but I’m trying to stay positive. Easier said than done sometimes and I worry that it’s getting harder and harder at the moment as everything sinks in.

I try to remind myself that people go though horrible things every day, maybe not losing a baby or having difficulty TTC, but that helps me feel less sorry for myself when I’m thinking “why me?” when it seems like everyone else is having healthy babies!! I don’t know if that helps anyone else.

A good friend of mine is 40w pregnant today actually but her husband has been having an affair and left her recently and her struggle is different to ours but she’s clearly having a very hard time with it... anyway I “talk” a lot 🙄

Anyway we are all in this together xx

I cried when I read your message @moonpeace. I feel so alone after the ectopic, I was so relieved to feel like someone understands. After the MC last summer I just assumed I would get pregnant again and it would be ok... but now I'm starting to realise something might be seriously wrong and it might not be possible. And then I feel so sad that I might never have the baby stage again. DD is 2.3 now. It's so hard when you have a baby (and I'm ashamed to say this and hope I don't offend the ladies TTC #1) that looking back I don't feel like I appreciated it enough and sometimes was hoping for a phase to pass or wishing for the next stage 

Like you @frillyfarmer I'm a control freak and the thought of being back to TTC again fills me with anxiety. And now even if I get a BFP again it won't be the same, all the joy has been sucked out of it. I'm full of 'what ifs' and the ectopic has just added another level of concern, plus my age is also freaking me out. I am also grateful for DD, without her in the past couple of weeks I think I would have fallen apart.

I think we can all post a little bit about ourselves, but what I think is so nice about this group is that people who are going through similar can respond to each other and there is a range of experiences and knowledge. I hate that so many of us are going through such horrible time.

@AliceRR you are so brave. I am so impressed with your attitude and outlook. I feel like I need to remember everyone has their own struggle, it's hard sometimes to see outside our own bubbles.

@Bluebelltulip I'm so sorry to read about what you have been through. That must have been so hard with your daughter as well xxx