TTC after pregnancy loss - tread 28 - Bfp will be coming

[Lilimum6]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Welcome to any new ladies and sorry for your loss.

Let's have a roll call ladies

Hi all.

Sorry to hear your work are being helpful @Dimblebimble. I agree with telling HR, I work for a large organisation and my HR were great after last miscarriage and this time. I have basically been told to take as much time as I need whereas if I hadn't told them I don't think I would get the same understanding. That said, I appreciate my work are very good at things like this. I definitely think that you should be off work until surgery or if you are letting it happen naturally. I am still horrified by the miscarriage I had last summer (it happened the night before I was due my second nhs scan so I didn't even get to choose surgery which is what I wanted). It wasn't actually painful but the sheer force and amount of bleeding shocked the life out of me, I had no idea what to expect and remember being stuck on the toilet for five hours. There is no way I could have coped had I not been at home. Sorry if that sounds scary to anyone who has not been through it before. I don't mean to be so blunt, I actually wish someone had told me what to expect. Anyway, my point is please stay at home and please speak to someone in confidence at work and I am sure you will get the support you need xxx

With regards to things hitting harder a second time, I feel the same as you @Dimblebimble. I know the ectopic I have just had is slightly different to your situation but after a MC I now just feel hopeless. Last time I could write it off as unlucky. This time I feel crippled by the fear that something is now really wrong and I will never be able to carry a baby again. The thought of saying goodbye to the family and life I have always thought I would have is petrifying, especially when like @InDreamland says, I'm surrounded by surprise announcements and people having babies. I feel utterly hopeless this time around and really depressed by it all. I'm sorry if I seem inventive to those who are trying for their first.

Good luck at the drs today @frillyfarmer. I hope you get some answers and can begin to move forwards.

@ale2992 try not to worry about the line this morning. I know this time around my pregnancy was ectopic but whenever I have been pregnant (three times, only one resulting in DD) my have always got darker every two days so try and wait a bit - if you can! I know it's easier said than done. I hope you can relax a bit and try and focus on something else.

Lots of love to everyone else struggling with this utter shit. It hurts so much and I wish I could take all the all the pain away and give us all our happy endings xxxxxxxx

Sorry for the bold type fail! Bloody phone!

@InDreamland I'm sorry for the arrival of AF hun this journey is hard xx
@Dimblebimble I felt the same as you but my work were really quite good about it even with all the extra time off I'm taking with all these scans and erpc's.
@frillyfarmer I'm so glad things seem to be moving along for you

Hi all

Does anybody have the list of tests that Tommy's recommend? I remember seeing on here that someone had it but can't remember who xx

@ale2992 As others have said, you can't read too much into line progression; especially when 24 hours haven't even gone by since your previous test. It's hard not to; but try not to test too often. Maybe leave it 3 or 4 days and then do another one? Congratulations on the line! Fingers crossed for you that this is a little sticky bean! xxx

@Newbie21 What bitter-sweet news about your friend. You must be thrilled for her, and heartened that it can happen; and yet it's difficult when the good news isn't your own when you so badly want it and have been through so much for so long. Hugs xxx

@frillyfarmer I'm glad you're getting swabs done to be on the safe side. Hopefully the bleeding won't be for too long. Rest, look after yourself, give yourself some treats. Take care xxx

@Dimblebimble If you work for a large company I expect HR have to deal with a lot of sickness and absence issues and for them it's all a bit blasé... It doesn't excuse the fact that they have come across as a bit uncaring, but it's probably the reason why. I'll echo what the others have said and encourage you to tell them about the miscarriage if you feel able to. By law they can't discriminate against you because you're TTC. And for all they know you might not want to for a long time after MC; they have no proof that you still will be trying after this. I completely understand how it might unnerve you though. (I think I need to listen to my own advice; see below).

Holding your hand InDreamland Stay strong. xxx

I haven't yet moonpeace but I'm hoping they might give me progesterone too. Are you happy with what they've prescribed you?

Ladies; I'm feeling a bit nervous about taking time off work for hospital appointments.
Some of you may remember that I started a new job in January... I have my endocrinology appointment next week during my annual leave; but I emailed my line manager about having a half day for another hospital appointment (my RMC follow up) at the end of March just before I broke up and she wrote back saying we'd discuss it when I'm back in the office next week.
I'm planning on using my flexi-time to cover the hours; however I feel I need to tell her about what it's for, but I'm nervous about her reaction... But then if I need any other appointments (which is possible) she'd need to know why I keep taking time off work.

It wouldn't have bothered me in my old job as I was comfortable and settled there and knew everyone really well; but it's an awkward subject to bring up in a new place of work. I did state I'd had surgery for a MC on my occupational health form before starting the job (not that my line manager will have seen that), but didn't mention the second MC as I hadn't missed any time off work and it was pretty much a CP; and the form doesn't exactly ask about it? The other two (possibly three) MCs happened after my application; one of which I missed 2 weeks of work for. Should I have told them about that sooner? I'm worried that work will think I was being irresponsible TTC before starting my new job.
I guess I'm just feeling guilty about taking time off so soon into a new job... Am I just letting anxiety get to me?
What would you do in my position?

@InDreamland yep-sounds like we have the same Luteal phase. I found it to be a much better gauge than general cycle length.

@RedRobin7 Not sure on the coeliac test, i assumes it was just for women-I think it's the immune response they are looking for but I'm not sure.

@Pop1234 Here's the list I was sent. I asked Tommy's midwives what the basic tests are that they do at Coventry for people being referred-this is what I was sent:

"We have a list of the tests that are available in the Coventry centre as you have requested, many of these are standard tests done in the NHS. There may be others, not on this list, done for specific research studies.

Full blood count
Lupus anticoagulant
Anti-cardiolipin antibodies (IgG, IgM)
Thrombophilia screen
Protein C and S
APCR (screen of factor 5 leiden)
Antithrombin 3
Prothrombin gene mutation
TSH, T3 and T4
HBA1C
Vitamin D
Coeliac disease screen - TTG antibodies"

@frillyfarmer How did your appointment go?

Sorry not to reply to everyone-hugs to all xxx

@Laney79 thank you so much for this. I feel like I have had nowhere near enough tests from my RMC appointment that I had in January. I wonder if they just do a few of the initial ones first with it being NHS.

Thank you ladies, you're all so lovely. I cannot get my head around the injustice in all this. Why am I so inadequate and such a failure? Feel like I'm being punished for something. I hate my body. Feel like blowing loads of money on myself this weekend. Early birthday present to myself ..... or i could wait until duty free.

@Laney79 thanks for introducing me to the whole luteal phase thing.

@moonpeace sorry you've started spotting too. It really sucks doesn't it.

@Newbie21 I think is a good idea to see your GP to ask about the early spotting in case it's something that can be treated or at least reassure you that everything is ok.

@KnitKitty it's natural to feel nervous as it's a new job, I'd be the same. If I were in your situation I'd make sure I told my new manager about my 2 losses and they're why I have so many necessary medical appointments, obviously asking if is ok. I'd then follow it up in an email so it's recorded in writing and noted that it's related to pregnancy loss.

Thanks for all the replies yesterday, I didn't test this morning! Af should be due today but I've normally had spotting for a few days by now and not feeling any pms.
Definitely feeling pregnant! Ringing my doctors today and have already booked an early scan for 7 weeks.
How's everyone else doing?

Also does anyone know where I stand with regards to requesting time off for my appointment but not telling them what the appointment is for I just really don't want to tell work yet x

@ale2992 congratulations on your bfp fingers crossed for you xx

@laney79 and @redrobin7 coeliacs is only relevant in the woman due to a) nutrient absorption b) autoimmunity tendancy as it’s genetic and c) it is linked to other conditions that can cause mc. I’ve been tested 3 times in my life for coeliacs, all negative, turns out APS causes similar symptoms but as I never had a clot it wouldnt have shown to test me before I had the mc’s.

@KnitKitty What a dilemma you have! I do understand why you're so nervous and unsure about what to do. I remember when I went to my job interview I took my engagement ring off as I didn't want to come across as someone who might end up getting pregnant soon 🙈 I had planned to have a baby 2 years ago by now. Haha have to laugh at my naivety! Now I realise how stupid that was because I openly talk to HR about the fact I am so depressed and just want a baby. My boss, on the other hand, she doesn't like weak people and wants us to be strong and I do hide things from her!

I would say just be open - they can't sack you because you want a baby! When do you pass your probation? If you're that worried, maybe mention it after. You also don't have to explain anything, you can just say hospital appointments and leave it at that.

@Dimblebimble How are you doing? What did you decide to do about HR?

@frillyfarmer how are you doing? Have been thinking of you too.

@InDreamland I am so sorry you are struggling. I know I punish myself just as much as you seem to be and I never listen to myself but - you are not a failure. Don't be so unkind to yourself. Definitely treat yourself to a nice shopping spree!

I read a lovely quote the other day: "Tears make rainbows"... holding onto that one. Maybe some day I'll have my rainbow and know that all the tears I cried were just part of my journey. Not fair others have it easier but trying not to get stuck on that.

@ale2992 Congratulations! In terms of time off - I just said I had an appointment, my work never questioned it. They're not supposed to 😊

@Yukka Thank you for explaining about the Coeliac antibodies. My DH is Coeliac and it went undiagnosed for years, so we do worry it could be a reason for our miscarriages. I went gluten free at home to avoid cross contamination in our kitchen and found out that a gluten free diet helped my acne and migraines so now I'm gluten free completely.

I hope this doesn't upset anyone but yesterday would have been our due date for baby number 2. We wanted to go out for dinner but the pub didn't seem to want to seat us so we walked out. I felt sad my evening was ruined. Instead we went home for pizza and lit baby's candle.

@Pop1234 no problem. I think the tests they do vary wildly from trust to trust depending on local policy/consultant opinion-I was lucky that my consultant tested for some of these things after two losses due to my age and my mental state (I literally begged them to help me, through tears). I've probably spent about £350-£400 getting the extra ones that weren't done on the nhs done privately. The reason I've done it is that at 39 and a half and no kids time is against me. I asked to be referred to Tommy's at cov but they wouldn't do in my mind the next best thing was to get the tests done that Tommy's would do as standard. That way if there is a "simpler" explanation for what's happened it could be treated. I just wouldn't forgive myself if I lost a third time and then as referred and had the tests done at Coventry and found it was something that could've been picked up and dealt with.

@InDreamland no worries. Our bodies are so complex, and knowledge is power in my world-my consultant actually said to me if I had more technical questions he'd have to get a colleague to respond to me as he didn't know the answers (he's maternal/feral medicine specialism rather than miscarriage)!!!

@Yukka thanks-that makes sense!

@ale2992 just say you have a hospital/doctors appointment. You shouldn't have to give a reason other than that.

@KnitKitty I totally get the anxiety, but it's not as if you've been dishonest or not disclosed info-I think I'd just be honest about what's happening. A good employer will support you, and you aren't asking for time off as such, you have a solution that doesn't impact on the business with your flexitime.

I was adamant during my first loss I wanted it kept private, only one friend and our hr lady knew the truth until just before I went back 8 weeks later. My manager didn't know, and I got the hospital to put gynae issues on my sick notes. It was daft really as when I did tell them everyone was so supportive. So when it happened again a few months later I was honest from the start, and I got so much support it really helped. It is hard though. Hugs xxx

Oh and has anyone had a hysteroscopy? I was told I'd just have some light bleeding but instead it's very much like a period with heavy clots. Not sure if this means it will mess up my cycle? I've ovulated this week so not sure if my period will still come in 2 weeks or if it will be later ☹️ I wanted to try to get DH on board at the end of this month but looks like it could be April and I'll be away with work 😤

Also, how the hell is it March now? What have I done with the first part of this year other than long for a baby and spend so much time crying and obsessing 🙄

Thanks @KnitKitty it will definitely be your turn soon, I'm sure of it. Regarding your work situation, I think it depends on the relationship you have with your new boss- do you feel comfortable about talking about your miscarriage to her? Otherwise it would be fair to say you are having some hospital tests (although if it were someone on my team I would be concerned that they are poorly). If you can, I think it would help to be open that way you are not worrying about what they might be thinking. As you have flexitime they should be fine with you coming in a bit later/making up the time.
@dimblebimble I think the other ladies have given you great advice and I hope you are able to talk to HR so you can feel supported during this time.
@boboelephant I hope you've had some good blood results (or are you still waiting?) How are you feeling?

Sorry for not responding to everyone but I hope everyone- sounds like a few of you are having some tests which is a positive step forwards.

I've not joined any of the ante-natal clubs or pregnancy threads, just lurking. They all seem so excited and I find it hard to relate to, and the pregnant after loss threads all the ladies are very far along in their pregnancies.

Well today is a very bad day. In October last year before my mmc ( not this mc the one before that) I signed up for the baby box university thing. They send you a special sleeping box with a special mattress that is supposed to help prevent sids. It arrived today, I forgot to cancel it. I would be due May 8th. I'm a mess and I can't stop crying and they also included baby on board stickers for the car and nappies and wipes. I'm burying my head today I'm truly heart 💔 broken today.
Do I keep it or get rid of it?

@RedRobin7 I love that candle. Where did you get it? I should have had the baby I lost last summer by now and I haven't done anything to mark it except cry. Always told myself I'd be pregnant again by the due date, didn't ever expect to have been pregnant and lost not only another baby but my tube as well. So I don't really feel like marking the date but I actually think it might be helpful.

@ale2992 I am crossing all for you that it's a sticky one! Very exciting.

I have gone from feeling tearful and down to ANGRY. I am full of rage and was a horrible bitch to my husband last night. He is so positive and keeps saying "we can try again" but I think I need to start facing up to the fact that I may never have another child and it's killing me.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue the feelings you're having sound very much like grief and it's perfectly normal. Would you consider counselling. Big hugs xx

Yes @Lilimum6 - I'm grieving my loss(es) and the future I wanted. That's the hardest part now, the fact it's very likely I may never have another baby. Anyway, I contacted Petals at a recommendation of some people on here but the location they offered isn't convenient. So I've been researching counsellors local to me and am waiting for some replies.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I have two candles, both personalised by illumer.com - I found them on Etsy and also Notonthehighstreet.com. It's about £40 for a candle with a personalised lid too but I figured I'd pay anything for my babies.

I found out we lost our first baby at our 12 week scan in March last year. We had seen the baby and heard the heartbeat at an earlier scan 😢 So my candle for that baby says, "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."

I hoped to be pregnant by the due date last September and although I got pregnant I had a natural miscarriage in July. We went away for my first due date in September but I woke up with my worst ever migraine and spent 5 hours being sick 🙄 wasn't the weekend I'd hoped for! So I find just lighting a candle helps me to remember my babies. I lit them both together for Wave of Light in October.

I had counselling last year which I didn't feel helped because the counsellor told me she had a life-threatening illness and I felt my problems weren't as significant. I'm now on my second round of counselling with someone else and it's helping. My work have an EAP scheme so I'm doing it through that. I had a choice of face to face or telephone so I'm just having a call once a month. Highly recommend it and if you find the first person doesn't work for you, don't just give up!

It's the baby box company. This is the box I mentioned earlier in my post

@Lilimum6 So heartbreaking receiving the box 😢 so sorry you've had to go through that today. Maybe put it somewhere out of sight until you can decide whether to keep it or not. Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you xx